9 Creepy Vintage Kid Ads To Haunt Your Dreams

One of my favorite pastimes is finding ridiculous vintage ads. Things were just…weirder back in the day. The best ones are the ads with kids, because kids back then were apparently creepy as hell. I mean, kids can be creepy in general and there are plenty of creepy modern ads featuring kids (I’m looking at you, E-Trade). But the nine below really take the cake. And by cake I mean soul-sucking murder cake.

9. Carter’s Children of the Corn ad

creepy kid ads


Okay, first of all, apparently glasses = smart. Second, these kids are staring into my SOUL.

8. Van Camp’s Soylent Pork

creepy kids ads 1


It’s made of PEOPLE…

7. Trix’s zombie ad

This kid looks like she’s about to take a chunk out of Ms. Eyebrows up there.

6. Colgate’s…um…I’m not sure what this is

creepy kids ads 4


I don’t know what’s in that toothpaste, but I want some.

5. This maniac kid really loves her jam


I’m unsure of the brand here, but this kid loves her some jam. Or is it jam?

4. Kodak’s arm wrestling ad

I don’t know why, but this kid is TERRIFYING.

3. Stokely’s absurd peas ad

NOPE. No one likes peas this much, not even this creeptastic kid.

2. Van Camp’s (AGAIN) Tenderoni ad

What is it with Van Camps and their creepy ads? And WHAT is a tenderoni? It looks like it’s made from the loins of your enemies.

1. Texaco’s whatever this is ad

This little boy looks like he’s about to literally explode from joy. I don’t think Texaco is that exciting so I’m forced to assume he’s consumed with blood lust.

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  • Crusty Socks

    4. Is it b/c he’s black?

    *runs away!!!

    • Abbe

      Well she called the other 12 children creepy and they are clearly white so not sure why you would have an issue

    • Crusty Socks

      Like always, I was kiddin :D

    • chickadee

      No, it’s because he looks like he’s about to break his father’s arm.

      “If I keep this hand here, and place my other hand just here, then the tension should just snap the radius like a twig!”

  • julesgilead

    Good God, the kid with the can of pork is so creepy. In terms of creepy kid ads, that eharmony one that’s floating around with the frighteningly precocious granddaughter and the skeevy old founder talking about her teacher’s sex life is utterly terrifying. I didn’t need to hear that “eharmony.com has all the hot babes” in the voice of a Stepford Child.

    • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

      OMG yes, that is so creepy. I should do a creepy commercial one next, lol!

    • http://www.benwhoski.com/ Benwhoski

      I had to go look up that commercial. WTF? Also, why is the teacher telling little kids about his love life?

    • Itpainsmetosay

      She is so obnoxious and he doesn’t even really care that she was being a rude brat.

  • LadyClodia

    I think #4 is kind of cute. Maybe that’s because my toddler gives me looks like that all of the time, so I’m used to it. (The jury is still out on whether my toddler is evil or not.)
    All of the others have clearly risen from the bowels of hell.

    • Lackadaisical

      Yes, 4 is cute and the rest will kill me while I sleep

  • Andy

    The Van Camp’s kids look like they want to eat your soul. Creeeepy….

  • Valerie

    I saw a meme with the bean kid that said “Beans, Motherfucker” and I laughed for days.

  • Shelly Lloyd

    The kid in #4 is just adorable, but the ad is scary because it is vintage–but I remember when film and yellow pages were an everyday part of our lives. So that means I’m officially vintage.

  • EmmaFromÉire

    I actually really like #1 in a weird hipster chich kinda way, and #4 is SO DAMN CUTE. But sweet jesus beans kid. http://i.imgur.com/hcojGtn.gif

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