There Are No Answers For The Tragedy Of Sandy Hook, Not Even From Adam Lanza’s Father

Peter Lanza Father Of Adam Lanza There is an extensive interview with Peter Lanza, the father of Sandy Hook mass murderer Adam Lanza in The New Yorker, and I have no idea why I read it. I have an obligation for my job to read things like this, to cull what I think is important from these things so I can relay that in my articles on Mommyish, to have a strong point of view on articles like these so I can form my own opinions and we can discuss them together. But after reading this extensive interview, I’m left with nothing, except a remembrance of how ungodly tragic the events of December 14, 2012 were that day in Newton, Connecticut. Peter Lanza offers us no solutions or answers as to why Adam took a Bushmaster XM15-E2S rifle and killed six school workers and twenty children on that horrible day.

The article, which is 7,600 words, marks the first time Peter Lanza has spoken to the press. He doesn’t offer any new insight to this son, who he describes as a “weird little kid” who was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome after he was taken to numerous psychologists. He was prescribed the anti-anxiety drug escitalopram but stopped taking it after he had severe reactions. His father feels his son was an undiagnosed psychopath or schizophrenic. From the New Yorker:

Interview subjects usually have a story they want to tell, but Peter Lanza came to these conversations as much to ask questions as to answer them. It’s strange to live in a state of sustained incomprehension about what has become the most important fact about you. “I want people to be afraid of the fact that this could happen to them,” he said. It took six months after the shootings for a sense of reality to settle on Peter. “But it’s real,” he said. “It doesn’t have to be understood to be real.”

 

We get a sense of who Adam Lanza was from the article. He hated tags on his clothing and his parents had to remove them. He underwent speech therapy because he was a late talker. He enjoyed playing with Legos with his father. When he was older he wrote violent stories.

All things that many, many parents experience with their own kids.

In the years that followed, they would talk about politics. Adam was a fan of Ron Paul, and liked to argue economic theory. He became fascinated with guns and with the Second World War, and showed an interest in joining the military. But he never talked about mass murder, and he wasn’t violent at school. He seldom revealed his emotions, but had a sharp sense of humor. When Peter took him to see Bill Cosby live, Adam laughed for an hour straight. He loved reruns of “The Bob Newhart Show” and “Get Smart,” which he would watch with his dad. One Christmas, Adam told his parents that he wanted to use his savings to buy toys for needy children, and Peter took him shopping for them.

Judging from the article, Adam’s parents did everything they could for their son, even after they divorced. They took him to numerous therapists, they were both involved in his education, after after he began homeschooling. Peter talks about how he felt more and more alienated from his son, but he assumed most of that was due to normal adolescence, because he felt stranger from his own parents growing up. I think every teenager goes through a period where they don’t really like spending time with their parents. I know I did. 

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    • Biff

      propaganda. this event never happened. it’s all to keep people distracted from the large scale theft and enslavement of the world through debt.

      • keelhaulrose

        So where are these twenty kids and six adults? Where did the blood come from? How did they manage to get so many five and six year olds to say the same thing about a man with a gun?

      • Jenny

        Don’t even engage with this lunatic! It won’t get you anywhere.

      • Paul White

        But sometimes I like poking myself in the eye with a sharp stick.

      • Kay_Sue

        Paul, we gotta find you some new hobbies, man.

      • Paul White

        Sorry, I get like this during the off season. There’s no football, the local herpetofauna isn’t moving yet….I get bored.

      • Kay_Sue

        Isn’t there basketball going on right now? And I know there’s hockey, because I’m not allowed to watch the game tonight until my husband gets home from Cub Scouts, and I’m kinda pissed about that. I spoiled it the last time…whoops!

      • Paul White

        I don’t like basketball as much. Used to love it as a kid but now…eh.

      • brebay

        http://www.usanetwork.com/chrisleyknowsbest/videos/patriarch-perfection The next time you get that feeling, Paul, try this instead. All the sensation of being poked in the eye with a stick, without all the bleeding and scarring.

      • cesp

        Trolls are like stray dogs. If you feed them they will never go away.

      • biff

        you’re calling me a troll. I offer an opinion you don’t like, so that makes me a troll.
        Nice one. Your really helping push humanity in the right direction.
        Why don’t you buy yourself a dictionary and look up the word troll.
        #Muppet

      • cesp

        Im sorry, I assumed that you were a troll as I did not believe that anyone could genuinely be that thick. You are offering an unfounded opinion and stating it as fact. Please offer some sources for your opinion that are grounded in reality.

      • biff

        appolgy accepted. however i’m not sure what you want here. you want me to prove beyond doubt, that something didn’t happen? you want me to offer conclusive proof from sources that are in reality. you will have to define for me what your reality is. For instance i don’t watch mainstream media because all the big media companies are owned by the same organisation that put on the show in the first place.

        The reality is we are being lied to.

        if you disagree with me there, then there is nothing i can do to change that with the infomation i have collected over the last 4 years of research.

      • Véronique Houde

        I wouldn’t call that an opinion. An opinion is something like “I like Eve’s haircut”. We can agree, or we can disagree. Saying: this shooting never happened is as much of a false statement as “The Earth is really flat”.

      • biff

        first off it is MY opinion that the establishment(power networks across the world who act with vested intrests) is fond of False Flag events because they put the majority of people into PTSD. those people then cling to the lies they are fed by the establisments lapdogs(presstitutes) and turn to the very people who purpertrated the crimes for their safety and sercurity….which the establishment is then only to happy to provide(DHS/TSA).
        Congratulations USA you have a standing army on your on land something your fore fathers warned you about.

        further more it is MY opinion that Sandy Hook was one such false flag operation. this is backed up by evidence i saw myself. a website that went live 2 days before the so called shooting happened….asking for donations for the vistims who had still not been shot!

