Our Kids Are Creeps But Thanks To Maternal Instincts We’ll Never Know It

shutterstock_101383837__1392837601_142.196.156.251Have you guys ever read the blog Moms Who Drink And Swear? Personally, I’ll read anything that has a sign that says “Welcome, F*&kers” on it – so I feel very at home there. Today, Nicole Knepper, genius creator of the blog asked a question that I’ve been thinking about all day; Is my child a genius or a creep?

Anyhoo…everyone thinks their kid is cute and funny and smart, but really not everybody’s kid is cute, funny or smart. Some kids are just…I don’t know, creepy. Like any parent, I have zero ability to be objective when it comes to my kids, because they are fucking mine and I don’t like to think they might possibly be all fucked up. There’s just so much potential for me to wreck them, am I right? Of course I am.

She’s right, isn’t she? Is there a mother on the planet who doesn’t think her kid is the absolute best? My 3-year-old is obsessed with farts right now. Every time he farts, he runs up to whomever is nearest to him and screams, YOU farted! I try to just quickly tell him not to say that and then ignore it, because I obviously don’t want to encourage this behavior – but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think it was cute. It’s adorable! See? I’m clearly not objective here.

Nicole mentions her daughter produced a hilariously creepy image out of a shot she took of her brother’s ingrown toenail. It’s like ingrown-toenail-meets-Beeker-meets-fire-and-world-domination. I’m totally creeped out by it. Her daughter? Nonplussed. Her? Well…

I don’t know if she’s full on creepy or an artistic genius. It’s like not knowing if your kid is a cute and funny imp or a filthy, creepy urchin, you know? I mean, she’s my daughter for fuck sakes! I just don’t know.

Ha! Oh my god. I have a three-year-old who loves “boobies” and farts so I think I know what she means here. Do we ever stop thinking our kids are totally adorable and recognize them for the creeps they might be?

I hope not.

(photo: Kiselev Andrey Valerevich/ Shutterstock)

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    • Crusty Socks

      I dunno, chick seems cool and all, but she’s disabled her comments, which means she’s insecure and/or doesn’t care about her readers.

    • Reason #21 I’m afraid 2B a mom

      About a decade ago my bff was a registered sitter on care.com, and was hired by a new family that had two boys the mother had described as being “precocious little gentlemen.” So my friend shows up, and the older of the two kids, a six year old, runs up to her and announces, “as soon as you fall asleep I’m going to put a grenade under your pillow and blow off your head. I want you to die.” He then runs away as the mom starts laughing and says, “he’s just got such a big vocabulary! How many six year olds have you met who know what a grenade is?” Needless to say, the first thing she did after the parents left was make a huge pot of coffee, and the second was to make sure she never got booked by that family again.

      • Maria Guido

        Okay – that is terrifying.

      • LiteBrite

        Okay, well, yeah, points for knowing what a grenade is, but still creepy as hell.

      • Larkin

        One of my coworkers brought his six-year-old daughter to work one day… and she went up to one of my other coworkers when he wasn’t there and said, “I hate you and I hope that you die alone.” Then laughed and ran away.

        The poor woman was so stunned she didn’t even know how to respond! Seriously, WTF?

      • pineapplegrasss

        But why? Why does a 6yo know what a grenade is? Bet that dad was creepy as fuck too

      • rrlo

        My son knows all sorts of weird things that he picked up from daycare. I suspect the kids at the daycare pick it up from older siblings and disseminate that weird knowledge to the little ones. Parents don’t have to be involved.

      • pineapplegrasss

        youre right, I cant assume its the parents, but in this story situation, the mom was so nonchalant about it… Id freak if my boys talked/acted like that..

    • Ptownsteveschick

      I know my kid is a creep. She creeps me out on a regular basis and I honestly don’t know where she comes up with some of the stuff she says. I am under no delusion that toddlers are anything but creepy creepy creepers, hiding in cute little bodies to fool us into complacency.

    • kay

      I used to nanny for a family where their 5 year old had been taught that when he woke up he could turn on the tv and play in the living room (they put it on PBS before bed so he just had to turn it on)…
      because before they taught him that he used to wake up, go into their room and stand silently next to the bed. They’d wake up to him staring and saying “good morning daddy!” all serious. The dad described it as “my child of the corn”. Kids can be super creepy.

      • LiteBrite

        My son did that once. He had crawled into bed with us in the middle of the night. I woke up to see his face almost literally in mine with him saying, “Hi Mommy,” in a serious voice. Children of the Corn indeed.

