toddlerWhat exactly is a toddler? For some reason, I am occasionally confused when I use it as a descriptor. Is a toddler one who toddles? Can he not walk yet? Is there an age range? Can he form coherent sentences? What the hell is a toddler?

I brought this up in the Mommyish offices today, and my coworkers started basically assaulting me with explanations of what a toddler is. It was then that I realized something; toddler is a state of being. It cannot be defined. Well, the dictionary says he’s a young child who is just beginning to walk – but anyone who has one knows he is so much more than that. He is…

One who gets mad for no reason and cannot drive yet.

One who bites his siblings.

One who is very possessive over bananas.

One who has no problem sleeping in his own feces.

One who screams at the top of his lungs when you give him what he wants.

One who likes to have several meals prepared for him before he deems one worthy enough to eat.

One who farts constantly.

One who screams at the top of his lungs when you don’t give him what he wants.

One who has no problem shoving his infant sister to the ground.

One who has no problem shoving his infant brother out the dog door.

One who has no concept of time, but knows to wake in the middle of the night and demand things.

One who doesn’t speak when spoken to.

One who screams at the top of his lungs when he drops a lego.

One who strips off all of his clothes to use the potty.

One who has no problem lounging comfortably in his own urine.

One who screams like you’re shoving wood chips under his nail beds when he hears the word “bedtime.”

One who can’t be bothered with speaking in full sentences until bedtime, when he becomes the most vocal, social, charming little person in the land.

One who shuns silverware.

One who gives strangers the stink eye when they smile at him.

One who lacks social boundaries and stares deeply into your soul until you look away uncomfortably.

One who speaks in one-word sentences, i.e. Milk! Toys! No!

One who shares occasionally, until he realizes what he’s done – then stops immediately.

One who shares and then kisses his brother and then realizes what he’s done and slaps his brother directly in the face.

One who loves the word “no” unless it’s coming out of anyone else’s mouth but his own.

One who pukes in his bed and sleeps comfortably in it all night.

One who screams in bed for hours when he can’t take his own shirt off.

To summarize, a toddler is a giant asshole. But a cute, occasionally lovable one.

(photo: Andrea Slatter /Shutterstock)