        Now as for your Flat Earth thing, i think i’m right in saying that the first person to openly state that the world was round was persecuted and murdered for his opinion.

      • darras

        If you’re planning on following this idiocy up with claiming that the London tube bombs or the Utøya shootings never happened I’m going to have to actually get angry with you. Try to be a little more sensitive the next time you choose to spout conspiracy theories.

      • biff

        not sure about Utoya whatever that is.
        London tube and bus bombings were carried out by parts of the establishment in the UK. why would i need to be sensitive? people deserve the truth….i don’t care whose feeling i hurt as long as these criminal gangs are brought to heel or better yet thrown off this planet.

      • darras

        I feel sorry for you biff. I hope you get the help you need.

      • biff

        you don’t need to pity me. i have learned the hard way that this world is both wonderful and heart breaking at the same time. most of that depends on your point of view.

        if you allow others to colour your mind then don’t be surprised when you don’t like the picture they paint.

      • Paul White

        can we ban idiot conspiricy theorist? Pretty please?

      • biff

        Ooh, censorship. Well didn’t I stumble upon a fascist….tell me do you like what you see in the mirror?

      • Paul White

        Let me guess; you think the first amendment applies to private entities.

        Hint: It doesn’t. And last I checked, this website is not part of the government. It’s a private site and can ban asshats.

      • biff

        first off i’m not american. so i have no idea what your first amendment right states. if it even still exists.

        i
        said censorship…you call it what you want but banning someone from
        talking because YOU don’t like what they are saying is CENSORSHIP.

      • Kay_Sue

        If you aren’t American, why are you so concerned about our supposed propaganda to begin with?

      • biff

        that is a very astute question.
        i think it has to do with the fact that i have a strong sense of what is just and what is unjust.
        I can see through things like this very easily, because i have been manipulated myself.
        plus i have alot of hope for the people of the states, nearly all of those i have met have been good to me.
        Also what happens to one of us happens to all of us. we are all connected in a system of systems. one persons victory is everyones victory.

      • brebay

        Yup, you sure have been manipulated. Finally something I can agree with.

      • biff

        *blows raspberry.

      • brebay

        I bet you’re just beaming at being called “astute” by basement man ;)

      • Kay_Sue

        I can put a tic in that box for today….I didn’t think I’d be able to cross it off the To Do List, you know? ;)

      • biff

        ha, basement man….you’re so programed.

      • Angela

        Even the government has the right to regulate what information is published on their own websites. The first amendment does not require that the government or anyone else has to provide you with a platform to express your views. If you want freedom of speech online you’ll need to start your own site, and even then you are merely being allowed to speak. There is no requirement that anyone listen.

      • Elise

        Conspiracy theorist recently threatened me physically (see his comment above about wiping floor with my face), so I’m guessing this qualifies him for banning… Eve, your thoughts?

      • biff

        wake up mate, they put on a show for you same as the Boston bombing, do some fact checking.
        it ain’t hard to see the truth from the fiction, once you stop taking
        the mainstream media lies down like cool-aid. think for yourself. ask
        questions.

        did you see any bodies?
        did you see any body bags?
        did you see anyone with an injury?
        why has the school since been knocked down?
        why is it that webpages went live up to 3 days before the “event” took place?

        http://fellowshipoftheminds.com/2013/01/08/sandy-hook-ripdonation-webpages-created-before-the-massacre/

        I’m not saying I’ve
        got everything worked out but this does seem like a way to get yanks
        guns off them.

      • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

        People who take tragedies like this and read bizarre websites that claim they are conspiracy theories scare the fuck out of me. It’s so amazingly awful and disrespectful and scary. You horrify me

      • biff

        i’m sorry you feel that way.

        First off consider why you are frightened.

        things that scare me.
        1 a government that can legally arrest, detain, charge and imprision a person without ever telling them why.
        2 a government that can declare war without legal justification.
        3 a government who can tourture.
        4 a government who can incur astronomical levels of debt onto the shoulders of it’s people.
        5 a governmnet who can spend more on weapons of mass distruction than on schools hospitals and firestations combined.

        I don’t see a school shooting. i see part of a very well orcastrated campagin of propaganda which encompasses every facet of our modern day lives. The people who fund this are so far beyond your comprehession that it doesn’t surprise me; that you find me(a well intentioned, non-violent, peace loving human being) to be horrifying.

        It shows that they already have you under their spell.

      • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

        Charlotte Bacon, 2/22/06, female
        - Daniel Barden, 9/25/05, male
        - Rachel Davino, 7/17/83, female.
        - Olivia Engel, 7/18/06, female
        - Josephine Gay, 12/11/05, female
        - Ana M. Marquez-Greene, 04/04/06, female
        - Dylan Hockley, 3/8/06, male
        - Dawn Hochsprung, 06/28/65, female
        - Madeleine F. Hsu, 7/10/06, female
        - Catherine V. Hubbard, 6/08/06, female
        - Chase Kowalski, 10/31/05, male
        - Jesse Lewis, 6/30/06, male
        - James Mattioli , 3/22/06, male
        - Grace McDonnell, 12/04/05, female
        - Anne Marie Murphy, 07/25/60, female
        - Emilie Parker, 5/12/06, female
        - Jack Pinto, 5/06/06, male
        - Noah Pozner, 11/20/06, male
        - Caroline Previdi, 9/07/06, female
        - Jessica Rekos, 5/10/06, female
        - Avielle Richman, 10/17/06, female
        - Lauren Rousseau, 6/1982, female (full date of birth not specified)
        - Mary Sherlach, 2/11/56, female
        - Victoria Soto, 11/04/85, female
        - Benjamin Wheeler, 9/12/06, male
        - Allison N. Wyatt, 7/03/06, female

        You seriously need to shut the fuck up and go back to your whacko conspiracy theory website.

