8 THINGS I LEARNED WHILE YELLING FOR THE PAST HOUR

shutterstock_157244651__1393010154_142.196.167.223My editor forwarded me a nice post about a mother who whispered for a whole week and how it changed her life. I wonder if she was trying to tell me something?

Writer Vanessa Bell wonders, “How do we get to the point where our blood curdles over and we’re yelling at our kids? In an attempt to understand why I yelled, I decided to stop for a week… and try whispering instead.” She found that when she stopped yelling she had better focus, her kids had less tantrums, she was less distracted, more laid back and her kids seemed happier. I was going to try this today as a little test, but the universe wanted me to try something different – because just as I was about to start my experiment 

THE GODDAMN GARDNER SHOWED UP WITH A LEAF BLOWER. MY MOTHER IS ALREADY PRETTY HARD OF HEARING, SO WHEN I SWEETLY ASKED IF SHE COULD FEED THE BABY LUNCH, SHE SCREAMED, “WHAT?” I TRIED AGAIN, AND SHE JUST LOOKED AT ME LIKE I WAS THE BIGGEST ASSHOLE ON THE PLANET. “ARE YOU WHISPERING? WHY ARE YOU WHISPERING?” IT WAS THEN I DECIDED TO YELL FOR AN HOUR TO SEE WHERE THAT GOT ME.

FIRST OF ALL, EVERYONE IN THE HOUSE COULD HEAR ME OVER THE ANNOYING SOUNDS OF THE LEAF BLOWER, WHICH WAS A BONUS. IT ALSO SEEMED TO GIVE MY TODDLER A BURST OF ENERGY. HE WAS FILLED WITH GLEE WHEN I SCREAMED – “HEY KID! WANNA WATCH WALLYKAZAM SO YOU CAN GET OUT OF MY HAIR AND I CAN GET SOME WORK DONE?” HE SCREAMED “YEEEESSSSSSS!”

HIS FATHER CAME TO PICK HIM UP AND I SCREAMED, “HI HONEY! HE’S HAD LUNCH AND IS PROBABLY READY FOR A NAP!” HE LOOKED AT ME LIKE I WAS HIGH – AND SUGGESTED I HAVE MORE COFFEE, WHICH WAS FUNNY. I CHUCKLED. LOUDLY. MY SON WAS GODDAMN GIDDY WHEN HE LEFT THE HOUSE. HE WAS ALSO SCREAMING, BUT NOT MY PROBLEM BECAUSE HIS FATHER IS TAKING CARE OF HIM FOR THE REST OF THE DAY WHILE I WORK. SO HERE’S WHAT I LEARNED FROM AN HOUR OF YELLING:

1. I’M LESS ANNOYED WITH THE LEAF BLOWER. I COULD BARELY HEAR IT OVER MY OWN SCREAMS, SO WIN, WIN.

2. THE SURPRISED LOOK ON AN INFANT’S FACE WHILE YOU YELL AT EVERYONE WHILE BREASTFEEDING IS KIND OF FUNNY.

3. YELLING IS VERY ENTERTAINING FOR CHILDREN – IF YOU ARE NOT SCREAMING AT THEM, BUT WITH THEM.

4. YELLING ACTUALLY GIVES ME MORE ENERGY. IT’S KIND OF LIKE CHANTING DURING YOGA – ONLY, NO. THAT’S TOTALLY NOT THE SAME THING – WHO AM I KIDDING?

5. IT’S SERVING AS A SORT OF HYPNOSIS/REGRESSION EXERCISE. IT’S BRINGING BACK MEMORIES OF BRINGING MY VERY ANGLO CLASSMATES HOME FOR DINNERS IN MY GREEK/ITALIAN HOME AND HAVING THEM LOOK REALLY CONFUSED AS TO WHY EVERYONE WAS YELLING.

6. MY CO-WORKERS THINK EVERYTHING I MESSAGE THEM IS VERY IMPORTANT AND RESPOND IMMEDIATELY.

7. MY MOTHER IS LOOKING A LITTLE WORRIED AND MAY SHARE HER XANAX.

8. I SORT OF FEEL LIKE I’VE WORKED OUT.

(photo: artshock/ shutterstock)

Share This Post:
    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      THIS IS AN EXCELLENT IDEA

      • Maria Guido

        I MAY NEVER STOP YELLING.

      • elle

        Omg stop (in a good way)! This is cracking me up way more then it probably should.

      • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

        I LOVE YELLING

      • Guest

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      • Crusty Socks

        Is this like a new way of HTML Yelling?

      • Julia Sonenshein

        CAN’T STOP WON’T STOP

      • Crusty Socks
      • echo7341

        LOUD NOISES!!!

      • SmrtGrl86

        I JUST LAUGHED SO LOUD I WOKE UP THE GODDAMN BABY, YOU MOMMYISH BITCHES DO THIS TO ME ALL THE TIME.

