‘Princeton Mom’ Compiles All Of Her Stupid Man-Finding Tips Into One Book Let’s Hope No One Reads

Screen Shot 2014-03-04 at 8.01.00 AMDo you want to turn your college years into a time when you morph yourself into a throwback 1950′s wife with no opinions, shunning education to chase down men who will never know who you really are? If so, buy Susan Patton aka the Princeton Mom’s new book, Marry Smart: Advice For Finding THE ONE.

I know many of you women go to college to, oh, I don’t know – get an education and carve out some interests that will ensure you set yourself on the right career path early. But that’s dumb. I mean really, who cares about getting the most out of the kind of focused learning you will never again have in your life? It’s a much better idea to hit the gym regularly so you look amazing when you meet the man you will hide all of your real opinions from.

The Daily Princetonian was lucky enough to get some excerpts from Patton’s opus. According to Patton, men don’t need dating advice because they can take their time finding a woman due to the fact that they have no biological clock. Also, they can just marry mean women to have sex with:

“You don’t have to marry a man who is as smart, capable and accomplished as you,” she wrote. “But tell the truth: Don’t you want to?”

Patton wrote that men, on the other hand, can date “dumb, mean or nasty” women who will have sex with them. She acknowledged that her advice is only meant for women. Men, she wrote, don’t need dating advice and can take their time in finding a wife and having children.

I almost want to buy the book to see how she reconciles these points. If men can and do take their sweet time finding a life mate, why even bother putting a bunch of effort into looking amazing, smelling good, and not swearing or revealing any of your real opinions in college to land one?

Women should be the driving force in changing the hookup culture on college campuses. Because men have come to “expect free sex,” men will not start to think about having serious relationships until women stop making themselves so available to men without commitment, she wrote.

Men expect “free sex” now ladies – and it’s all your slutty fault. Never mind that college-aged women actually like sex too – and probably really don’t want to get married in their early twenties either. But don’t think about that. Really don’t think about college at all. Of course you should get by so you don’t get tossed out, because this is the only time you will be surrounded by men who are your intellectual equals, Patton claims. I’m not sure why that matters since she doesn’t emphasize the importance of intellect in this great man search at all. She advises you think about working out, getting surgical intervention if you are obese, having a clean mouth, learning to cook, and getting regular manicures.

The cherry on top of this shit sundae overflowing with bad advice is the victim-blaming stance she tosses in for fun:

Additionally, if a woman dresses provocatively, drinks too much and then enters a male’s room, whatever happens next is all on her.

“Please spare me your ‘blaming the victim’ outrage,” Patton wrote, adding that these women have “displayed screamingly bad judgment and must bear accountability for what may happen next.”

So, just to recap: your biological clock is ticking, men don’t care and stop being such a slut. There – I just saved you $18.

(photo: Amazon)

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  • Lee

    I would hope men expect free sex when they are hooking up. Paying for it would be illegal prostitution.

  • keelhaulrose

    Is this packaged with that “To Train a Child” book? Buy both and had back in time! Better than a Delorian!

  • Renee J

    I think she’s just trolling us.

    • rrlo

      No other explanation for this madness!

  • http://www.ambiencechaser.com/ Elizabeth Licata

    Didn’t this Princeton Mom schtick start when she was like, “You Princeton bitches should get it together and look for a good Princeton boy to marry. Like my son.”? I don’t think it will work, because can you imagine having this woman for a mother-in-law?

    • Sara610

      You know who I feel really bad for? Her sons. Because after reading this schlock, no decent, self-respecting woman is going to enter into any kind of a relationship where THIS is going to be your mother-in-law. Can you imagine Susan Patton as the grandmother of your children?
      Holy hell.

  • Crusty Socks

    Now, what can I do with the $18 that Maria just saved me…

    • G.E. Phillips

      Go buy something slutty to wear?

    • Crusty Socks

      I already have plenty

    • G.E. Phillips

      Ok, then buy me something slutty to wear.

    • Crusty Socks

      Target brand yogapants coming up!

    • Valerie


    • Jillian

      I’m going to make a t shirt that says, “future wife of a princeton graduate” and I will walk all around campus looking for her sons. ahahahaha

  • libraryofbird

    I wonder if there is a section on how to get a man if you are taking online classes? Totes would be helpful cause right now I’m just getting an education.

    • Williwaw

      On-line dating! Just watch out for dick pix.

  • Jell

    It seems like she’s taking a common notion “Universities are a good place to meet like minded peers and begin to have serious relationships”, completely discarded any shred of common sense or qualifiers that go along with that thought, and bought into a slew of outdated gender stereotypes so she can package it as a novel idea.
    Who needs progress when you can capture the motives of an entire gender in one statement?