      • biff

        don’t tell me to shut up and please refrain from swearing at me.

        As for your list of names….what is that ment to prove…that you can copy and paste?

        websites went live days before the “event”

        Facebook pages were created before the anything was ment to have happened. don’t you get it…..YOU ARE BEING LIED TO!!!!!

      • Tinyfaeri

        One of those kids was one of my best friend’s little cousin. I assure everyone, they are oh, so real. It happened. Their families are still wrecked, and just trying to get through each day and find some sense. Please don’t give this horrible, horrible troll any more of your energy, time or attention.

      • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

        Thank you TF xo

      • biff

        first of all i’m not a troll. i’m trying to educate.
        Second I’m not assured.

      • brebay

        Shit Trolls Say

      • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

        and featured haha

      • Véronique Houde

        OMG Please start a Shit Troll Says column

      • Crusty Socks

        Um…

      • AlbinoWino

        I am the sibling of a murder victim in a shooting you would likely dismiss as fabrication. I haven’t seen my brother in half my life. It is definitely real.

      • biff

        I’m sorry for your loss. i had no intention of giving the impression that i do not value human life. I also understand that even in False Falg situations as i have discribed that innocent people are murdered by these criminal thugs… which alot of people(esp this fourm) seem keen to protect.

      • whiteroses

        It’s completely beyond me that people exist who firmly believe that dozens of parents are faking something I can’t imagine in my worst nightmares.

      • biff

        well you need to take the red pill…..things are a lot worse than a few actors putting on a staged show to keep the public entertained.

      • whiteroses

        I’m not going to entertain a conversation with someone who is a) clearly a troll; b) uses Matrix analogies to make their points; c) has absolutely no idea what that shooting did not only to this country but to everyone on the earth who has a heart.

        This isn’t about you getting your fifteen minutes of pathetic anonymous fame/”educating” the masses.

        Good day to you. Enjoy your tinfoil hat.

      • biff

        first not a troll. get a dictonary…just because someone has a different opinion it don’t make them a troll. second the matrix is well worth a quote every now and again. third that shooting started a debate in your country about gun control…the point being the federal government wants your guns.
        good day to you. enjoy your consentration camp.

      • whiteroses

        A troll is someone who posts inflammatory or extraneous things in the hope of getting a rise out of someone. You’re entitled to your opinion, but we’re also equally entitled to tell you that you’re wrong and your opinion on this subject is unwelcome.
        Your “consentration camp” reference is a logical fallacy. Nice try.

      • Tinyfaeri

        You and me both. It’s not just the parents, either. It’s the cousins, aunts, uncles, siblings and friends. Knowing a family that was affected by what happened has put this tragedy in a perspective I never had before. You abstractly understand that everyone’s upset, but you don’t realize that they can’t have the same Thanksgiving or Christmas or Easter. Her aunt mentioned that the holidays were so hard, and then paused and said “Well, June was pretty hard, too.” I would never say I know what they were going through, but I have more of an appreciation that no one is in a bubble, and I hug my daughter a little tighter whenever I think about it.

      • K

        So interesting that a smart cookie like you cares so vehemently about a government that’s not your own.

        Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.

      • biff

        look, the US government has been owned by private intrests for a very long time. these private intrest group also own my government….for an even longer time. they own nearly every government on the planet. we either stand as a species or we face an eternity of enslavement through debt. it’s time to wake up to what you really are. it’s time to remove ourselves from their control.

        That starts with seeing through their lies.

      • K.

        So then, if you were really smart and informed, you’d name the “private interests.”

        “Government” and “private interests” in the place of actual data and statistics is shorthand for attention-mongering crazy talk.

      • biff

        ok, well lets start at the begining. I’m not your mum. Do your own research.

        i’ll give you one big tip. follow the money.

      • K.

        Aw cute!

        Love it when trolls get tongue-tied. That’s the joy of feeding them, folks.

      • biff

        tounge tied what. And i have asked you not to call me names.

        if you don’t want to open your eyes to the fact that your government is so corrupt that it can get you $17 trillion into debt. into at least 2 open illegal wars not to mention the covert ones. you’ve got 50 million plus people on food stamps. your vets are being kicked to the curb again! massive homelessness. huge personal debt. an industrial war machine that needs the support of the industrail prison complex just to keep it running. you have more people in prison than any other country. your cops kill people on the street. you torture your enemies. you use drones to incite fear in the populations of countries you are not even at war with using the propaganda of the “War on Terror” as cover for WAR CRIMES.

        NOW i say again follow the money.

        and don’t forget the USA only represent 4% of the world population.

      • biff

        didn’t think you’d have much of a reply to that.

      • candyvines

        Orcastrated – the surgical removal of whale balls

      • biff

        you said balls….

      • biff

        you should prob stop following me on twitter then.

      • brebay

        This guy is seriously not even worth arguing with.

      • biff

        no arguement here. just having a lively discussion. i’ll consider anyones point of view.

      • Alex Lee

        http://www.snopes.com/politics/guns/newtown.asp

        Now, you’re absolutely free to judge which 1′s and 0′s you put your faith and trust in. However, if you’re willing to entertain some opposing evidence, I welcome you to read that Snopes page.

      • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

        Yes, TY for this Alex

      • whiteroses

        Those parents don’t owe you, or anyone else, photographs of their children’s dead bodies/injuries.

      • biff

        didn’t ask for pictures of dead children you sick pervert.

      • whiteroses

        “did you see any bodies? did you see any body bags? did you see anyone with an injury?”

        It seems kind of obvious to me that you were, in fact, asking for pictures of dead children. I suppose I shouldn’t have taken the words you actually said literally and should, instead, have pretended you said something else.

      • biff

        i said ask questions not send me photos.

        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vp1ETqCSpfI

      • whiteroses

        See previous comment.

      • MaebykittyRN

        WTAF? I had no idea Sandy Hook conspiracy theorists existed and frankly, it is kind of sickening. People like you make me sad, Biff.

      • biff

        you must live a very sheltered life then.

      • MaebykittyRN

        Maybe, but I’m gonna chalk it up to the fact that I keep my BS filter set on “high” at all times.

      • biff

        good idea. however don’t forget to hold mainstream media to the same standards. ;-)

      • Elise

        Brush the Cheetos dust off your fingers, shout up the basement stairs to ask your mom to make you lunch, shut down your computer, and then just go away.

      • biff
      • biff
      • biff

        come at me with more….come at me with more…i’l wipe the floor with your face!

      • biff
    • keelhaulrose

      There will never be answers for something like this.
      As much as I deplore the mental health system in this country, the more we immediately point to mental health issues, especially undiagnosed mental health issues, the more of a disservice we do to others with that condition. We don’t hear about the schizophrenics who take their meds and leave relatively normal lives, we hear about the killers, and put a stigma on it so people don’t want to get themselves or loved ones helped for fear of being labeled as criminals.Lots of people have Aspergers, but they aren’t violent, but as someone who has recently gone through the process of having my child diagnosed with Autism I feel sad that they felt the need to reassure me that her diagnosis doesn’t mean she’s going to hurt people.

      • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

        yep agreed

      • Paul White

        Amen.

        The mentally ill are for more likely to be victims than perpetrators too, and I feel like that gets entirely ignored or glossed over in the search for a scapegoat here.

      • K.

        So right. If violent outbursts on the scale of Columbine and Aurora and Virginia Tech were the norm, then we’d be scarily far less affected by Sandy Hook, as it would be a more “garden variety” tragedy. There are millions of people out there managing mental illnesses, including schizophrenia, sociopathy, PTSD and other “scary” diseases, and the vast majority of them do not go on shooting sprees.

        They do, however, need medical care and compassion. Blame and judgment on Lanza’s parents isn’t going to get us there.

      • Iwill Findu

        I went to a schizophrenia workshop for my job, because one of the people that I cared for had schizophrenia, (they were wonderful sweet, funny, caring). During the whole workshop they made us wear these headphones and at the most random times you would just hear things. some were set to tell you that you stunk, so you have people without mental illness being told randomly thought out the day that they smelled after 8 hrs of this we were convinced that we smelled bad, and you would see people smelling themselves to make sure they didn’t in fact stink. How much worse is it for the person that can’t take the headphones off and go home.

      • Frannie

        My stepmom is a mental health researcher and she tried on a pair of similar headphones that played voices that mimicked the voices people hear in their head when they say they hear voices. She only wore them for 3 minutes and couldn’t take any more.

    • Andrea

      Wait..what??? No, just NO.

      First of all, no, his mother did not do “everything she could”. I am pretty sure “everything” does not include accepting that your kid spends his entire days in front of a computer, with his windows blackened with trash bags, and refusing to speak to his mother or anyone else.

      Second of all, plying someone who even his parent(s) admit had serious psychological issues with an arsenal of weapons seems such an obvious bad idea that I just can’t even conceive the level of denial necessary.

      Third of all, how can any father claim that he was involved when he hasn’t seen his kid in TWO YEARS???? ARE YOU KIDDING ME???????

      Whatever that monster’s motives were, it is painfully obvious that his mother (and his father too apparently) were in deep denial over the seriousness of this kid’s mental problems and not even this tragic and horrific event has the power to make them see it.

      • Alicia Kiner

        Wasn’t he 20 at the time of the shooting? Which makes him a legal adult and means if he didn’t want to go see his own father, even if his father WANTED to see him, Adam didn’t have to see him. I haven’t seen my older sister in at least 6 years; my parents haven’t either. It happens. We’re not talking about a child here.

      • Angela

        Yes. It sounds as though he was very involved throughout his childhood and adolescence. Even when his son shut him out it seems he was still concerned and was in regular contact with Adam’s mom. It’s hard to understand why his mother did everything the way she did but it also seems clear that she loved him and sacrificed a lot trying to help him. It’s easy to decide from the sidelines what you would have done differently (especially in retrospect) but the fact that you cannot know how you would handle a situation you have never faced. It’s very clear that Adam was an extremely difficult child, that his parents tried very hard to get help, and that none of it seemed to make a difference. Does it seem that his mother reached a point where she had basically given up trying to help him adjust and instead focused on accommodating him? Probably. Could I guarantee that I would not do the same? No. Would I have taken my son to the shooting range and kept guns in the house? No, I hate guns. Do I feel it is Nancy’s fault for not predicting this in her son that had never exhibited violence and who none of the psychologists who evaluated him believed to be violent? No.

      • Andrea

        There is a difference between “accommodating” him and plying a mentally ill person with an arsenal of guns.

      • brebay

        absolutely.

      • Andrea

        I am not saying there weren’t perfectly valid reasons for him not to have seen his son, what I am saying is that you don’t claim to be actively involved in someone’s life if you haven’t seen them in 2 years.

