• Mon, Feb 17 - 9:00 am ET

10 Children’s Books With Uncomfortably Sexy Titles

I have a very dirty mind. The majority of the time, I read some kind of inappropriate innuendo into the most innocent of things—a Sesame Street skit, a children’s T-shirt, or a beloved children’s book. Half of the books I have read to my son had me giggling to myself. Good thing he’s too young to understand why I’m interpreting adult jokes into a simple children’s picture book.

I’m sure I’m not alone in this, and I don’t think it makes me a closet freak. Maybe my mind has never matured past puberty but talking about “round, round, squishy balls” in a kid’s book makes it impossible for me to keep a straight face. If you can read that without giggling, then you are a saint, and you and your pure mind should come read to my children every night. I will pay you to save on their therapy costs later in life.

If your dirty mind needs a good scrubbing like mine does, take a gander at some of the dirtiest children’s book titles you ever will see. These books may be completely innocent, but they keep my mind in the gutter:

1. Round Balls, Round Balls

walmart.com

walmart.com

Can any parent actually read this to their kid without thinking about… balls?

2. Animal Balls

amazon.com

amazon.com

Now you’ve got me craving Rocky Mountain Oysters.

3. Sweet and Sour… Chicken Balls

amazon.com

amazon.com

Do chickens have balls? Or does that make them a rooster?

4. Bad Kitty Gets A Bath

childrensbookalmanac.com

childrensbookalmanac.com

Sounds like the title of a bad porno to me.

5. Chicka Chicka Boom Boom

amazon.com

amazon.com

And speaking of porn, this is the perfect soundtrack to a 70s porn movie.

6. Mr. Wuffles!

amazon.com

amazon.com

This sounds like the name you’d give to your kid’s private parts to keep them from yelling out “penis” in public.

7. I See Kitty

laughingsquid.com

laughingsquid.com

Pretty much anything with “kitty” in the title is going to make me snicker.

8. Pat The Bunny

amazon.com

amazon.com

Yet another innuendo for private parts—never let anyone pat your bunny without permission.

9. Oh, No! Where Are My Pants?

designrelated.com

designrelated.com

This book title 100% speaks for itself.

10. Where Are Santa’s Pants?

thebookchook.com

thebookchook.com

For everyone that felt uncomfortable sitting on Santa’s lap as a child, now you have even more reason to be.

BONUS: There’s A Wocket In My Pocket

book1

delsolbooks.com

I have no words…

Share This Post:
  • EX

    My daughter’s first word was ball. Now she particularly likes balls that are blue. There’s nothing quite like a 2 year old yelling “blue balls!” at the top of her lungs.

    • Bethany Ramos

      LOL – case in point!

    • Ms. Anne

      We should get her together with my 2 year old, who likes to yell “PENIS! PENIS!” in the grocery store.

    • G.E. Phillips

      I used to like to do that too….but, when I was in college.

    • Ranaee Holcombe

      LOL Your daughter, Anne’s little one, and my two year old son would have us all in tears laughing. My son’s favorite song is one he wrote, where the lyrics consist of “My balls are cold!” with an ending about ex-lax.

  • Erin Murphy

    My son has a book called “I Love You, Stinky Face.” In it the little boy asks his mom if she’d still love him if he were different. One of the examples is “would you love me if I was a one eyed monster?” I giggle every time….

    • Harriet Meadow

      Oh my god, me too!

  • SmrtGrl86

    Whenever I read a Thomas the Train book to my nephew and it starts in on the trains “shunting” and “biffing” each other I lose it, I just can’t help myself.

    • Valerie

      My husband and I have made far too many sexual innuendos with Thomas books and tv shows. It’s just so creeptastic we can’t even help it.

    • SmrtGrl86

      I’m glad I’m not alone in this, because my sister thinks I need therapy.

  • tSubh Dearg

    Once, when babysitting, I read an Enid Blyton short story to my young charge. It was all I could do to keep myself from laughing as the story was about an elf who got turned into a bicycle and whose friend then pumped his tyres, rang his bell and rode his friend everywhere until they were both exhausted (This bit was particularly amusing to those who grew up with ride = have sex).

