• Thu, Mar 6 - 12:30 pm ET

Insecure Narcissists Should Not Date People With Children

shutterstock_58782766__1394125810_142.196.167.223A writer at XO Jane outlines this week why she will probably “never date a single dad again.” It’s a damn good thing, too. If you have it in you to actually be jealous of a child – you definitely should not date someone who has one.

The writer tells the tale of her trials of dating a man with a three-year-old – and how difficult it can be to share the attention.

I will never date a single dad again. Probably. I used to have this as a hard and fast rule for myself while doing the online dating thing, but then felt like I was getting a little too old to keep limiting my dating pool, especially because my own not-so-secret bias suggested that if a man hadn’t been either married and divorced or hadn’t had kids by this age (I’m in my early thirties), he’s probably some sort of a mutant. So I decided to be more open-minded, and cast a wider net.

If you would even think to have this rule – you should probably just stick to it. Or continue to date “mutants.” You don’t default to bringing a whole extra little person into your life just to widen your dating pool.

Months rolled along, and surprising feelings clawed their way out of my gut that I was totally unprepared for… being around someone who was always gushing about how much he loved his son made me feel somehow inadequate. I felt like he was already on a team– Dan’n Son, and I was the odd-girl-out.

I’m not sure what the alternative to “gushing” about loving your child is. I can’t imagine not finding this to be a positive quality. Many of the commenters praised her for her transparency, but the piece just left me feeling confused. I thought tales of women jealous of their partner’s children was the stuff of bad Lifetime movies and fairytales.

And there was more. Since he already “had his baby” and didn’t care one way or the other if WE were to ever actually have children, I started to feel like any potential baby of my own with him would just be a ‘franchisee.’ All the excitement, the anticipation, the first thrills, tiny coos and tiny shoes, feeling like your heart might blow-up from being over-filled with love (or so I’ve heard)–the first of everything was now over for him. His baby cherry was popped. He already had a ‘flagship’ son; any human who would ever emerge from my vagina would be an upsell in his life.

I understand that dating someone with children isn’t easy. I’ve done it – and we’re still together. I was scared shitless to meet my partner’s then five-year-old. I’m not saying these insecurities are unfounded – but how could you put all of this on a child? Also, assuming someone would consider a second child an “upsell” is kind of assuming they are pretty terrible. This article confuses me to no end.

To me, the article is saying “I’m admitting these feelings so it makes me less awful!” I don’t actually think having these feelings is awful, but allowing yourself to become a part of a child’s world when you are harboring these kinds of insecurities and resentments is really unfair. Pull yourself out of your own very small world for two minutes and realize that there is a little person in front of you that doesn’t deserve to be pulled into this bullshit.

I’ll just never understand the thought of an adult pitting herself against a three-year-old. If the words “I could never date someone with kids” easily roll off your tongue – there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Just don’t make an “experiment” out of dating someone with kids. Your adult brain may be able to chock it up to a failed relationship, but a child deserves a little more foresight than that.

(photo: Jiri Miklo/ Shutterstock)

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  • brebay

    A “franchisee?” Wow, was she an only child?

  • LiteBrite

    I wonder if she’s now going to change her stance that “if a man hadn’t been either married and divorced or hadn’t had kids by this age (I’m in my early thirties), he’s probably some sort of a mutant.” If not, it’s going to be no-win for the guy AND her. I mean, he’s a mutant if he doesn’t have kids, but if he does have kids she won’t date him.

  • Jell

    I do admire her honestly, especially if it means she’s come to terms with the fact that she shouldn’t be dating someone with kids.
    If anything maybe this will do a favor for those with kids who are dating someone and on the fence about whether they will make a good partner. Maybe someone will take a look at the person they’re with and say, “this rings some bells, I think we (my child and I) deserve better.”
    And for the writer of the piece, good on you for being honest about your faults. The next step is to work on them.

    • Andrea

      What does she have to work on? Why is it wrong that she doesn’t want to date people that have children already? Step-parenting is a challenge under the BEST of circumstances and with the BEST of intentions. If she’s not up to it, why should she work on changing it????

