• Tue, Mar 4 - 11:00 am ET

The 10 Ways My Brother Proved Boys Are Gross And Evil

mEDC4AvwYElEoLfK5WA_wwgAs the youngest of four icky poor kids, I didn’t have a whole lot of consistency growing up. Thankfully, I could always count on my brother to consistently be a massive wang. Last night, he helped me compile this list of psychological terrorism and physical torture as we skipped down memory lane together. I was feeling so nostalgic that I had a moment of regret while looking at my daughter’s unbutchered hair and arm skin free of twisty burns and wondered if she was missing out. Then I put down all that good shizz I’d been smoking because hell no.

The Jaguar Under the Stairs

When we were younger—I was about 4–my siblings and I went to live in my grandparent’s attic (it was super cool, promise. None of that poison cookie mess.) The stairs to the attic had one of those broom closets underneath it, and my brother convinced me that a jaguar lived inside it. A jaguar that loved to eat little girls named Theresa. Sometimes he would hide in the closet and growl, and then laugh when I peed my pants.

Lester the Creepy Clown

My grandparents also had a super creepy crocheted clown with an unholy porcelain face that my brother nicknamed “Lester the Molester” when we were about 12 and 13. His favorite thing to do was to hide Lester in dark places where I was sure to find him, after which I may or may not have also peed my pants.  It was nightmare fuel.

The Legend of Alphonse

All of my siblings moved away from home when I was about 6, and they split us into different homes. I lived across a small man-made pond from my brother, and our houseparents worked hard to keep us hanging out. One beautiful spring day, we were strolling around the pond when my brother launched into a story about Alphonse, the massive man-eating snapper that lived there. He convinced me to lean in to get a closer look, and then pushed me in. My hair smelled like duck dookins for a week, and I flipped out when my leg got tangled in some stringy algae.

Throwing Hot Water on My Bee Sting

We lived close to HersheyPark, and went a lot. One day, I got stung by a bee and at the first-aid station, my brother helpfully poured hot water on my sting. At the time it was “because it draws the stinger out” last night on the phone it was “because no one was paying attention to me”.

 

Breaking My Wrist Because Why Not

One day, my brother and I skipped a drug and alcohol awareness assembly to go drink goldschlager together, and we had to cross a field for some reason.  He tripped me, and when I ran after him to retaliate, he ducked down in the fetal position, tripping me again. Boom. Broken. Also, detention when I got caught skipping.

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  • PsychMama

    Wow. Your brother sounds positively awful. I truly hope that he has changed his ways. Some of those things sound like normal sibling stuff, but many of them sound like something, um….more. My background in psych is setting off all kinds of red flags and alarm bells for your brother’s mental health. I am so sorry for all that you have gone through and truly hope you are doing OK. I know that this post was meant to be humorous, but I found it upsetting (for you!) and disturbing (for him!). I hope your brother got the help he needs.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

    • https://twitter.com/FaintlyXMacabre Theresa Edwards

      Something more? You mean like SUPER sibling stuff?

    • Guest

      Yeah, I agree – those things sound horrible. I think it’s kind of a shame we seem to have normalized tormenting one’s siblings to the extent that people find this funny. I’m also sorry that people were quite so dismissive of your background; I have a feeling that if this were someone posting about things an ex did to her that she now found funny, people probably wouldn’t just laugh at someone pointing out that this might signal some more serious problems. Yes, kids aren’t as morally culpable as adults, but they don’t get a free pass either. If you do horrible things to your sibling, you did horrible things – and you were wrong to do them. They might forgive you, but it doesn’t negate that you were wrong to do them.

    • PsychMama

      Thanks. Yes, I did expect that some might be dismissive of my background. Happens a lot. It’s ok. But I felt compelled to write because of the very issue you bring up. Some of these kinds of behaviors have been normalized but there is truly a blurry line between normal “rule violations” and serious psychological issues. I feel badly b/c it sounds like the author and her brother endured some intense abuse from their mother (per “the brother’s” post about the mother being so much worse than he was), which is exactly what I suspected while reading the article. Had a sick feeling in my stomach throughout. These behaviors clearly cross a line. I hope that he has been able to get the help he needs because it sounds like he was on a path toward a dangerous and intractable personality disorder.

