If Someone Told Me Their 14-Year-Old Was Pregnant, ‘Drive Her Straight To The Clinic’ Would Be My Advice

shutterstock_78643876__1393864722_142.196.167.223If someone told me their 14-year-old was pregnant, I would tell them to drive her straight to the clinic. You know, the one that gives abortions.

Look, I don’t have a 14-year-old right now, I have a 9-month-old. I hope beyond hope that this is something I will never have to deal with. I plan on having an open, honest relationship with her, discussing sex and letting her know that engaging in sexual behavior at such a young age is ultimately very damaging. But I’m sure many parents who are faced with pregnant teenagers never thought they would be in that situation.

I read a parenting thread on Reddit today that forced me to think about this:

Your 14-year-old tells you she’s pregnant. How do you respond? Do you support her? Do you kick her out? Do you advise abortion? What would be your reaction and why?

First of all I’d like to point out that my reaction is totally hypothetical. If I’ve learned anything about parenting it’s that you never really know what you’ll do until you are standing square in the middle of whatever situation it is that you have hypothesized about in the past. All I know is – I truly believe a 14-year-old is too young to be a mother. I think a 14-year-old is too young to be having sex, period, but if the situation arose and one fell pregnant – I would totally advocate for an abortion.

Cue moral outrage here. I don’t care. There is so much social damage done because of the “morality” behind these decisions. Anti-choicers constantly make blanket statements about the “moral outrage” they feel at the death of a fetus – yet provide no real solutions to what to do with live babies who have no support. Oh wait – I forgot – Just give it up for adoption! Yes, because forcing a teenager to carry a child to term and give it up isn’t damaging at all.

I would advocate for an abortion in this situation because it is simply the best decision. No one can convince me that it is in a 14-year-old’s best interest to be a mother. Yes, she probably shouldn’t have been having sex in the first place – but she did. I’m all about solutions, not pie-in-the-sky fantasies about what is moral or not.

You know what kills me about the religious right? They think God controls everything, made everything and knows everything – except for the things they don’t like. What if God created abortions to give all the sinners (that he ultimately forgives, right?) a way out. What if God is literally screaming from the heavens – Hey morons! I gave you medical procedures to take care of this! Women have the ability to get pregnant every month! Do you really think it was my intention that they have all of those babies? What do you think I am, an idiot?

Society would be a whole lot better off if we could spend more money on education, give young mothers more support and in the cases where sex education and parental communication has failed, support the decision to abort whenever possible. Abortion is simply better for society as a whole than unleashing a bunch of unloved, unwanted and uncared for beings into the world.

That’s my advice in a nutshell.

(photo: BestPhotoStudio/ Shutterstock)

You can reach this post's author, Maria Guido, on twitter.
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    • Andrea

      Maria, it’s fine for you to have that position. I support EVERYONE’s right to choose. At the same time, everyone should have that right ya know? Even if it means they choose not to have an abortion.
      I personally think that a pregnant 14 year old should be an abomination; but we all know things happen. And we can’t impose our views on something so charged on everyone else.
      I don’t have daughters, but if I did, yes I would to strongly encourage an abortion (after I am done silently crying behind her back), but I just can’t force it. I just can’t.

      • Kelly

        An abomination? Seriously? That’s so incredibly harsh.

      • Andrea

        I don’t mean it that way, I meant it in the sense that it should never happen. No 14 year old should have to face that choice.

      • Justme

        The definition of abomination:
        1. anything abominable; anything greatly disliked or abhorred
        2. intense aversion or loathing; detestation
        3. a vile, shameful, or detestable action, condition, habit, etc.

        Which of these definitions were you going for when you said that a pregnant 14-year-old should be an abomination?

      • Iwill Findu

        Maybe more 14 yr olds having sex in the first place is an abomination, because their still pretty much babies themselves at that point? Both physically and mentally.

      • Justme

        It’s certainly not ideal and not what I want for my daughter nor the students I teach…but a “vile, shameful or detestable action, condition, habit?” I disagree. There are better words to describe a pregnant 14-year-old.

      • Iwill Findu

        Sad is a better word. Because a pregnant 14 yr old is just sad.

      • Andrea

        I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it in that sense. I mean that it should never happen. No 14 year old should have to face that choice.

      • Sara

        Maybe you meant anomaly?

      • Jezebel76

        Obviously you must be this thread’s arbiter of morals. Good to know.

      • Andrea

        Seriously, I didn’t mean it that way. I meant it in the sense that it should never happen. No 14 year old should have to face that choice. Not because I think they shouldn’t be having sex (I guess I do, but not because of moral reason, I just don’t think very many 14 year olds have the mental maturity to handle sex), but because they should be better educated so it doesn’t happen.

    • rrlo

      Ooh, controversy! I am going to get the pop-corn ready and see how this plays out…

    • Kay_Sue

      I would want her to know that I loved and supported her, and I would give her all of the information possible. Then we would talk it through, and make the best decision for her. I don’t want to make that decision for her either way–just give her my never ending love and support.

      • Tinyfaeri

        This. I would never stick my 14 year old daughter with raising a child alone, we would find a way to make it work if she wanted to keep the baby, go with adoption or have an abortion. I don’t think I would really advocate for any one of the three because they’re all such personal decisions.

      • Kay_Sue

        Yeah, regardless of what decision she made, she’d be the one that had to live with it for the rest of her life. I can’t imagine pushing her one way or the other. I’d just want her to have the honest truth, and I’d want to give her the chance to make her own choice.

      • KatiA

        Yes. Not to mention, Parenting, giving up your child for adoption, and abortion are all hard things so its not going to be a smooth ride no matter what, so why suggest one thing? The girl will probably resent you for making the choice that results in her hardship (all of them will) and if she doesn’t abort and you’ve told her to, she won’t forget that. Trust me on that one..

      • Kelly

        This is true. My MIL demanded an abortion and called several of my husband’s relatives to ask how they could come up with a plan to force me into having one. I will never forget that. It’s always there. You can’t take back some things.

      • KCLea

        Exactly, I will never forget my dad wanted me to have an abortion. I found out he wanted to put something in my food to cause me to miscarry, too. It’s hard to trust someone after that.

      • Courtney Lynn

        Yep.

    • Kelly

      My advice would always be abortion for anyone dealing with an unwanted pregnancy.

      But that’s a decision people have to make for themselves so my advice doesn’t matter all that much.

    • AlbinoWino

      I definitely support this. It’s hard because the girl should ultimately have the choice but it’s hard when they can’t even remotely grasp what parenthood will entail. I worked at a treatment center for teenage girl with emotional and behavior issues and we had 3 different girls at once who got pregnant at 13 and gave birth at 14. Guess how many had custody of their kids? None. They saw their children as play things or more like little siblings. Two of them were being raised by grandparents and one was put up for adoption after her mother flaked out too much. One girl had custody and had a pretty good deal living in a center for young mothers where they cared for her daughter while she went to school. She fucked that up going out and getting drunk one night and getting arrested so her daughter was placed in emergency foster care. This particular girl was the youngest of five daughters and each one had a baby by the time they were 16. Their mom was 39 with 9 grandchildren. It was a family legacy. The sad thing was the girl we worked with would work sometimes and get a little money and spend every penny on herself. I never saw her buy a single thing for her daughter. She would talk about caring for her daughter and wanting custody but she didn’t do a single thing to make this happen. There was zero emotional maturity even at the age of 17 for her.

      As harsh as it sounds, most our girls had their babies because they came from broken homes and thought by having a baby they would have someone there to love them unconditionally while ignoring the other difficulties that come with parenthood. If I had a young pregnant daughter I would try to make sure they knew all of these realities before making a decision. A child is not simply a fun play thing.

      • Psych Student

        I’m guessing that at least some of teen parents had parents that were teen parents. I’m a bit baffled that so many teen moms have children who follow the pattern. I guess that some of it is that they didn’t have a model for how to talk to kids about sex. And a great many other problems since teen moms have are likely to have another child within a few years (arg!).

    • Ennis Demeter

      I suspect that even die hard anti choice folk who love their daughters would help her access abortion in cases like this.

      • Kelly

        My experience with hardcore anti-choice people is that they will force their own daughters to carry pregnancies, even in cases of rape or incest. Even at ages much younger than 14.

      • Pzonks

        I know someone who volunteers at an abortion clinic as an escort, it’s the only abortion clinic around. She knows many of the regular protesters by face. She’s helped escort a number of those protesters and their pregnant teen daughters into the clinic. She said they are almost always scheduled as either the first appointment of the day or the very last, that way they are less likely to have to face the protesters (since of course they’d recognize Mom).

      • Psych Student

        I think that when that’s true (and it is) it’s even worse. Then the anti-choice person thinks that it’s alright for a woman to get an abortion but only when it’s *their* kid. Not when it’s anyone else’s child.

    • keelhaulrose

      I know for sure I wouldn’t kick my daughter out. That’s the only thing I know for certain.
      After that I’d like to think we’d have a very serious conversation where all possibilities are discussed.
      I had a cousin give birth at 15. My aunt and uncle said they would help her, but they were done parenting infants, so she would have to realize that when she moved out she’d bring the baby, when she went to college she’d have to bring the child, she’d have to ask them to babysit if she wanted to go out and it wasn’t a guarantee. She decided to have the baby, and it worked for them, but she matured fast. I’d like to think I’d say the same thing, but I don’t know how I’ll react until I’m in the thick of things.

      • whiteroses

        I think that what your aunt and uncle did was force her to face up to her responsibilities- so I give them major props.

      • keelhaulrose

        There was certainly talk of abortion and adoption (my cousin was adopted herself), but in the end my aunt and uncle let her make the decision. It was her responsibility, they told her not to expect anything from her boyfriend (though, to his credit, he hasn’t been horrible though he hasn’t been that great, either). My aunt and uncle have raised a good group of kids.

      • Pzonks

        That’s what my Mom always told me, she HAD her kids and if I got pregnant while I could live at home and she’d help I would be doing all the work, not her. I’d be staying home every weekend to take care of the baby. I’d be spending all my money on baby items instead of clothes for me. It didn’t sound very appealing.

      • Psych Student

        It drives me nuts when teen parents say that they deserve to have time away from the baby and that they are “still a teen” and should get to do teen stuff. Um, no. You had a baby, you don’t get to be a teenager again. Free time is a privilege, not a right.

      • SarahJesness

        If I had a pregnant teenage daughter on my hands, I’d probably do something similar. If she doesn’t want to get an abortion, establish how big of a responsibility that baby will be. It’s not fair to expect the parents to care for her child. That’s her job. Less time for extracurricular activities and going out and such. Extra money she has would have to go more for the baby, less for herself. College education might have to be delayed a bit.

    • JLH1986

      I would want her to know I loved her, supported her and we would discuss options, with me strongly encouraging an abortion. I would discuss with her what raising a child looks like and while I would help her in whatever way I could, I would not be raising the child. I would give her all the information I could on keeping the child (insurance, medical bills, diapers, formula etc.), adoption and abortion. But yes I would be encouraging abortion. At 14 I’m not sure even a mature 14 year old could really understand the ramifications of any decision and as her parent I would try to make it as clear as I could.

      • ted3553

        I would never force an abortion or kick her out if she didn’t get one but I would absolutely do my damndest to push the abortion. There’s no way a 14 yr old is going to raise and support a baby by herself or even with the help of the father. The parents are going to end up playing a major role and it’s most definitely not a role my husband or I were ready to play. It’s an incredibly difficult situation

      • Psych Student

        I’m with you. I would encourage abortion and would hopefully have had enough abortion-positivity growing up in the home that it wouldn’t be such a tough choice. However, I wouldn’t force anyone to have an abortion. I suppose this is one of the moments you hope the groundwork is there and cross your fingers!

    • EX

      I would offer my emotional support, give her as much information as possible and hope that she chooses abortion because it would be best for everyone. I would not, however, force her to have an abortion against her will. I would support her in whatever she chose to do. In my opinion, pro-choice is pro-choice. She has a right to decide, even at 14.