    • Jell

      Not wanting to date someone with kids is a personal preference.
      Being jealous of a child to extent that you are idly dreaming up Sophie’s choice scenarios is a personality flaw.
      Doesn’t mean she has to want to date someone with kids (I never wanted that for myself) but if I realized that I was jealous of a child I would consider that grounds for a personal re-assessment.

    • Andrea

      I will take that under advisement in the spirit in which it was given, because I can totally see myself being jealous of a child. Hell, sometimes I get jealous of my own children and their dad (and I am married to him and love him!) sometimes. I guess you can say it is character flaw. Maybe that’s the reason God gave me two sons and no daughters ;)

  • Andrea

    I don’t get why this is so bad. I personally couldn’t date someone with children for a host of reason, the main one being that on a good day I can barely stand my own children, let alone anyone else’s. And I get that maybe she shouldn’t have tried it. But then again, she had decent reasons for “widening” the net anyways. How was she to know it would affect her that way? Now she knows and she won’t do it again.
    And if he introduced her to his child before the relationship was cemented, that was on him, not her.

    • Kay_Sue

      I don’t think it’s way too soon. It depends on where you are in the relationship. My husband introduced me to my stepdaughters when we had been dating for three months. I don’t think there were any ill effects. But we knew at that point that our relationship was serious, and we saw a future for ourselves, and meeting them and seeing how we got on was important too.

    • gothicgaelicgirl

      i was lucky in that the kids knew me already from babysitting the odd time for their parents.
      i used to hang with the parents and the kids couple days a week anyway, so we decided to wait and see did the kids say anything first, rather than drop it on them.
      sure enough, after only two months the girls asked were we going out.
      we asked them how they would feel about it?

      them jumping around cheering, we took as a good sign lol.

      of course I’ve gotten the whole- “O I’d NEVER date anyone with kids, they’re NOTHING like having your own”

      well, to me, personally, they are my own, and no one can tell me how much i should or shouldn’t love them just because I didn’t give birth to them.
      my love for them is endless, as much as if they WERE my own, and that’s one thing I feel NO-ONE has the right to judge.

    • LiteBrite

      When I read this yesterday, I didn’t think the article was that bad either (aside from the “mutant” comment). And while this may have been an “experiment”, is that really such a bad thing? That’s how we find out what we want from dating: by experimenting. She decided to widen her dating pool, and it didn’t work out. Yeah, It’s a little weird that she felt she had to compete with a three-year-old, but it’s also possible the guy exacerbated that situation (however unintentionally).

      “And if he introduced her to his child before the relationship was cemented, that was on him, not her.”

      ITA.

  • guest

    To be honest- I don’t really see that she is pitting herself up against a three year old, she has the choice to be selfish in terms of whether she can date someone who’s attention will be divided between her and a child from a previous marriage thus a prior life without her. I commend her for widening her horizons and not finding out that it’s not for her as she got more involved or even married the guy. Not everyone is capable of dating someone with kids – the kid himself isn’t the problem, it’s just difficult entering a situation liek that especially if she doesn’t have a child herself.

  • JLH1986

    Wait if these men who have never been married or had a kid by their thirty something years are mutants…and she hasn’t done any of the above either, isn’t she also a mutant? And thus mutants would an acceptable dating pool?

    • brebay

      Average age for marriage in America is 28. I guess 2 years outside the curve=mutant!

    • JLH1986

      I was 30 when I got married. I am a happy mutant! lol

    • WriterLady

      I’ve been in a relationship with my now-husband for 8 years and always assumed I was infertile (due to a moderate-to-severe form of endometriosis), eventually phasing off of birth control as a result. Lo and behold, I got pregnant and gave birth at 30 in 2010. We remained your stereotypical family (minus the ‘obligatory’ marriage certificate), but didn’t marry until I was 33 and he was 30. Nothing against marriage…it just wasn’t something we felt was an absolute priority at the time. I’m sure to many outsiders, that qualifies as membership into the mutant club. ;)

    • LiberalGilt

      you’re the weirdolady. change yur handle

    • LiberalGilt

      hubby is happier — he’s got 3 20 year olds on the side

    • Zoe Lansing

      My fiancé is 36,has no kids yet and has never been married before. I guess I must be engaged to a super mutant. Or, you know, maybe he was just too busy working in Burkina Faso with the Peace Corps for a few years, going to med school, completing his residency and, of course, waiting to meet and date my awesome self to get married or become a father until now. Either one is possible.

