10 Steps To Getting Knocked Up The Beyoncé Way, Courtesy Of Bill O’Reilly

My eyes have rolled right out of my head so it is very difficult to write this, so if you notice any typos or mistakes please forgive me. It’s just that I wrote this while listening to Beyoncé and I am currently pregnant right now or something, because that is what Bey does to women and young girls, she encourages us to spread our legs and have the nearest roaming P come right on in our V and give us a baby. At least according to Bill O’Reilly, who told Russell Simmons when he was a guest on his show that Bey’d video for Partition ‘glorifies having sex in the back of a limousine,’ and then warmed to his point saying, ‘Teenage girls look up to Beyoncé, particularly girls of color. She’s an idol to them,” he continued. “I’m saying: Why on earth would this woman do that? ’Why would she do it when she knows the devastation that unwanted pregnancies – and fractured families – why would Beyoncé do that?’

WHY WOULD BEYONCE DO THAT WHYYYYY BEYONCE WHYYYYYY? I’m not going to get into how parents have been terrified of sexually provocative music since the birth of rock and roll, or how it’s up to a parent to decide if they are cool or not with their precious children watching Beyoncé videos, but instead I will tell you what it takes to get pregnant while watching the video for Partition.

 1. You need to look like Beyoncé

Beyonce-Gifs-Partition-22

 

2. You need to have been with the same guy for over ten years 

3. You also need to have a baby with him 

4. You need a lot of ridiculously amazing costume changes 

5. Your partner needs a dirty little nickname for you 

6. You need some highly talented backup dancers 

7. More costume changes 

beyonce-partition_thelavalizard

 

8. You also need a limo and a driver 

9. That ass 

10. A man with better aim 

 

Because everyone knows you probably aren’t going to get pregnant if a guy does that to your gown.

But yeah, follow all these steps and you will be knocked up in no time! Thanks Beyoncé and Bill O’Reilly!

(Images: Tumblr)

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    • Jessifer

      I’ve never been in a limo but if I had a chance, you’d better believe I’d be getting it on in one.

      • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

        OK but just so ya know, if a man ejaculates on your dress your chances of getting pregnant go way down

      • Jessifer

        If a man ejaculates all over my nice dress, the chances of him getting kicked out of the limo go way up.

      • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

        There are so many variables to the getting pregnant Bill O’reilly method!

    • Valerie

      So a bit off topic, but I feel like pictures of Bill O’Reilly’s nasty, pinched up, pent up, lemon face hung up all over high schools and backseats of cars and wherever the kids are doing it these days would probably be the best boner- killing, vagina-drying birth control mechanism on the market.

      • auntiea

        My 8th grade health teacher always told us when we were in the backseat with someone about to “go too far” to think of our “old, bald fat, health teacher.” 16 years later when I think of random hook ups his face pops in my head.

      • Joy

        My eighth grade health teacher said the same thing! “Whenever that first piece of clothing is about to come off, I want you to picture my face.” A year or so later, I’m watching a movie at my high school boyfriend’s house and go to take off my SOCKS because it was hot, and lo and behold, I picture her face, feel weirdly guilty, and put them back on. Oh, Christian school.

        In retrospect it seems really weird for teachers of young teens to tell their class to picture them during sexy times, no?

      • Valerie

        Def creeps-a-million.

      • brebay

        I remember 8th grade too. I used to come home from school and watch a tabloid show called Inside Edition with some guy named Bill O’Reilly doing salacious and sleazy stories. My mom would come home and tell me to “turn off that trash…”

      • MaebykittyRN

        Yea, I know just thinking about Bill-O makes me want to take a vow of celibacy…

    • keelhaulrose

      I’m not going to lie, if I looked Beyonce I’d have sex in the back of a limo, or in a dressing room, or wherever I could. Right now I’m afraid I’d make the limo driver crash because my ass is so pasty white I think it glows.

