With the 2014 Winter Olympics soon drawing to a close, I felt a surge of inspiration to compile the incredibly boring ways that moms talk about the Games on social media whenever the multi-sport events are held (which is seemingly every year now — score!). It was nearly two short years ago that I wrote a similar recap of responses to the 2012 Summer Olympics, and now here we are again, cheering for our country’s team and re-discovering the stalest joke in America — that moms, too, are one version of Olympian. Of course, this type of endorsement (that moms often give to themselves) doesn’t come without a formal nudging; for years, we’ve seen the Olympics milk the “moms are our greatest supporters” sentiment — complete with whole campaigns about athletes and their sacrificial mothers, many of which resulted in emotional commercials that bring casual viewers to tears — for several seasons of Olympic Games. These commercials are befitting for a massive-scale event that ties the whole world together, each of us unified by a few crucial things: our love of competition, our motivation to win gold, and the fact that everyone, including all the amazing athletes, was once birthed by a mother who presumably cheered their kid to victory on his or her road to greatness. Aww. So sweet!

And while I’ll admit those maudlin P&G commercials do tug at my heart strings, I’m starting to think we’re turning the realOlympics into one big “mom celebration” so that brands can rake in all the proverbial mom dollars at the supermarket. “Mom Olympics” have long been a running joke among women who understand the importance of multi-tasking, and in my opinion, there’s no sadder comparison than a dishrag-toting mom who likens herself to a world class sportswoman. Rather than let the athletes shine, these hilarious jokesters focus on how there should be a Mom Olympics, because no one exemplifies determination and strength of spirit more than your average mom. NO ONE! Sure, these athletes have worked their way into the Olympics, but do you know who was holding their hand along the way, not to mention doing their laundry and a million other chores?! Their mothers. And that is why every time the Olympic Games roll back around, so do the Mom Olympics jokes.

Thanks to P&G, mothers are already a part of the conversation, and thanks to local businesses, mom bloggers, and parents on social media, they’ll surely remain that way. Want to know what the Mom Olympics would entail? There’s a column for that. There’s also a mom blogger guide for that (shared on Facebook 10k+ times, of course). There was even a charity event in Atlanta called the Coupon Mom Olympics. Soon enough, there will be a REAL Mom Olympics (sponsored by P&G) that will occur every two to four years and we will all feel very silly. Just you wait! In the meantime, let’s check out this year’s best (aka extremely boring) examples of how moms talk about the Olympic Games.

1. Toenail-Trimming Competition > Curling

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I don’t mean to disparage all you fine parents who have chosen to name your sons “Brayden,” but I gotta say, some of the dumbest comments I’ve read in STFU, Parents submissions have come from parents of Braydens. That being said, we could easily replace Olympics curling with Olympics toenail-trimming. Like Amy said, there’s a two-man team involved, not to mention exceptional focus and dexterity. I could see this being a top sport in the Mom Olympics in our dystopian future.

2. Moms Win

2. I win

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We already know that moms win every single day because they get all of the hugs and kisses that anyone could ever want, but when it comes to Winning! Charlie Sheen-style, there’s a little more to it than “getting a hug” or “kissing a boo-boo.” Sometimes a mom needs to work a little harder — take on a challenge — in order to achieve greatness. And Rebecca, a mommy armed with a blog, knows a thing or two about that! First, you take the gold in locating your kid’s talking train under a couch cushion. Next, prepare for Mom Olympics domination.

3. Athletic Events < Giving Birth

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The Fit and Feminist Facebook page posted this article from the Huffington Post titled ’16 Images That Will Make You Truly Appreciate The Power Of A Woman’s Body,’ which was posted on the Huffington Post Women page and is about — you guessed it — the celebration of female athletes. But everyone knows that a woman’s greatest physical accomplishment is the ability to give birth, and any mom who HAS given birth knows that the endurance exhibited during labor FAR outweighs the endurance female athletes must possess to compete in the Olympics. I mean duh. The fact that the Huffington Post didn’t conclude its gallery with a picture like this is just criminal!

4. Pooping As An Olympic Sport

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Hee hee hee! After we launch the Mom Olympics in 2016, P&G can sponsor the Toddler Olympics! Toddlers will participate in screaming competitions, track & field (i.e. running into walls and random pieces of furniture with lightning speed), and crowd-pleasing sports like “Who’s Got The Nastiest Turds?” Those tickets are going to sell out fast!

5. The Cute Olympics

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Okay, this dog actually DOES win the Cute Olympics today. I may not be the parent of a human child, but I am *also* not the parent of a doggy-child, either, so you know I’m not being biased. I just happen to think that a tuckered out Corgi who’s curled up with his ball and drifting into a cutie-pie sleep cycle is freaking adorable, that’s all.

But wait! What’s this??? Sarah’s dog was winning the Cute Olympics by a long shot until — coming completely out of left field — Mariana’s baby just crawled into the race!

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Hm, well, this is odd. I’m sure Mariana and Sarah are BFFs or buddies or whatever, but what’s the deal with striking up a “friendly” mompetition with your friend on Facebook over “cuteness”? Does Mariana really think she’s being cheeky in a good way by placing her baby’s cuteness in competition with Sarah’s dog’s cuteness? No offense, but there’s no contest there. The Corgi wins paws-down, so this act of hilarity doesn’t seem like much of a win to me. I may even skip over the silver medal and just give Mariana the bronze. Sorry, girl. Better luck next time. If it helps, I think we all know who will be at the top of her game in the Mom Olympics. Mariana’s competitive drive has only just begun to flourish.