    • aliceblue

      Isn’t Hugh Jackman (as Wolverine) a mutant? If there are some of those in the dating pool please tell them to swim my way!!

    • LiteBrite

      I’m pretty sure Benedict Cumberbatch is also a mutant. He’s 37.

    • Psych Student

      Now, now, don’t you know that it is perfectly acceptable to hold others up to standards we don’t have to hold ourselves up to? Just like the guy who is horrified at the prospect of dating someone who isn’t an 8 to a 10 (on a rating hotness scale) but is himself a 4. (I understand that women do the same thing). Or a person who want’s their partner to remain thin forever but is allowed to put on some pounds. *grumble*

  • james

    hi, this article is great

    • Crusty Socks

      Which one, Maria’s or the non-single dad dater’s?

  • Kendra

    I don’t know that woman, but I want to punch her. I understand the idea of either wanting or not wanting to date someone with kids, but the way she is phrasing her reasoning is coming off very self-centered and egotistical. “Baby cherry popped”?? Are you for real?? As if when families have second or third or fourth children, they won’t love them as much because the first one was the “cherry popper”? Ludacris. She needs to grow up.

    • Andrea

      But the cherry wasn’t popped WITH HER. It mattered to me too. *shrug* And I have to two children with my husband and we love them both fiercely.

    • Kendra

      I think, you know, feel however you want to feel. That’s our right as people. But, in my personal view of reading her statements, she is amazingly selfish. It boggles my mind and frustrates me when people act that selfishly. That being said, I am a very selfless person, so that is why it bothers me. As with anything, some will agree, others will not.

    • rrlo

      I know. But this author does come off weirdly selfish. What happens if her boyfriend has a sick parent that require all their time or face challenges at work… The way she phrases some of these things – like the whole erupting volcano scenario or the cherry pop – makes me think that she is not ready for the trials and challenges of a grown up relationship.

      I am probably reading too much into it but that is how the whole article came off to me. More than the child, to me it seemed the author resented not being number one with their boyfriend. And in a grown up relationship, there will be many times when one partner will have to take a backseat or supportive role.

    • Andrea

      I think no one (here at Mommyish at least) would be calling her selfish if she wrote about not wanting any children of her own because… (insert whatever reason here). But for some reason, not wanting to be 2nd place to someone else’s children makes her selfish.
      And maybe she is, I don’t know. Then I guess I am selfish as well. I could never be happy with a man that has children with someone else. I just couldn’t.

    • rrlo

      I really did not think her decision to not be involved with a father to be selfish. Maybe a bit short-sighted, since the obsessed, doting father phase does not last forever – 3 year olds are extremely all consuming.

      What made me think of her as selfish was her complaint about early mornings and commenting that part-time parenthood was sucking the life-force out of her. Her feelings of inadequacy because her boyfriend gushed over his son. The whole who will you save from certain death thought experiments. Jealous of the fact that something was intensely joyful for her boyfriend. And her own words that she resented not being number one.

      I cannot imagine being jealous of something that brought my husband intense joy. Or not always being number 1. Or complaining that waking up early and being pleasant to someone else child was sucking the life force out of me – it did not even sound like the boyfriend had sole custody of the child.

      Anyway, just my impression. I have never read anything else by this person – so I know nothing about her. Sometimes our deep, dark feelings expressed dramatically come of worse than it actually is.

    • Kendra

      THIS.

    • Andrea

      You are a better woman than me. Being up early and having to be pleasant to MY OWN children feels like it is (was, they are older now) sucking the life force right out of me.

