• Mon, Mar 3 - 9:00 am ET

Dumb Teen Has Sex With Tasty Snacks Because Teens Are Hungry For Microwave Food, Fame, And Sex

shutterstock_127426685In breaking news of “kids these days” and “bad social media bad” and “why did I ever have boys?”, some idiotic teen uses social media for all the wrong reasons to gain pointless Internet fame.

This ingenious or awful kid pulled an American Pie rip-off and posted a Vine video of himself sexing brown-sugar cinnamon Pop Tarts.

Ugh, boys will be boys and all that stuff, but I don’t ever want to think of my sons doing terrible things to their favorite junk foods and then posting it for all the world to see on social media. And of course—this young man also has the Twitter handle Thot Pocket @VERSACEPOPTARTS.

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Once Vine removed the clip of the teen’s nasty Pop Tart sexcapade, Thot Pocket tried to drum up some interest from his equally twisted Twitter followers. I know you’re waiting for the great Hot Pocket penetration, and I promise you that we are getting there.

This little jerk’s Internet fame spread like wildfire after he promised to “fuck a Hot Pocket” on Vine for the small price of 420 retweets. He also wanted all of his followers to know that the Hot Pocket would be heated beforehand. Commotion ensued, and his Twitter account was ultimately suspended.

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Now that he’s a famous Hot Pocket penetrator, this dumb teen has been all over the Internet. Here are a few excerpts from his intriguing interview:

I run a 100K page, @pizzaminati, that I started a few months ago because I got out of high school and I’m not going to school now or any shit, I’m just working full time. So I just started talking about pizza—just, like, all pizza tweets—and then all these large-ass accounts just stole my tweets, like my original writing. A couple months later I hit 100K and there were all these other pages about pizza that just take my tweets all day. So I kind of just took my personal [account] and fucked around a bit, and then all these kids were pissing me off so I just posted, like…I did much more crazy shit than just fuck a Hot Pocket and a Pop Tarts box.

I don’t know what to think of this, but I can’t overlook the fact that I’m a mom of boys. I’m no stick-up-the-ass mom, I promise you that. But I also kind of want to punch this kid in the face for gaining Internet fame through Hot Pocket sex. I’m positive that punching is not the best way to deal with an unruly teenager, so I’m open to suggestions.

(Image: Brent Hofacker/Shutterstock)

You can reach this post's author, Bethany Ramos, on twitter.
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  • candyvines

    I, too, used to get so bummed out when my mom forgot to buy the frosted PopTarts.

    • Bethany Ramos

      I bought my two-year-old pop tarts, and now I feel so conflicted!!

    • candyvines

      He’s probably too young to repay you for your generosity. But maybe check to see if he has an internet connection just in case.

    • EX

      I’m fairly certain they’re frosted with crack. Consider yourself forewarned.

  • Kay_Sue

    I mean, I love Pop Tarts and Hot Pockets too, but I have to be honest…I’ve never, ever thought about them in a sexual way. WTF? Yet ANOTHER thing to add to my sex talk someday…

    • keelhaulrose

      Maybe you need a penis to see the unique sexual nature of a quarter inch thin, flimsy breakfast pastry.
      Because most women would immediately think about trying to clean those crumbs out of their lady bits and think “nope”.

    • EX

      Weeeeell, if Bethany didn’t ruin them with the original post, they are definitely ruined for me now. Thanks Obama!

    • keelhaulrose

      Well I got to slut shame a toaster pastry before I was done with my morning coffee. That’s got to be a sign it’s going to be a good day. #sorrynotsorry

    • Bethany Ramos

      Hahahaha

    • Williwaw

      The raspberry Pop Tarts are especially trampy.

    • Kay_Sue

      Dammit. Is this the issue from whence all of my penis envy derives? My inability to effectively screw pastries without making a mess of myself????

    • darras

      You’d probably make less of a mess if your pastry wore a ‘condom’?

    • Tinyfaeri

      Now, size doesn’t matter, blah-blah-blah, but if they can actually have sex with a pop tart, I don’t know if I’d envy that. Now, giant breakfast burrito, maybe, but the spicy bits would be so irritating… I’m thinking about the mechanics of this way too much.

    • keelhaulrose

      That’s what the hot pockets are for. Nothing in one of those well be too spicy for your last bits.
      Bonus, if it’s too hot all you have to do is swish it a little so the molten but mixes with the ice center. Tailored for your preferred temperature.

    • Williwaw

      What happens if you encounter one of those heat-retaining slices of pepperoni? Many a time I’ve burned my tongue that way (shudder).