    • SmrtGrl86

      Whoever writes something like that for kids has to either be really tongue in cheek or completely oblivious. Either way, I’m gonna have to go on Amazon and find that book now…

    • tSubh Dearg

      It is Enid Blyton, so it’s hard to tell. She was a horrible person and could have been trolling, but she was also writing during the 40′s and 50′s when these things didn’t have the same connotations. Then again some the “adventures” that Noddy and Big Ears went on were totally suspect!

    • Kate

      This is the same woman who wrote the far away tree series with the characters Dick and Fannie. Probably more amusing in Australia though as here Fannie’ refers to one’s lady bits, rather than just one’s bum as it does in the US

    • Lackadaisical

      Fanny is a commonly used term for lady bits in the UK too, but I assume that it came into common usage after the English Blyton wrote her novels. When we hear an American call their bum bag a fanny pack we always giggle here

    • tSubh Dearg

      Fannies are also a lady’s private bits here in Ireland and I think the UK too. Possibly something we exported to Oz? ;)

  • Harriet Meadow

    I know this is TV and not books, but has anybody seen the show “Doc McStuffins?” A few years ago I was hanging out with my sister and her two kids and they were watching the show and I just could. not. stop. laughing. at the name.

    • Bethany Ramos

      Hahaha I laugh at that name every time!

  • andrea

    OK, so the book Guess How Much I Love You has Little Nutbrown Hare, and I swear, every single time my mind reads: Little Brown Nut Hair. Ewwww.

    • SA

      Ugh! I hate that book as it is. The dad seems like such an ass.

    • Alicia

      Yeah I read that as little brown nut hair too, haha.

  • Lackadaisical

    In the UK willy is the most common word used for the one eyed trouser snake and is considered mild enough and accepted enough that it is the word we teach small children when naming their body parts. Take that knowledge and search those children’s books for ones with willy in the title. Upchuck and the Rotten Willy sounds … interesting. I still remember the time the trailer for the film Free Willy came out. The title was revealed at the end and throughout the trailer the packed cinema was filled with families obviously thinking it would be a good one to see. When the title Free Willy was announced the whole cinema burst out laughing.

    • Bethany Ramos

      HAHAHA

    • tSubh Dearg

      In Ireland “Mickey” is one of the slang terms used for penis, which causes much hilarity when people visit Disneyland but was particularly bad when the game “Epic Mickey” came out for the Wii and they were doing promotions on the radio in the forms of competitions etc. The radio hosts could barely get through their blurb about the game without snickering.

    • Lackadaisical

      So … the cheasy song with the lyrics “hey Mickey your so fine, your so fine you blow my mind” … I don’t think I will ever keep a straight face when I hear it.

  • Jessica

    Tickle, Tickle Peter- A Touch and Feel Book. That was in my son’s Easter basket last year and cringe at the title every time he throws it from his bookcase.

    • Bethany Ramos

      SHUT UP. Even Peter has sexual connotations – I am dying!

  • SA

    The idea of Santa is creepy enough with his pants on.

  • ShanLea

    Glad I’m not the only one that has a hard time with the straight face! Our bookshelf contains the instant classic “Elmo Loves Balls”…almost had to throw that one out after the whole Kevin Clash controversy! Having an almost-teen boy within hearing distance while reading bedtime stories to the 2 year old makes it even more difficult to keep from giggling…he’s famous for sticking his head around the corner and saying “Mom, did you really just say NUT brown hare??”

  • Crusty Socks

    Beth, the purveyor of Rule #34

  • personal

    Laughed out loud the entire read! Thanks for this!

  • AP

    HAHAHA.

    I recently was doing swim lessons with a three-year-old, who was trying to figure out which of our pool’s rubber ducks squirted water. I said, “Things with holes generally squirt.”

    I then realized what I’d just said and had to try not to laugh.

  • Fondue

    “I have a very dirty mind.”
    I read your opening sentence and thought, “Bethany and I could totally be friends!”

    • Bethany Ramos

      Hahhaha I accept! ;)

  • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

    This is awesome. BALLS is never not funny.

  • Spiderpigmom

    My son has a Princess and the Pea story book, in which the king and queen are “holding balls” so the prince can meet princesses. Later on appears “a very wet girl”. I snortle each time.

  • ChickenKira

    I’m a children’s librarian and I am going to put all of these books on display together and laugh at it.

    • Bethany Ramos

      Omg please, yes.

    • Pappy

      Just make sure you line them up in the right order.

      Where Are My Pants? I See Kitty! Chicka Chicka Boom Boom. ;-)