      And at any rate, those are perfectly valid reasons for not wanting children at all, and yet we wouldn’t say that to a child-free by choice woman that posted here would we?

    • Kendra

      I would call any person who went on and on and on about not being #1 at all times selfish. I think that’s essentially the definition of the word right?

    • Andrea

      I think the issue here is who she is coming in 2nd place to. If it’s your own child, it feels natural and loving. Someone else’s? Whole ‘nother matter.

    • Kendra

      I can see what you’re saying. I have read that some people feel that your spouse should always come before your children. If this is her belief system, obviously it makes sense she reacts this way. I believe that adults should expect to come “after” children. Children need more attention, guidance, etc. than adults. I feel that adults should be able to care for themselves. As I said though, I know other people see things differently than I do.

    • Andrea

      Oh we put our children first, no question. But these are OUR children. I guess it is bad, but I wouldn’t feel the same way with someone else’s children. More power to women that can do this, I couldn’t and I certainly wouldn’t judge someone that couldn’t either.

    • Kendra

      I agree completely with what you’re saying. She’s coming off with a very “me first” vibe. I know people like that, who want to be #1 in any and all situations, and I find that to be very immature. There are plenty of ways to write about not wanting to date someone with children. Hers, in my opinion, sounds catty and childish.

    • meteor_echo

      And why is that immature? If I place someone #1 in a relationship, I expect to be treated with the same kind of love.

    • rrlo

      I think the only difference is that this person, at lest to me, came off as she always wanted to be #1. Not just #1 to her boyfriend but #1 in general. What you expect is reciprocal love – but this person *seemed* like they just wanted to be the most important thing in the relationship. That’s what Kendra and I were saying.

      And that’s kind of immature – at least I believe it is.

      Again, I don’t know this person at all – but that’s how I read her article. Most telling for me was how she resented the joy her boyfriend felt about his child. I can’t imagine resenting the joy of someone I claim to love…

    • CrazyFor Kate

      Yeah, I’m from marriage two. Maybe next Christmas my dad will explain that I was only needed to expand his empire, then give me a polo shirt and tell me it’s time to serve Family Inc.

    • whiteroses

      I hope and pray that if (God forbid) something ever happened to me/if I got divorced that my DH would marry someone who genuinely wants to be my son’s stepmother. If she can’t love my son the way I would, then I hope that she at least would love him enough to make sure he knew how much I loved him.

  • SA

    I remember when I was pregnant and going to baby classes and discussing nerves, etc with my husband thinking that it would be hard to be going through a first-child with someone who had already been through it…just not having that shared level of ‘first-timer’ and newness of experience, so I DO understand where she is coming from. However it seems quite silly to limit yourself to who you would consider as a partner just because of that. That newness wears off quite quickly and you get to the business of raising your child and each child is so different it will be a different experience for him as well, even though he has been through it before.

    • AlbinoWino

      Totally agree. This feeling washed over me when my fiance and I first became serious. His daughter is seven and I realized that even just the moving in with each other, etc. was all familiar to him and totally new to me. I don’t know that I feel outright jealousy so much as confusion as to how we will allot time, et. He moved here from out of the country so it’s very tricky just trying to get someone to watch his daughter so we can go out. I miss the time he and I used to have alone together and I get sad that we won’t have the extra time as a couple that most others get.

  • ted3553

    I can totally understand where the original article author was coming from because I’ve been there. I married him and now have 2 step children and it’s not all rainbows and kittens all the time. I completely understand the idea of being jealous although I can’t say I’ve ever really aimed that at the children-more at the situations. Some of the terms she used in the article are a little rough but in general, I understand her issues completely.

    • JLH1986

      I get it. For a long time I wouldn’t date men with kids (mostly because I was not dealing with mom drama). But the language she uses and the attitude she is purposefully putting out there makes it seem like the kid isn’t human at all, its like she’s talking about the dude having an 11th finger.

