Are you too tired for sex? Uninterested in getting your jollies on after a long day of work, cooking and dealing with kids? Do you feel guilty for leaving your partner unsatisfied and driven to semi-regular shower masturbation? Fear not!
Introducing: Sex Positions For Moms
1. Tranquilized Doggy Style
Have you ever watched Animal Planet? Every once in awhile an animal rescue team needs to sedate a wild rhino using a tranquilizer gun. The end result is a huge animal lying on their front with their business end pointed toward heaven. The wonderful thing about this position is that much like the wild rhino, you can be somewhat asleep while the love of your life gets freak nasty.
2. Multitasking Oral Presentation
Being a mom is all about juggling. We can help with homework, get a nutritious meal on the table, and cuss out a telemarketer all at the same time. Bring those skills into the bedroom with the Multitasking Oral Presentation position. What man doesn’t enjoy a little down under time? But by the time you get Junior in to bed, you probably just want to relax with Dancing With the Stars, am I right? R & R doesn’t just stand for Rest and Relaxation. It can also stand for Rowdy and Ready when you give a sideways B&J in the family room while watching television out of the corner of your eye. We’ll let you work out the details but there’s no reason why you both can’t be thoroughly entertained.
Bonus: During commercials…go all out!
3. Girl On Top Of Her Weight Loss Goals
Who has time to work out these days? Nobody. Who loves woman on top position? EVERYBODY. Nothing makes you feel like the queen of your castle like being physically above your man. Next time you’re showing him who’s boss, tighten those core muscles on the ascent and relax them on your way down. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Rep- you get the idea. Forget P90X. This is P-NASTY-X. P90XXX.