• Fri, Feb 14 - 12:30 pm ET

The Duggars Should Never Give Sexy-Time Advice Because They Are The Opposite Of Sexy

Duggar family - Woodbridge, VAThere’s nothing more sexy than someone with 19 kids telling you how to keep your relationship hot. Wait, yes there is; just about anything is sexier than that. The thought of being pregnant for 20 years pretty much fuses my vulva and forms and impenetrable fortress. See, that’s not sexy.

It’s one of the mysteries of large families like the Duggars, of TLC’s “19 Kids and Counting” fame: How do they do it?

Not how do they manage that many kids, though that’s a good question, too. But how do they do IT?

Once you have, say, 10 children, how on earth do you find the energy and motivation to make kids 11-19?

I’m assuming they live in a mansion with a fortress of solitude – because we can barely find time when a child is not beckoning us, and we only have two kids. How do they do it? Here’s some advice Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar shared with Today Moms.

Say yes to sex, even when you’re tired.

Be available. Anyone can fix him lunch, but only one person can meet that physical need of love that he has, and you always need to be available when he calls.

“You always have to be available when he calls.” Ew. Haven’t these people ever heard of porn?

 But give it a rest sometimes.

It’s not all sexytime at the Duggars. They abstain when Michelle has her period, and also after childbirth: 80 days before sex if it’s a girl, 40 days after a boy.

My vagina just fused shut again.

Treat your wife like a queen.

Jim Bob seems to put Michelle on a pedestal…

Well he should. Need I mention this woman has spent 20 years pregnant, basically repopulating their town with his seed.

There are a few more tips about having an open heart, not being a perfectionist and blah, blah, blah. Then we get to …

Make time for date night.

Michelle and Jim Bob go out, just the two of them, every Saturday night.

Easy for them to say. They basically have their own built-in babysitting army.

I don’t know, maybe I should take advice from Michelle. The fact that she’s given birth 19 times and still even wants to have sex is definitely a testament that whatever they are doing to keep it hot is working. I just threw up in my mouth a little.

(photo: Getty Images)

You can reach this post's author, Maria Guido, on twitter.
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  • Guest

    I just want to know what the eff the gender of the child has to do with getting it on after??

    • pixie

      Yeah, that was my question, too.

    • Valerie

      Definitely confused on this one as well.

    • Tea

      Leviticus 12.

      The Lord said to Moses, 2 “Say to the Israelites: ‘A woman who becomes pregnant and gives birth to a son will be ceremonially unclean for seven days, just as she is unclean during her monthly period. 3 On the eighth day the boy is to be circumcised. 4 Then the woman must wait thirty-three days to be purified from her bleeding. She must not touch anything sacred or go to the sanctuary until the days of her purification are over. 5 If she gives birth to a daughter, for two weeks the woman will be unclean, as during her period. Then she must wait sixty-six days to be purified from her bleeding.

    • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

      I can’t believe I was actually right.

    • Valerie

      I had no idea I could have looked to the Bible to predict how long my post-partum bleeding might last. Sidenote- they were way off.

    • Megan Zander

      Amazing how literal some people take the Bible. Clearly my birthing class missed this. I was thinking it was something to do with the wee penis making the birth easier. Like a tunneling effect or something?

    • Tea

      I kind of almost admire that they stick to the little rules no one else does, rather than quoting the only part of leviticus the rest of the world knows.

      It’s like watching someone stack geckos, It makes no sense to me at all and doesn’t usually work, but the dedication is kind of admirable.

    • Valerie

      Doesn’t the bible also have some clause about women living outside or on a roof when they have their periods? I wonder if Jim Bob and his troop of boys have built the women of the family their very own Menstruation Hut?

    • Tea

      Not unless it’s abnormal, but I know that everything a menstruating female sits on is unclean and cannot be sat upon by her husband, are are her bedsheets.

      Makes me wonder if they have chairs for lady time only…

    • Valerie

      Yeah…and the seat is lined with maxi pads.

    • Kitsune

      There was a guy who was trying to live by the rules of Leviticus and write about it, so when he pissed his wife off she sat on everything in their house when she had her period. Only way I knew about the chair thing.

    • Tea

      I have his book, actually! I follow some weird biblical laws myself, but they’re ones related to hospitality and charity, not who-sits-on-what.

    • pixie

      So if I visit you, does that mean you’ll wash my feet?

      Kidding, obviously, but that’s one of the few hospitality things I remember from the bible. Other than being nice to other people, obviously.