  • JustaGuest

    Actually, having read the original article (not just the excerpts you chose), I don’t think it’s nearly as bad as you painted it, because she admits that she isn’t being rational about it. (Okay, I don’t quite understand the franchise part, but leaving that aside.) I think that it’s really interesting to read about someone who took herself to be self-confident, etc. etc., suddenly discovering that she had insecurities she didn’t know about. I didn’t remotely see her as blaming the child – I saw her as learning something about herself, and not even something she seemed to particularly like. *shrug* It just didn’t come off that badly to me – everyone seems better off if she understands more about her own desires/needs, because she’s not going to waste the time of people she isn’t compatible with.

    • Zoe Lansing

      Yeah, I can’t imagine what my childhood would’ve been like if, instead of marrying my amazing stepmother, my dad had married someone who didn’t really want my sister and I around and just reluctantly accepted us as part of the package that came with my dad. If someone knows they’re not cut out to be in a relationship with someone who already has kids, then he or she is doing the right thing — for everyone– by avoiding dating people with kids. There’s nothing wrong with that, IMO.

    • Frannie

      I can, and if I had to describe mine, I’d say it was physically and mentally abusive. In my dad’s case, he was widowed, and married someone younger than him who was also widowed and who had no kids of her own. She had no idea how to raise kids, and she resented inheriting two young girls with the emotional baggage of just losing their mom. So naturally, the solution was to beat the crap out of them for doing such terrible things as watching TV after school and getting out of bed to quietly play barbies before it was “time.”

      Better the author figure out now that she’s not ready to be instamom before she ruins the childhood of an innocent kid.

    • Zoe Lansing

      I’m so sorry! I had an abusive stepfather
      (and a bio mother who willfully turned a blind eye to the abuse) but at least I only ever had to live with them 50% of the time (joint custody).It must have been even worse for you, having no escape!

    • Frannie

      It was pretty terrible, and like your mom, my dad didn’t do much to stop it either, though most of it was done when he was at work. It took my growing to the same size as my stepmom for it to really stop. You must have been so glad to have a place to escape to. I remember we’d see those ad’s for the boystown national hotline for abused kids on TV and we’d be too scared to call because we didn’t want to lose our dad too.

  • Kay_Sue

    BRB; gotta go inform my husband that our son together is a “franchisee” child, and he never really enjoyed any of this anyway, because his “baby cherry” (Wtaf?) was popped with his first two kids…

    • Kay_Sue

      After reading her piece on XOJane, here’s my thoughts.

      She’s no more or less selfish than any other person on the planet. I don’t think she’s a narcissist. She tried something, and quickly found out that it wasn’t for her. That’s not unusual. Her comments–well, they kinda of made me want to puke. “Hipsterrific?” *vom*

      If this is something that wasn’t for her, it was better for her to find out now, than to wait and wind up miserable and making her family miserable later. And dating someone with a child or children isn’t for everyone–that’s just the truth. I don’t blame anyone for deciding that they don’t want to date someone with children from a prior relationship.

    • Zoe Lansing

      Agree with you completely on both points.Yes, it was far better for her to realize early on that step-parenthood isn’t for her than it would’ve been for her to realize this and break off the relationship after the child to got really attached to her and accepted her as a permanent part of the family. I know that if my stepmother had bailed after I already loved and accepted her, it would’ve destroyed whatever was left of my sense of security and ability to trust following my dad and biological mother’s messy divorce. But, yeah, some of her comments and the way she phrased certain things was a bit, um,odd, to say the least.

    • Kay_Sue

      The phrasing was…interesting? We can go with that, right? It often rubbed me the wrong way as a stepmother, and I had to keep reminding myself that my experience isn’t hers. You can’t hold someone accountable for emotions, only for actions, and she doesn’t seem to have done wrong by them. She seemed as disconcerted by the feelings she was having as any reader, you know?

    • Zoe Lansing

      Yep, some of what she said initially rubbed me the wrong way as a stepchild, as well, and I had to remind myself of the same thing.

  • val97

    On the positive side, at least no kids will have put up with this narcissist as a stepmother.