    • Psych Student

      I totally agree (psychology ftw) however, I am inclined to avoid suggesting that the author should be bothered by something that doesn’t bother her. You and I can look at the experiences and see that they seem rather cruel, but if Theresa thinks the events are funny and her brother is a fairly well adjusted person now, then it’s more helpful to support her in her positive recounting of the experiences.

    • PsychMama

      Sure – she has developed a powerful defense mechanism to protect her. That is definitely a good thing. But when she puts the story out there for public consumption and everyone is jumping on the bandwagon in the comments suggesting that this is “funny” or “normal,” it has the potential to actually dismiss her true experience. The way I figure it, deep down, she has to have been hurt by these events, traumatized even. How could she not? At least in the moment when they occurred. Especially in the context of poverty and a possibly abusive/neglectful mother. So her defense mechanism protects her (as it should). But if she never hears supportive others validate that the experience was, indeed, unusual/traumatic/legitimately “not ok,” then she will never begin to internalize the idea that she suffered a trauma and receive proper validation for her experience. She will otherwise begin to convince herself that this was “normal” or she “deserved it” or something of that nature. The is similar to the cycle of domestic abuse. When people dismiss a trauma as “funny,” acceptable, or “no big deal,” the victim begins to internalize this narrative instead of feeling supported in their true underlying upset feelings. Just wanted to be one of the few voices that reaches out to validate/support the author. Although I suspect she does not see it that way. Makes sense – I am a stranger. But I do feel for her. Good luck with your studies!

    • Psych Student

      Yep, I officially agree with you 100%. And the author did mention how traumatizing it was at the time. I was talking to someone who mentioned that the struggles he went through made him into the person he is (someone who fights for the underdog and such) but that doesn’t excuse the behaviors of the people who abused him. And thank you for the luck. I am down to the last year and a half and I’m so very ready to be done!

  • LiteBrite

    A friend of mine had four older brothers, and they used to pull this same kind of dickhead stuff on her too. She did say once that it made her stronger as a person: if she could survive their assholery, she could handle anything.

    I can tell you that girls can be just as evil though. I know; I’m the oldest of four (two other girls and a younger boy).

    • https://twitter.com/FaintlyXMacabre Theresa Edwards

      Me and my brother were actually pretty tight, being as close in age as we were. I wonder if that’s related. Like, the closer you are, the more horrible to each other?

    • LiteBrite

      We were pretty far apart in age. (There are 7, 11, and 12 years between me and my siblings respectively.) It didn’t stop me from being a shit to my siblings though; the difference was, I was older and smarter than them and could think of better torture.

    • Zoe Lansing

      I think some of it is age but a lot has to do with personalities. I almost never fought with my sister, who was only 18 months older than me, or my two oldest brothers, who are 8.5 and 6 years older than me. But WWIII broke out fairly often between myself and the brother who’s 3.5 years older than me. My dad and stepmom always said it was because we were too much alike and we scoffed at the idea. Now that we’re older (and really close), however,we’re pretty sure they were right.

    • Valerie

      My brothers made me a stronger woman in many ways. For instance, I have serious fart survival powers- my husband has never been able to make me leave a room with his gas. Thanks bros!

  • ShanLea

    I thought this was actually a really sweet story. I’m the older sister (3 years) to one brother, and although we were totally awful to each other sometimes we always had each other’s back. Sounds like you have a wonderful friendship now, and as long as you can get a laugh out of these “terrible” things, more power to you. My brother survived the dirt tacos I force-fed him, and I survived the “Karate Kid” years!!

    • https://twitter.com/FaintlyXMacabre Theresa Edwards

      Yeah if anyone else tried to Fuzzy Bunny me, it was on.

    • LiteBrite

      I was going to say the same thing. As horrid and merciless as we were to each other, there was a serious beat down awaiting anyone outside of us who tried to same.

      Still is, actually.

    • Zoe Lansing

      Yep, my parents used to call the fights between me and the brother who is closest in age to me “The Jerry Springer Show” but if anyone outside the family had every messed with one of us, the other would’ve actually gone crazy chair-throwing guest on his or her ass. Still would.

  • Maria Guido

    Pics of you in the giant Hershey’s Kiss outfit or it didn’t happen.