        Also, a lot of people bring up the fact that he was 20 years old as if that absolves his mother’s culpability in this tragic affair. He wasn’t a 20 year old that lived on his own with his own job, his own apartment and his own money. He was a 20 year old that still lived with his mother, was wholly dependent on her for his support and those weren’t his guns that he used to slaughter 6 year old children. They were HER guns. That SHE bought and to which, no matter what she did, he had access to. In my book, that makers her responsible.

      • Alicia Kiner

        Agreed. In this particular case, I would say it’s okay to partially blame her, the parent, for his actions, because she did facilitate them. I still blame him. He terrorized and murdered those children, for no reason that anyone can fathom. If he had just killed his mother and himself, it would have been tragic, but most people would probably be able to wrap their heads around it. You know? It’s a sad state of affairs when I actually wish the guy had just killed himself and his mom rather than what he did. And i don’t feel guilty at all for saying that. Yikes.

      • Andrea

        Well I don’t think there is any guilt in that. I wish he hadn’t killed anyone, but if the choice is himself and his mother or 26 innocent victims including children; then the choice is obvious.

      • Paul White

        You know you can’t wave a magic wand and make it go away…

        Extreme mental illness is ugly and you can’t always fix it. I lost a cousin to mental illness-after a decade plus of treatments not working she washed down a lot of pills with a lot of booze and killed herself a couple of years ago. I felt–and to an extent still feel–similarly about her parents, that they could have and should have fixed her, but the truth is they couldn’t. In Starr’s case it didn’t manifest in outward violence, thank god, but the experience and working through my own anger at them and myself over it has given me at least some perspective here.

        I’m not going to sit and say he could have fixed. You and I don’t know the shooter’s pyschology, we aren’t licensed psychologist or counselors. We are literally unqualified to judge.

      • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

        and I think a big issue is that judging doesn’t make it go away, we don’tt get all the sandy Hook babies back, we don’t get Starr back, like, even if we all collectively decide it was _____ fault unless it is some sort of magical fix all for everything it isn’t going to prevent these things from happening in the future.

      • whiteroses

        I think people want to figure out the magical combination that will make this never happen again. But there is none. We can blame Nancy Lanza all we want to- but she isn’t the problem.

      • Andrea

        I am no psychologist, and I never suggested that we can make it magically “go away”. But am I saying, is that it doesn’t take a licensed psychiatrist, psychologist, or counselor to see that maybe supplying an arsenal of assault weapons to a mentally unstable person isn’t a good idea.
        I’m sorry for your loss. I do know that you can’t just “fix” mental illnesses. About 6 months ago, my mother tried to kill herself by swallowing an entire bottle of her anti-depression medication. I am angry at that still, but I know for a fact that if there had been a gun in the house, she would have been successful at that suicide attempt.

      • AP

        This excerpt of the interview doesn’t include it, but Nancy Lanza told Peter to stay away, that she thought his presence or showing up at the house would set Adam off, and she banned him from contacting his son. Adam also refused to answer phone calls and e-mails from Peter.

        Peter says he was on the brink of hiring a private investigator to follow Adam so he could “run-in to him” at a public location to reconnect without disturbing the home.

        I can’t see what else he was supposed to do: one legal adult refused to contact him, another legal adult specifically told him to not contact them. Had he turned up at the house, etc., Nancy could have involved the police for unwanted contact.

    • Alicia Kiner

      I hate what this kid did, but I still feel so incredibly sad for this man. He’s come to the point where he wishes his son were never born. As a parent, I can’t imagine ever wishing the same.

      • aCongaLine

        Agree.

      • brebay

        I know, I can’t even imagine how you can get to that point. I can’t say I wouldn’t if he were mine, but yes, looking at your own kids, even on their worst day, that is really hard to imagine.

      • Angela

        But then, even on their worst day I can’t imagine thinking my kids are capable of that kind of monstrosity. I was a bit shocked when I first read that but I honestly can’t even begin how it would feel to be him. I think I really would rather be dead.

      • Crusty Socks

        I think we all wish his son was never born…

      • Alicia Kiner

        touche

    • aCongaLine

      I find it strangely comforting (I’m sure that’s not exactly the right word) that Peter Lanza wishes that his son was never born… He’s struggling with this, too. That’s really human, and in definite contrast to the complicated mess of monster and mentally unhealthy tragedy that his son was. } feel for Peter Lanza like I feel for the vvictim’s families… he’s got to live with what his child did for the rest of his life. so sad.

      • brebay

        I can understand him saying that, but it still makes me so sad.

    • hurricanewarningdc

      IF you include his mother, Nancy? The murderer shot his mother, too. He had 27 victims, killed by his hand and via his detailed plans. (As if we can’t acknowledge her death, too, because to help us to comprehend, we have to have someone other than the killer to blame?) But yes, ugh, everything about this event was and is horrendous.

      • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

        Yeahhhhh… the last time I did, I got hollered at because of the fact she had guns in the house. some people include her, some don’t. I’m trying to cover all bases here.

      • brebay

        Hollered at you for calling her a shooting victim? That’s just math!

      • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

        You’d be surprised at the number of people who hold Nancy directly responsible. She should NOT have had guns in the house IMO, but yes, she is still a victim.

      • Angela

        IMO no one should have guns in their house but there’s no way to anticipate a 20 year old with no history of violence will go on a killing spree. She was certainly a victim but honestly I feel even worse for the father. I would much rather my child kill me in my sleep than have to live with the knowledge that he’s an unredeemable monster.

