Daddyish:Seven Ways to Use Your Kids to Win Valentine’s Day

152406174The other day, my wife told my son that he was her favorite person on earth. I was sitting RIGHT THERE.

But I get it. He’s my favorite person too; it comes with the parenting territory (especially when you only have one kid). It can be a little frustrating when your spouse prefers to spend more time with your kid than with you, but that’s not all bad either. In fact, I realized shortly after my wife so brazenly announced her preference in my presence that my son is actually doing me a favor. Thanks to him, I ‘m feeling a lot less pressure! Especially when it comes to holidays.

Or at least there will be less pressure, eventually. Right now, my kid is only three, so his gift-giving abilities are basically nil. But still, it’s nice knowing I’ve got him in my back pocket. So I’ve started thinking of some ways he can help me survive all my wife’s future birthdays and Christmases and anniversaries, and, of course, Valentine’s Days.

These tips are pretty universal. They may not all apply to you yet, especially if you have a youngster like I do, but eventually some of these will work. Hang on to them.

Seven Ways to Use Your Kids to Win Valentine’s Day Because Seven is Half of Fourteen And If You Follow This Advice You’ll Be Half of a Couple Next Valentine’s Day So It Kind of Makes Sense Just Go With It I Couldn’t Come Up With Ten

  • Blame the Shitty Gift on Them: I wanted to get you some diamond jewelry, but junior INSISTED we give you this SpongeBob lunchbox. He was so excited to choose your gift, what could I do? If you hate it, he’ll cry. YOUR MOVE, HONEY.
  • Blame the Stupid Candy on Them: Why would I spend a fortune on overpriced Valentine’s Day chocolate when the kid brought home a haul from school? And I wasn’t about to let him eat it – there could be glass in there! So it’s yours. YOU’RE WELCOME. Pass me a Tootsie pop.
  • Blame ‘No Date’ on Them:  We can’t exactly bring him, can we? Kind of defeats the purpose. I already bought you flowers, we can’t drop another small fortune on the extortionist babysitter, we’re still digging out from Christmas debt! Besides Valentine’s Day is manufactured by whatever company makes those repulsive candy hearts with phrases plagiarized from the cops pretending to be 11 year olds on “How to Catch a Predator”.  Seriously those things taste like chalk, they should all say “FUCK YOU” on them. Anyway, let’s have a date night at home! We can snuggle and watch “True Detective” can you grab me a beer I LOVE YOU.
  • Blame ‘No Flowers’ on Them: “Come on, honey. The last time I bought you flowers, Junior ate them. Do you really want to spend Valentine’s Day in the emergency room?”
  • Blame Everything on Them: Is your relationship with your spouse strained? Get down to the common denominator and start bashing your kids! Nothing bonds people together like mutual hatred, and your children have provided endless bitch material. Get to it! When you get home and can’t consummate the evening because a moppet has made its way into your bed, your shared frustration will bring you even closer together! You won’t be able to keep from laughing and or/cry-laughing or maybe just crying. It depends on how much wine you’ve had.


At this point I’m realizing this list should probably be called “How to Use Your Kids to AVOID Valentine’s Day” so let’s get back to the original premise.

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  • Hibbie

    Great column as always. Extra amusing because I read it as if Eve wrote it.

    • Eve Vawter

      Lol I noticed that too and I was all whoops I better stop taking his credit :( #editfail

    • DadandBuried


    • Eve Vawter


  • Bethany Ramos

    Awesome, as always, Dad! Why you so funny? I always cry-laugh on V Day. :)

    • DadandBuried

      Who doesn’t?

  • Shelly Lloyd

    It actually is my daughter’s fault that we are not going out on Valentine’s. She was invited to her friend’s birthday party which is 6 to 10 pm tonight. Which means we have no one to watch her brother. Yes her brother is older than her and a teenager, but he is disabled and and has the mental age closer to that of an 8 year old so it isn’t like we could leave him home alone. And I’m not going to bother any of my friends and ask them to watch him tonight for us. No really a big deal.

    • Bethany Ramos

      Still a good opportunity to kick back and relax! Hope you have fun. :)

  • TheGiantPeach

    I would totally be down with watching True Detective for V-Day. That show is the shiz.

    • DadandBuried

      I’ve only seen the first two so DON’T RUIN IT FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Elisa Probert

    I would sell my children. Then I’d go steal them back in the middle of the night, and say “No refunds just because they RAN AWAY!!!”

    We are totally going out tonight. I got an awesome dress at Ross just before Christmas and I need an excuse to wear it. Fortunately, right now we only have pets, and they can be put into kennels for the evening with no problems. (otherwise they eat garbage and the couch)

  • Tinyfaeri

    Oooooh, I did the “make your child do the card” for my parents and my husband’s parents! It’s the best.

  • Kay_Sue

    We are totally open to selling our children. We discussed the possibility on a roadtrip last summer.

    Us: “If you don’t stop fighting, we are going to sell one of you.”
    11 y.o. (the oldest girl): “How will you decide who to sell?”
    Us: “Well, obviously, it will be whoever is the worst behaved.”
    *car goes quite* *everyone looks at three year old*
    11 y.o.: “Bye, little A.”

    • Crusty Socks

      Like… how much?

    • Kay_Sue

      Depends on which one and what condition they are in at that moment. The youngest…well, we’d probably have to pay someone to take him. He’s got a lot of energy.

  • NotTakenNotAvailable

    You think you’re bitter about football season ending the way it did?! I’m a Denver native! This is the second time Peyton broke my heart in a Super Bowl (the first was when he won in 2007, because I’m also a Bears fan, Lord help me). Also I have a “friend” who named her child Peyton Elijah, and as far as I can tell, neither she nor her husband is a pro football fan, although her “hubby” is pretty big into the Tennessee Vols, so I guess that explains the first name?