    • https://twitter.com/FaintlyXMacabre Theresa Edwards

      I could try and dig some up–but how would you know it was me? There wasn’t like a head hole. Just a circle of halitosis mesh for breathing over one eye.

    • Valerie

      Posse

    • https://twitter.com/FaintlyXMacabre Theresa Edwards

      awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww yiss

    • Lee

      I used to have a job as this when I was 16.

    • Lee

      ..

  • Valerie

    First of all, this article made me laugh my pants off. I may lose my job now because pants are sort of required here.

    Secondly, I too grew up with asshole brothers and could tell many stories but I think the best one was when I was in college and home for the summer and my brother (12 years old at the time) started spending a lot more time in the woods behind our house. We had a fight about something after he had been doing that for a few weeks and I was all “what are you doing back there, having sex with forest creatures?” and then he yells out “I’M DIGGING YOUR GRAVE!”
    He is a super normal dude and teaches elementary phys ed now but yeah…I spent a few years sort of afraid he was going to club me and drag me to my own personal hole in the woods.

    • https://twitter.com/FaintlyXMacabre Theresa Edwards

      That’s hilarious! Now put your pants back on.

    • Crusty Socks

      Wait, selfie first, then pants

  • CMJ

    the fuzzy bunny of our household was the big toe pinch. The big toe pinch is EXCRUCIATING.

    • Mystik Spiral

      We did “heel horses”, which were basically charley horses delivered to a sibling’s thigh with your heel. Ouch.

  • Crusty Socks

    Honestly, the best part is that you have titled all of these events.

    Nice write up

  • LadyClodia

    The Hershey Park story is awesome, lol. As I child I would have totally cheered if I saw someone tackle any of the characters because I was super scared of them; I’m sorry you got tackled, though. My brother played tuba at Hershey Park one season, and I regret that I was not able to go and mock him. I did get to mock him the few summers he played at Knoebel’s though.
    I was the older sibling and my brother was convinced that I had been absolutely terrible to him, which I had not been, but I had beat him up a few times (I, of course, stopped picking fights with him once he was bigger than me,) and there was very minimal psychological torture. For a long time he would bring up how horrible to him I was (apparently he was unable to remember all of the actually awesome things I did for him,) and I think his wife eventually told him to drop it because it’s been a while since he’s mentioned it.

    • https://twitter.com/FaintlyXMacabre Theresa Edwards

      OMG what year? Part of my job was following a tuba player as he farted out big brass versions of “Margaritaville”

    • LadyClodia

      LOL!, Uh, I don’t exactly remember, maybe 2003? I know he did a few years at Knoebel’s, one at Hershey, and one at Dutch Wonderland.

    • https://twitter.com/FaintlyXMacabre Theresa Edwards

      I’m talking circa 2001 or 2002 here. We did have to go to DW once as a group. There were other band members too.

    • LadyClodia

      I know he didn’t graduate high school until 2002, so I think it was after that because he had to live near Hershey that summer (we’re from Williamsport,) so I’m sure that wasn’t before he was 18.

    • airbones

      Wow…. I went to Hughesville HIgh for a few years! Lycoming County, FTW!!!

    • LadyClodia

      I had my senior pictures taken at a place in Hughesville, and I used to love going to the county fair there too!

    • airbones

      It was a great place to stay for a few years. I still miss that county fair. Every year I think about making the trip, but never actually do.

  • Kay_Sue

    Okay, first, I laughed my behind off the whole time.

    Second, it isn’t just boys. One summer we were visiting my grandparents and I convinced my younger sisters that there was a monster in the basement (they still won’t go down there, so I guess I did pretty damn good) when it was really just my grandfather thumping around.

    And my middle sister once pushed the youngest one out of a window screen because they were trying to escape from cleaning their room and she wanted to make sure it was safe before she went through herself….

    • CMJ

      Almost every time my brother came upstairs, he would reach his hand into the bathroom and turn on the light. My sister and used to hide there constantly and scare the shit out of our younger brother. Once, we thought it would be smart to wait outside our downstairs bathroom while my brother went in….turns out, it was our dad, and it wasn’t so smart.

    • Kay_Sue

      Yeah, dads take that stuff more seriously than siblings do. ;)

    • CMJ

      We definitely scared him, but he has pretty quick reflexes….My sister got whacked pretty good.

