Brutally Honest Valentine’s Day Cards For Boring Monogamous People

Valentine’s Day can be downright repetitive when you’re in a long-term relationship. How many times can you buy the same card with the hearts and the flowers and the sunsets before you start feeling like a total phony? That’s why this year, I made some more specific cards, that speak to the special love and honesty that you share in a long-term relationship. It’s the little things that we overlook that make long-term relationships special, folks.

Just bring me some flowers next week.

crap holiday


I love that you know this relationship has boundaries.




The best thing about bedtime is your warm shins.



Actually, it’s not just the gesture that counts. 


Thanks, honey. 




Thanks for ignoring the less-than-glamourous parts.



What’s with this silverware thing? 



You’re the best.

mom(photos: Getty Images)

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  • Bethany Ramos

    Silverware, so true!!! There is something about unloading silverware that makes me so, so mad.

    • Alicia Kiner

      In my house it’s coffee cups. Every other dish will be clean, except the dang coffee cups. And I’m the only one that uses them. But if hubby loaded the dishwasher last, guaranteed there’s at least one dirty coffee cup on the counter.

    • FormerlyKnownAsWendy

      That’s why I made it the kid’s job… soon as she was tall enough to reach the silverware drawer…… I can’t wait until she is tall enough to scoop all the clothes out of the washer. *Almost* there.

    • Bethany Ramos

      Oooh I can’t wait…

  • Kay_Sue

    The warm shin ones is me. Many a night has found my husband recoiling in shock when they come in contact, but he always lets me snuggle up after he overcomes it. ;)

    • Robotic Arms Dealer

      Next time your feet are cold, just wear some crusty socks for warmth

    • Kay_Sue

      I was waiting for this all day yesterday. You did not disappoint, lol.

    • Robotic Arms Dealer

      Sorry, I missed Mommyish yesterday. We set up a new troll site for the CNN refugees

  • Tea

    “Thanks for agreeing when I call your sister a bitch.”
    “Thanks for agreeing when I call your father a bitch.”
    ” Thank you for turning the heat up on your way out so I could get out of bed.”
    ” Thanks for saving me some shaving lather, even if you forgot to hone my razor.”
    ” Thank you for putting up with my marathon netflix binges of kids shows.”
    ” Thank you for not punching my mother for what she’s done and will probably do again.”
    ” Thank you for sex even after taco night.”
    ” Thank you for locking me out of me steam account to make sure I got NaNoWriMo done, you bastard.”

    Contrary to what conservatives think, our relationship is comfortably dull and without half the sex they seem to think we’re having.

    • Maria Guido

      Hahaha! Where were you when I was trying to think of these?

    • Lackadaisical

      I love those thank you messages and I also love the idea of conservatives spending their lonely nights imagining the sex you have, exaggerating it and then tutting about it. It makes them seem like dirty letches hiding their own voyeristic fantasies with disapproval, and considering how obsessed some of them seem with the sex they are trying to prevent I think it might often be accurate.

    • Tea

      I’m jealous of imaginary gay guys, they’re always at the club or the bar or off getting laid or corrupting minors, not being stuck on hold with Insurance for two hours and trying to file taxes.

    • Bethany Ramos

      The more of your comments I read, the more I love you.

    • brebay

      Agreed. Tea’s the new kid we’re all going to fight over.

    • Tea
    • Rachel Sea

      Real lesbians are way more fun but way less sexy than imaginary lesbians. My wife and I pretty much never walk around the house wearing nothing but thigh high stockings, and heels, but I also don’t plot to emasculate half the population. It’s a trade off.

    • Lackadaisical

      That can’t be right, I am fairly sure “the straight persons rule book for lesbians” (available with a choice of free clutching pearls or binoculars) states that your uniform is either dungarees and bad hair or skimpy lingerielingerie and loose morals. Which you wear depends on whether you registered as a feminist militant lesbian (who secretly only rejects men because they reject her for being unnatractive) or as a sexy porn lesbian who takes more pleasure from the voyeuristic gaze of the man she would obviously allow to watch than her partner. Good grief, actually normal people with a relationship like anyone else’s? If that were true then right wing “traditionalists” would be swivelled loons, liars and bigots, how could that be?

    • Armchair Observer

      I can’t believe this and Tea’s comments abov) aren’t the top comments on the Internets today. You guys are the bestest.

    • Rachel Sea

      My wife did have Lesbian Haircut #3, but the only plaid flannel we own are jammies. Chick pants fit in a safety harness better than dungarees, so when I operate heavy machinery, I wear Gloria Vanderbilt, not Carhartt.

    • Lackadaisical

      Rachel, how could you? By not identifying yourselves with the proper uniform and stereotype behaviours at all times and having a normal relationship you have lulled me into a false sense of security and caused me to be slippery sloped. Thinking you and Tea were normal people with healthy relationships has just led me to marry my brother, a chicken and a halibut called Bert simultaneously. Do you see what gay normality leads to? How very could you?