      • Paul White

        That’s one of the few things I think might make me suicidal. Having my son murder my wife (and a lot of other people too)…I might just elect to check out. It’s a terrifying thought.

      • LiteBrite

        I’ve struggled with holding her responsible too. There is every indication she knew her son had problems, yet she took him shooting? It’s hard not to see her culpability in this.

        However, where I always come out is that she didn’t deserve to die. No matter what her actions were, she did not deserve to get shot by her own child.

      • whiteroses

        I agree with you completely. I believe she carries some responsibility- but realistically, who thinks that your child will do something like this, no matter how disturbed they are?

      • hurricanewarningdc

        fwiw, it wasn’t a criticism towards you in particular. (and i’m not hollering at you) It’s, as you say, a statement about those who choose to exclude her, whether it’s due to the guns or the fact that she gave birth to a killer. I’m not a gun owner nor will i ever be one, but IMO, that’s ridiculous… and inhumane. Fair enough that as a writer, you can’t please everyone.

    • Kay_Sue

      I really feel for this as a parent. I remember when Columbine happened, and everyone screamed, “Where were the parents?”, myself included as I got older and understood the events better. Watching my folks parent my little sisters (especially the youngest, because I was a mom when she hit her teenage years) really was eye opening that you can do everything right and still wind up with kids that are nothing like you’d expected. I’ve also seen, over the past few years, exactly how difficult it can be to parent an adult child with a mental illness. It’s just…it’s a difficult position to be in, and one that is even more difficult to understand if you’ve never been in it or seen someone going through it.

      Now do I wonder what more they could have done? Of course. The whole situation is so devastating and terrifying that I don’t think anyone could help it. But it doesn’t entirely destroy my sympathy for this man, and I definitely feel for Ryan, Adam’s brother. These two are kind of victims in their own right–they will live with the automatic judgement of being the family of this murderer for the rest of their lives. Anyone that hears their names will automatically make the connection, and with that connection will come automatic assumptions about what type of people they are.

      • SarahJesness

        Agreed. Kids and teenagers are still individuals, and can turn out a certain way no matter if the parent did things “right” or “wrong”. People always act like parents can control everything in their kid’s lives, but the fact is, parents are not the only influence to a child. That’s especially true as the kids get older and more independent. Perhaps doing some things differently could’ve prevented this event, but we really have no idea.

    • brebay

      I agree with Peter that this kid came out wrong from the get-go. While it does sound like they made efforts, and I don’t believe they did anything to cause this or bury their heads in the sand, I don’t think teaching him to shoot and buying him guns was a good idea; not because guns are inherently bad but because, according to them, this kid was inherently unstable. My son was into World War II for a while as well. We focused it on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, the human tragedy of war, the cost of lives on all sides, found documentaries where individual survivors of concentration camps in Europe and the U.S., Pearl Harbor and Hiroshima and Nagasaki told their personal stories of that day. He studied the Manhattan project, and how Oppenheimer grew to regret his participation in the project; and the questions of whether you should develop certain technologies just because you can; how you have to consider ethics in relation to technology. The point is; there are a lot of ways you can foster an interest in a particular war without teaching a kid with a diagnosed mental illness who even you and your wife describe as “weird,” and who suffered from anxiety and depression, to shoot, and keeping guns unsecured in the home, even if he was a legal adult. And yes, all kids go through a stage where they don’t want us around, but tough shit, you keep in contact with them anyway. You don’t go two years without seeing your troubled, young adult son. You push. This guy threw his hands up and left mom in charge, and she tried to appease him with the only things she could–guns. This isn’t a gun control issue, this is a gun safety issue. And even most parents who have guns wouldn’t have taken an anxious, depressed, social outcast to the shooting range and would have locked up their guns. I do feel for these parents, and hopefully someone will get something from Peter’s piece and the next Adam Lanza will be guided in a different direction. He did this on his own, but there is plenty of responsibility to share.

      • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

        I think part of me understand why he sort of buried his head in the sand. It must have been so hard dealing with a kid like that. I’m not saying he was right to do it. I would like to think I would push too. But I think I can sort of understand that denial and avoidance.

      • brebay

        Yeah, I understand it, especially since he had another, “normal” child to focus on. I think understanding why people do what they do is important, and is certainly a different issue from thinking about what they should have done. Everyone has their breaking point and Peter had met his. I understand it, and I do have sympathy for him, because he didn’t anticipate this. I don’t think we need to go all black or white on these parents. They tried, probably could have tried more, and we’ll just never know whether anything they did would have prevented this, but it’s still worth analyzing, I think.

      • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

        PLUS UGH, OK, I am gonna get controversial here, he had a new wife, and you know that dads are SO different than moms, like I hate to say it, but a lot of dads DO tend to stick their head in the sand and just not want to deal with stuff when it comes to kids. I know my own father was that way, when we started getting older and getting in trouble he lost a lot of interest in us, especially after my parent’s divorce. I’m not excusing his behavior, I just don’t think not seeing his difficult kid for two years, especially she the kid didn’t want to see him, is all that odd. It;’s not right, but not unusual.

      • brebay

        Well, I don’t know, because I ditched my parents young. You’ll probably get slammed by some dads for saying that but, I’m guessing your dad probably thought he had done his job, and you were fit to be out there in the world, doing your thing. This guy had a greater responsibility because he knew his kid was NOT prepared, and still needed supervision, and he left that to his wife because it was hard and sucked. I get why he did it, I just can’t excuse it.

      • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

        Yeah, I don’t know, it’s all should have/could have/would have. which is horrible. It’s still the saddest thing ever. I’m not excusing the guy, I just think maybe even if he was more involved and seeing his kid every day who the hell knows, maybe he would have avoided tragedy, maybe not.

      • Kay_Sue

        On behalf of dads, I’ve kind of got to disagree. It’s a stereotype, and it’s not a very flattering one for fathers that move on to other relationships. It’s something I like to call the “myth of the replacement familY” and I think it’s sad to see it perpetuated here, to be honest.

        My best friend’s mother has completely rejected my friend, to the point where she’ll get married this weekend and her mom won’t be there–and my friend is her only daughter. Her only child. Period. But I would never expect her to take that experience and apply it to moms across the board.

      • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

        all I am doing is speaking from my own POV, and I said above, not all dads are like this.

      • Kay_Sue

        But it saddens me to see things like, “It’s not right, but it’s not unusual.” It’s thoughts like that, coupled with “dads are different” that really continue it.

      • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

        Because it’s NOT unusual, at least from my own perspective, from my own demographic. I had many friends growing up with divorced parents who had dads who just were;t that present when their kids became teens, especially if they remarried. I do think the men of this generation are different.

      • Kay_Sue

        I know. But I just can’t agree with applying personal perspectives across the board, especially not like this. The problem with stereotypes like this is that they lack nuance. Were dads like that because they wanted to be, or because they didn’t understand where boundaries were and relationships and how to keep that relationship going while dealing with a separation? Was it innate or was it a product of a system that encourages females to build relationships and males to be less focused on the interpersonal? Instead, it’s easy to write it off as “this is how dads are/were”.

        I agree that men of this generation are different, in part because the system we fight hard to change as feminists is changing (albeit slowly) and as we find ourselves more free to bend gender stereotypes, so do fathers. They don’t have to hold their kids at arm’s length–the idea of being a good father has shifted from someone who is a good provider and disciplinarian (which could be accomplished without active engagement) to someone that actually engages with their child and builds a real relationship, something that can’t be done without being active in a child’s life, regardless of whether they are still involved with the mother.

      • Andrea

        I wish it weren’t, but it is NOT unusual. We can say (and it is true) that not all dads are like that, but there is an alarming number that ARE.

      • Kay_Sue

        This is where we will have to agree to disagree, my friends. I simply don’t agree.

      • Andrea

        You don’t agree that there are plenty of fathers that abandon their children after divorce?????? You cannot be serious.

      • Kay_Sue

        I didn’t say that, Andrea. But like I said, we’ll have to agree to disagree on this topic.

      • Kay_Sue

        I hear you. You know I can’t help but stir up a wee bit of controversy every once in a while. It keeps my blood pumping. :)

      • brebay

        It is a stereotype, but it also happens. It happens a lot with the non-custodial parent; statistically more fathers are non-custodial parents, so it probably happens more with dads.

      • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

        I should have clarified and said no custodial parent, and now I am struggling to remember because I just read something about some study with dads that said basically the same thing

      • Kay_Sue

        There are a lot of stereotypes that also happen. In fact, in a realm of infinite possibilities, every stereotype is bound to have happened.

        Would this be okay as a racial stereotype, because it sometimes happen? I mean, some Asians are very intelligent–so it’s okay to apply that stereotype to all of them then, right, because it happens?

        What about the idea that girls aren’t good at math? Some girls aren’t good at math, it happens, so that one is okay also?

        Stereotypes and generalizations overlook the nuances of the situation. I am always disappointed when I see one work it’s way into discussion.

      • brebay

        Yeah, I don’t like the way I phrased that either. But here’s this: Fathers default (not filing an answer or showing up in court) at three time the rate mothers do; and they settle out of court for less than full custody at twice the rate mothers do, even when they have more resources to afford legal expenses. The stereotype is “men leave their kids” The fact is; fathers, even when they can afford to, try for custody less often and very often, they do focus on a second family. Of course that still means there are thousands of men who are in the opposite position. I don’t know how old Eve is, I’m in my 40′s and I also had tons of friends whose dads sort of faded out, and only one I can think of whose mother did. I hope things are changing, I think they are, but this has been the case for several generations.

      • Kay_Sue

        If it’s been the case for several generations, one would suppose early feminist efforts in the 20th century wouldn’t have been so focused on fixing the laws that automatically passed custody to fathers.

        It wasn’t until the 60s or 70s that you began to see the “mothers preference”–the idea that children, especially young ones, should remain with their mother in custody disputes unless she was truly unfit. Today, family law tends to focus more on the idea of what’s best for the child, which I think is as it should be, and as it does, we see the number of men that have joint or full custody rising. I believe only two states still practice the preferential consideration of mothers officially, if I remember correctly from my last MRA argument on the topic.

        The fathers that I have had experience with going into custody disputes–especially those that don’t fight–have made the assumption that they won’t win. They truly believe–and you can tune into any MRA board to hear all about it–that the courts are predisposed to giving custody to the mother. They don’t think they have a chance.

      • moonie27

        Fathers do, but they’re also fighting against a social convention that says mothers are best for the child and fighting against that is selfishly harming your child. It’s more than the facts there; there’s a whole social narrative set up around fathers not being “real” parents and it definitely comes out in divorce proceedings.

        And though this is changing, most fathers only get a few weekends a month to have with their child. It’s really hard to bond or feel like an effective parent if you can’t be part of their day-to-day life; I can understand giving more and more control to the primary parent.

      • Angela

        This was my thought exactly. I don’t think it’s an inherently male trait but when you’re the custodial parent you simply don’t have the option of distancing yourself.