    • momjones

      Yes. Do not sneak up on/surprise a man who was a Squad Sergeant in the jungles of Vietnam.

    • LiteBrite

      My one sister and I convinced our brother he was adopted and that every day the mail person came might be the day he was taken away. He spent six months sobbing every time he saw a mail truck.

      My other sister also found a dead mouse in our basement and put it in his bed. We were awful to him sometimes. Of course now he’s 6’3″ and will kick my ass, so I’m a little more careful in my torture.

    • Guest

      Hell last year we convinced my niece we had a pet giraffe living under our stairs. Wasn’t really scary but she was super upset that she had to leave and didn’t get to see him.

  • Ptownsteveschick

    Sisters aren’t all that much better. I remember bruise checks, involving holding my sister down and poking all the bruises I could find, asking “does that hurt, well it doesn’t hurt me muahaha”
    Also moving all the dolls in the house around when she wasn’t looking and telling her they were alive. Covering her mouth and nose so she couldn’t breathe, trying to smother each other with pillows. Ah the good old days.

  • Guest

    Meh, that’s what brothers are for. My brother accidentally knocked me off the monkey bars trying to go ahead of me and I fell and broke my arm. I also fell chasing him once and hit a banister which took a chunk out of my arm. I ended up kicking him in the leg and somehow denting it (did you know you could dent a leg?) with my solid platform shoes. My older brother was worse though- held the dryer door shut after putting me inside and started it (ouch and hot). I did chase him with a baseball bat once though. Also, almost knocked his front tooth out with my right hook. That’s what families are for!

    • Lee

      I knocked my brother’s fake tooth out. He deserved it though. He was sitting on me and choking me. He also kept saying “Come on, hit me.” So I did.

    • Guest

      Well he clearly got what he asked for :-)

    • ShanLea

      I still have a chipped front tooth from where my little brother kicked me in the face as I was coming up the stairs. Granted, I was chasing him up the stairs to open a can of whoop-ass on him for messing with my barbies, but I can still guilt him with it to this day. “Oh, yeah, well, you chipped my tooth, so I get the free grandparent babysitting tonight!” LOL

  • The brother

    Damn psychmama sounds soooo douchy. Mmmyyyyy background in judging other people makes me soooo concerned about stuff and things. Seriously though our mother was so much worse too us then we were to each other

    • Valerie

      You sound so much like your sister. Love it.

    • Guest

      You do realize that “our mother was so much worse” isn’t really relevant to whether your behavior was wrong, right? Abusive behavior is often picked up from parents so, frankly, I think this would make someone more concerned, not less.

    • PsychMama

      Exactly. This whole scenario wreaks of abuse/neglect and trauma. I feel so so sorry for the author and her brother. There is sibling “stuff” and then there is major psychological trauma and ensuing consequences. Hope treatment has been sought and has helped!

  • 21foot house

    My older brother pulled stuff like this on me all the time. One time I got him though. He took a flying tackle at me and I sort of half ducked half threw him over me and put his head through the drywall. It was a good day.

  • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

    I’m….so glad I was a basically only child.

  • Zoe Lansing

    Honestly,most of these are things I would’ve done to my brothers had they not all been older,wiser,and stronger.I did manage to poor a large amount of salt up one of my brother’s noses once,however,so there’s that.

  • FormerlyKnownAsWendy

    This was pretty sweet and your brother was damned creative, I must say.

  • Kaili

    Coming from the deserts of Colorado my sister and I weren’t used to the humidity of the South when we would visit our grandparents. One summer was particularly awful and my sister kinda reeked. I told her she smelled like tattoos because she covered herself in peewee Herman temp tattoos. To this day she gets pissed when I tell her she smells like a tattoo. I also was queen of the toe pinch.

    My sister returns the favour by grabbing one of my legs whenever I am sleeping and playing it like a guitar. Like a Rockstar. It infuriates me. She also likes of cut out creepy looking people from magazines or newspapers and hide them in random places. She’ll buy 50 copied if she needs to. Once I was peeing and some creep on a Popsicle stick was waving under the door. Her pièce de résistance was papering the underside of my coffee table with weirdos that took me two years to find. Well the movers found it.

    I love that girl