    • bl

      Right. I agree with her that college is a good time to start looking for a serious relationship/spouse if marriage is an important life goal for you. But why take it so far to “Face the consequences if you find yourself drunk and at the mercy of one of these intelligent, eligible men you’re after”?

    • MellyG

      I get so ragey about the idea that men can’t control themselves, and the mentality that “well,you brought it on yourself”. Why don’t we ever have the conversation about “Well, men, if you see a drunken lady at your frat party, who can barely stand up, you’re a douche if you take advantage of her. Also, a rapist. A douchey rapist” Isn’t THAT the book that should be written?

      What’s funny to me is that men are fully aware of this – and there are GOOD men who don’t buy into their gender having a lack of self control. When i was in a sorority, there was a frat on campus dubbed the date rape frat. It was dubbed that by OTHER frats, who didn’t want to be associated with them. In fact, my sorority’s brother fraternity would often take measures to get somewhat protective of us.

      There are plenty of good men out there, so i really don’t understand why the conversation is “here’s how not to get raped” instead of “gee, men, why don’t you NOT rape”.

      Sorry, rant over.

    • Kheldarson

      Until men do take the “don’t be douchey rapists” convoy to heart, we need BOTH conversations. Not to blame women, but to make them aware of surroundings to lessen the chances. Like on another forum I’m on, a gal posted about how her and her friends went out drinking at their favorite bar. They noticed a creepy guy watching them. Then one of the group, whose drink was left alone briefly, started feeling I’ll. They all left and went elsewhere before having to take the one girl home as her symptoms got worse. Paying attention, knowing the signs of a potential date rape drug, and having a plan ensured the one friend was safe. I don’t think that’s a bad thing to make sure of, especially when we know there are douches out there.

    • Sara610

      I agree with you on the point that women need to know how to cut down on the chances of being in a situation that they can’t handle. One good way to do that is to make sure that you don’t get so wasted that you don’t know what’s going on, or make sure that you have a group of friends where everyone is looking out for everyone else, etc. It’s kind of like driving a car–you’re never going to know 100% for sure that you won’t get in a fatal accident, but wearing your seat belt, not texting while driving, etc. are still good ways to try to protect yourself.

      HOWEVER…..I think the major problem that people have with Patton’s rhetoric, including myself, is the notion that the responsibility of rape ultimately lies with anyone but the rapist. If you have a girl in your dorm room who’s completely wasted and one boob is hanging out of her tube top, there’s still nothing about that that makes it okay to rape her. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter what she’s wearing or how much she’s had to drink.

    • MellyG

      Yes this – i think women should be taught how to be careful, but the idea that it is OUR responsibility not to tempt men, or to “stay out of trouble” is insane.

      Women like sex too! But somehow we manage to get through life not raping men all the time (i’m aware that it happens, just obviously not to such a degree). And college campuses aren’t having the “don’t be a rapist” conversation with men. They’re having plenty of the “ladies, don’t get drunk, don’t be alone, et” convos, but NOT the “hey men, why don’t you try not to rape” conversations. It shouldn’t ALL be on us

    • brebay

      Gah! This. My friend posted some shit on FB about “if more girls acted like ladies, more boys would be challenged to act like gentlemen.” What the what? Um, no, you don’t get gentlemen points for treating a girl with self-respect like a lady; you’re a gentlemen for treating a drunk girl who is disrespecting herself like a lady ANYWAY, that’s what makes you a gentleman. It’s about who you are, not about who the girl is. I hate that crap; it manages to be equally sexist to men and women at the same time.

    • whiteroses

      On a particularly memorable first date, I went to a bar with my date and my roommate, who had another date later in the night. I drank far too many whiskeys. The last thing I remember is asking my date to dance with me at maybe midnight. I came to at 6 AM the next morning, in my pajamas, in my own bed.

      I asked my roommate what happened and she said, “You got completely trashed. He insisted the three of us go home together. He got in the cab with you, paid for it, and waited in the hallway while I got your pajamas on you. When he was sure you were ok, he went home. He gave me his number just in case, and he wants you to call him.”

      That’s why I find it utterly hilarious when people act like a man can’t control himself in those kinds of situations. My date could have taken so much advantage of me- and I’d never have remembered it. He didn’t. I married the guy a decade later- and I’ve never been sorry I did.

  • tk88

    Nothing like a good ol’ fashioned MRS degree. Ugh…

  • Aimless

    Oh, but you didn’t even mention this little gem of a term she uses in the book “A plopper. A big lump that goes plop! A grossly overweight person.” This is obviously someone we all want to take life coaching advice from!

