Every parent knows what a project it is getting out of the house to run errands with a baby in tow. Multiply the “put on your jacket” tango and “get in your carseat” wrestling death match by two, double the potential for a mid-store meltdown and you’ll understand why the last thing I have patience for when I’m out with my twins are these ridiculous comments from strangers.
Are They Twins
Does it matter? I get it; twins are somewhat of a novelty. But when I answer” yes” these people act as excited as I am when gifted with a golden box from GODiva. I’m always tempted to say no, just to see if they will slumps away dejected. And if I tell you they’re not twins, then you’re conversing with a women who dresses her kids in matching outfits for Target runs on a random Tuesday, so I would back away slowly if I were you because clearly I have issues.
You’ve got your hands full
Sometimes I hear this when I really am struggling- either while attempting to carry two kids without bumping their heads together or while I’m juggling the door with one hand and my monster stroller with the other- in which case, nice going Captain Obvious and thanks for not holding the door for the person behind you JACKASS. Other times people say this during a rare moment of calm when we’re just minding our business, strolling the aisles while the boys do a taste test comparing Annie Cheddar Bunnies to Goldfish. Then I look myself over for bodily fluids and make sure I didn’t lose a baby in the cereal section, since apparently they feel I’ve deluded myself by thinking I had a handle on this parenting gig. Either way, shut up.
Asking To “Take A Peek” When They Are Sleeping
Everyone knows the universal sign for “baby is sleeping” is a blanket over the carseat and therefore STEP OFF. Everyone except this dummy, who will ask me to wake up a sleeping child so they can compare hair colors and point out which one of my own kids looks more like me. If you try this, I will slap you. Fair warning.
Do you breastfeed?
This question is a trap. If I say yes, I’ll be pulled into a conversation about the evils of formula. If I say no, I’m guaranteed a lecture about the benefits of the boob when all I really want to do is get through the frozen foods sections so I can get out of here. I usually say “We do what works” with a smile over my shoulder as I hustle by, then circle back around so I can ponder the shredded cheese options ( is the four cheese really superior?) in peace. Bottom line- my boobs -my business.