      • Jezebel76

        Yep. I think a good number of staunchly pro-choice people willfully ignore the other side–that choice connotes a variety of choices, not just the choices for which we have to fight, legislatively and otherwise. I’m not saying I’d necessarily encourage a 14-year-old to keep a child or even carry the pregnancy to term, but I know a number of people who adamantly adhere to “choice equals abortion in pretty much all such cases” and that choosing to see the pregnancy to term is this automatically retrograde, patriarchal thing to do. And I critique this stance as someone who’s pro-choice. But damn. I see too much of the “choice is only choice if you make the choice I would make” ilk.

    • Iwill Findu

      The sad thing is I know a girl who’s mother forced her to get two abortions during her teen years. It never stopped her from having sex and now in her mid twenties I wouldn’t call her a functional adult, as she spends her life trying to actively rebel yet seeking her parents approval. So much so that she cheated on her boyfriend a week before their wedding because her mother liked the other guy better, so her mother pretty much still controls every aspect of her life.

      The thing that ticks me off about the whole thing is this women stands on her soap box preaching about how abortion is wrong and murder, yet when she thinks no one is looking makes her daughter have them because your father is a pastor and you’ll make the family look bad by having a baby. So abortion is wrong but only for other people.

      My mother was very honest with us as teenagers if we got pregnant we wouldn’t be allowed to keep the baby but since my mother doesn’t agree with abortions (outside of a medical need) we would be putting the baby up for adoption. We would be allowed to go though a open-ended adoption (there is a great group does that) so would have contact with the child but we would not be raising it. She even when so far as to have the form just hanging on the fridge just in case (with 4 daughters she wanted it to be a constant reminder) My sister had a few friends try to pressure her into getting pregnant with them as a teenager and she refused because she knew what our mothers response would be. After the lot of us were 18 my cousin got pregnant at 15 my aunt came over grabbed the form. My cousin sees her daughter once a year and is happy with her choice, and has a healthier relationship with her mother then the girl who’s mother dragged her to the clinic.

      • Kelly

        I might be in the minority on this subject but I think forcing adoption is just as bad as forcing abortion. Like it or not, the actual mother of the child should be allowed to make a decision, even if she is a minor.

      • Kay_Sue

        I don’t think that’s a minority opinion at all. I read an article just the other day on the forced adoption policy that was prominent in Ireland and the damage that it did on all fronts. No option, when dealing with an unwanted pregnancy, should be forced on the mother. I agree with you entirely.

      • Iwill Findu

        Fair enough but here the abortion girl wasn’t allowed to talk about it to get support from anyone because you’ll make us look bad. Were my cousin hand picked her daughters parents, had six months to chance her mind and legally take her daughter back, and still 8 years later has yearly visits with the child, and was able to talk to anybody she wanted to get the support that she needed.

      • A-nony-mous

        No, forced adoption is the correct word. There have been many time periods in several countries that have actively admitted that parents had ZERO choice in whether they wanted their child adopted-out or not.

        In Australia, [now former] PM Julia Gillard just recently apologized for Australia’s “Stolen Generation”. Women had babies pretty much stolen from the hospital and adopted-out without their consent. Fathers were ignored, as though they didn’t exist.

        In the US it was called the “Baby Scoop Era” which basically existed from the 50s to the 70s, when unmarried parenthood was a social sin. Women were sent away to unwed mothers homes where they were often forced to do hard labor, abused and then their babies were whisked away to be adopted by socially acceptable (aka married) people. They had no choice, no say and many never saw their children again.

        In Spain over 300,000 babies were stolen and adopted-out by the Catholic church. Similar things happened in Ireland.

        Many women were lied to and told their babies were stillborn when they weren’t, or died shortly after birth when they hadn’t, or given a wrong gender to throw them off ever searching. Many were told to basically “get over it” and that this was all a favor to them and they should just go home and “get on with” living their lives.

        Not to state the obvious but this didn’t happen and families were completely devastated, often forever, by this.

    • jane

      I am super duper extra pro choice. I also had a pregnancy scare at 16. I told my mother and the first thing she said was “well, you’ll have an abortion.” I wouldn’t have had an abortion then, and to this day, I think that would have been the right choice for me. Yes, it would have drastically changed my life trajectory. I also know that I’m lucky enough that my parents would have supported me no matter what. I also was an exceptionally mature 16 year old, pregnancy scare aside. But sometimes I think back on that and wonder if I actually would have been a better mother at 16 than I was at 25. I think in some ways I would have.

      In short, there are lots of ways to bring a loved and wanted baby into this world, be it from a mother who is 14 or 40. It’s really no one else’s business at all how if the pregnancy is continued or aborted if it ends up working out for the people directly involved.

      • whiteroses

        I think in a lot of ways- being pro choice means that you are glad you at least have the option.

      • Kay_Sue

        I could not have said it any better. My older son was an unplanned pregnancy, and I was 18 at the time. I was terrified, and while I very quickly decided that abortion was not for me at that point, just having the option–and making it for myself–was calming in a weird way.

      • whiteroses

        When I got pregnant with my son, the doctor offered to preform an abortion. I was in a foreign country and he didn’t know my situation- but when I found out I was pregnant I cried for three solid minutes.

        I know what it’s like to be pregnant and scared. Thus- I will never condemn anyone for having an abortion. It would never be the right choice for me, but it is what it is.

      • Kay_Sue

        Times a million.

    • Justme

      I don’t think I would say much of anything if my friend’s 14-year-old was pregnant. I would just offer up a listening ear and a support system for whatever decision they make as a family.

    • SA

      I would strongly encourage it. I wouldn’t force her, but we would have a lot of discussions on the matter and if abortion wasn’t an option for her, we would stress the idea of adoption. I would also let her know that her father and I were done raising children and while we would support her as our daughter, we would ONLY be playing the role of grandparents to her child.

    • whiteroses

      As the mom of a son- I can say that if he were in this situation, we’d do our best to support the girl in whatever choice she made. It wouldn’t be our decision. But I would be damned if I didn’t make my son face up to his part in it and take responsibility for what happened.

    • blh

      A fourteen year can’t even get a job or drive or take care of themselves. It would be the parents raising the child. God forbid I’m ever in that situation but she would definitely be getting an abortion. If I wanted another baby to raise I’d have one myself. Not to be mention physically its harder on girls that young to be pregnant and give birth.

      • Kelly

        What happens if she can’t deal with the fact that she had an abortion? People have committed suicide over being forced to have abortions. How could you do that to your own daughter?

      • Ennis Demeter

        No abortion should be forced, but if it is presentd as morally neutral, the way it should be, the likelyhood that feelings of shame and depression will follow are minimal.

      • Kelly

        How can you say someone forced to have an abortion wouldn’t be ashamed and depressed? They had their choice taken away from them. They had their basic rights over their own body taken away from them.

        Lots of young women have been forced to have abortions and lots of them aren’t cool with it. It’s a horrible thing and as far from pro-choice as one can get.

      • blh

        Parents have the right to make all other medical decisions for their children why not this one?? A child has no comprehension of what having a baby means. Somebody rgar young wanting to keep the baby is just an idiot I’m sorry they have no clue. And as a parent I wouldn’t let my kid force ME into raising another child.

      • Kelly

        Expect to lose your daughter if you force an abortion on her. I’m firmly pro choice but I would never be able to forgive any human being who forced an unwanted abortion on me. I don’t think I’m in the minority on that subject either.

      • blh

        Grandparents shouldnt be forced into raising grandchildren when they don’t want to and a child shouldnt live in a home where its not wanted.

      • Kelly

        Neither of those reasons give you the right to force an abortion on another woman. Even if that woman is your daughter.

      • blh

        Lol a 14 year old isn’t a woman sorry. Its a child. And yes me.not wanting to deal with another kid is a GREAT reason.

      • Kelly

        Then you aren’t pro choice. People like you are the reason laws exist to give minors access to birth control and medical treatment without their parents knowledge.

      • lady_black

        People have committed suicide over being forced to give birth against their will, too. The moral of the story? There were probably issues to begin with. And stop trying to force women.

      • Kelly

        How am I forcing anyone? I’m saying over and over again that the actual pregnant woman should be the one making the decision, not her parents or anybody else. Did you perhaps respond to the wrong person?

      • lady_black

        No I did not respond to the wrong person. Whatever is done must be acceptable to the pregnant woman. There isn’t always a good answer, only the best of a group of bad answers. I happen to believe that in the case of a fourteen year old, an abortion is probably the best answer. She should certainly be told that she is at a much higher risk of deadly and disabling complications than she would be if she were in her 20s, and I believe it’s well within the right of the parents of the 14 year old to not support giving birth since they would be the ones stuck with the baby and the bills. The ultimate decision rests with the 14 year old.

    • NYBondLady

      The author is clearly pro-choice. Unless you are a teenager, and in that case, there is only one choice to make.

      Also, I find some of her comments at odds. She claims that adoption is damaging to the mother (OK, I understand this), but then states “Abortion is simply better for society as a whole than unleashing a bunch of unloved, unwanted and uncared for beings into the world.”
      So to be clear, adopted babies are unwanted? Unwanted babies are kept because it is less damaging to the mother? In what sense is an aborted child better to society than a wanted baby adopted by a loving home?

      • Ennis Demeter

        I am not fond of the argument that abortion prevents unwanted humans from ruining society either. Abortion prevents women and girls from losing control of their bodies, their health, their education and their future. It is a good option to protect them and their future or existing children, period. That said, when women DON’T have control over their reproduction, misery follows. It certainly makes life much harder for women and girls, and it makes the quality of life if the children they do bring into the world worse. Remember that adoption wasn’t always done lovingly and carefully- there were orphanages and orphan trains and baby farms for “excess” children before technology and enlightenment gave women more control over matters. That is not to say that we can ever rue anyone’s existence, just that when women and girls control when and how many people they bring into existence, everyone is better off.

      • moonie27

        Generally it takes a very specific type of baby to get adopted into a loving home.

        And many women who get abortions wouldn’t necessarily give their baby up for adoption. I don’t think it’s an either/or situation, as weird as that may seem.

      • Pzonks

        Babies who are successfully adopted aren’t unwanted but there are a LOT of parent-less kids who ARE unwanted.

        II hate to say the standard, “everyone wants a healthy white baby” but it’s very true. The older kids, the non white babies, the non healthy ones, most of them ARE unwanted.

    • CMP414

      No matter what I will always love and support my daughter but if she was 14 years old and pregnant I think her choices would either be abortion or adoption. Maybe that’s easy enough to say now because she is a toddler and I am amazed when she pees on the potty so this type of situation is so off my radar. I do know that no 14 year old is ready for the good, bad, and ugly of parenthood and I also know myself well enough to know that I probably wouldn’t want to raise a baby in my 40′s especially since I will have a 12 year old at home when she is 14.

      • Ennis Demeter

        Could you handle strangers raising your grandchild, though?

      • whiteroses

        It’s better to have a child raised by strangers and be wanted and loved than be raised by its bio parents and neglected/abused.

      • myintx

        It’s better to have a child raised by strangers than to be killed before it’s born too.

      • A-nony-mous

        Being adopted does not guarantee a child will be loved and wanted, or even have a “better” life than they [presumably] would have with the biological parents, just a different life.

        Also, 50% of adoptions are ‘disrupted’ (break down) after finalization, ie: adoptive parents decide after the fact that the adoption is “not working out” or they don’t actually want the child and the child is abandoned to social services. So even adoption doesn’t mean forever.

      • CMP414

        Not sure. That’s a tough one and I hope I never have to make that decision. But I also see it this way too, raising a baby isn’t cheap and I would have to take resources away from my one child to raise the child of my other kid. I have seen that happen too many times (I’m a social worker) and that’s a hard position to be in too. I guess there are no really great choices when it comes to this.

    • C.J.

      Fourteen is too young to have sex but fourteen year olds have been having sex centuries. I have already talked to my eleven year old about birth control. I plan to keep that dialogue going as she gets older. If she or my younger one still comes home pregnant dispite my best effort I would do everything I can to support her. I don’t personally believe in abortion but I would support my daughter if she wanted one. I would also support her if she decides to keep the baby. I would help her finish school and get settled. Either way it would be their choice, I would not force her to do what I wanted or guilt her about her decision. I also don’t expect my children are always going to have the same views that I do. They are not me and entitled to develop their own views. The only thing that I would insist on is that if she wants my help supporting and raising a child she would have to finish school. If my daughter wanted to choose adoption I would ask her if she would let me adopt the baby. I’m not against adoption I just wouldn’t want to see the baby go.

