8 Things You Do Not Want From Groupon For Valentine’s Day

There are two specific things that are going to happen by the time you finish reading this post:

  1. You will be cry-laughing, if we share the same sense of humor.
  2. You will also begin using #groupondildo inappropriately and may offend all your friends.

You’ve been warned. As I was browsing the interwebs for an innocent gift for my husband, I came across some of the craziest shiz that my eyes ever did see on the Groupon website. It all started with the many, many sex toys available for sale on Groupon (I had no idea!) and quickly escalated from there.

As any e-commerce website would do, Groupon is pushing Valentine’s Day hard. They are using vibrators and really strange love gifts as their leverage. If your Valentine has gotten you a delightful Valentine’s gift, that’s reason to celebrate. Unless your significant other went down the strange rabbit hole that is Groupon and bought you one of these DO NOT WANT love tokens:

1. Groupon Mystery Gift

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This is the number one worst choice that I just can’t stop laughing about. I can only imagine some poor sucker thinking how great it would be to buy a MYSTERY gift for 90% off. Wouldn’t any Valentine be delighted? The mystery lady in the photo looks so happy and unsuspecting. She’ll never know what hit her.

2. Butt-Shaper Panties

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Valentine, here’s a very thoughtful gift for your flat, lackluster ass.

3. Cherry Kegel Exercisers

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This is a touching way to say that your lady hole is all kinds of stretchy after having kids.

4. Remote Control Vibrator

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This is a not-so-subtle way to say: Valentine, I know you won’t be having the sexy sex on this holiday, so here’s the next best thing.

5. 10 Speed Vibrator

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Not much to say here, except thank you #groupondildo or #grouponvibrator, whatever you prefer.

6. Multispeed Vibrator

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Or maybe this more realistic looking #groupondildo will do the trick?

7. Shape of Style Body-Con Dress

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When in doubt, always buy a Saved by the Bell dress worn by Kelly Kopowski.

8. Ovulation Predictor Watch

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This may be a cool gift for many women, but it can also say: Hey, I know it’s our second date, but let’s make a baby.

(Image: Groupon)

You can reach this post's author, Bethany Ramos, on twitter.
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    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      hahahahha MYSTERY gift. I bet the mystery gift is the butt shaper panties

      • Bethany Ramos

        LOL I am tempted to ask my husband to buy it for me. IT’S 90% OFF!

        ETA: He always scoffs and says, they can say it’s any percentage off to get you to buy it! #howdarehe

      • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

        #HDY I bet it is lime green nail polish in a pink gift bag

      • Bethany Ramos

        It better be a lime green #groupondildo

      • http://www.ambiencechaser.com/ Elizabeth Licata

        I bet it is all the expired baby octopus left over from when Gilt Food folded.

      • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

        hahahah expired baby octopi!

      • Kay_Sue

        It’s on the interwebz though. Everyone knows they can’t lie on the interwebz!

    • http://www.gamedevwidow.weebly.com/ Theresa Edwards

      What? No #livingsocialbuttplugs ?

      • Bethany Ramos

        LOL DYING!!!!

    • Jessica

      I read one of those titles as “Butter Shaped Panties” and got so very, very confused.

      • Jessica

        God, and then I read the dress as “Body Corn Dress.” I need glasses!!

      • Elisa Probert

        Methinks you need a snack! Maybe buttered corn? LOL

      • Bethany Ramos

        I like this much more.

      • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

        and now I’m very very hungry

    • Parent Hard

      Do I want them? No. Do I want to buy all of them, wrap them in ditsy floral paper, deliver them to hubs’ work in a giant box with a scented note that reads “YOU’LL be using all of these tonight. Put the shapewear on now. XOXO” Oh hellyeah I do.

      • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

        Please do this, please send us pics of you doing this.

    • Maria Guido

      I want all of this stuff – who doesn’t like a surprise, vibrators and weird butt shaping shorts? You can keep the kegel cherries and ovulation watch.

    • Kay_Sue

      So someone made a push up bra for your ass? *trots off to Groupon to investigate this further*

      • Bethany Ramos

        Kay_Sue!!!! I have been waiting for you all day to tell you how much I love you! I saw the email that you sent, and it honestly made my day, thank you so much. Thank you, thank you, thank you is all I can say. :-) xoxo

      • Kay_Sue

        Aw. *blushes*

        I had to escape the little minions. Well, first I threw them in some snow, and rolled them around, and then made hot cocoa to warm them up. Amazing what a little snow playtime will do to encourage nap time! ;)

    • Jallun-Keatres

      I don’t understand/use vibrators so I’d have some terrible odds with this XD

      • Kay_Sue

        I have to admit that the concept of not understanding vibrators has me scratching my head a little, lol.

      • Jallun-Keatres

        Well I know what they’re for *giggle* but I never considered, um, trying one out. *blush*

      • Kay_Sue

        That makes sense. I got familiar with them while my partner was overseas for two years. Getting that first one though…pretty sure I was as red as a firetruck the entire time….

    • AP

      I like the Ovulation Predictor Watch’s font. It looks like the high score boards from 80s arcade games…

      Maybe it features a sperm-and-egg style Space Invaders when it knows you’re doing it, with a GAME OVER if you you don’t get pregnant?

      • Bethany Ramos

        omg YES.

    • Elisa Probert

      Butt-panties! Woot!

      The dress could be cute with the right accessories, but nobody can rock that style very well!

      50′s day dress silhouette, that’s where it’s at…fitted bodice gives you boobs and a nipped in waist, full skirt hides the belly and gives you curvy goddess hips, and long enough that no on notices if you have cottage cheese thighs. and it’s fun to swish around in. Somebody could give me more of this style for Valentine’s and I’d be happy happy!

      Only worn this one once, but I have so many others with a similar shape…

      https://scontent-a-sea.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/t1/1920507_713877285319384_367561908_n.jpg

      • Bethany Ramos

        Love!! So cute!

      • Elisa Probert

        I tell everyone I know to buy this type of shape…it’s the rare style that looks better on larger ladies!!! But it works on slender frames too.

      • Kay_Sue

        I love the shape and the pattern. I’m a pansy when it comes to trying out new patterns.

      • Elisa Probert

        Don’t be! It’s fun to find a new color and pattern. I use to be a neutrals only girl. Not so much anymore. LOL Neon orange and fuchsia today.

      • Kay_Sue

        I will have to channel your energy next time I make it out shopping. So if you feel it, don’t be alarmed or anything.