      • keelhaulrose

        I’m going agree with you here.
        My husband, who is a wonderful partner and father in most aspects, pulls the wool over his own eyes sometimes. We recently had our younger daughter diagnosed as autistic. On the ride home he said “we’ll get her the therapies and the communication program and she’ll be fine in a few years” and I just wanted to shout that there’s no magic solution to it, she might start talking but that’s not going to take it away. He’s still somewhat in denial.
        I think, and I’ll be controversial myself here, is that men have been somewhat programmed to think there is a fix for everything, and it’s their job as the man of the house to fix those things, so when something is presented that there’s no fix for it’s hard for them to accept that.

      • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

        Yeah, I think some men do tend to be fixers and want concrete solutions to things, i also think men and women parent differently in this regard.

      • brebay

        reminds me of Corey on Teen Mom 2 (yeah, I tivo that, don’t judge) about him not accepting that Ali’s illness is progressive and that he can’t make her better.

      • Bethany Ramos

        You read my mind!! I felt almost lame for my Corey reference, but that is the perfect example for this. Their story makes me so sad. :(

      • Kristen

        I agree. I think Adam’s parents tried but this encouragement with weapons seems very strange. While hindsight is 20-20, I really feel like this is one area we can learn from. Unstable people shouldn’t be encouraged to use guns or other weapons.

        Also… “These parents were involved in their son’s life, even though Peter had not seen his son for two years prior to the shooting.”

        I don’t really get how a parent can be involved if he hasn’t seen his son in two years.

        I feel like he definitely did bury his head in the sand.

        Part of this is because he probably legitimately didn’t know what to do. Being a parent to a troubled young adult must be so hard. My heart aches for any parent dealing with this, and I do feel as society we should be offering them more support.

      • whiteroses

        Even if you don’t physically see your son- you can still be involved in your child’s life. My husband hasn’t physically seen our son since July. We’re trying to work our way through immigration, and we can’t afford the plane tickets for him to come every two months. But we Skype often, and every time we do my husband makes a point of speaking to our son on his own. There are ways to stay involved without physically seeing your kids.

      • brebay

        Exactly. And even if the kid wouldn’t talk to him, he should have still been texting him daily, telling him he was loved. Even if he never responded, he still would have seen it. Parent/child is not an equal relationship. If they’re just not that into you, YOU KEEP CALLING ANYWAY!

      • whiteroses

        Word. My son knows exactly who his father is, and DH is on the other side of the planet. I’m not sure what the excuse is when both parent and child are on the same continent- but to those people I say: if my husband can be an involved parent to a child who has the attention span of a gnat as most toddlers do, you have no excuse.

      • Alicia Kiner

        I agree. There HAD to have been other ways to foster his interests without giving him access to weapons, or at the very least, show him what the weapons can DO! The first time I saw my dad shoot a hunting rifle, he shot a watermelon. That was a pretty powerful image, because I wasn’t even physically strong enough to cut that watermelon. And a watermelon has nothing on flesh.

        It’s easy for us to say now what she should have done differently, we weren’t there when she was making her choices. I truly hope though, that any parent faced with a child in similar circumstances, makes different choices than she did. I truly hope we never have another incident like Sandy Hook. Unfortunately, I’m afraid we will, because too many parents now check out of their kids lives when things get too hard.

    • helloshannon

      i really feel for this father. what a gut wrentching and honest thing to say even though it is so shocking- that you wish your child was never born. and while it is OBVIOUS that lanza had mental illness, i also believe that sometimes people are just bad bad people and it isn’t always the fault of some chemical imbalance that could have been addressed if someone just tried hard enough. this kid went to tons of therapists and they all knew something was wrong and yet it happened anyway. it is not like he was not seen by professionals. he was just evil and it is terrifying to think that your own child, no matter what you do could be that way.

    • tk88

      I’m sorry, but I don’t think it’s true that this could “happen to any kid”. It’s true that mental health problems can sometimes happen to anyone, but that doesn’t mean anyone is just going to shoot up a bunch of small children. And I think this makes people on the autism spectrum look dangerous. I don’t think the Lanzas were bad parents (although taking your son with ANY mental health problems to shooting ranges is a huge lapse of judgement), but I never liked the way any of this is presented.

      • Andrea

        I really do hate that they keep talking about his autism as if that was his only issue. It is obvious that it wasn’t.

      • brebay

        Yes, autism and violence are really not even correlated. I do think his dad is right that there was something else undiagnosed, possibly even his Asperger’s was misdiagnosed and he really had antisocial personality disorder or schizophrenia.

      • Angela

        To be fair his dad did say essentially the same thing in this article. He feels that his son had some other disorder that was never diagnosed but does not believe that his Aspergers is in any way responsible.

    • Chris Perricone

      It is when the darkness overtakes the light that you must shine…..kick down that fucking door, don’t beat the shit out of the kid ask him what the hell is going on….wake the hell up to changes in behavior…embrace love and support your kid – do not just leave your kid for 2 years say he is pure evil and then say you wish he’d never been born – that is pure selfish vanity. Fuck this asshole.

    • Guest

      I am not even sure I buy the official story – what about the original reports of a guy in camo running from the scene….just none of it makes any sense.

      • candyvines

        We all know that news outlets check their facts 100% before reporting them. It’s not like they want to be the first to break a story – that would be nuts!

      • Paul White

        or even simpler…someone in the woods, in camo, isn’t that uncommon. I see it every year many times and it’s NEVER been a shooter.

      • Tea

        It was hunting season, you see people in camo all the time in CT between November and the new year.

    • Frannie

      I feel so bad for Mr. Lanza. I don’t wish his situation on anyone.

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