Amazon.com is one of my favorite places online. Where else can you buy Wee Wee Pads, uranium and male enhancement products, all in one place? So it’s not exactly a stretch of the imagination to assume that they’ll have their fair share of batshit insane kid-related products. And boy did they not disappoint! Here are our favorite totally strange kid related Amazon products.
7. Infant Circumcision Trainer
Now, I realize that this serves an important purpose. Whether or not you agree with circumcision, it’s still a good thing there is something to practice on before operating on actual baby-junk. But come on, this thing is creepy as hell.
A Perfect Gift For – You friendly neighborhood rabbi
6. Adventure Wheels Duck Dynasty Figurine
This figurine, which I found in the “Toys and Games” section, leaves me with so many questions. Is there really enough of an overlap between action figure fans and Duck Dynasty viewers to warrant this product? Would Duck Dynasty fans even allow their sons to play with figurines, or would they be afraid “playing with dolls”would make them gay? WHY?
A Perfect Gift For – Your homophobic nephew Stan
5. Extreme Chores
Okay, this one is technically a prank product and doesn’t actually include anything on the box. In fact, it’s just the box, meant to contain whatever real gift you’re giving. But wouldn’t this be kinda awesome if it were real? What kid wouldn’t want to play competitive pooper-scooping?
A Perfect Gift For – Your bratty cousin (just fill it with coal at Christmastime)
4. Farts In A Can
There is nothing I can say that would be funnier than this product’s actual description:
“Whether you’re enjoying a family tradition, making new memories, or just in need of a good laugh, Farts in a Can offers a satisfying blend of sounds that has something for everyone. Just open the lid of this durable multi-use can to hear one of the four ripe, juicy farts contained within.”
A Perfect Gift For – Flatulence fans everywhere
3. Stinky Poo & T.P. ‘Friends Forever’ Set
This is the most adorable poop-and-pee-related toy I’ve ever seen, probably because it’s one of the only poop-and-pee-related toys I’ve seen. Is this really necessary? Do these legitimately help kids learn how to go number one and number two? I would think they would make it harder. What toddler would want to flush his new adorable little poop-buddy down the toilet after playing with Stinky Poo here?
A Perfect Gift For – A parent you hate
2. Food Chain Friends
According to the Amazon description, this toy is meant to educated kids about science and technology:
“ Daro teems with wildlife, and its exceptionally social and gracious species flourish in a complex but oddly, very friendly ecosystem. They’re friends. They eat each other. It’s a complicated relationship”
It’s like The Human Centipede, but for kids!
A Perfect Gift For – A future forensic pathologist
1. Mommy, Why is There a Server in the House?
This is another totally unnecessary product. Do kids really need a cutesy book to explain how and why one might want a server in their house? Unless that server is running porn sites, I don’t think this is such a complicated subject. Notice the publisher: Microsoft. I guess it’s never too early for product indoctrination, is it?
A Perfect Gift For – No one. Absolutely no one.