    • elle

      No, my toddler is the creepiest. I think all small childrenare really.one time my family was at a baseball game and my son smelled the hair of the woman sitting in front of us. It was so creepy and awkward. I was like I’m going to be side eying you for literally the rest of my life from this moment forward.

      • Sarah

        I’m sorry but I can’t stop laughing at a small child deeply inhaling the scent of an unknowing woman’s hair.

      • Rowan

        Me too!

      • ALPEA

        I laughed so hard hot coffee came out of my nose. Nice.

    • Mystik Spiral

      I think all kids are creepy. Sorry, moms. :p

      • Kay_Sue

        Don’t be sorry. You’re right.

    • Guest

      Kids that do things like scream about farts are the kinds of kids that make me not want to have kids.

    • LiteBrite

      My kid is both utterly adorable, endearing, and yet creepy as hell. He’s adorable when he smiles, giggles, tells me he loves me, and, when asked what the Lego movie is about, tells me “Legos!”

      He is creepy as all get out when he plays with my boobs, tells me he is going to marry one of his cousins, and asks me when I’ll be dead (not in a bratty way but seriously wanting to know).

      Note: I don’t “let” him play with my boobs. I’ll pick him up to give him a kiss, and he’ll put his hands on my boobs, at which point I’m like, Uh, NO.” He’s six and already has a fascination with boobs. Gets that from his dad.

      • Alanna Jorgensen

        My daughter is four and tries to grab my boobs all the time. We’ve been really trying to work on bodily autonomy and boundaries, lol.

      • LiteBrite

        Yeah, us too. :)

      • Guest

        I will never get the boob fascination with small children. Do they try to grab Dad’s junk too? So so creepy!

      • Aldonza

        I teach kids of a variety of ages, and I’m always amazed when I have kids as old as 8 touching my boobs. Let’s just say that is NOT cute. It’s always a great conversation to have with the parents too, “Yes, Little Johnny had a time out today because he kept trying to touch my boobs.”

      • Jessica

        My 4th graders would try this with a side hug!! Creepy, creepy little dudes.

      • Jen

        When my friend’s daughter was 4, she was always trying to cop a feel off her Mom. My friend kept telling her no, that those were hers (the Mom’s) and that she (the daughter) shouldn’t touch them. FInally the daughter had enough of being rebuffed and told her mother, in a huff “Well one day I’m going to have my own boobies and I’m going to touch them all the time and YOU won’t be able to touch them!”

      • LiteBrite

        Can I just say that I’m happy to hear other people have the same problem with kids touching their appendages? I’m serious. I was beginning to think there was something wrong with my kid.

      • Jen

        Nope, it’s not just yours! I’ve heard about other boob-obsessed kids besides my friend’s daughter. My sister-in-law’s cousin’s kid is apparently a boobie honker at 18 months. If you are holding him, he’ll honk your boobies. My little guy is 4 months and when he sees me taking my top off to feed him he smiles and wiggles and kicks his legs. Kids just like boobs I guess.

      • Alanna Jorgensen

        Not at all! They’re all little creepers from what I can gather.

    • pineapplegrasss

      I agree that kids definitely have a creepy part inside. That’s why they’re so cute on the outside. My youngest (2.5) has started this creepyasfucklaugh, tilts his head back and cocks it to the side a little, and just looks at me wide eyed strangely. And he uses it at the right times, like when hes being naughty and such. I asked my hubby if hes heard it, and hes all like I like his laugh, until last night. E starts that laugh at me in the kitchen, and Dad was just like OhMG what kind of monster is in you. Seriously creepy, not cute at all. That is what horror movies are made of. I hope it passes fast.

    • Amber Starr

      After reading the comments, I cannot WAIT for my daughter to become a creepy-ass toddler. I’m gonna use her to scare the shit out of people.

      • Crusty Socks
      • Ptownsteveschick

        Scaring people without kids is fun. My sister and I were playing with my daughter, and she was pretending monsters were in the room. We told her the dog would fight the monster and make it go away. My daughter answered “Yes, she is going to fight it with a knife!” When my sister asked her where she heard what about knives, she just laughed and held my sister’s face next to hers. Best thing ever.

      • Amber Starr

        Oh my god, your daughter sounds AWESOME!

