When I first became a mom, the Internet existed, but it wasn’t nearly as ubiquitous as it is now. Which means I answered most of my baby-related questions the old fashioned way: either at the library or at my doctor’s office. By the time numbers two and three rolled around I was set in my ways, so I never realized what kind of awful hell parenting forums can be.
My sister recently had her first baby, and I’ve noticed a few of the parenting groups and pages that she follows online showing up in my Facebook news feed lately. Being the masochist that I am, I always take a peek and let me tell you, its schadenfreude city up in there. Below are some of the moms you’ll encounter if you ever subject yourself to these pages. You’ve been warned.
7. The Google-fu Master
This mom has ALL the answers and she ain’t afraid to let you know. Even if you’re not asking, she’s telling and you better listen. That degree from Google U wasn’t free…oh wait.
6. The Know-It-All Mom
This mom is similar to the Google-fu mom, except that the Google-fu mom at least has sources, whereas the know-it-all thinks she’s the world’s most naturally perfect mother and we should all bow down to her glory and/or just give up on parenting and ship our kids to her. Actually, that doesn’t sound like a bad idea right about now…
5. The Breastfeeding Nazi
Every single parenting group, forum, website and social media page has at least one insufferable breastfeeding Nazi. I’m not talking about your run-of-the-mill, crunchy breast-feeder. No, this breastfeeding Nazi is way more insidious. She cannot be reasoned with and any and all conversations with her will dissolve unto pointless name calling and a heavy dose of ALL CAPS. Just avoid her at all costs and you’ll be fine.
4. The Donna Reed Mom
If you were to believe everything this mom posts, you’d think she was the world’s best wife and mother, but I’m dubious of anyone who never seems to have an off day. Much like the Google-fu mom, the Donna Reed always seems to have an answer for everything, even if you didn’t ask. She IS good for sharing recipes with, though. Favorite quote? “I love my life as a mommy and a wife!” GAG.
3. The Extreme Intactivist Mom
I’ll be honest, I’m definitely against circumcision for my son, except I don’t try to cram my opinions on the subject down other moms’ throats the way some intactivists do. Similar to the breastfeeding Nazi, the Intactivist mom is impossible to talk to, even if you agree with them.
2. The “Baby Talk” Mom
I don’t know about you, but I cringe when I see/hear a grown woman refer to herself as “mommy.” There is nothing wrong with being called mommy…by a kid. But I think it’s twee to the point of vomiting when an adult does it. The real-life version of this mom is even worse, because they say it in this cutey, falsetto voice that just drives me up the WALL. (End rant).
1. The Hilarious Mom
Aka all Mommyish readers and commenters. You guys rock.