    • Ashlea Phenicie

      I’m prochoice and provoice. From what I’ve heard and read, most people do not regret their abortions unless they feel like they were pressured into it. I would definitely point out the benefits of abortion, but if you’re concerned about your daughter’s mental health, you really need to let her make her own decision. Even at 14, it has to be her decision.

    • Jamie

      I am a firm believer that a woman has the option to choose what to do with her body. I am the mother of a teenage daughter and I pray daily that we do not have to face this kind of situation. That being said, I opened the lines of communication with her early so she has information to make an informed decision. While I do not want to help raise another child at this point in my life, I would never tell her she has to have an abortion. If she made the decision to do this, I would support her and make sure she is armed with as much knowledge as possible to make an informed decision. We all have to deal with what happens, but she is the one that has to live with the choices she makes. There is just as much emotional baggage with an abortion as there would be with an adoption or even raising the child. Its a double edged sword.

    • Laura Adams

      Adoption and abortion can both be damaging..What you “would advocate for” is all pointless. Why is this even being discussed as a story, it is all hypothetical and a waste of energy. Is this all for attention? I love the Jesus with the popcorn pic but honestly why even bring this stuff up?
      IF I was in a burning building and could only save one thing would it be my 1 year old or my 99 year old mother? HHMM lets see where this goes…
      POINTLESS and only done for attention! STOP IT

      • whiteroses

        The thing is- this isn’t a hypothetical. It happens all the time. And some of us will experience it firsthand.

      • L C A

        Unless you are IN the situation then you really don’t know what you will do. Talking about things in the IF and Maybe form for no other reason then to sit back and watch is wrong in my opinion.

      • CMJ

        I look at it this way – talking about it in the hypothetical actually helps inform my parenting decisions and how I would hope to talk to my children about sex and relationships.

        If it actually happened, I could never truly know how I would react but I do believe it’s important to think about.

      • L C A

        Maybe I’m old fashion but I just don’t think talking about it with a bunch of strangers is the way to go. Maybe certain groups but not FB? I duno it just upset me… Everyone giving opinions on hypothetical situation when there is so much more out there. For instance go volunteer as a pregnancy counselor or girls home. Actually DO something.

      • Psych Student

        This is a certain group. It’s a group of people who identify as people who are interested in discussing teen pregnancy. It is my opportunity to discuss this issues with parents/non-parents, people from different backgrounds/educations/jobs. It allows me to step outside of my own beliefs and see counter arguments that I hadn’t thought of. This isn’t Facebook. It’s a site related to parent concerns. And I’m not sure that volunteering as a pregnancy counselor is necessarily going to help me think about how best to support my (future) child should she get pregnant.

      • L C A

        They way the original story is written (and shows up on my FB feed since I follow mommyish) is written not to explore and discuss the topic of teen pregnancy. The story is meant to state what someone thinks they might do. I’m saying that I do not agree with how it is written purely for the sake of starting a heated topic and letting it run.

      • Psych Student

        I’m sorry then, I do not follow Mommyish on FB and it did not occur to me that that was the case. It does seem though like this isn’t the first or the last time that someone has stated an opinion and then others responded to it on this site.

      • L C A

        Wise ass!
        I’m just mad that everyone thinks they are an expert on everything because they can post or blog or run a site..people blindly follow others and it seems that those with the loudest voices win regardless of accuracy or safety. Would you believe that this is my very 1st time commenting in a forum like this?!
        Some of the choice statements in the post just really pissed me off.

      • Psych Student

        I think it’s reasonable that it’s frustrating when people present themselves as experts when they aren’t (especially when they don’t have experience). I can relate (and I am totally a wise ass, you’re super right!). Just because you read about it in a book doesn’t make you and expert. It is also super annoying when the loudest voices trump all else. It also drowns out the quiet, often very logical, voices. See – religious people. The loud ones are crazy and often mean (for atheists also) and pushy and hurtful. And they are the minority, but that can be hard to remember. The quiet voices are often nice, and reasonable, and have very good points to add, but they get lots.
        I do hope we haven’t scared you away from commenting again in the future.

      • Psych Student

        And if it did happen, you’d have worked out some of your thoughts and concerns, checked out your values and morals. You may have an easier time coming to a conclusion quicker (since I’m not going to suggest that one can talk about it enough to eliminate an emotional reaction). You will have some ideas of what might work and why you think that and your thoughts can be update over time.

      • myintx

        I think it’s being used to try to fool people into thinking that abortion is OK. To try to make you feel sorry for the 14 year old girl and make an exception so that she can kill her unborn child.. then, if you make an exception for her, why not the poor 24 year old woman who got pregnant and has no money. They’re just trying to make people pro-abortion, that’s all. Abortion kills a human being – no matter who the mother is. It’s wrong. Sure, some of the circumstances of the mothers are horrible, but it doesn’t take away the fact that a human being is being killed via an abortion.

      • L C A

        I never said where I stood on the abortion debate. I am just stating this discussion is pointless and will help no one.

      • Psych Student

        What would you prefer we do?

      • L C A

        Keep it to yourself. I did not appreciate, enjoy or find anything useful from reading this story. It was ridiculous and hurtful. I would prefer non fiction vs the hypothetical scenario.

      • Psych Student

        While I understand that you wouldn’t necessarily have known it was a hypothetical scenario without reading some of it, but if it was bothersome, you didn’t have to read the comments (if you did, which you may not have). And just because it wasn’t helpful for you doesn’t mean it wasn’t helpful for others. I do genuinely think it is unfortunate that you found it distressing and I hope you are able to avoid hypothetical scenarios in the future.

      • Mirable

        yeah well, you’d force a 9 year old rape victim to give birth – even if it permanently disables her

      • myintx

        If the woman’s life is truly endangered from the pregnancy, an abortion can be done to save her life. Otherwise, you’d have 2 dead human beings not just one.
        Abortion kills a human being. Doesn’t disable it, it KILLS it. You support killing of unborn children – even if they can feel pain.
        Unborn children conceived from rape are REAL HUMAN BEINGS. They should not be killed:
        http://www.valuesvoternews.com/2009/02/child-born-of-rape-victim-thanks-mom.html

      • Mirable

        You support torturing little girls with rape pregnancy because you value zygotes more.

      • myintx

        No, I value all innocent human beings equally. They all have a right to life. They shouldn’t be killed for senseless reasons.
        Besides, it doesn’t matter what just one person thinks. A MAJORITY of people want abortion generally illegal after 12 weeks. That means a majority of people disagree with Roe V Wade. Time to overturn Roe V Wade.

      • Mirable

        You are a child rape apologist.

      • myintx

        Rape is disgusting. So is killing an unborn child.

      • Psych Student

        Don’t worry. It’s not leading me to being pro-abortion. I already am! :) And I think that every woman – from 9 – 99 should have access to free and safe abortions. And what you call a “human being” I call a fascinating glob of cells (it’s actually really fun to watch them divide). I will also admit that I could have kept my opinions to myself but I’m apparently in the mood to be a pain in the ass tonight.

      • myintx

        Take a look at an ultrasound of an unborn child at 18 or 20 weeks – does that look like a ‘glob of cells’ to you? It’s no more a ‘glob of cells’ than you are. Pro-aborts only attempt to dehumanize an unborn child to justify the selfish and barbaric act of killing unborn children.
        Abortion is NEVER safe for the unborn child. It’s always deadly.
        You’re a student. You have a lot to learn.

      • Psych Student

        I am a student who has done quiet a bit of research (took a human development class in school which is where I saw the formation of a chicken embryo) and I have formed the opinion that it’s not a child until it can survive on it’s own outside the womb. It’s an opinion. It’s not based in research. I know it’s deadly for the parasite and I’m ok with that. I also approve of killing animals for food and cutting down trees for lumber. I would prefer that my animals be humanly raised and humanly slaughtered and want every part of them used for something and I want my lumber to come from a tree farm. And I want things killed for a purpose. Killing a fetus serves the purpose of terminating a pregnancy and I am ok with that.

      • myintx

        Killing a man serves the purpose of terminating that mans life – do you SEE how idiotic your last sentence sounds! Killing an unborn child, just as killing a newborn denies that HUMAN BEING the possibility of a full and productive lifetime. If you cannot kill a newborn, or an unborn child after viability, you should not be able to kill that same human being before viability either.

      • NotTakenNotAvailable

        “Kill…before viability.” “Viability” implies that a being is alive or capable of being alive. Saying “before viability” then translates to “pre-alive,” or “not alive (yet).” So how can you kill something that isn’t alive?

      • myintx

        viability means the ability to survive outside the womb. Doesn’t mean that something isn’t alive. An unborn child is alive. It has it’s own heartbeat at about 5-6 weeks. It is a human being. It should not be killed.

      • Mirable

        It looks like a meal.

      • myintx

        Thanks for confirming that pro-aborts are sick

      • Mirable

        Only a dumbass would take it seriously. Then again, you think that 9 yo girls are l
        Should suffer for a microscopic zygote.

      • myintx

        Zygote, embryo, fetus, newborn, toddler, child, teenager, adult, elderly person – all stages of a human beings LIFE. Sad that you support the killing of innocent unborn children and would deny them a chance at a happy life.
        I support LIFE. If a womans life is truly endangered from a pregnancy, an abortion can be done. You on the otherhand support killing for senseless and selfish reasons.
        You support an unborn child being killed at 23 weeks. Even when it could survive outside the womb. Sick,

      • NotTakenNotAvailable

        If you truly support life, let me ask you…do you ever take antibiotics? Because those kill bacteria. Bacteria are just as alive as a human fetus, even if they’re putting their host’s body and life at stake (sound familiar? Because it should).

        Now where I think this debate really needs to get going is where *humanity* begins. In Judaism, as, thankfully, in the law, a person is not considered as such until the first breath is drawn. If you wish to contend that point based on your own personal opinion or that of your parents or religious leaders, that’s fine. I have no issue with that. If you want to make it a blanket policy in the United States that humanity–personhood–begins at the moment of conception, then our moral and religious beliefs contradict in such a way that I’m petitioning the ACLU to go to court on behalf of myself and other women (and men) like me who see onlyt fully formed, breathing babies as humans.

      • myintx

        OH please! Please tell me you know the difference between bacteria and a human being. IF bacteria are just as alive as an unborn child they are just as alive as YOU – is that justification for killing you? Bacteria will NEVER grow arms, legs, fingers, toes, have its own heartbeat and cause a woman to go into labor in 9 months. An unborn child will. PLEASE educate yourself before you make a fool of yourself again.
        SCIENCE, not religion sees unborn children as human beings. And, it doesn’t take religion to know that killing an unborn human being is wrong. Take a look at an ultrasound of an unborn child at 23 weeks. It’s no different than a newborn premature baby at 23 weeks. It’s the exact same human being. Only selfish people would support killing that human being.
        You do know that abortion is restricted after viability in most states in this country right? You mad about that? Do you think a woman should be able to kill her own unborn child at 35 weeks for any lame reason she wants to? An unborn child that can feel pain as it’s limbs are being ripped off?

      • NotTakenNotAvailable

        Why yes, I do know the difference between bacteria and an actual living, breathing human being (not a fetus, in other words, since that point seems to be lost here). And there are some zygotes/embryos/fetuses that will also never grow arms, legs, fingers, etc.–ever heard of miscarriages, or is that too much for your single firing neuron to handle? Everything on this earth also started out as single-celled organisms billions of years ago, so one could make the technical argument that they are, in fact, capable of developing limbs. But I really am doing a disservice comparing the two; bacteria, at least, are beneficial to the body in the right quantities.

        And yes, I do think a woman should be entitled to have an abortion at any time she wants, and if she’s taking that step at 35 weeks, it is not a lame reason. It never is a lame reason, but considering the only reason I’ve heard of for a woman to get an abortion that late in the game is because her life is at serious risk or the fetus has a defect that will result in it having a short, painful life span if it does draw a breath to begin with. However, in my opinion, getting an abortion at that time just because the woman realized she simply doesn’t want to be a mother is just as valid. Read all the reports of abused and neglected children in the news, and it’s easy to see that parenting is not for everyone, and I personally find it more morally reprehensible to give a child up to the state and risk it suffering abuse and mental trauma in the overburdened foster care system than to have it safely removed.