    • Jillian

      Oh that Susan Patton! Always taking time out of her busy, privileged rich bitch schedule to “enlighten” us all. Next she will be writing to tell us all how to not be poor and how to not have anxiety, depression or emotional issues. She is just always helping those in need! ;)

    • Ms. Anne

      Don’t worry, if she doesn’t get around to it we’ve always got lots of internet commenters to do that for us for free!

      *sigh* People are awful.

  • Zoe Lansing

    My stepmom got married her freshman year at Princeton.Even though she ended up getting divorced 8 years later, she doesn’t regret marrying so young. She had a great marriage the first few years,is grateful to have her three sons from that marriage, and is still good friends with her ex. All that being said, she still thinks this woman is a batshit crazy relic.

  • Sara610

    Nope. Nope, nope, nope. Not going to read this–just the excerpts above are making me all kinds of ragey.

    Seriously, why would anyone care what Patton has to say? What accomplishment or credentials does she have to lend her any kind of credibility?

    It sounds like she’s bitter that she chose an incompatible partner and rather than looking inward to see what went wrong between her and her husband, she’s blaming the failure of her marriage on the fact that he didn’t go to Princeton and using that as the basis for her (amazingly poorly-thought-out) advice to all women.

    And the idea that the responsibility for rape lies with anyone but the rapist? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOmygod.

  • evilstepmom

    I kinda want to find this book used somewhere… I mean I can’t stop other people from buying it, but if I buy it used and share it then she isn’t getting any more money. And I really want to read and share this cautionary tail. Yes, child, beware. The idiots are everywhere!

    • http://www.benwhoski.com/ Benwhoski

      I work for a non-profit that sells used books online. I can’t WAIT for this to start showing up in our inventory so I can thumb through it on my break and be outraged by it. It’ll be the most righteously angry fun I’ll have had since I did the same thing with “The Rules”.

  • Jillian

    “Because men have come to “expect free sex,” men will not start to think about having serious relationships until women stop making themselves so available to men without commitment, she wrote.”

    That’s right ladies your not allowed to enjoy sex until at the very least you get an engagement ring from him or a “will you be my girlfriend” confirmation. At the very least a facebook status that says he is in a relationship with you. So don’t even think about god forbid being young and having fun no commitment casual sex during your college years or you are slut! But it is not men’s fault! No! Men are just innocent, sex driven creatures who are not responsible for their actions. Clearly men will only learn when women stop being promiscuous it is just all women’s fault. If these college ladies would just class it up some more and start fully committing to the search for a hubby their first day of frosh week then this slutty epidemic wouldn’t be happening. Put that vagina back in your leggings and cover those breasts as if you were nun up if you want to catch a good future husband now. So class up ladies because Susan Patton is watching and judging you.

    • http://www.benwhoski.com/ Benwhoski

      I’m always baffled by the concept of sex as currency in exchange for marriage. This idea that men want sex, and women are supposed to use sex to catch a man is just bizarre to me. Is the idea that women might pursue sex for its own sake really so outlandish?

      Then again, I once got to turn that trope around on a coworker who kept pestering me about why I wasn’t demanding more of a commitment from my romantic partner at the time. Even though I had heard her condescendingly use the line on other young women, she had no idea how to react when I replied flatly with “Why buy the cow when I’m getting the milk for free.”

      I mean, I suppose I really should have found a comparable metaphor using a bull, but the only thing I can think of to use in place of “milk” is “beef” and that makes it sound like I had plans to cannibalize my boyfriend (I’m FAR too much of a steak snob to go that route).

    • Kheldarson

      It depends on what you’re going for in a relationship, I think. For instance, I always wanted something long-term that I knew would be compatible with my beliefs. Waiting to have sex became a way to weed out those who wouldn’t respect those beliefs or me in the long-term. Conversely I have friends who do go out and have casual sex and enjoy themselves in whatever capacity, whether in long-term relationships or not. And then I have a friend who seems to be trying to tie guys to her via sex with all the heartbreak that goes with it when the relationship ends. So sex is a currency, but it only has as much weight as you give it based on your goals and ideals.

  • MellyG

    My step mother would LOVE the book – when i went to law school she assured me it was a “phase” and it was “Cute”, but i wouldn’t want a career once i found a man. Yea, law school (and the work and debt that comes with it) was for funsies, because i was bored. She also once advised me never to eat ice cream in front of a man until i had a ring (i eat ice cram like a toddler). Thankfully, I have a man that thinks the way i eat ice cream is adorable.

    And regular manicures? What man notices manicures? I’m not opposed to them, i’ve just never considered my nails as the reason why i have or don’t have a man.

    I’m not even going to get started on the rage i’m feeling for her blame the victim crap, among other things.