7 Types Of Moms You Encounter On Facebook Parenting Pages

When I first became a mom, the Internet existed, but it wasn’t nearly as ubiquitous as it is now. Which means I answered most of my baby-related questions the old fashioned way: either at the library or at my doctor’s office. By the time numbers two and three rolled around I was set in my ways, so I never realized what kind of awful hell parenting forums can be.

My sister recently had her first baby, and I’ve noticed a few of the parenting groups and pages that she follows online showing up in my Facebook news feed lately. Being the masochist that I am, I always take a peek and let me tell you, its schadenfreude city up in there. Below are some of the moms you’ll encounter if you ever subject yourself to these pages. You’ve been warned.

7. The Google-fu Master

GOT eyeroll

This mom has ALL the answers and she ain’t afraid to let you know. Even if you’re not asking, she’s telling and you better listen. That degree from Google U wasn’t free…oh wait.

6. The Know-It-All Mom

whateva David Duckuvny

This mom is similar to the Google-fu mom, except that the Google-fu mom at least has sources, whereas the know-it-all thinks she’s the world’s most naturally perfect mother and we should all bow down to her glory and/or just give up on parenting and ship our kids to her. Actually, that doesn’t sound like a bad idea right about now…

5. The Breastfeeding Nazi

Jenna Marbles Scared

Every single parenting group, forum, website and social media page has at least one insufferable breastfeeding Nazi. I’m not talking about your run-of-the-mill, crunchy breast-feeder. No, this breastfeeding Nazi is way more insidious. She cannot be reasoned with and any and all conversations with her will dissolve unto pointless name calling and a heavy dose of ALL CAPS. Just avoid her at all costs and you’ll be fine.

4. The Donna Reed Mom

If you were to believe everything this mom posts, you’d think she was the world’s best wife and mother, but I’m dubious of anyone who never seems to have an off day. Much like the Google-fu mom, the Donna Reed always seems to have an answer for everything, even if you didn’t ask. She IS good for sharing recipes with, though. Favorite quote? “I love my life as a mommy and a wife!” GAG.

3. The Extreme Intactivist Mom

youre so crazy

I’ll be honest, I’m definitely against circumcision for my son, except I don’t try to cram my opinions on the subject down other moms’ throats the way some intactivists do. Similar to the breastfeeding Nazi, the Intactivist mom is impossible to talk to, even if you agree with them.

2. The “Baby Talk” Mom

not impressed

I don’t know about you, but I cringe when I see/hear a grown woman refer to herself as “mommy.” There is nothing wrong with being called mommy…by a kid. But I think it’s twee to the point of vomiting when an adult does it. The real-life version of this mom is even worse, because they say it in this cutey, falsetto voice that just drives me up the WALL. (End rant).

1. The Hilarious Mom

Aka all Mommyish readers and commenters. You guys rock.

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    • http://lawleramericanadventure.wordpress.com/ Nicole
    • Justme

      My SIL is several of these mothers combined. She isn’t nearly as insufferable in person as she comes across on the internet.

      • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

        I think I can sometimes fall under a few of these (especially the last one, ha ha). I think most parents would say the same. But everyone in a while you’ll come across someone so into their cause or whatever that they’re insufferable. FB isn’t even that bad. Wait till I do the website one (I’m looking at you,, Baby Center). I could write a thesis on Urban Baby alone!

      • Natasha B

        Sometimes I troll BabyCenter just for the comment section. The majority of the articles are drivel…but the comments section…gold. Get your popcorn….

      • guest

        I love Urban Baby so so so much – guilty pleasure every day.

    • EmmaFromÉire

      I feel like the internet gives people full freedom to act like the asshole they are inside. But nobody becomes more of a top notch asshole than internet mothers with a niche cause.

      • Kay_Sue

        It seems like they are sustained not by food or beverage, but by the burning flames of passion they bear for their cause….

      • Crusty Socks

        So Mom Trolls is a thing?

    • SusannahJoy

      Woo! Go us! I have recommended this site to every single pregnant or new parent friend I have btw. Because you guys are all awesome.

      • SusannahJoy

        Not to be braggy…. Crap, did that sound braggy? Actually, yeah, I am braggy! These people needed you in their lives!! I’m helping to make the world a better place! Go me!

    • CW

      The Donna Reeds don’t say “I love my life as a wife and a mommy!” but rather end every FB post with multiple obnoxious hashtags including the overly saccharine #soblessed. signed #ilovebeingamomaswellbutyoumakeallofuslookbatpoopcrazy.

      • CMP414

        haha no sometimes they do! i have one fb friend that’s job title says “full time mommy and wife and loving every minute of it!” but i agree the hashtag mommies are the worst lol

    • personal

      OK, that first kitchen is NOT a real kitchen. There’s not even detergeant on the countertop. Can’t be real. No way. Not!!!
      Really, y’all’s kitchens don’t all look clean like that, do they? Please.

      • Tinyfaeri

        Mine does! Except for the crumbs, the jars of stuff, the bowls of stuff, the spots that never go away on the marble tiles that someone thought were a good idea for a countertop, and the spots on the cooktop. But my detergent’s in a dispenser built into the sink. :)

    • JustaGuest

      The only one I’m going to disagree with you on is the intactivist. If you think that circumcision is an invasion of the child’s bodily autonomy, then in essence you see it as a human rights issue. As such, it makes sense that they express their feelings strongly, because they see others not just as making a different choice (as you seem to) but as doing something morally wrong. This is a reasonable ethical position (although I’m not saying it is correct) and seems a bit different from someone who simply claims to know everything,

      • Victoria

        What you are saying is completely understandable, but I think Frances is trying to convey how these moms (as well as the breastfeeding nazi) manage to make every little thing about their pet issue. It’s one thing to explain when the subject comes up that you believe it’s an issue of bodily autonomy, it’s another to take something only tangentially related to the issue and make it a platform from which to discuss your issue. The best example I have of this is actually from a woman who lists “lactivist” as her political views. If you remember the case where the woman in Great Britain had her child taken away after what was essentially a forced c-section. She was taken to the hospital and when she woke up, she wasn’t pregnant any more. Anyway, this acquaintance, with her radical breastfeeding views, shared the story on Facebook under the caption “such a shame this baby will miss out on a breastfeeding relationship with her mother.” Completely missing the larger point. I’m pretty sure that’s what Frances wast talking about in both 3 and 5. See also this STFU Parents post ( http://www.stfuparentsblog.com/post/10559149566/intactivists-first-let-me-say-that-i-am-not ).