    • brebay

      I soooo want to make a comment here; but I don’t want a shit storm. You regulars know what goes here.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      Iseewhatyadidtharrrrr

  • Crusty Socks
  • LilliesAndRoses

    I don’t know… Aside from the mutant comment which was both naive and absurd, this article didn’t seem to be narcissistic or selfish. It sounds like she discovered some things about herself that she hadn’t realized before. I know I’ve learned things about myself at some pretty inopportune times.

    I would have agreed with you if she tried to change the man she was dating, or take away his time and energy spent with his son to be focused on her. It doesn’t sound like she did any of those things. It sounded like she realized that this situation wasn’t right for her and she left it.

  • aCongaLine

    Yikes. She doesn’t exactly sound like a catch herself.

  • kbr

    I don’t think I could fault someone for feeling jealous of time spent with my child, or the close bond I share with her. My husband, who works long hours and doesn’t see our daughter much during the week, gets super jealous. It is something he spends a lot of time processing, and because we talk about it a lot, it’s something that I try to help him deal with, because I get why he feels that and I love him, so I don’t want him to feel that.

    But I would be very deeply hurt if my life partner talked about my feelings for my child, or my relationship with the other parent of my child, in the flip, dismissive way that the author talks about this father and his son.

  • SmrtGrl86

    I dated a guy with a kid once and said never again. Not because of him or really even the kid but his mom. She was helping to raise the child because the mom ran off so he and the baby lived with her and she took care of the little girl while he was at work. Mom/Grandma had become so attached she viewed me as competition, like I was going to take the baby away from her. Plus she was a paranoid schizophrenic, so yeah lots of fun. I actually really wanted to get know the baby better and what not but her grandmother would have such a jealous fit every time I was around her or we took her places that it eventually killed the relationship.

    After that I avoided single dads like the plague. I figured if a grandma could be that possessive and psychotic over a child that wasn’t even hers, there was no way I wanted some kids mom loosing her shit at me over a kid I was just trying to be nice to. Plus I realized I didn’t want to be in a relationship where there is a permanent third person involved, I mean the other parent, not the kid. Kids are great, adults, we are assholes.

  • AlbinoWino

    I am currently in the difficult position of having just moved in with my fiance and his seven year old. They moved here from out of the country and her mom is 5,000 miles away so we have her full time. It has been quite the life change overnight. I get along with his daughter pretty well but she has been having some increased behavior problems since the big move which is to be expected. She isn’t really ever mean to me directly but rather saves it all for her dad. I wouldn’t say that I’m jealous but it’s hard going from being able to spend time with that person exclusively (he used to visit the US for weeks at a time for work) to being a sudden threesome. I occasionally find myself resentful just because we hardly ever have a single moment to ourselves and she is never even content to go play in her room for more than ten minutes. I have concerns over how it will effect our relationship overall and even though I had some idea of what I was getting into it’s still different once you’re in it. The only time he and I have been away from his daughter in these last 2 months was when a friend watched her while we moved stuff. Not exactly quality time together.

    • Kay_Sue

      (hug)

      There’s a distinct period of adjustment. We don’t have my stepdaughters full time, but keep them for the majority of the summer. The first week, week and a half, is total chaos and very rough. Our house rules are more…strict. Not even crazy strict, just more structured, which is difficult, although they seem to warm up beautifully to it. But there’s always a period where they are clingy, and while they are down for eight-ish weeks, we go from having our weekly date night…to having one date night the entire time. It takes some adjustment on everyone’s part.

      What you’re feeling is totally normal and valid. Not only with partners that have had kids before…but even when having a child WITH your partner, these feelings are really really common. Have you tried talking to him about it? I know I’m an internet stranger, but I ask because I had a huge tendency not to want to deal with my emotions regarding my stepkids because I felt like if I asked for anything, I was taking away from them and I saw that as really unfair, because they get so little time with him anyway. But the fact is, having our relationship strong is what is best for everyone. They don’t have that at their mother’s home, and they need to see that from us. He’s actually the one that said that, and it made it much, much easier to voice my needs, because I can put it in the context that our relationship is important.