    • Rachel Sea

      Just think of the tax deductions.

    • Tea

      Our ex-roomies were lesbians, and we were all boring married people who happened to be nudists.

      We fit 4 of us in a 600 square foot house, and I’m pretty sure we could have made a killing as a reality show if we could throw in a little fake drama.

    • Rachel Sea

      People have been telling me for years that we should just install webcams all over the house and support ourselves with subscription fees. Those people don’t understand that when regular people do naked chores, it isn’t actually sexy.

    • Lackadaisical

      Yes, imaginary gays seem so exciting with their sex that is so powerful it causes natural disasters and apocalypses. Also TV tells me that all fantasy gay people are born wittier and more stylish than lesser mortals but on the downside the constant drug use that tutting conservatives and the media tell us they do is expensive. Also the shallow and childish flouncing and the constant bitchy comments that are followed by canned laughter would make society destroying fantasy gay people rather tiring.

      I am always amazed at how obsessed right wing bigots get about the sex in gay relationships. My own straight marriage contains things like love and companionship but according to angry bigots on soap boxes gay relationships are constant orgies. I suspect they form all their opinions from watching too much gay porn for … ahem … research purposes.

  • Amber Leigh

    This one is my favourite…

    • Amber Leigh

      wait where did the pic go? lol

    • Jessica
    • Amber Leigh

      It wont load it says “There is nobody else I would rather lie in bed with, and look at my phone next to”

    • Maria Guido

      So stealing this for FB!

  • CMJ

    The chin hairs is a classic.

  • Valerie

    “Thanks for cleaning my hair out of the shower drain. I know that shit looks like the girl from The Ring and you don’t even flinch.”
    “Thanks for pretending not to notice when I’m using my facial hair remover cream.”
    “Thanks for not getting mad at me for dulling your razors all the time.”

    Didn’t realize how much of my admiration for my husband stems from his tolerance of my body hair and it’s removal.

    • Kay_Sue

      The Ring one rings so true. ;)

  • gothicgaelicgirl

    Thanks for braving the toiletries aisle in order to pick up Tampax for me, then coming home with a box of each cos you didn’t know which ones I used.
    Thanks for defending me from the verbal abuse your ex-wife throws at me on an everyday basis.
    Thanks for always giving me the last piece of pudding.
    Thanks for letting me rest my freezing arse against your toasty little beer belly.
    Thanks for saying my hair looked as awesome as Lisbeth Salander’s, and not like Justin Bieber as the kids say.
    Thanks for laughing at my duvet farts.
    Thanks for putting up with my anime obsession.
    Thanks for putting up with my father, even though he’s made it clear he really hates you.
    Thanks for never letting my time of the month impede on our shenanigans,even tough it sometimes reminds me of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, after.

    Above all, thanks for never ever letting me do the housework, even though I know it’s really your OCD preventing me from doing it. =P

  • drinkpepsi

    These are great! In the spirit of honesty, here is a Love Poem about real love…


    True Love – by Judith Viorst

    It is true love because
    I put on eyeliner and a concerto and make pungent observations about the great issues of the day
    Even when there’s no one here but him,
    And because
    I do not resent watching the Green Bay Packer
    Even though I am philosophically opposed to football,
    And because
    When he is late for dinner and I know he must be either having an affair or lying dead in the middle of the street,
    I always hope he’s dead.

    It’s true love because
    If he said quit drinking martinis but I kept drinking them and the next morning I couldn’t get out of bed,
    He wouldn’t tell me he told me,
    And because
    He is willing to wear unironed undershorts
    Out of respect for the fact that I am philosophically opposed to ironing,
    And because
    If his mother was drowning and I was drowning and he had to choose one of us to save,
    He says he’d save me.

    It’s true love because
    When he went to San Francisco on business while I had to stay home with the painters and the exterminator and the baby who was getting the chicken pox,
    He understood why I hated him,
    And because
    When I said that playing the stock market was juvenile and irresponsible and then the stock I wouldn’t let him buy went up twenty-six points,
    I understood why he hated me,
    And because
    Despite cigarette cough, tooth decay, acid indigestion, dandruff, and other features of married life that tend to dampen the fires of passion,
    We still feel something
    We can call
    True love.

  • Scarlet

    Haha my husband always washes all the dishes but the silverware, it makes me completely crazy! The silverware is the easiest part of the dishes WTF!

    • drinkpepsi

      I’m like your husband. I don’t mind washing dishes, pots, pans, etc.
      But silverware? Hate it.

      I think it’s because if I wash 10 plates or bowls…I can see I’ve made
      a big dent. But 10 pieces of flatware is just work without any noticeable
      dent to my pile of dirty dishes.

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