      • Ptownsteveschick

        She is awesome, but also a creepy mccreeperson. She has also told me at midnight once that she was sad because “her friends weren’t in her room anymore” WTF none of her friends live near us or had visited recently. She also likes to do the watching me sleep thing. Its a trade off between being proud of her imagination, and terrified of what she will say next.

      • Amber Starr

        HAHAHA!! Oh man, I’m cracking up over here…

        I guess it’s all fun and games until MY kid is being creepy at 3 in the morning and I piss my pants.

    • Kay_Sue

      My first truly creepy child moment was when my eldest son, then three, told me that people came into his room at night but some weren’t people. He could tell the difference because the people wore hats. It may seem ridiculous but the voice he told the whole thing in…

      Fucking terrifying. It was a very definitive, “Oh my god, what have I given birth to” moment.

      • Ptownsteveschick

        Mine did this too! And she always says that kind of crap when her dad isn’t home and I have no one to witness her creepiness.

      • FormerlyKnownAsWendy

        When babies/toddlers do that thing where they stare off at something that’s not there intently and kind of babble at it, I’m convinced it’s ghosts and I nearly crap my pants.

      • Ptownsteveschick

        Talk about pants crapping, my daughter once looked at a picture of her grandpa (died well before she was born in 06) and said “That’s me when I used to be a man” W>>>>>TTTT>>>FFFF

      • FormerlyKnownAsWendy

        I feel like that’d make a good first line in a horror movie trailer. The kid would whisper that in maybe a sing-songy voice and look into the camera and then there would be a flash of some creepy shit from a former life splashed in red….I gotta go hide under some covers.

      • Itpainsmetosay

        Just to make that even creepier for you when I was little the ‘rents would crack my door and leave the bathroom light on. Every night until I was like 8 I would see the silhouette of a man in a fancy hat and trench coat. I used to be scared of him and would spend hours watching him before I went to sleep but then one day he was gone. I am now convinced that he was there to gard me while I slept and when I got old enough where I could protect myself he went away.

      • Kay_Sue

        Oh, believe me, I don’t know that it could get creepier. The least creepy version is what I relayed above. There was a lot more detail. The ones with hats were nice, though, he said. *shakes head*

        Yours sounds neat though. I am sure it was creepy at the time, but it’s kind of cool that you have a rationale for it now. ;)

      • Itpainsmetosay

        Ya I had someone close to me die when I was little so I like to think it was him. Does your boy remember saying those things to you because if he does he might be able to explain it better and this time it might be cool instead of creepy, for you and for him.

      • Kay_Sue

        Not really. I wish he could, because it’d be nice to have it in the frame of reference he has *now* versus what he had at three. I’ve chalked it up to that time period when they have trouble distinguishing between fantasy and reality, if only so I can sleep at night. ;)

      • Alanna Jorgensen

        I have heard tell of shadowy figures that have a tendency to wear hats on some paranormal forums, if I remember correctly.

      • Kay_Sue

        Dammit, Alanna. I thought we were cool!!!

        *goes to invest in some nice cleansing sage*

      • Alanna Jorgensen

        Well, to be fair, these WERE paranormal forums. Not exactly reliable sources. My kid went through a stage where she would point behind me and tell me there was a zombie back there. I hated that stage, lol.

      • Kay_Sue

        I don’t blame you. Zombies are no laughing matter! ;)

    • Natasha B

      This is the best comment thread ever.
      Kids are creepy little bastards. Our now 9yo used to crawl and hide under out bed in the morning (she was like 4) and we’d wake up to creepy little high pitched girl singing under the bed. She now must knock, even if the door is open.
      The 4yo has an (imaginary? Invisible?) friend Charlie, who thinks my hair is soft. DA FUQ

      • Itpainsmetosay

        My friend when I was little was fake imaginary which means btw that I knew he wasn’t real but I made everyone think I thought he was and I would freak them out with stories or see if I could get them to play along.

    • Itpainsmetosay

      When I was little a young family friend and his brother died in a horrific car accident not far from my home. My mom tells this story where she would come into my room and find me talking on the toy phone and when she would ask I would tell her I was talking to Josh. Then one day she came in and I said “Goodbye, Josh” and after that I never talked to him again. I also had a fake imaginary friend when I was little and told my cousin “Chucky doesn’t like you”in the most creepy voice ever.

    • Ewww

      Yeahhhh I wouldn’t be proud of my kid loving “boobies and farts…” Gross. Children creep me out/disgust me….and all these stories reinforce my belief that I don’t want them!!! D-: