• Tue, Feb 11 - 1:00 pm ET

Between The Sheets With Jasmine Iyer : Sex Positions For Moms

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Are you too tired for sex? Uninterested in getting your jollies on after a long day of work, cooking and dealing with kids? Do you feel guilty for leaving your partner unsatisfied and driven to semi-regular shower masturbation? Fear not!

 

Introducing: Sex Positions For Moms

 

1. Tranquilized Doggy Style

Have you ever watched Animal Planet? Every once in awhile an animal rescue team needs to sedate a wild rhino using a tranquilizer gun. The end result is a huge animal lying on their front with their business end pointed toward heaven. The wonderful thing about this position is that much like the wild rhino, you can be somewhat asleep while the love of your life gets freak nasty.

 

2. Multitasking Oral Presentation

 

Being a mom is all about juggling. We can help with homework, get a nutritious meal on the table, and cuss out a telemarketer all at the same time. Bring those skills into the bedroom with the Multitasking Oral Presentation position. What man doesn’t enjoy a little down under time? But by the time you get Junior in to bed, you probably just want to relax with Dancing With the Stars, am I right? R & R doesn’t just stand for Rest and Relaxation. It can also stand for Rowdy and Ready when you give a sideways B&J in the family room while watching television out of the corner of your eye. We’ll let you work out the details but there’s no reason why you both can’t be thoroughly entertained.

 

Bonus: During commercials…go all out!

 

3. Girl On Top Of Her Weight Loss Goals

 

Who has time to work out these days? Nobody. Who loves woman on top position? EVERYBODY. Nothing makes you feel like the queen of your castle like being physically above your man. Next time you’re showing him who’s boss, tighten those core muscles on the ascent and relax them on your way down. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Rep- you get the idea. Forget P90X. This is P-NASTY-X. P90XXX.

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  • Natasha B

    I died. Have totes pulled the kitchen counter one (Mrs Meyers lavender is a complete aphrodisiac)
    Also: good laws Ginuwine. I need a moment.

  • Kay_Sue

    You turn away to check your tablet? Pssssh, let your man know his place. :-P

  • myra doyle

    Oh dear god. Just painful to read, I was cringing the entire time. I get that it was supposed to be a humorous and almost satirical take on how life with kids gets in the way of sex and how to “remedy” that but I found it kind of insulting that it feeds into every unsexy stereotype of mother and marriage there is. Us moms are still women who want to be hot, passionate and lustfully intimate. Instead of writing and reading lists like this, let’s put down the tablets and cleaning supplies to go have a real romp in the sack.

    • Kelly

      Yeah, I agree. I’m sick of the jokes about women hating sex and only having it out of a sense of obligation. Too many people actually believe it for it to be funny.

    • Harriet Meadow

      Agreed. I usually want sex more than my husband. Fuck the TV, my e-mail, and cleaning…I want some hot sausage. And while I appreciate that this is meant to be light-hearted and funny (I thought this was very well-written and definitely chuckled a couple of times), I agree that we need to stop feeding into the stereotype. It’s extremely sexist.

    • Sats

      that’s the point. It’s satire.

    • Kay_Sue

      Really? *scratches head* I enjoyed the satire, personally.

    • myra doyle

      Huh, to each their own I guess. I just don’t like when people are poking fun on this topic in particular because I love sex and hate thinking that the idea of me as a mom having a great sex life is a laughable concept, that’s all.

    • Blooming_Babies

      Yup to each their own on this one. I both love sex with my husband and this brand of humor. Humor is so personal specially satire, sometimes it just rubs people the wrong way.

  • Bethany Ramos

    Ride the pony during a Skype business conference? That makes absolute sense to me!!

  • jane

    At this point, my car being vacuumed is about as sexy as being romanced by Channing Tatum.

    And about as likely to happen as well.

  • Robotic Arms Dealer

    You know you could have found better (more accurate) gif’s

  • monica

    Hil-ARIOUS! All about your sense of humor :)