    • Kay_Sue

      I hate posts like that. I’m chasing it down the rabbit trail, before I go, wait, why the fuck am I devoting so much brain power to this? What does that say about me?

    • keelhaulrose

      Anyone who manages to fuck a pop tart and not make a giant, sticky, crumbly mess deserves a medal, followed by a quick trip to obscurity.

    • Tinyfaeri

      You can love your hot pockets, just don’t LOVE your hot pockets?

    • Kay_Sue

      This will most definitely make it into THE TALK.

      “Listen, son, sometimes, when the ham and cheese is just right, or you hit the pepperoni smell and it’s so good, you may have ‘feelings’. You may have thoughts. But, while it is always okay to love Hot Pockets, it is never okay to *make* love to your Hot Pockets. Never.”

    • Williwaw

      Unless you’re ready to make a long-term commitment to that Hot Pocket.

    • Kay_Sue

      And that Hot Pocket gives clear, enthusiastic consent.

  • EX

    Um. Frosted brown sugar cinnamon pop tarts were my jam during this pregnancy. Good thing I had this baby because I think you just ruined them for me for life.

    • keelhaulrose

      I just made some brown sugar cinnamon pop tarts for my breakfast. Now I’m looking at them, wondering if I want something different. Because, you know, when you have a pop tart you’re with everyone that pop tart has ever been with. Or something like that.

    • Bethany Ramos

      Lol!!

  • Valerie

    I just feel like those bits of pepperoni must be like burning hot embers once they hit his peen.

    • Bethany Ramos

      I hope so!! I am irrationally mad at this dumb kid haha.

    • Crusty Socks

      Hopefully he was using a condom like he learned in sex ed

    • Valerie

      Maybe he used the crisping sleeve that came with the Hot Pocket.

    • Williwaw

      All the other commuters on the train were staring at me after I laughed maniacally at your “crisping sleeve” comment. (“New Trojans variety: Crisping Sleeve”.)

  • ShanLea

    My tween just saw this headline over my shoulder, asked for a “free pass” (where I let him cuss or say something he would usually get in trouble for, as long as he asks first) and said, “Dafuq, mom? Can I turn off this puberty thing now?”

    • Jessie

      HAHAHA! I don’t normally root for bad language in kids, but that quip from your son was priceless!

    • ShanLea

      I don’t let him get away with it in casual conversation really, but from experience and my own recollections, middle school boys are made up of body odor and bad language. It makes him feel a lot better when he can say “mom, my best friend was being a douchebag today” instead of “mom, my best friend is sooo mean”

    • Shea

      Your kid is fantastic. A+ use of a free pass.

  • Jessie

    There is just so much what-the-fuckery going on in this post that I can’t even.
    I think I need a drink.

  • Justme

    Sooo…is that going to go on his resume?

  • Tinyfaeri

    So… if you can have sex with a hot pocket (without incurring 3rd degree burns), isn’t it a bit optimistic to try for a whole pop tarts box?

  • Kelly

    I’m surprised any teenage boy would brag about his penis fitting into a hot pocket. Although, it’s good that he’s accepted the size of his penis so good for him.

  • shel

    A hot pocket I can figure out, but how does one even do it with a poptart? They’re not exactly flexible…. or did he like cut a hole in it like a donut? Why am I even thinking about this?

    • EX

      I had the same questions. But I think it was actually a box of pop tarts? Not sure how that’s at all sexy but at least it makes a little more sense. And now I must seriously move on with my day and stop thinking about the mechanics of toaster pastry sex.

    • Véronique Houde

      correction: teenage toaster pastry sex… *shudder*

  • Véronique Houde

    Why didn’t he go for the toaster strudel?? At least it has a certain flexibility and give… I mean, I can totally believe that a penis can fit into a pillsbury creation, but a pop tart????

  • Véronique Houde

    Soon, an article will be coming out saying that there’s a New Scary Trend of teenagers having hot pocket orgies.

    • Crusty Socks

      she said “coming out” teehee

    • Williwaw

      Oh, no! Hot Pockets spread VD!

  • CMJ
    • Bethany Ramos

      You read my miiiiiind!

  • Crusty Socks

    New slogan:

    Hot Pockets: Not All Of It Is Cheese™

    • Valerie

      I just laughed so hard Diet Coke went down the wrong pipe and sent me into a coughing fit. You are truly sick, Crusty. But you get me every time.

  • Crusty Socks

    New slogan:

    Hot Pockets: It’s Nice, Warm and Moist Inside™

    • Bethany Ramos

      Ahhhh! Hahahaha

  • Liz

    Man, I just can’t even imagine walking in on my future children boning a hot pocket.

    http://replygif.net/i/221.gif

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