      • Valerie

        Yeah, if I had her body, I would just wander the most crowded public places in skimpy lingerie with a bullhorn shouting “LOOK AT MEEEEE!!!!!!!”

      • Megan Zander

        Yes this, but I would also have a minion carrying a boombox following me around with ” Who Runs the World” blasting on repeat.

      • Valerie

        Because, of course.

    • Alex Lee

      I’m going to put this theory to the test and incorporate at least one costume change during my next lovemaking session.

      For science.

      • Valerie

        You could test out the crochet dick gear that Bethany found on Pinterest yesterday.

      • Alex Lee

        “RELEASE THE SOMBRERO!”

    • Bethany Ramos

      DAT ASS. This post is so awesome on so many levels.

    • momjones

      Every time Bill O’Reilly’s name is mentioned I want to see a parenthetical which says, (who, when married, made a series of explicit phone calls to Andrea Mackris asking her to use a vibrator while telling her about his sexual fantasies involving her, was sued for sexual harassment by her, and settled to pay her anywhere between 2 and 10 million). Then, and only then, will I read anything about this slime ball, POS.

      • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

        I should edit this and add it just for youuuuu

      • JLH1986

        I try really hard not to judge others. (I fail miserably) but you know who I don’t try to stop judging the shit out of? Bill O’F*cking Reilly because he sees fit to judge the shit out of everyone else so I figure he can take it.

      • Frannie

        I just think of loofahs and falafels :P

    • radicalhw

      I’ve written down all of these steps and will share them with friends I know who are trying to conceive! They’ll be so happy to know what they’ve been doing wrong that I’m sure they’ll name the baby Bill Beyonce O’Reilly Knowles Carter.

    • JLH1986

      I’m a pasty white girl. What procedures do I need to look like beyonce? Also my husband and I have only been together 6 years. Since Blue Ivy was born roughly two years ago does that mean we can continue trying or must I wait until we have been together 10 years? Because if I gotta wait, I’m going to start drinking again.

      • TwentiSomething Mom

        Start drinking! It will lead to hot limo sex and you’ll get pregnant. Stick to wine, its good for you.

    • K.

      I dunno, Bill. Having hot marital (since everyone and everyone knows B is married to the guy she’s been with for a decade) sex in the back of a limo that you paid for with your own hard-earned bazillions of dollars after an almost 20-year career of success seems like a decent aspiration to me.

      Now, had Beyonce sung about putting out to a drug dealer in the back of a pinto, you *might* have a point. Then again, I’m sure that there are a bunch of *ahem* male rappers who have actually strung the lyrics on that one and I don’t hear you taking THEM to task.

    • Joy

      One question- why is anybody still allowing this guy a platform to spew his unmitigated dumbassery? Can’t he just not be on tv anymore? Ugh. It’s long past time for Bill O’Reilly to go the way of the dodo bird.

      • WriterLady

        O’Reilly is irritating and idiotic, but nobody beats Rush Limbaugh in the terms of insanity, misogyny, racism, elitism, and a complete disconnect from reality. I refuse to read any article with his name featured, as I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it will cause my blood to boil. Ann Coulter’s rants are a close second.

      • Joy

        Agreed. I would like all of them to go away. I actually know a woman who named her baby son Rush because she is such a Limbaugh fan, no joke. When they announced the name they said “He’s going to be named Rush, after Rush Limbaugh. Rush is right!” She is super republican and I have no reason to believe any of that was sarcasm. I unfriended her in disgust immediately.

      • WriterLady

        Ugh. How unfortunate for the child. Considering that’s a really uncommon name, there was definitely a clear agenda. Upon reaching the age of majority, I would be declaring a name change.

      • momjones

        The kid will grow up to be a Liberal Commie Fascist Socialist Marxist. Happens EVERY time.

      • Joy

        I sincerely hope and believe so. Fingers crossed!

    • TwentiSomething Mom

      Beyonce is a married woman! The man she was in the back of a limo with is her husband! Can’t married people have hot, limo sex?

