I have a very dirty mind. The majority of the time, I read some kind of inappropriate innuendo into the most innocent of things—a Sesame Street skit, a children’s T-shirt, or a beloved children’s book. Half of the books I have read to my son had me giggling to myself. Good thing he’s too young to understand why I’m interpreting adult jokes into a simple children’s picture book.
I’m sure I’m not alone in this, and I don’t think it makes me a closet freak. Maybe my mind has never matured past puberty but talking about “round, round, squishy balls” in a kid’s book makes it impossible for me to keep a straight face. If you can read that without giggling, then you are a saint, and you and your pure mind should come read to my children every night. I will pay you to save on their therapy costs later in life.
If your dirty mind needs a good scrubbing like mine does, take a gander at some of the dirtiest children’s book titles you ever will see. These books may be completely innocent, but they keep my mind in the gutter:
1. Round Balls, Round Balls
Can any parent actually read this to their kid without thinking about… balls?
2. Animal Balls
Now you’ve got me craving Rocky Mountain Oysters.
3. Sweet and Sour… Chicken Balls
Do chickens have balls? Or does that make them a rooster?
4. Bad Kitty Gets A Bath
Sounds like the title of a bad porno to me.
5. Chicka Chicka Boom Boom
And speaking of porn, this is the perfect soundtrack to a 70s porn movie.
6. Mr. Wuffles!
This sounds like the name you’d give to your kid’s private parts to keep them from yelling out “penis” in public.
7. I See Kitty
Pretty much anything with “kitty” in the title is going to make me snicker.
8. Pat The Bunny
Yet another innuendo for private parts—never let anyone pat your bunny without permission.
9. Oh, No! Where Are My Pants?
This book title 100% speaks for itself.
10. Where Are Santa’s Pants?
For everyone that felt uncomfortable sitting on Santa’s lap as a child, now you have even more reason to be.
BONUS: There’s A Wocket In My Pocket
I have no words…