        Also, sweetie, I wouldn’t start talking about science education when you’re in desperate need of some. The whole “fetal pain” notion is based on pure abstraction rather than provable, testable, repeatable results–the foundation of science.

        It’s obvious that you and I are never going to see eye to eye on this issue. And I honestly don’t care if you’d never have an abortion yourself, though I sincerely hope for the sake of any daughters you have that they have a trusted family friend or relative they can go to should they find themselves in trouble with no desire to carry to term. But it pisses me off when people call me sick on baseless grounds simply because I have the temerity to assert my position on an issue, a position backed by my cultural background and, more importantly, the U.S. legal code.

      • myintx

        Use your brain – an unborn child IS a human being. You didn’t magically turn into a human being the second you came down the birth canal. You were a human being in your mother’s womb. An unborn child at 23 weeks is just as much a human being as a newborn preemie at 23 weeks, yet YOU support killing one of them. take a look at an ultrasound of an unborn child at 23 weeks – can you say loud and proud “I support killing that”?
        No one should be entitled to kill an innocent human being.
        There are lame and avoidable reasons used for killing. “Not the right time for a child” and “cannot afford a child” are 2 of the lame reasons women often use to kill their unborn children. Those are great reasons to have used multiple forms of contraception or abstaining and great reasons to visit an adoption agency to see about giving the baby up for adoption when it’s born, but horrible reasons to kill. Regarding adoption, most newborns put up for adoption are adopted. Most adoptions work out. ALL abortions end in the death of a human being like you once were.
        And, yes, sometimes women kill for those same lame reasons after viability. A killer of unborn children in New Mexico admitted it. You have your head buried in the sand if you think abortions later in the pregnancy are only for health of the mother.
        Not all laws are good laws and not all laws are right. Slavery was legal at one time in this country. “Separate but equal” was backed up by a Supreme Court ruling. Both were wrong. Both denied rights to slaves and then black people. Abortion denies a basic and fundamental right to life to a human being. Roe V Wade was the wrong decision. It was a bad decision. It should be overturned.

      • Mirable

        Human beings have a mind. Feti do not have a mind. Feti are mindless bodies composed of human tissue – nothing more.

      • myintx

        An unborn child at 23 weeks is the same as a newborn preemie born at 23 weeks… Yet one doesn’t have a mind and the other one does? Yet one is a human being and the other one isn’t?
        Your claim is bogus. You were in your mother’s womb once. Exactly where you were supposed to be – growing and developing. You were a human being then….

      • Mirable

        Neither are sentient.

      • myintx

        So, are you saying you support Dr Gosnell kiling a newborn born at 23 weeks because it’s mother doesn’t want it anyway?
        Sentience is not a determination of being a human being.
        If your mother were in a coma and not sentient, would she be inferior to you and worthy of being killed? NO. If the doctor said she would be sentient in a matter of days or weeks would you want her to die or would you be patient and wait for her to come around?

      • Mirable

        People in a coma are sentient. They have the capacity for sentience, they just aren’t using it.

        A brainless embryo doesn’t have the capacity for sentience because it’s brain is barely developed.

      • myintx

        So, you only support abortion on embryos? Once they have a more developed brain and can move around as well as someone in a coma (e.g. sucking their thumb at 12 weeks) you shouldn’t kill them?
        Was Terry Schiavo sentient? If her doctor said she would be ‘normal’ in 9 months would people have advocated for her to die?

      • Mirable

        still not capable of sentience at 12 weeks

        sucking thumb = reflexive movement

      • myintx

        Was Terry Schiavo sentient? If her doctor had said she would be ‘normal’ in less than 9 months would people have advocated for her to die?

      • Mirable

        No, she was not sentient because her brain was literally goo. The only thing keeping her alive was her brainstem.

        And IF she was going to be normal in 9 months, that would mean she had NEVER LOST HER CAPACITY FOR SENTIENCE, SHE JUST WAS NOT CURRENTLY USING IT – whereas a prenate HAS NEVER BEEN CAPABLE OF SENTIENCE AND MIGHT NOT EVER BE CAPABLE OF IT

      • myintx

        Oh… so you keep changing the definition of what you deem acceptable to kill… first it’s being sentient.. then capacity for sentience… whatever suits your need to justify the killing.
        A person in a vegetative state may or may not be sentient. They may or may not come out of that state. An unborn child may die in the womb. If it doesn’t, there is a very good chance it will be sentient one day. Better odds than someone in a vegetative state being sentient again. Yet you support killing an unborn child… Has nothing to do with sentience…. you’re just using that argument to cover your selfishness.
        When does a human being become sentient? on the trip down the birth canal, lol.. You never did answer the question if Gosnell should have been able to kill a baby born alive at 23 weeks.. Sounds like you said it wasn’t sentient so it would have been OK… wanna answer the question?

      • Mirable

        sentience and capacity for sentience are the same thing dumbass

      • myintx

        not really… but look at you…. trying to avoid answering the questions… When does a human being become sentient – on the trip down the birth canal? or some other time? And, should Gosnell have been able to kill a baby born alive at 23 weeks? You said it wasn’t sentient and, that’s your criteria to kill. Sounds like you’re a Gosnell supporter.

      • Mirable

        Around 28 weeks.

      • myintx

        So, you think Gosnell should have been able to kill babies born alive at 23 weeks?
        How about 29 weeks, should abortion be banned except if the woman’s life is truly endangered?

      • Mirable

        How about 18 years. I mean, that’s what gets you all hot under the collar right – feverishly dreaming about how all pro choices are Nazis.

      • myintx

        Awww…sounds like someone was disappointed in the Gosnell verdict.

      • Mirable

        Yes. Pro choices love it when women die from unsafe abortion. You are so so wise myintx. It must hurt

      • myintx

        Deflection…

        So, you think Gosnell should have been able to kill babies born alive at 23 weeks?

      • Mirable

        Gosnell should have been able to abort 18 year olds. Cuz pro choicers are Nazis. Clearly.

      • myintx

        Thanks for the admission.

      • Mirable

        Yeah. You should be proud. Your superior debating skills have proven that pro choices are all Hitler. Pat yourself on the back. Its what you’ve wanted all along right? That sense of moral superiority that motivates you to spend years arguing on the internet, trying to get pro choices to admit that they are all evil Nazis bent on free sex and genocide of all of humanity?

        Don’t you feel special? You’re a hero. A saint.

      • myintx

        I’d rather be a hero or a saint than support the senseless killing of unborn children.
        Do you support Gosnell or not? You upset that he is in jail?

      • Mirable

        You would only allow abortions in the case where the LIFE of the mother is at stake. Well, all I have to say is, read this, and fuck you:

        “”"”"”"I am a 57-year-old Christian conservative grandmother who lives in NY State and has until recently been solidly a pro-life supporter. A few months ago my daughter and son-in-law became pregnant with their second child. At 24 weeks, a sonogram showed that the baby has no chance of survival. He is afflicted with a genetic disease of the kidneys. His kidneys are covered with cysts and no longer function. His lungs cannot develop. Due to a lack of fluid around him in the womb, he is becoming severely deformed with the condition known as Potter’s Syndrome.
        The doctors at the hospital agreed that my grandchild has 0% chance of survival. My daughter and her husband were told that they could either carry the child full-term, or they could have labor induced and deliver the baby then. They were both devastated by the fact that this child will not survive, but since the outcome will be the same however long they carry on the pregnancy, they decided to have labor induced and the child delivered. The procedure needed first to be approved by the hospital’s ethics committee, and after several days their approval was given and plans were being finalized to go ahead. Unfortunately, for some reason, lawyers became involved at this point. They made the decision that, according to NY State law, labor could not be induced because the mother’s life is not at risk. This medical procedure, which was being done for the good of both mother and child, had suddenly become an “abortion” under NY State law, and could not be done.
        Since then, my daughter has suffered more than any person should be forced to. She is at 31 weeks and in pain much of the time. With no fluid around the baby, he rests against the walls of the uterus and on very sensitive nerve endings. He is very active and the pain is at times severe. Little can be done for this. Taking strong pain-killers is not an option. My daughter refuses to spend her pregnancy in a drug-induced fog and unable to function as a mother. She is now also having contractions every day for at least an hour or two — more pain which might well have been avoided. Add to this the grief, not only of my daughter and her husband in carrying full-term a child they have had to make burial plans for, but the grief and confusion of their 3-year-old daughter.
        The baby, who has already been named Sam, is no doubt in considerable discomfort as well. He is crowded into a small area with no fluid around him. He has developed club feet and deformed hands. His face is shoved up against his body and becoming misshapen. His obvious discomfort is as painful to his parents as their own. He is loved beyond words by all of us. His being forced to suffer like this is inhumane at best. In my opinion, it is exceedingly cruel. His mom and dad talk to him, read to him, play music for him – anything to ease his distress at least a little.
        As I stated at the start of this letter, I have always been pro-life. Watching my kids and grandkids suffer due to a “pro-life” law has changed that. Induced labor in a case such as this should be a medical decision, not a legal one. A law written with the assumption that ANYONE getting an abortion in the third trimester is doing it for the heck of it, is ridiculous. I am totally against abortion in the case of women doing it because the baby is a “mistake” or “inconvenience”. But the laws need to be changed to differentiate between those cases and those of a pregnancy where the baby has absolutely NO chance of survival.
        I would ask if you can see the need for a change in this law, and what you will consider doing to prevent other women and families from going through this nightmare. Until the pro-life movement shows some common sense concerning situations such as this, I can no longer be a supporter.
        Sincerely,
        Karen”"”"

      • myintx

        OH – major DEFLECTION!
        Do you support what Gosnell did? Answer the question!
        P.S. Karen has said she does not want ‘abortion on demand’, so, she’s not on your side. AND, doctor’s evaluations of pregnancies have been wrong before and the babies have outlived expectations.

      • Mirable

        You are a sociopath.

      • myintx

        Nope. I care about human beings. You don’t. You think they can be discarded in the trash like medical waste.

      • Mirable

        No you don’t. The proof is that you would prefer to see the woman in the above story SUFFER rather than abort a fetus that is going to die.

        You’re a sociopath.

        Good bye.

      • myintx

        Doctors have been wrong before in evaluating pregnancies.
        Again, you’re doing some major deflection to try to distance yourself from admitting you support Gosnell.

      • myintx

        Pro-aborts love that 1 million unborn children die every year in this country. They love hearing about them being dismembered.

      • blh

        I’m pro choice but sorry if a newborn baby had a mind then a fetus at 35 weeks has a mind. Coming out of the vag doesn’t change anything about them. Late term abortions are disgusting. NOTHING in life is black and white and you should really stop talking because you’re not doing anything to make the pro choice monvement seem any better. You’re making us all seem like monsters.

      • Mirable

        Funny how you immediately start talking about viable feti that can survive outside the womb without significant medical intervention. A 35 week fetus is capable of sentience. However, pre-viability, when the majority of abortions occur, the fetus/embryo is utterly incapable of sentience because the cerebral cortex is not yet developed.

        How about you stop concern trolling for a second and use your brain. You are doing just what most anti choices do – immediately jumping to hyperbole and accusing pro choices of being psycho killers who want to kill actual babies.

        BTW, I have known myintx for over a year, and her entire strategy is to resort to the hyperbole that I just outlined above. If you ate truly pro choice, then I would suggest that you do not join her in hyperbolic stupidity.

      • Mirable

        And late term abortions are for medical emergency – what woman is going to wait until 35 weeks to have an abortion. If you are pro choice, I’m the tooth fairy.

      • CMJ

        This happens all the time. It can happen to any parent with children. No one is immune.