    • Tea

      It’s more that I don’t keep the full of my harvest (I give a lot of my garden away for free) and that I won’t turn away a stranger in need. I have huge issues with the christian population that judges, but does not give or invite others in.

      I would wash your feet, but I think you’d prefer I just unfold the futon and show you to the shower :)

    • Jayamama

      That’s not so much a law as it is a custom of the times, since their feet were always dusty from the dirt roads and wearing sandals.

    • pixie

      I know it was more of a custom, it’s just one of the things I vaguely remember from the Bible because it wasn’t gone over as much as some of the other things (I went to a Catholic high school).

    • ChickenKira

      This is hilarious.

    • Elisa Probert

      Now I totally want some “lady time” chairs. Preferably something squooshy I can snuggle into, with a heating pad set into the back and big flat arms for holding boxes of chocolates.

    • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

      I agree. I actually have a bit more respect for the religious folk who have the courage of their convictions and go the whole nine rather than the assholes who spout off about the conveniently hateful parts of the bible while leaving out the stuff that might actually be annoying to follow.

    • Kay_Sue

      I love the “stacking geckos” analogy.

    • Maria Guido

      Ack.

    • pixie

      Ah, the Bible. Yay for thousands of years old post-partum sexy time practices being still practiced today.

    • Toaster

      It’s been a while since i read the Bible but don’t you also need to sacrifice some critters before you’re ‘clean’ again?

    • Tea

      Yep, a lamb and two doves I believe. Technically, sacrifice is no longer required at all, even by bible rules (If much newer ones).

    • Valerie

      Maybe they just go out for lamb souvlaki after.

    • Valerie

      Also great that the Bible basically states that a girl baby makes your vag dirtier than a boy baby.

    • helloshannon

      ugh Leviticus is always the worst

    • andrea

      Oh for f#cks sake, really??? The people who believe in this stuff scare the crap outta me.

    • G.E. Phillips

      What do you do if you have boy/girl twins? Split the difference? Go by the kid who came out last?

    • JLH1986

      My guess is if there is a girl involved, you’re waiting 80 days because you know evil vagina.

    • That_Darn_Kat

      Upvoted for “evil vagina”

    • Tinyfaeri

      Laugh? Cry? Why choose?

    • SarahJesness

      Yeah, I figured it was one of those weird Old Testament rules. OT sure is weird.

    • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

      Because….if she has a girl child she needs more time to cleanse her body of the evil?

    • Maria Guido

      Oh my god! Probably…

    • TwentiSomething Mom

      Its from the Old Testament

    • Alexandra

      Yep I didn’t get this either…. ???

  • CMJ

    Wait, why the discrepancy in sexy times starting for girls and boys?

    • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

      Apparently it’s in Leviticus. There are some good comments about it above.

  • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

    I’m completely unsurprised that the only times they abstain are the two times when she is the least likely to be fertile.

  • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

    Ok I just read the article and I’m confused. Do they have sex at the ice cream shop? Is it like this place? http://www.thestar.com/life/food_wine/restaurants/2010/02/03/restaurant_promotes_sex_in_its_bathrooms.html

    • Megan Zander

      Wows a. Screw the feather duster, that maid is gonna need a black light.

  • Tsabhira

    I don’t think these people should be giving advice on ANYTHING.

    • Valerie

      Except Tator Tot caserole. They have that down to a science.

    • Tea

      I’d like to think they kick ass at food budgeting and herding cats, but that’s about it.

  • Mystik Spiral

    Jim Bob is one of the creepiest creepers who ever creeped. Ugh, he just grosses me out so much. She deserves a medal or something for letting him near her at all. Though I’d wager sexytime at the Duggar house consists of approximately 2 1/2 minutes of Missionary. Wham, bam, thank you ma’am.

    • Valerie

      Totes. He makes my skin crawl and that would hold true whether they had 19 kids or 2 kids. Something about him is definitely creepy.

    • JLH1986

      He gives off a creepy “I will molest small children” vibe to me. I know it’s not fair to say to that but every time I see him I can only think “I would never leave kiddos alone with that guy.”

    • Pappy

      Kiddos or nubile young women. There are many examples (*cough* Jack Schaap *cough*) of evangelical religious leaders preying on the trusting young ladies in their flock. They make perfect, pre-groomed victims since they’re taught to blindly trust and absolutely obey “godly” men.

  • Muggle

    I’m sure making the oldest 4 or 5 daughters do everything frees up some time for a roll in the hay.