    • Alexandra

      ok, you win the internet today, best post! :)
      I may need to try this because:
      THE GODDAM SHORT SALE WE ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF IS A NIGHTMARE
      MY BOSS JUST LEFT MY JOB AND NEVER TRAINED ME SO EVERYONE THINKS I SHOULD KNOW WHAT I”M DOING AND I HAVE NO IDEA
      I AM PREGNANT WITH TWINS
      MY HUSBAND THINKS HE CAN JUST GO TO THE FUCKING STORE FOR MILK WITHOUT ASKING ME WHAT ELSE WE NEED SO I HAVE TO GO BACK FOR ALL THE OTHER SHIT
      that did feel good :)

    • Lee

      LOVE IT! You know what is fun? Wait around a corner for your toddler and yell when they come around it. People might think that that is a jerky thing to do but my 2 1/2 thinks it is hilarious.

      • jane

        I’m 34 1/2 and I also think this is hilarious.

      • darras

        I totally thought this was hilarious too! Until I did it to my mother, at which point my sister rather coldly reminded me that my mother had had a heart attack only four months earlier. :( I found it less funny for about six months, but I am back to my gleeful corner yelling self again! It’s still ok to do this to people when you’re in your 30s right?

        (my mother did not die from my corner yelling (yet) – just to clarify!)

    • echo7341

      Hilarious! And of course, since it was in all caps, while reading, I was internally yelling everything in my head. :)

      • Maria Guido

        I’M STILL YELLING.

      • echo7341

        I WILL YELL WITH YOU!

    • http://www.whatwouldshethink.com/ Rachelle

      This seriously just won the Internet today.

    • Bethany Ramos

      Hahaha I love the thought of you chuckle-yelling.

    • pixie

      YELLING! WE’RE ALL BEING VERY LOUD AND YELLING! WHY? I DON’T KNOW! I READ YOUR POST, BUT IT’S ALL YELLING, SO I’LL YELL TOO! YAY FOR YELLING! IT’S SO MUCH FUN! #YELLING

    • Maria Guido

      Nobody noticed the “whisper font” at the beginning!!

      • pixie

        I noticed it, but it’s much less exciting than YELLING.

      • Maria Guido

        TRUE

    • Lee

      ..

      • Lee

        I am obviously new to putting an image up here.

      • echo7341

        Don’t worry I tried too… Instantly deleted as it looked like coding threw up everywhere. HOW DO WE PUT THE GIFS IN? Share your knowledge!

    • Buffy

      Still laughing…I’ll try it tomorrow ..JUST CAN’T WAIT FOR MY FAMILY TO WAKE UP! ^^

      • Crusty Socks

        I’m just gonna scream for a while

        AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

    • Lindsay

      You must have picked this up from my four-year-old students who think EVERYTHING MUST BE YELLED.
      “MS. LINDSAY, I HAVE THAT BOOK AT HOME.”
      “MS. LINDSAY, CAN I HAVE A DRINK?”
      “MS. LINDSAY, I DON’T HAVE TO PEE BECAUSE I PEED AT HOME AND I DIDN’T DRINK SO MUCH ALL MORNING AND I REALLY DON’T HAVE TO PEE I JUST HAVE TO WASH MY HANDS, RIGHT?”
      I usually respond with a solid,
      “LOUD NOISES!” or “I DONT KNOW WHAT WE’RE YELLING ABOUT!” or “SAY IT LOUDER, I CAN’T HEAR YOU.”

      Though those kids are better than the whisper-everything kids. The whisper-everything kids creep me out.

    • Valerie

      I’m picturing the baby all wide eyed and taking intermittent tugs on the boob while shifting their eyes around. Think Maggie from The Simpsons.

    • Rachel Sea

      I’M REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO GOING TO THE FABRIC STORE. IF I CLEAN OFF THE KITCHEN TABLE TONIGHT, I CAN SEW WHILE BAKING TOMORROW NIGHT AND ALL OF SUNDAY, BECAUSE AT SOME POINT I BECAME MY GREAT-GRANDMOTHER. I NEED TO LEARN TO KNIT SO I CAN MAKE YOU EACH A LITTLE SWEATER WHILE TELLING YOU TO KEEP YOUR SHOES OFF THE BROADLOOM.

      THIS IS PROBABLY WHAT IT FEELS LIKE FOR MY WIFE WHEN I’M NOT WEARING MY HEARING AIDS. I DON’T KNOW WHAT SHE’S COMPLAINING ABOUT, THIS IS ACTUALLY VERY FUN.

      • Natasha B

        OMG I AM GOING TO THE FABRIC STORE IN THE AM AND THE KIDS ALL HAVE PLAYDATES AND THE HUBBY HAS A PLAYDATE AND I GET TO SEW ALL DAY AND I AM MY GRANDMA YAYYYYY

    • Kay_Sue

      In other news, I totally lost it reading this post and the accompanying comments and now my husband thinks I’m insane.

      • JESSIE

        THAT’S OKAY CAUSE SO DID I AND NOW MINE THINKS I’M NUTS TOO SO WE CAN BE INSANE TOGETHER! (AS LONG AS WE’RE YELLING BECAUSE WHY NOT?)

    • FormerlyKnownAsWendy

      Um, I think this is how I talk all the time anyway. It seems to be the only volume middle schoolers hear :)

      • Ddaisy

        Elementary kids too! :)

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