      • L C A

        I give up THATS not my point! That’s NOT what I am saying…jeez people read what I said and think before commenting.
        I am saddened that this opinion is not posted to help someone but in fact just there to start people arguing over a topic that doesn’t need any help. I’m about moving forward and helping people who ARE actually in need of help, not the what if’s

      • CMJ

        I did read your comment and I did think before I replied. I simply disagree that it’s not helpful to talk about these things. I actually think it IS important and helpful. Teenage pregnancy exists. Ignoring it doesn’t do any any good. And hey, maybe this hypothetical situation IS helping someone…..

      • L C A

        Who is this helping I wonder?

      • Psych Student

        Helped me and gives me something fun to discuss with my wife! :) (Ok, I need to apologize since now I’m just being obstinate).

      • L C A

        Well that about sums it up, you find it fun discussing abortion and teen pregnancy.

      • Psych Student

        It has to do with sex, so yes, yes I do. I am studying to become a sex therapist/sex educator since I *really* like talking about sex, pregnancy and abortion. I’m not the norm and I get that but yeah, I love talking about sex and all related topics. (I’m ok with being identified as “weird” or a “freak” if you’d like).

      • L C A

        I can completely relate! I also enjoy healthy debates and brain picking on these topics…I am a family major going on to get my MSW and hopefully I’ll counsel in my late years…I happen to love being called weird or a freak! But reread this article and use high amounts of empathy.. picture yourself as a 36 yr old parent of 3 wonderful girls and you yourself the product of a 14 yr old birthmother.

      • Psych Student

        *high five* for therapy fields! :) This is one of those things that I realize I struggle with. I find it very difficult to step outside of my sex and abortion positive attitudes (I’m leaning towards sex education since I’m so not going to make a very good therapist) to understand what it might be like to try to change the pattern I’ve established in my family. If I were the product of a 14 year old, I feel like I’d want to make sure my kids didn’t have the same experience because I’m guess that my life and the life of my mom was much harder than it would have been had she been 10 years older.

      • SA

        It is good to talk about the harder aspects of parenting. Maybe one of us will have a pregnant 14 year old daughter at some point and remember the different points of view discussed here when we begin talking to her.

      • L C A

        My hope is that real people in real situations who share their stories and journeys will help a parent in difficult times. Not strangers offerings opinions on a hypothetical situation.

      • C.J.

        My husband and I have discussed what we would do if one of our daughters came home pregnant at great length. Just because we try to educate our children doesn’t mean they will listen. I absolutely think talking about these things is good. With spouses and other people. Hearing opinions that are different is a great learning tool.

      • Psych Student

        My wife and I talk now about who’d we choose when we have kids. We like to hope that if we talk and plan for the negative now, then we might not ever have to implement it. We know what the plan is if I’m pregnant and it’s me or the baby. We even have a vague idea what happens if it’s one of us or our 15 year old. And you can bet your life savings that if it’s between my mother or my wife, it’s my wife in a heartbeat without a second thought! All hypothetical, but if we think about when we’re feeling calm (ok so thinking about picking between our (future) 15 year old or saving her, it gets emotional (I still don’t have a real answer)), then we’ll be able to deal with it better in the moment of crisis.

    • Anon

      I got pregnant at 16. I told my mom (after attempts to cope on my own weren’t working too well), and asked her not to tell my dad. We drove straight home and told him. He yelled at me, told me I didn’t have to sleep with every guy (there had been a controversy with a bitter ex- posting details of my fooling around with his friend online — I hadn’t slept with either of them), and that of course I was going to have an abortion.

      That had been my choice long before I had sex, that had been my choice long before I told my parents of this, but I was still not pleased with his dictate.

      I recently told my mom that it took me a long time to get over my dad saying those things to me, and she said that she had definitely had words with him after it was all over. I don’t know if my sister ever knew something happened, and none of us have ever told her, but I do remember things being a bit rough around the house for some time.

      I have never once regretted my decision, and I still firmly believe that it was my decision. Should my daughter ever find herself in that situation, I have no doubt there will be tears and upset and other issues, but I will support her in her decision (and probably privately hope that it is for an abortion, but I would never force that on her).

    • MerlePerle

      If my 14 year came home pregnant I would most definitely advocate for an abortion, but she would need to make the decision for herself.
      Both my kids were oops-babies so I know I’ll be terrified of this option as soon as I’ll suspect she might be sexually active….I just hope we’ll never have to have that discussionand when she tells me I’ll be a grandma it will be a moment of pure joy!

    • APEAAA

      I came home 16 and pregnant, my mom dragged me by the hair all the way to the abortion clinic since I was dead set on keeping it with my crack head boyfriend who abused me and wanted a kid because he thought it would save his life.

      Best thing she has ever done for me. I was angry at first but now 14 years later, I am so thankful she did.

      • http://wtfihaveakid.blogspot.ca/ jendra_berri

        Normally I’m in favour of reproductive rights; I normally would say you’d have had the right to keep the baby. But your mom made the hard choice and saved you all a world of heartache. Sometimes in extenuating circumstances where bad judgment is reigning, parents need to step in and make these sorts of choices.

    • Ennis Demeter

      I have told my daughter that I will buy Plan B for her or any of her friends, no questions asked, no parents told.

      • whiteroses

        To be honest- if my daughter was taking Plan B and I didn’t know about it, I’d be pissed. It’s not anyone else’s right to give medication to a minor without their parent’s consent. I wouldn’t give a kid Tylenol without their parent’s consent. I can’t imagine giving them Plan B.

      • Ennis Demeter

        That’s why I wouldn’t tell the other parent.

        Edited to ask: would you be troubled by someone giving your daughter an Advil if she had headache? Because Plan B is as safe as an OTC painkiller. If what troubles you is the sexual activity part of it- well, that’s why children don’t go to their parents, and that’s why pharmacies are total dicks to girls who need to buy it.

      • whiteroses

        And if I ever found out about it, I’d probably try to bring legal proceedings against someone. If you gave my 14 year old Plan B and didn’t bother to tell me? Yeah, I’d be pissed. And I’d argue that I would have the right to be.

        I wouldn’t judge my child. But unless she’s 18, she’s still my child, she’s not a legal adult, and at the very least I’d expect to be notified.

      • apee

        I would buy anyone of my kids friends plan B no questions asked either.

      • whiteroses

        At the very least, I would argue that I’d need to know that my young teenager was taking a pregnancy prevention drug. Because if she’s having sex at the age of 14, then she and I would need to have a talk.

        Would any of you want someone to buy your daughter Plan B and not tell her parent?

      • Alove12222

        Yes. If she felt more comfortable going to someone else then coming to me, I would want her to go wherever she is comfortable to prevent pregnancy. Here you can get an abortion without parental consent after 14. So, Plan B is a lot better then abortion without my consent.

      • Ennis Demeter

        There is it, though- the conflict between a parent wanting to control a minor child’s body and sexuality and the control the child (teenager, of course)’s control over his or her body. Teenagers don’t usually ask their parents for permission or help when they decided to have sex. There is a strong ethical argument to be made for me to report a sexually active teenage girl to her parents. There is also an ethical argument to be made that minors (again, teenagers) have a right to health care and privacy. Indeed, it is legal to provide teenagers with contraceptive counseling and services without their parents’ consent in about half the states, and legal to treat them for STDs without their parents consent in all of the states. I think it is in society’s and women and girls’ best interest to do so. It’s not always about what parents want, something parents of teenagers have to get accustomed to fast.
        Here’s an article on consent and contraception for minors in the state:

        http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/tgr/03/4/gr030404.html

      • rrlo

        Hmm – maybe I was taking you too literally. I would not want you or any other parent to give my child a Plan B like drug (using the Tylenol example).

        However, if my child came to you for help and you took them to a clinic or a doctor – that would be fine and I would be very grateful.

      • whiteroses

        If a girl is going to have sex, she needs to get contraceptives. Obviously. But that’s not what we’re talking about here. If a kid has loving parents, it’s not empowering to them to help them keep a secret from those parents.

        Ask me how I know.

      • Larkin

        But you’re assuming all kids have loving parents who would accept the situation and not judge them. That’s just not the case for a whole lot of kids out there. That’s the problem, here. Generally, if a kid is going to someone other than their parents for help… it means they don’t WANT to go to their parents for some reason. Often that’s because their parents would not respond favorably. If you’re the type of parent who would go buy your kid Plan B yourself, this whole argument is probably moot.

      • Psych Student

        Just because a parent would go buy their child Plan B doesn’t necessarily mean the kid knows that or is comfortable asking (which means the parent needs to make some adjustments if it’s their lack of communication or help the kid through some therapy if the kid is too anxious/something else to ask).

      • C.J.

        Kids aren’t always going to tell their parents everything even if they have the most supportive open parents. This is why I am trying to give my girls as much knowledge as possible. I would rather they come talk to me but if they don’t want to they will know how to take care of themselves. My oldest is 11 and she already knows about birth control and STI’s.

      • Psych Student

        I am hoping to do the same thing when I have kids. Growing up we didn’t ever talk about sex. My mom briefly mentioned it and gave me some pamphlets. It was super not helpful and taught me that we didn’t talk about sex in my family and that was the end of it (and I was hardcore anxious so there was no way I would have tested the theory)! My wife and I hope to do things very differently (I’m a little concerned that we’ll swing too far in the other direction). I love that your 11 year old knows about birth control and STI’s!

      • C.J.

        Every time my mother asked her mother a question about my grandmother told her she had to go peel potatoes. Since my mother was an inquisitive child they always had a lot of peeled potatoes. My mother had no information about anything and didn’t want to raise her children that way. She was always very open about sex with us so I am just following what she did. I give my kids age appropriate information that I think they need then let them lead where the conversation goes. My 11 year old is very inquisitive like my mother so sometimes the conversations get interesting to say the least. My 8 year old is not one to ask a lot of questions so I have to be more concious of making sure she knows what she needs to know. She is the one I worry about more because she is quiet.

      • Psych Student

        I am so happy to hear that you don’t equate questions with potato peeling. Potato peeling is for not sharing, duh! I’m guessing that the 8 year old will hear a lot of the things you say even if she (?) would rather not. I have heard that sometimes you have to talk at kids and trust that they will absorb things and that by being open and honest with her (I really hope I’m picking the right pronoun), she’ll know she can come to you. It must be both exciting and terrifying to have an 11 year olds questions lead you into some very *interesting* territory. :)

      • C.J.

        You are using the correct pronoun and yes she does learn a lot from the questions her sister asks and she gets talked at a lot. I worry about her a lot because she doesn’t talk unless you pull it out of her, about anything. She lost a friend to a car accident last year and trying to get her to talk about it was awful. She ended up writing a story about the little girl for a speech writing contest. She actually won the contest and she hates public speaking. She is finally starting to accept it a little bit since she wrote the story. When the 11 year old was 9 she asked my mother if her and grandpa still have sex. We never know what she is going to ask!!

      • Mandy Swanda

        I would. To this day, the thing I am most grateful for is that my High School boyfriend’s Mom dropped us off at the planned parenthood to get Birth Control the second she found out we were sexually active. I stayed on birth control for the next 10 years, until my husband and I decided to have children. I think about all the ways my life would have been different had she not done that. If for whatever reason, my daughter could not talk to me, if I failed her in the way my parents failed me, I would thank Christ someone stepped up to give her the tools to have control over her own body.

      • jane

        In my mind, there is a big difference between being dropped off at Planned Parenthood (where, presumably in addition to prescribing birth control there’s some element of educating happening) and a parent giving Plan B.

      • Angela

        Honestly, given the fact that the teen could go into a drug store and buy the drug herself I don’t see it as all that different. In fact I’d argue that an adult who cares enough to do this would probably likely offer some education as well.

        Personally I would gladly buy plan B for any teen that was too nervous or lacked the money to do it herself but I wouldn’t just hand it over without a word either. I wouldn’t lecture or shame but I would ask whether the sex was coerced or not fully consensual (often is the case with plan B) and I would strongly encourage her to allow me to drive her to PP for follow-up and so that she could get contraceptives.

      • lady_black

        Yes. This is an emergency that requires prioritizing goals. 1) Making emergency contraception available without delay. Once that’s done, 2) providing an opportunity for education and the implementation of a regular form of contraception.

      • Psych Student

        My wife told me that my MIL paid for at least one abortion for a brother’s girlfriend in high school. No idea if girls parents knew and I’m certain that the boys got endless lectures on condom usage (she’s awesome to talk about sex with). Now both brothers are happy, healthy, and doing well with no unplanned children. It worked well.

      • Psych Student

        I would rather my (hypothetical) daughter Plan B and not tell me that not get Plan B at all. I also want my (hypothetical) child to have a regular therapist just so she/he can have someone to talk to who isn’t one of her/his moms who won’t ever spill secrets. I am hoping to set that up and establish that unless the child is a risk to self or others (which is the established time to tell anyway) then we don’t need to know. I would rather my child have secrets and be healthy.

      • Angela

        In the household I grew up in telling my parents would have been extremely unsafe. I don’t think they would have harmed me physically but they would have gone to extreme methods to control me, including having me admitted to a mental hospital (Yes, that was a threat that was actually made for if I was ever caught skipping school, let alone having sex. My mom found out that as a minor she could have me held for up to 48 hours for observation without cause). Fortunately I was never in this situation but if I was I think I literally would have chosen suicide over telling my parents.

      • lady_black

        And thus the reason for making Plan B available over the counter. I’m so sorry you had to go through that.

      • Ennis Demeter

        Well , she can buy it herself when she’s 17. And unless you would bring legal action against someone for giving your son a condom or giving any teenager Tylenol, you are a huge hypocrite.

      • whiteroses

        If she’s 14 and having sex irresponsibly, then at the very least would I need to know? Yeah. She may not have any grip on what that means. I know several 14 year olds who believe that if you take Plan B once, you can’t get pregnant.

        Giving a 17 year old- who has in theory taken a few health classes- a condom is a completely different thing.

      • Ennis Demeter

        She can get a prescription without you before she’s 17.

        Also, Plan B One Step is available without restriction over the counter.

      • lady_black

        I agree, you *should* know. I *should* be taller, thinner, and more beautiful. At the point where a woman needs Plan B, time is definitely “of the essence.” And the sooner, the better. We can talk about your relationship with your child later. A lot of kids are uncomfortable coming to a parent about sexual matters. I wasn’t one of those teens, because sex was openly discussed in the home where I grew up, as the normal, natural thing that it is. Just MHO, if you have always had an open dialogue, your kid will come to you. If you have always made it clear that they CAN come to you, they will come to you. If you haven’t, well, that’s a failing as a parent. I assume your child can read. Plan B clearly won’t prevent pregnancy forever, and the product itself states the facts.

      • whiteroses

        He can’t read. He can’t even form complete sentences. For me, all this is hypothetical. My son will never need Plan B.

        As I said in a previous comment- I was in this situation. It blew up in pretty much everyone’s face. I COULD have talked to my parents about it. I CHOSE not to. Being a teenager, I didn’t make the best choices. And it’s naïve to expect that if you provide contraception to a 14 year old without their parent knowing- and then the other parent found out- that it wouldn’t blow up in your face in some way.

        I don’t know if another child takes medication. What about allergic reactions? That’s not a responsibility I’d want. Ymmv.

      • lady_black

        Really?? Doctors do it every day, and they are not obligated to inform you. You have a small child. Eventually, you’ll have a big child, and hopefully in between you have made them secure enough to know they can come to you no matter what.

      • whiteroses

        Yeah. I’m aware doctors do it. Inasmuch as I am not a doctor- I still wouldn’t take a kid to buy OTC medication. It’s not my right nor my responsibility. If she can buy it herself, that’s one thing. But I wouldn’t take someone else’s child to buy medication of any kind because I wouldn’t want to have that liability hanging over my head.

      • Psych Student

        Some parents would suggest that they *need* to know their child is gay in order to send them to conversion therapy to “fix” them. I realize that in this case, you are (presumably) a good, responsible, caring parent who want’s what is best for you child. But if the child of a friend of mine comes to me and says “I’m afraid of what might happen if I tell my parent/guardian that I need Plan B and I’ve only got 1 more day before it’s no longer effective”, I don’t know the details and I know that this needs to happen quickly. If I don’t know the parent, I don’t have a clue what their response might be and don’t want to get a child mental or physically abused or mistreated due to my opening my big mouth and the parents doing “what they think is right”.

      • rrlo

        It isn’t hypocrisy. It is not appropriate to medicate someone else’s children.

      • Ennis Demeter

        Teenagers can get prescription for birth control without their parents’ consent in most states. They can have their STDs treated without parental consent in all states. They can buy Plan B themselves. I am only offering to do it to avoid embarassment or mistreatment at the pharmacy. It is not illegal.

      • rrlo

        To me it is a whole different issue if the teenager went through a doctor or a nurse. If my child asked another parent to buy her medication, I would expect the other parent to refer her to a doctor or nurse etc.

        Especially with something like Plan B – there should definitely be some medical precautions taken – like checking blood pressure, asking the person about health issues and medication they are already taking. The person should also be informed of any side effects (like headaches etc.) and be informed that it isn’t the same as birth control.

        So it’s great that you want to spare someone the embarrassment but the responsible thing would be to take them to a doctor or a nurse or send them to a clinic where they can receive some proper information. That’s what I would expect another parent to do.

      • Ennis Demeter

        Sorry, you’re wrong. Plan B is as safe as any other over the counter medication. No one needs to have their blood pressure checked for Plan B. Cold medicine is more dangerous than Plan B. You are perfectly demonstrating the irrationality surrounding this topic. If you wouldn’t bat an eye at your kid taking an aspirin without getting her blood pressure checked, then the medical implicatinos of Planned B shouldn’t bother you. The sexual aspect is another matter, but the horse already left the barn in this scenario and the girl needs help.

      • rrlo

        That was the case when I was a teenager. I haven’t kept up with Plan B progress since then. So you’re probably right in terms of side effects – it was pretty nasty about 15 years ago. And when I got mine, the nurse absolutely took my blood pressure and handed me a flyer for when to call emergency. I was going by that.

        I am not being irrational – I just haven’t kept up with the latest news on emergency contraception. I have no stigma or weird feelings around this medication. Please don’t jump to conclusion.

        I still don’t think it is appropriate for people to medicate other people’s children. Be it aspirin or Plan B. Whether my child has a headache or had unprotected sex – I would expect a concerned adult to refer them to a medical professional – rather than buy them drugs.

      • lady_black

        Time is of the essence. I have never taken Plan B (there was no such thing back in the 80s) but I took the hormonal equivalent which would be 5 birth control pills each dose, taken 12 hours apart. I had no side effects, and most girls will have no side effects, and some will get nauseated and/or vomit. Pregnancy also has that effect and worse. Ideally Plan B should be taken in the first 24 hours after the accident, and no later than 72 hours. The sooner the better. I would much like to agree with you, but that’s a tight window to advise seeing a medical professional. That’s why it’s available OTC. And it’s safe. VERY safe.

      • lady_black

        Since Plan B is a synthetic progesterone (a normal substance in the female body after puberty that prepares the lining of the uterus in a non-pregnant woman, and maintains the lining in a pregnant person) taking a B/P is unnecessary. Plan B essentially fools the body into thinking it’s pregnant for a few days, suppressing ovulation. Hardly a major malfunction worthy of a lawsuit. It’s medically safer than Tylenol,

      • Psych Student

        I’d be worried about the time frame. Because Plan B isn’t something that can wait a week, I would prefer my (hypothetical) child get Plan B, then get a doctor’s appointment to talk through how to prevent the need for it again.

      • whiteroses

        And then you’d be inserting yourself into a situation that is really none of your business. Jmho.

      • lady_black

        She didn’t say “medicate.” She said she would BUY it for them. And so would I.

      • rrlo

        This is a very hypothetical discussion. But no matter how I think about I don’t feel comfortable with the idea of someone buying medication for my child.

        Even if it’s to prevent pregnancy. I keep saying it – I would much prefer the other parent to take my child to a clinic/doctor/pharmacist whatever.

        I am trying hard to put myself in the context. And if a 12 year old came over to my house for a sleepover and she ran a fever – I cannot imagine just giving her a Tylenol without talking to the parent. So I cannot imagine taking someone only 2-3 years older to the drug store and buying them Plan B knowing fully well that their parents don’t know.

        I can respect her privacy and the best I could do is help her find someone else who can help her as immediately as possible.

      • Psych Student

        For me, the difference is the time frame. Because Plan B is something that needs to be given quickly, and I would want to support the desire to use it, I wouldn’t want to wait to get parental permission or make someone wait until Monday (if it’s a Friday night) or sit at a clinic for 5 hours over the weekend in order to get it handed to them by a doctor. I would though, encourage the person to go see a doctor after the fact in order to talk birth control.

      • Ddaisy

        Exactly. And not just the time frame, but the consequences. If a kid doesn’t get a Tylenol, oh well, she has a headache. If she doesn’t get Plan B, then holy crap, she (maybe) has a baby!

        Also the element of shame. It’s easy to call up another kid’s parent and say, “Hey is it ok if she has a Tylenol?” Unless the parents are reeeeally crazy, that will cause zero problems for the kid. Calling them up to say, “Hey, your kid needs Plan B” could have devastating consequences for the kid.

      • rrlo

        This is a very hypothetical discussion. I really don’t know what I would do confronted with a real life scenario.
        And if it was life or death – weekend / five hour wait – what have you type situation, then I don’t know what I would do. And if it came down do I feel stronger about other parents buying my child medication or unwanted pregnancy – then I have to say preventing unwanted pregnancy is more important.
        However, in EVERY other circumstance except for like URGENT, immediate – we will miss the window of opportunity forever type scenario (which I am fairly convinced is unrealistic – at least in my life) – I would want another parent to take my child to a medical professional or a clinic rather than buying them medication.

      • Psych Student

        I think that makes sense. Admittedly, I am a 29 year old grad student who is married with no children. While many of my facebook “friends” have children or are popping out babies more frequently now-a-days, I don’t have any close friends with kids. I don’t know what it’s like to be a parent or have parent friends so what I “would do” is based on my current beliefs and morals which may be a bit too lax. I think of a 14 year old and don’t think of them as someone who may still cling to their parents when they have a bad dream. And I tend to forget that an 18 year old and a 14 year old may be *much* more than 4 years apart in emotional development. In my “plans” for my “child” (all the quotes are to note that none of things are concrete) I may well have failed to consider what it’s like to be a parent and how it might feel to be left out of the loop with what is happening to my child. I can only think through the eyes of a kid who was anxious and depressed and felt like I couldn’t discuss much of anything with my parents. It turns out that I probably could have, but I didn’t know that.

      • lady_black

        Well, first of all, not all states recognize the ability of minors to make reproductive decisions. In those that do, you certainly have the option of taking them to an appointment, PROVIDED they could get one right away. To wait is unacceptable because time is of the essence with Plan B. Preferably within the first 24 hours, and no later than 72 hours after the unprotected sex, or contraception failure. The more time elapsed, the less effective. If the state doesn’t allow privacy to minors in reproductive decisions, they aren’t going to recognize a person other than the parents. In the matter of a child with a fever, OF COURSE you don’t just give them a Tylenol. You send them home, because whatever they have might be contagious. While you’re on the phone with the parent telling them to come get their sick child, you can certainly ask if it’s OK to give a Tylenol. Plan B isn’t a medication used to treat an illness. It’s meant to prevent pregnancy, and is time sensitive. I see nothing wrong with minors accessing Plan B no matter WHO pays for it. It’s in the best interest of the minor not to get pregnant, and that’s where the focus needs to be, not on the minor’s parents. A friend’s mother can always do that, and then counsel the girl on why it’s in her best interest to talk to their parents (if indeed it is). Not all parents will react in the positive way that they should, and to those types I would never say a word.

      • lady_black

        She can buy it herself if she’s NOT 17. The age requirements were removed.

      • CMP414

        I would also take legal action for that. I would not even give another person’s child Tylenol without permission because you never know. if a child is sick or in trouble and I am aware of it I’m contacting the caregiver.

      • Ennis Demeter

        You can sue Rite Aid, then. Your teenager can walk into a pharmacy and buy Tylenol. Are your children very young? Sometimes it’s hard to imagine how independent they will be in just a few years.