      And your fiance may not even notice your discontent. Right now, he’s finally got all of his favorite people under the same roof. I’m betting he’s euphoric. I really, really hope that everything works out well and that this is just that transitional period before you are all blessed with domestic bliss. Best wishes, AW!

  • Kelly

    I’ll go one further, if you’re the type of person who becomes jealous of a child you should never have any children either.

  • MellyG

    I get the part about missing the “First time” stuff. I had a serious relationship with a man who had been married and had a toddler. I adored him, adored the toddler. But as we got more serious, talking marriage and kids of our own, it occurred to me that his proposal to me wouldn’t be his FIRST, our walk down the aisle was not his first, and he would not be giddy at the idea of being a dad for the first time. But then i realized, HEY, he’s already change diapers and calmed down a crying baby…..that could be an awesome resource!

    I do get the sadness of the lack of sharing “Firsts” together, but 1) that’s not the kid’s fault (i’d never date someone how had a kid and didn’t make that kid a priority!) 2) if you love or care about someone, it’s not a reason to break up. Every relationship has obstacles, yes?

    • Andrea

      Of course. And some you can get past and some you can’t.

    • Lackadaisical

      Yes, I would far rather be a last than a first when it comes to that sort of thing and I couldn’t trust a dad who did not adore his kids from a previous relationship as I would worry that he would view me and his kids by me as disposable and unimportant.

  • meteor_echo

    You know what? I understand her perfectly.
    I’d never fucking ever date a single father (or a man who’d want children, while we’re at that). Why?
    1) I don’t want to have my own kids, why the fuck would I want somebody else’s?
    2) Baby mama (and apparently, judging from the other comments, baby grandmama) drama. I don’t deal with ex bullshit, and I don’t want to have one of those have legal access to my house and my relationship 24/7.
    3) I place my partner as a №1 person in the relationship. When people have kids, their priorities shift too often, and they wouldn’t actually consider me their number one person in the world. Sorry, no can do. If I’m putting my everything into you, I’m not going to be reciprocated with “you’re my number one *after* [insert kid's name]“.
    4) I’m not going to participate in mothering somebody’s child, while everyone and their dog thinks that I have no right to parent it, even if it has lousy manners and attitude. Nope.

    Also, it goes both ways – single parents, stop the fuck asking out career-minded or childfree women. Just. Stop.

    • Lackadaisical

      Those points sound more reasonable and honest than the points made in the article. No one has to be a parent and there is nothing wrong or selfish with not wanting to date someone who would make you a step mother when you don’t want any kids at all. However you are honest about that while the tone of the xo Jane article seems to be blaming the dad and kid rather than seeing it as an incompatibility problem for which no one is to blame.

      I am not so sure about the career women with no kids should never date single parents thing though. Yes, it is true of some career centred women but other child free career women might feel differently. Men with no kids and well paid jobs that are important to them are not banned from dating single mums and no one bats an eyelid at step dads who have no biological kids of their own and are career-minded. I have a female and a male friend who are career minded, have no biological kids (and don’t want them) but are step parents and are genuinely happy to be so. I don’t see why single dads should not dare ask out any one with a good job or no kids so long as they aren’t lying about having a kid or getting touchy about being turned down, a woman who wants no kids in her life can always say no.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      Man I want you to write this for me

  • shafiq

    Hallo……….

  • LiberalGilt

    Just wait….gay marriage is upon us.

  • gothicgaelicgirl

    em….sorry…did she NOT know he had a child?!

    I’ve been with my partner nearly 5 years and he has always told me the kids come first.
    I would lose respect for him if he didn’t make that clear, because in my book, the kids always come first with me too!

    We even have a plan JUST in case something happens and we break up, we have a plan to make it less hurtful on the kids. Not something I WANT to think about but I’d rather we had some idea of what to do if it ever happened.

    Being jealous of a child is beyond ridiculous, that child is half of that person you love.

    You will ALWAYS come second to a child.

    That’s the magic of a parent-child bond.

    I am happy knowing the kids come first because I wouldn’t have it any other way, EVER.