    • Guest

      I’m clearly in the minority here, but I can’t be the only one who wonders what happened to Beyoncé? She seems to have gotten a bit….I don’t know, “trashy” I guess, as of late. I just listen to her song Drunk in Love, and I can’t help but wonder how she can put that kind of music out there and not feel odd about her daughter listening to it in a few years. It just kind of grosses me out. I certainly would NOT want to hear my mom singing those kind of things!

      • momjones

        I feel real bad for Bill O’Reilly’s (who, when married, made a series of explicit phone calls to Andrea Mackris asking her to use a vibrator while telling her about his sexual fantasies involving her, was sued for sexual harassment by her, and settled to pay her anywhere between 2 and 10 million), kids too. I imagine they don’t want to be reminded of their father’s Sexual Harassment case.

      • CMJ
      • EX

        Why does she have to stop making sexy songs and videos just because she’s a mom? There are plenty of artists (singers/actors/directors/etc.) who make art that is not appropriate for children. She is just as capable as the rest of us moms of setting limits around what she’s comfortable having her daughter hear/see.

      • TwentiSomething Mom

        I feel she’s talented, but she does what she feels she has to do to stay on top and compete with the younger, overly sexual acts out there now. I will say, she looks amazing and at least features her husband. You don’t hear about her sleeping around with every guy in the industry like Rihanna.

    • MaebykittyRN

      Oh that gif of Blue Ivy, so CUTE *melts*

    • EX

      I am totally mesmerized by that ass gif. It’s hypnotic.

    • brebay

      Yeah, I saw this this morning. Basically his premise is that if you have decent parents (like Russell Simmons & wife) you’ll be okay, but Beyonce is responsible for raising all the kids (wait, he did specify minority girls) who have crappy parents and will, therefore, be looking to a married 30-something mom to decide how to conduct themselves sexually. I don’t know who’s responsible for parenting white girls with bad parents, (Miley, maybe?) The hilarious thing is that he expected Simmons, (who isn’t even working in the field anymore, and came to talk about a book and some meditation program he wants to get into schools) to answer for Beyonce pretty much because they’re both black and so he obviously has some inside intel from the last Black Folks’ Secret Society meeting to share with Whitey McOldie. Bill O’Reilly would make a perfect caricature for the Simpsons, too bad he’s real.

    • brebay

      Kids having sex in cars…thanks Obama! Why can’t we go back to the 50′s when kids had sex in…..much, much older cars…

      • candyvines

        So much more room in the boats of old #benchseats

    • MellyG

      I hate this man so much. My first year of law school, Bill was the featured speaker at the Barrister’s Ball. I have no clue why, he’s not a lawyer (and the other two years featured Supreme Court Justices, so….Bill just doesn’t quite fit). He spent about 15 minutes yelling at all of us, telling us we were awful for choosing law as a profession, and then left. Even the more conservative classmates said he was a big bag of douche.

      I spent about 30 minutes after his speech tossing my cookies in the bathroom. Science would tell you it was due to a migraine, triggered by wine (i had only just started getting wonderful migraines and figuring out triggers) but i prefer to think it was just my body’s natural response to the O’Reilly nonsense.

    • JJ

      Here are my tips for Bill O’ Riley:
      1. Close mouth
      2. put strong duck tape across said mouth
      3. Never remove that tape
      4. superglue that tape on just in case you get the urge to remove it

    • Megan
    • SusannahJoy

      My senior year government teacher used to make us watch Bill O Reilly every single friday because he is the only unbiased political journalist out there. He’s the same guy who got in trouble because his classroom was plastered with pictures of Jesus and the 10 commandments and etc, and then yelled at us because we should’ve just told him that we have a problem with that instead of going to the principal because clearly, we would only be complaining about him to get revenge on him for grading us fairly.

      He’s still my least favorite teacher that I’ve ever had.

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