      • CMP414

        My child is young but I still stand by not providing unauthorized OTC medication to another’s child. I’m not arguing that teens can get OTC medication legally from stores. I am saying that I will not be that provider. I am the mother to my child not someone else’s. I am also not a trained medical professional. If someone’s child gets medication elsewhere then it is not my business. Suppose I gave any medicine to someone’s child and they had an allergic reaction. I certainly would not want that responsibility. And if someone’s child becomes ill in my care I am contacting their parent asap.

      • whiteroses

        This. This is all I’ve been saying.

      • lady_black

        That is not an actionable offense. Your kid can go buy Plan B at any pharmacy. They don’t need your consent. Me? I’d be eternally grateful that my daughter got Plan B instead of got pregnant.

      • whiteroses

        Ok. If someone gave my daughter Plan B and (theoretically, of course, since I have a son and not a daughter) I’m not even aware of the fact that she’s having sex? I’d have a problem with that. If you don’t have to deal with the consequences (raising a baby, for example) don’t insert yourself into the situation.

        If I knew she was having sex, then I could get her Plan B myself. Another parent doesn’t have that right.

      • lady_black

        This isn’t ABOUT *you.*

      • whiteroses

        Nor is it about another parent’s right to get my child medication that I’m not aware of. If she wants to get it herself, that’s fine. But if I knew someone else was getting it for them and not telling me, I’d have issues with that. It’s not about control. It’s about a lack of respect- parent to parent.

      • lady_black

        No, I think it’s about control. Listen, I would absolutely urge a teenager to talk to their parent. But if your kid won’t talk to you, there’s a reason for that. It’s not my place to “out” them. And after buying the Plan B, I would urge the teen to visit her doctor, or Planned Parenthood and obtain routine contraception. Plan B is an emergency measure.

      • whiteroses

        Do me a favor- let’s continue this conversation in the same calm and respectful vein it started in, and please don’t assume you know what I’m thinking.

        I was in a similar situation as a teenager. I didn’t want to talk to my parents because I was afraid of disappointing them, not because they abused me but because I wanted them to be proud of me. They were strict- and I knew that they’d be upset. It didn’t end well. IF I had a daughter (which, again, I don’t) I would want to avoid that. It hurt my mother partially because her friend went behind her back.

      • lady_black

        Now see, that’s exactly what I’m talking about. If you raise your child to believe you will be disappointed in them, that’s YOUR fault. It’s possible to be both strict and accepting of your child as a fallible human being. You have to raise children who don’t fear disappointing you over making a mistake. My belief is that children should be told early and often that you’ll be their best friend when no one else will. That and normal guidance and openness about sexual matters will go a long way in ensuring that your child comes to YOU first.

      • whiteroses

        My parents did tell me that. You’re assuming that your child will tell you everything because you tell them that they can. I didn’t. I COULD have spoken to them about it. I could have told my mother anything. I have always known that, I knew it then, and I know it now.

        I chose not to tell her because I simply didn’t want to. You know how they found out? I had a bad reaction and ended up in the ER. THAT- not fun.

      • lady_black

        Why did you “choose not to?” And be honest.

      • whiteroses

        That’s not something I’m going to talk about on a public message board. My reasons are my own- and none of anyone else’s business. Suffice it to say my parents and I have always been close, I didn’t make great decisions as a teenager, I am much older and wiser now, and I don’t owe anyone an explanation.

      • lady_black

        You already said, you wanted them to be proud of you. Obviously you thought they wouldn’t be proud of you.

      • whiteroses

        Again- nobody’s business. As you said before, this is not about me.

      • lady_black

        No it’s not about you. You brought yourself into the discussion. You don’t get to then say “it’s not about me.” It’s not enough to *tell* a child you’ll always be there for them. You have to then LIVE that idea. My own daughter came and told me she had been terminated from her job for stealing lottery tickets when she was 17. I said I couldn’t believe she was that stupid. It might have momentarily hurt her feelings, but it needed to be said, and honestly, she probably expected me to say it. I’m sure she thought the same thing. I never raised my voice. I didn’t yell and scream. And then we set about trying to make sure her needs were dealt with (legally speaking.) Now that’s TRUST. I made it a teaching moment, and not about myself and my disappointment in her (although that would be an understatement.) To the best of my knowledge, she never repeated the behavior.

      • Psych Student

        Admittedly, there may be extenuating circumstances. It wasn’t until my 5th year of college that my parents told me blatantly that unless it was drugs or jail there was nothing I could do to make them love me less. That was the first time I had heard it put in that way and honestly, even if I had heard it earlier, I may not have absorbed it. I suffered from extreme anxiety and depression and was forever terrified of disappointing my parents. Not because they gave me the impression that I could disappoint them, but because I was bat-shit crazy. Not enough reassurance in the world.

      • AugustW

        Same here. I could have told my mom when I lost my virginity, she encouraged me to, but my 15 year old brain thought she would make me break up with my bf so I didn’t.
        We are assuming these teens are going to make logical decisions.

      • Larkin

        See, I had a similar situation and I feel the opposite. My then-boyfriend’s uncle bought us Plan B when I was in high school. My mother is very much the “sex before marriage makes Jesus cry” type, and would have lost her shit if I’d asked her to buy me Plan B. She might have even refused to do it, because she’s anti-abortion and doesn’t fully believe that Plan B isn’t an abortifacient.

        I am so eternally grateful to my ex-boyfriend’s uncle for helping us in our time of need.

      • Katie

        I agree with you 100%!

      • mblackm2

        And any kind of hormonal treatment can have implications. Plus, we focus so much on prevention of pregnancy, that we sometimes forget getting pregnant isn’t the WORST thing than can happen with unprotected sex, boy or girl. It may have lifelong consequences, but probably not like having HIV or Herpes, or getting gonorrhea or syphilis unaware and having it cause health problems later in life.

      • Psych Student

        What if your child doesn’t feel comfortable talking to you about sex? I was raised in a home where we just didn’t talk about stuff like that. I am now studying to be a sex therapist and can talk about sex with anyone at any time (and am not bothered by the thought that my parents have sex (or at least I hope they do, they have the house all to themselves)) and I *still* won’t bring up sex with my parents because I was trained not too and anxious enough to absorb it. We’re getting better about stuff, but we’re not to the point that I would need to be to ever tell them I needed Plan B and I’m 29 and married!

      • lady_black

        Frankly, that’s a matter of parental failure. You owe it to your kids to make then comfortable talking about it. Just because YOU were raised that way doesn’t mean you must make the same mistake with your kids.

      • Psych Student

        Oh I agree on both accounts! To be fair, I may have been so anxious that there may not have been enough conversations in the world to make me comfortable as a child (I have a hard time faulting my parents – it’s something I’m working on in therapy). My wife and I hope to do a great deal of talking about sex with our kids all the time and I’m a bit worried we might be a bit *too* sex positive. I’m not sure what the end result will be, but if we make a mistake it will be that our kids will cover their ears and go “eww, Mom, we don’t want to know thhhhhaaaaat!” Hehehe.

      • lady_black

        It’s really impossible to be “too positive” when talking to kids about sex. And when young, they may indeed think it’s “gross.” (I remember not being able to understand why ANYONE would ever want to do THAT! LOL.) And that’s common and normal. They will eventually understand, and by then the seed is planted of sex as a matter of fact subject. Then you’ll get questions that may or may not make you uncomfortable. Fake your way through the discomfort and do what’s best for the teen. Tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

      • Psych Student

        Reading this was actually *really* reassuring! Thank you. I’m not sure why this helped so much, but I want to let you know that it did. You rock!

      • mblackm2

        That won’t always fly…I practically begged my daughter to go to the clinic if she didn’t want to discuss anything with me..and she most decidedly didn’t. She was rebellious and wasn’t going to do anything I suggested and wouldn’t talk to me. I pointed out that if she didn’t want me to know details, they wouldn’t share them with me. I tried taking her in, she screamed and said she wouldn’t go because she wasn’t doing anything. Sometimes, no matter what you try to do, kids are going to go their own way, and damn the consequences. One thing about it..after she had her daughter, she never missed a depo shot again.

      • Katia

        The kid will eventually tell her parent…

      • lady_black

        You know she can buy it herself, right?

      • shel

        What if it were your child’s doctor that gave them the Plan B and didn’t tell you about it? Minors are protected by patient/doctor privacy laws even at age 14 when it comes to contraception, STDs etc.
        We can and will treat your child for STDs, contraception etc. without your consent.

      • whiteroses

        All of this is beyond my scope- inasmuch as I have a son, not a daughter. All I’m saying- all I’ve been saying- is that I wouldn’t want a parent to give my child ANY medication without informing me. And if she’s having sex and I’m not aware of it, that’s something I’d want to know. If you don’t have to deal with the consequences (raising a baby, for example) then you at least owe it to the other parent to give them a heads up.

      • Ddaisy

        I think it really depends on the parent. Maybe you’re a great parent who would be very supportive of your kid. Lots of parents aren’t. For lots of kids out there, it would be the absolute end of the world if their parents found out they were having sex. Those kids still need an adult they can turn to.

        I’m 24 years old, and I’m still terrified of what would happen if my parents ever found out I’m not a virgin.

      • C.J.

        I think if I was ever faced with having one of my daughter’s friends asking me to buy her an emergency contraceptive I would probably take her to the local teen health centre. We are lucky enough to have a teen health centre that not only gives out free contraceptives but also provides education about different birth control methods and councils teens about everything they need to know about sex. It is all done confidentially and in a supportive way.

      • Kelly

        I would do the same. I support each individual’s right to make their own decision about reproduction.

    • http://raisingharrison.blogspot.com Heather Evers

      I could not agree with this post more! There is nothing moral about forcing a CHILD to have a child.

      • Ennis Demeter

        Agreed. And as long as the family is dealing with an unplanned pregnancy, they can deal with reversible long term birth control. IUDs can be used for teenagers, and pregnancy is basically opt-in after that.

      • Angela

        Agreed, but I also have known teens who were forced to have an abortion which is no less moral IMO.

    • http://wtfihaveakid.blogspot.ca/ jendra_berri

      I think I would walk my daughter through the costs of having a baby, we’d go through stores and plot out the monthly costs and I’d have her view a video of some births. I’d see if I could get her one of those practice baby dolls that wake you up all night.
      I’d want her to choose abortion and stark reality would push that direction. But if after all that she wanted to keep the baby, then I would get on board and do what I could.

    • Angela

      A neighbor of mine got pregnant at 14, gave birth at 15. Her mom and a lot of people really pressured her to get an abortion. The child is now 13. She eventually married the baby’s father and went on to have 2 more kids with him. They are both excellent parents.

      I know that this isn’t the norm and I certainly wouldn’t believe a 14 year old to expect that she could count on things working out that way. BUT I do know it’s possible for a 14 year old to be a good mother and I very, very strongly believe that the choice should be hers. I would hope to support her whether she chose abortion, adoption, or parenting. If she chose to parent the child of course I’d be terrified but I would also do everything in my power to help her succeed. I would let her live with me and help her with childcare while she finishes school. I would be there for her. Period.

      • NYBondLady

        Having a baby when you’re a teenager is hard. But it’s not the end of the world and there are a lot of people out there who were born of teenage moms and turned out fine- Oprah Winfrey, Justin Bieber (debatable?), heck, even Obama. Other famous people who were adopted include Steve Jobs. Unwanted? only by their own parents, I guess.

      • jane

        Having a baby is hard. I think that teenagers can be more resilient than we expect from them sometimes.

      • Ddaisy

        I can only imagine if I’d got pregnant at 14 (no idea how; I didn’t even get my first kiss till 20 in real life), I could’ve lived with having a baby. It would’ve been hard; I would’ve had to make sacrifices; I probably would’ve screwed some things up. But I could have done it. I could not have lived with it if I’d had an abortion.

        Which is not to say that’s true for everyone, and I’d never judge someone else for making a different decision. I just know that for me, having an abortion would have destroyed me way more than having a baby would have. That’s why I absolutely believe in personal choice.

    • Mandy

      Uh, forcing/manipulating young girls into having abortions is JUST AS bad as forcing/manipulating young girls into not having abortions This cannot be stressed enough. Giving information about all options and the joys and stresses/heartaches of parenthood and being supportive is the only right answer here @_@.