  • jane

    Look, Mommyish. I love you guys. I really do. I spend wayyyy more time on this here website thingy than I should. The articles are great and the commenters are amazing. But the hypocrisy of this article is killing me. Here are a list of some of the articles you’ve penned collectively in the last week alone:

    Craigslist Ad Tells Overweight People Not To Bother Applying Because Obamacare

    Mommy Bloggers Are Told To Sit Down And Shut Up Because They Are Women Writers With Kids

    Lean In’ Stock Photos A Step In The Right Direction, But Majority Still White, Thin And Gorgeous

    Between The Sheets With Jasmine Iyer : Sex Positions For Moms

    See a theme here? The theme is that it doesn’t really matter if you’re a mom, or if you’re not, or if you’re overweight or thin, but every woman has the right to be competent and capable and sexy and whatever else she wants to be IN SPITE of the fact that she has a vagina that she may or may not have pushed a baby (or 19) out of. I love this website because we basically say “hey, as long as you’re not hurting anyone else, we’re cool with who you are and what you do.” It didn’t even really pass judgement on women who nurse adult men (which personally made me feel a little ill, but whatever).

    Look, I’m not down with the Duggars. I think that their politics are revolting and I don’t think that anyone should be famous just because they’re famous (I feel the same about Paris Hilton). But I am uncomfortable with the idea that we get to decide and pass judgement on the relative “sexiness” of Michelle Duggar. When do women automatically become unsexy? 3 kids? 5? 10?

    If we discount the Duggar’s advice because Michelle Duggar has had 19 children, that doesn’t strike me as all that different than Eve being written off as a “mommy blogger.” Now, if you want to discount Michelle Duggar because she believes that women should be subordinate to men, is a biblical literalist, and actively works to get politicians who are anti-women elected to public office, I’m all ears.

    Sorry to be all preachy and annoying. But the thing about feminism is that it only works if it applies to all of us.

    • Mystik Spiral

      FWIW, *I* don’t discount the Duggars’ advice because they’ve had 19 kids, I discount it because they’re fundamentalist and frankly, dumber than a sack of hammers.

    • jane

      I’m totally with you. But that’s not what the article was about at all. Carrie Prejean was also fundamentalist, and I’d wager a guess that no one has ever characterized her as “the opposite of sexy” (but yes, also dumber than a sack of hammers).

    • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

      No one is discounting the Duggars because they have 19 kids are are religious. They are just intolerant assholes who think homosexuals are going to hell. And Jim Bob has run for political office more than once and was clear that he would push for his beliefs, so I think they’re fair game.

      *EDITED* edited to add https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jim_Bob_Duggar

    • jane

      Again, I agree with you. And on a personal level, they’re not anything that gets me hot and bothered. But the article doesn’t discuss any of that stuff. Just their “unsexiness.”

    • Maria Guido

      The thought of spending 20 years of my life pregnant makes me never want to think about having sex again. Sorry – you can’t revoke my feminist card for that.

    • Kay_Sue

      Maria pretty clearly points out what she’s defining “sexiness” as for the sake of this piece: “The thought of being pregnant for 20 years pretty much fuses my vulva and forms and impenetrable fortress. See, that’s not sexy.”

      The “opposite of sexy” is an explanation of Maria’s reaction to the thought of being pregnant for that long…I don’t think it’s really anti-feminist at all. I have the same reaction, and it is weird to have that reaction, and then have that person give sex advice. She’s not discounting the opinion–she’s pointing out a dissonance between her personal reaction to the idea and the advice given.

  • Alex Lee

    Vulva be all like…

    • Valerie

      His eyes look like the crafty googly stick-on eyes you can buy from craft stores.

  • K.

    Am I the only one who is more freaked out by watching how much fucking trash they accrue?

  • Lauren_Alli

    Mabye I’m reading too far into this, but the “always say yes” type advice they are giving seems really disturbing to me. Obviously, this is directed toward the woman mostly, because do men ever say no? So basically, screw your feelings, woman, and attend to your duty of pleasing your man.

    • Mystik Spiral

      It’s this line of thinking that causes many of the super-religious to believe that there’s no such thing as marital rape.

    • Pappy

      That’s about the size of it.

      “I own that car, it’s a piece of property that belongs to me, I can drive it any time I want.”

    • m

      Well, I’m usually always ready for sex, whereas my husband has quite low libido. But he usually agrees after some persuasion ;)

    • Larkin

      Same here! So glad I’m not the only one. Haha. It was seriously confusing to me for a while to realize I was the one initiating 95% of the time.

