Today In Things No One Wants To Eat: Baby Poop Sausage

shutterstock_146627999Scientists in Spain have developed a new sausage containing baby poop. Why? Because they are obviously assholes. I mean, come on, in this great big world we need MANY things: a male birth control pill, a cure for cancer, some effective ways to reduce global warming, but these losers made sausage out of baby poop.

Can we take a puke break now?

I cannot even logically write this because I’m so upset.

From ABC News:

Writing in the journal Meat Science, - IMMALETYOUFINISHABCNEWS BUT COME ON THERE IS A JOURNAL OF MEAT SCIENCE WHAT THE HELL-  the scientists described how they took 43 fecal samples from infant diapers provided by parent and midwife volunteers. Using three strains of probiotic bacteria they isolated from the dirty diapers, the investigators cooked up several batches of pork that resembled a type of fermented Mediterranean sausage known as feut.

Great OK whatever, I’m sure Mediterranean sausage is all fine and dandy without the added feces.

Beyond the probiotic advantages of better digestion, the scientists said their fermented creation was lower in fat and salt compared to regular sausage. Professional taste testers declared it delicious.

I love food. Food and I are BFFs. I have notebook with hearts all over them declaring I love food forever, and shit SERIOUSLY SHIT like this makes me want to go crawl into bed and cry. We do not need this. There was some nonsense on the article about probiotics and SHIT like that but I did not even read that part because I’m too revolted.

I do not want this. I would not try this. I would not even be in the same room with this. This is not food. This is a Clive Barker novel.

Someone hold me.

(Image:  IRINS/shutterstock)

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    • Bethany Ramos

      Bet the tasters had a shit-eating grin when they finished.

      • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

        HATE YOU

      • Kay_Sue

        Bwahahahahahaha. I enjoyed this comment more than a sane person probably should.

      • Bethany Ramos

        Yay!!! Success. ;)

      • Crusty Socks

        Me too! But I never claimed to be sane.

      • Valerie

        Why would anyone grin while eating shit? I rolled this one around in my head for a while before posting this but I don’t want to Google “shit eating” at work so someone please esplain.

      • Bethany Ramos

        I think it’s a really weird phrase, maybe a redneck phrase, for a stupid grin. I hear it a lot in Texas!

      • Valerie

        Yeah, you’d have to be pretty stupid to grin whilst eating shit.

    • Valerie

      On a brighter note, these sausages would be the perfect thing to use as the poo in a potty training cake.

      • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

        ALSO HATE YOU

      • Scarlet

        Hahaha!! This just made me laugh way more than it should have!

    • Shelly Lloyd

      I was just getting ready to log off and was going to run some errand and pick up an early lunch, but no…now I think I will go hide in my closet for the rest of the day.

    • Kay_Sue

      So, the real question this leave me with: How the hell do I go about becoming a professional taste tester? Is there some kind of special degree program or…?

      • Valerie

        You have to be a Poo-fessional.

      • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

        BOOOOOO

      • Valerie

        Awww, come on, Eve. Poo Puns are the best!

      • Crusty Socks

        Val, urine trouble with Eve. I rectum you leave the poo puns to me. Especially in front of your husband, or he might anal your marriage.

      • Valerie

        Noooo! Not anal! Anything but that!

    • evilstepmom

      I am willing to try all sorts of food. I have eaten a number of strange foods. This. is. not. food! NO!

      • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

        exactly. haha

      • Kay_Sue

        My three year old actually has this lesson down. No idea how the scientists (?) involved in this project missed the whole “poo =/= food” concept….

    • echo7341

      I like how this is what scientists are focused on…Do they think by isolating whatever from the poo, people are going to be like “Oh ok, it was once in poo but it’s not actually poo! I’ll take a whole plateful then!”.

      No, just no.

      • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

        hahaha, exactly. I’m sorry, but basically I am not eating anything that I know was once that, and I know we get trace amounts in normal food etc but I do not wanna think about it

    • Lee

      A fantastic addition to the poo poo platter.

    • Megan Zander

      I wonder if the sausage tastes like buttered popcorn

      • Tinyfaeri

        I keep hearing this – my kid’s poop never smelled like this. I feel cheated.

      • Megan Zander

        Don’t feel bad, never smelt like anything but gross for me too

      • SA

        Oh, yes the buttered popcorn poo. Smelled exactly like it when I was exclusively breastfeeding – ruined the theater for me for a little while.

      • Tinyfaeri

        You’re lucky – hers only smelled like poop if all you ate was breastmilk.

    • Crusty Socks

      You know Eve, I started reading Mommyish b/c I thought this would be a nice place on the internet without weird things. But since I joined, you’ve had articles about baby poop smellers and dirty diaper eaters… and now this.

      Is this your way of trying to get rid of me? >:(

    • AmazingE

      Yeah, I’m gonna have to pass on this one. I’m an adventurous eater, and I’ll try just about anything once, but this is just too weird for me.

    • Paul White

      You finally wrote a story that made me gag. *shudder*

    • Jillian

      Well I bet the over sharing parents featured on stfu parents would love this. Now not only can they brag about how amazing and awesome their babies poop smells and looks (while photographing it) but they can also tell people how great it tastes too. Maybe serve it up to their friends and family at the next BBQ just to show everyone who everything that comes out of their baby is sweet magic.

    • Kaili
    • Véronique Houde

      HAHAHA my boyfriend is of spanish descent and adores weird spanish and french foods (I mean, the guy likes brain. Enough said). I asked him if he would taste baby poop spanish sausage… and he said that if he blind tested it and then was told it was made of poop: sure! ugh….

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