      • Mikster

        True, but where’s that 14 year old going to raise that baby? Not in MY house.

    • Stephanie Guy

      Just my two cents, having an abortion is an easy way out. Having the option of adoption is more of a preference than abortion. There are too many couples that are not able to have children. My daughter is 7, knows what adoption is, but does not know about abortion. I would prefer her to know that alternative than abortion. But again it would be her decision. She knows the positive about adoptions!

      • http://www.benwhoski.com/ Benwhoski

        I’d argue that abortion is not as “easy” as people seem to make it out to be. It is a medical procedure that carries risks and recovery time like any other procedure.

        Also, I think we’re overlooking that a 14-year-old having an abortion is not necessarily a matter of convenience. Childbirth can be dangerous, and there is an increased risk of pregnancy-related health problems when the mother is a teenager.

      • Psych Student

        I would argue that while there are a *great* many people who cannot have children, there are also a *great* many children in foster care who may be high dysfunction or older than 1 or 2 and may never be adopted and will get punted out of the system with minimal assistance the moment they turn 18. Whether they are better off in the foster care system or to have been aborted is debatable.

      • A-nony-mous

        I dislike the idea that it’s pregnant teenagers (or any woman’s) job to basically be a brood mare just because there are infertile people who want a womb-wet infant to adopt.

    • tk88

      I don’t think I’ve heard anyone else say any truer or better things about abortion than these two statements. “Anti-choicers constantly make blanket statements about the “moral
      outrage” they feel at the death of a fetus – yet provide no real
      solutions to what to do with live babies who have no support.” and “Abortion is simply better for society as a whole than unleashing a bunch
      of unloved, unwanted and uncared for beings into the world.” Finally someone that realizes “life” isn’t just being existing in the world. Plenty of people exist, but rarely or even never get the chance to truly LIVE. Don’t force people to suffer because you think aborting them before they even have a fully formed body or nervous system is “immoral.”

    • G.S.

      You know what I want to see happen, kind of as a medium and the fact that it would be kind of friggin’ awesome from a scientific standpoint? I want to see someone figure out how to transfer fetuses from uterus to uterus (either a surrogate mother or an artificial one). I mean, think about it. The woman wouldn’t be pregnant anymore, but the fetus could still develop fully and go to a loving home. And even for wanted pregnancies, it’s like, “Oh, you’re pregnant but your body is unable to carry to term? FETUS TRANSFER!”

      Seriously, someone get on this. And if any of those “give anything and everything to save the fetuses!” right-wingers dismiss it for being “to costly,” punch them in the throat for being a hypocrite.

    • Gretta

      I think I would hug her, love her, and then be excited for my grandbaby who happened to come earlier than I would have liked. I would try to make it work for both my baby and her baby. :-)
      But prior to this, I would have had many an honest discussion about sex, love, reproduction, etc in hopes that my grandbabies come when everyone is ready for them.

      • blh

        You’re fucking idiot. Straight up. A little girl being pregnant is NOT a cause for celebration.

      • Kelly

        It’s also not a cause to force an unwanted abortion on another human being. You’re a monster. Straight up.

    • talonsage

      We can talk about her choices on the way to the clinic.

    • NotTakenNotAvailable

      “Adoption is an option,” sniff the anti-choicers. Yeah, tell that to the 400,000+ children in the U.S. foster care system who are extraordinarily likely to wind up incarcerated, homeless, and/or with severe mental issues due to adoption never being an option for them.

      If you ask me, the greater moral outrage is subjecting a human being to that kind of treatment, not aborting it before it even becomes alive (according to my culture–in Judaism, life begins with the first breath. Also I’m actually an atheist).

      • myintx

        So, if a woman doesn’t realize she is pregnant until she is in labor and then doesn’t want the baby can she kill it when it’s born? What about Gosnell – was he right to kill babies born alive after botched abortions? After all, the woman didn’t want those babies…
        Most babies put up for adoption as newborns DO get adopted. Most adoptions work out. ALL abortions end in death.

    • http://www.bestkiamaaccommodation.com.au/ Carl Joe Wright

      God never wanted people to be like that… Abortion is not an option. Teaching the biblical concept and God’s principle is a must to avoid this kind of pregnancy. That is why hotels must be strict in accepting minors from admitting the hotels.

      • Mikster

        Whose god? And with all due respect, the only uterus you have any power over is YOUR own.

      • NotTakenNotAvailable

        I don’t even know where you trying to go in your last sentence…a hotel? One of the by-the-hour kind, where the hookers simply hang out in the lobby?

        But you’re right. For me, abortion is not an option. It’s simply the course of action if I ever find myself pregnant.

        And you might be interested to know that I’ve lived a relatively nun-like existence for over a year, even though I’m an atheist. Thankfully, I live in a country that has freedom of religion enshrined in its Constitution, so I don’t have to deal with the “biblical [sic] concept and God’s principle” as a moral compass, nor must anyone. Within the boundaries of the law, we are free to practice and teach our children about sexual practices as we see fit.

    • Jillian

      I agree with the article author. I know I am biased as an adamantly pro choicer but I just don’t see to many situations where a 14 year old child having a kid is great idea. Not that I would ever force any daughter of mine to automatically have an abortion because obviously pro choice means giving options and respecting those options.But lets put it this way I would show her all her options while perhaps, uh, really emphasizing the abortion or adoption side of the coin. Sorry I am a hypocrite in this situation I can’ t help it. Its so easy to say “but she’s 14 and feels she can do it so let her try!” Hahaha! If your 14 year old gets pregnant and wants to keep the child guess who pays all the bills?(because she is to young to work and take care of a child): Nanny and Grampy! Guess who is now free babysitting 24/7 when she is overwhelmed (which is bound to happen when your a new mom much less when your still a child yourself)? Nanny and Grampy! Guess who has to work full time and be responsible for not only your kid but your grandkid now too? Nanny and Grampy again! Teen pregnancy affects everyone in the family involved because a teenage child (besides extremely strong circumstances) does not have the financial or emotional maturity means to be solely responsible for a needy newborn.

      • Mikster

        Exactly!

    • QA’sMom

      I work in the health insurance industry and there are states that do not allow any health privacy for anyone under the age of 18 if their parents health insurance is used. These states also have high rates of drug addiction and teen pregancy and low rates of income and education. All factors closely related to domestic violence and child abuse. In my previous career, I was a social worker and have seen over and over what so called parents do to their children and teens over the smallest issues. I too would assist a young pregnant teen in any way and not tell their parent(s) if I could not gently convince them to talk to their parents before. I would also highly encourage doctors appointments, birth control, grief counseling and help them find other resources to pay for it outside of their parents insurance if necessary. But first things first. And if my daughter was in the same situation and didn’t come to me for help, I would consider myself a complete and utter failure as a parent and hopefully have enough sense to just be happy she reached out for help in a really bad situation.

    • Surfaces

      “You know what kills me about the religious right? They think God controls everything, made everything and knows everything – except for the things they don’t like. What if God created abortions to give all the sinners (that he ultimately forgives, right?) a way out. What if God is literally screaming from the heavens – Hey morons! I gave you medical procedures to take care of this! Women have the ability to get pregnant every month! Do you really think it was my intention that they have all of those babies? What do you think I am, an idiot?
      My favourite thing I’ve read ever. This is EXACTLY how I want to put it when this gets brought up. Thank you for putting it into words!

      • myintx

        What if God gave us guns so we could kill our children if they misbehave?
        ‘medical procedures’… lol… say it like it is ‘I gave you the ability to kill your unborn children.. I gave you the ability to kill your born children… ‘ If there is a God, You really think he would say that?
        It doesn’t take religion to know that killing an unborn child is wrong (ex: http://www.secularprolife.org). Take a look at a 4D ultrasound of an unborn child at 18 or 20 weeks. Should only take common sense to know that killing an unborn child is wrong.

    • Courtney Lynn

      I wouldn’t make the decision for my 14 year old. And I don’t advocate any parent doing that. Aside from me not being a big fan of abortion (I believe it should be a last resort but that’s not relevant right now anyway), don’t the teen mother’s feelings and thoughts on the situation matter, too? I think so. I hope and pray this never happens, but if it does, I plan to discuss all options with my kid and we will make the best decision for all involved. I’m not just going to haul her off to the clinic or insist on adoption, especially as an adoptee, myself. Yes, adoption is a selfless act, blah blah blah but it can really SUCK not knowing about your own fucking gene pool!

      My advice would be to have a real discussion about it. Talk about what it would be like raising a baby. Discuss how school and child care would work out. I just can’t imagine not taking HER feelings and thoughts into account.

      • ElleJai

        Yep, that’d be my exact response too.

      • Courtney Lynn

        I just feel that making the mistake of having sex so young (which I did, I just didn’t get pregnant) is earth-shattering in itself. Why make it worse by forcing your child to have an abortion, something that I imagine can be traumatizing to a woman who chooses it. It’s never a light-hearted decision, I know that.

    • Guest

      I would STRONGLY encourage her to abort the baby for so many reasons, one of which does anyone believe that this 14 year old will be looking after this baby. No way! It will fall upon the grandparent(s). BTW – I am “religious” but am still pro-choice. I know that isn’t entirely how you meant it, but it still came across not so great.

    • Mikster

      I agree. I would strongly, strongly advise it. But I couldn’t force it on her anymore than I could force continued gestation on any woman.

    • A-nony-mous

      I would let it be her decision. Yes, if she kept the baby it would mean I would likely be supporting both mother and [grand]baby financially but I’m perfectly fine with that because I know it’s not nearly forever. By the time the baby is only 2 or 3 the mother would be 16 or 17 and much more able to contribute. I doubt she’s going to be lingering around with me still paying for everything when the ‘baby’ is 15 or 16 itself. I would far far far far farx10000 raise the baby ourselves than ever put it up for adoption. I would be so sad if she wanted to do that.

    • Katherine Handcock

      I love a suggestion I read in Debra Haffner’s Beyond the Big Talk: if a teen daughter says she’s pregnant (or a teen son says his girlfriend is pregnant), start by sitting down and saying, “What are you thinking about doing?” Once you know what they’re thinking, then you find out what’s actually possible – for example, I think in some states a girl can’t give a child up for adoption without the approval of the biological dad. I don’t think it’s a parent’s place to totally dictate what happens – although, of course, they should have some say.
      I would also want to make sure that she at least considered adoption as a possibility. I know so many people who would desperately love to adopt a child, and the waiting lists are so long. while I would never tell my daughter it was wrong to abort a pregnancy, I would want her to know that there are so many would-be parents aching for a child. I think perceptions of adoption – especially among kids and teens – are coloured by movies/TV, where you see awful orphanages, etc, and I’d want her to know that most adoptive children do not live like that.

    • Kelly

      I’m disgusted that so many “prochoice” women on mommyish actually think being prochoice means you can force abortions on people. That’s fucking disgusting and it certainly isn’t prochoice. I used to think there was no such thing as proabortion but the comments on this article have proven me wrong.

    • mblackm2

      Been there with the 14 yo pg daughter…and where I lived, my daughter could not have been forced to get an abortion against her will, even as a minor. She signed all her own consents when she had a C section. Apparently in some instances, getting pregnant means you’re considered a legal adult. Not all instances, but some. I wouldn’t have been comfortable if she’d made the decision to get an abortion, because I had a good job and could support her. It just didn’t feel right, though I would’ve tried to be supportive of whatever decision she made. It was a tough time in our lives and very emotionally draining. I cried for three days almost nonstop when I found out she was pregnant. She’d never even had a date.
      She was under a juvenile officer’s management at the time for some other trouble she’d gotten into, and that lady was an amazing emotional and practical support to us. Clued us in to all kinds of resources that were available. Say what you like about Pro-life movements, in our area they were very active with help, supplies, fostering pregnant teens if necessary, parenting and child care classes, etc. It’s too bad more areas don’t have all the available things that we did.
      I will admit that when I spend time with my grandgirl, now 11, I have no regrets. The idea that she may have never been born is such a bleak one that I just can’t let myself think of it. In a few years when she’s a teen, we all may think otherwise… LOL… but she’s been a joy and blessing since the day she drew breath.