  • Guest

    For a couple of conservs, they’re sure getting personal with the public…waaaay too personal.

  • brebay

    I’m pretty sure Queens don’t have to perform sex on-call….pretty sure a queen is the one who gets to make those calls…

  • brebay

    Going to take this opportunity to quote weeds with regard to having sex with a full-time breeder: “It’d be like throwing a twinkie down an elevator shaft…”

  • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

    Wait, WHY do they wait longer after having a girl? I’m confused.

    • CW

      The 40 days thing I’m pretty sure comes from the Bible, but I’ve never heard of there being a difference between after having a boy vs. a girl.

    • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

      Ah, I just saw this below too. Thanks! Also, the bible is ridiculous sometimes.

  • Lindsay

    1) The thought of period sex squicks me out so, so, so hard,
    2) They aren’t too tired for sex because the older daughters basically parent the little ones. Watch the show, Michelle has little to do with them- the older ones are assigned a younger one to care for, iirc.

    • Pappy

      I was really struck by the fact that it was Jana (IIRC), NOT Michelle, who phoned 911 when her just-home-from-the-NICU sister Josie stopped breathing and turned blue in the middle of the night.

      Josie had been home only a few days at the time and was still quite medically fragile (as all micro-preemies are, often for months/years after birth), but Michelle had already moved her into the girl’s dorm room. She left her sickly infant in the care of her untrained older daughters. Josie could have died as a result of her sister’s inexperience (what if Jana had slept through Josie’s breathing episode?), which would burden them with a totally undeserved lifetime of guilt. My mind genuinely boggles at the selfishness and stupidity of such an act.

    • That_Darn_Kat

      I hate to admit, I’ve watched the show. From what I took during that time, Michelle was there, and Josie was with her, and Michelle was trying to care for Josie while someone else was on the phone with 911 (I also think it was Jill who was on the phone, but whatev). Now, I could be wrong, but I think the girls came running in when they realized something was wrong.

  • Anon

    I often wonder if they realize that the more babies they have, the greater the chance they are going to have a gay child. Just waiting for the tabloids to break the news to them…

    • Rachel Sea

      Odds are at least three of their kids aren’t straight.

    • Itpainsmetosay

      Not to be weird (cause I watch and love this show) but if I had to bet it would be justin and joy anna(they had five boys before her and like two after) because they seem more outgoing and altruistic of the nineteen. Who would you pick?

  • SarahJesness

    Regarding the time thing, apparently the older children (at least the girls, don’t know about the boys) take care of the younger ones, which I guess frees up Momma Duggar for whatever else she has to do.

    I find the “always say yes” thing to be kind of creepy. I’d even go so far as to say it’s rape culture creepy. I mean, a lot of fundamentalists don’t believe that marital rape is a thing.

    • Pappy

      Have you been reading No Longer Quivering too? If not, I recommend it.

  • Jayamama

    You’d think that after ten kids, or twelve, or fifteen, they’d learn to “just say no”
    to sex. I do agree with regular date night, though. Even if it’s Netflix and pizza.

  • Amber Starr

    I wanted to write something funny and witty, but……….. I got nothing. These 2 creep me the hell out.

  • MeLuRe

    Reading the name Jim Bob so many times in one article has just fused my vagina shut for the month.

  • MLSKC

    What I really want to know is if sexy fun time is fun for both parties involved……

    • texassa

      Amen!!!

  • Elisa Probert

    Reading this gives me little creepy fingers on the back of my neck…No thank you to the whole philosophy.

    My hubby knows very well that when one has migraines for 3-10 days at a time, sex is very very far from one’s mind. And preferably, far far away from the rest, too.

  • Pappy

    “Have plenty of daughters. Raise them with the unquestionable belief that they have no value outside of their future role as a Good Christian Wife and Mother ™ and caring for their younger siblings while blindly obeying their father is good training for that role.

    As you grow older and find it harder to meet all the needs of your expanding brood, don’t shy away from manipulating them into taking on many of your parental responsibilities vis-a-vis cleaning, cooking, childcare and public relations. Remember: They owe you their lives so they have no right to complain. You have every right to demand they sacrifice all autonomy and personal ambition in order to fulfill your life goals. Never, ever let them forget it. Joyful parenting!”

  • MamaLlama

    FREE Jinger! She’s my fave and has to endure that name!

  • texassa

    Wait, why do they wait for different amounts after a girl and boy? What’s the difference?

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