Are you too tired for sex? Uninterested in getting your jollies on after a long day of work, cooking and dealing with kids? Do you feel guilty for leaving your partner unsatisfied and driven to semi-regular shower masturbation? Fear not!
Introducing: Sex Positions For Moms
1. Tranquilized Doggy Style
Have you ever watched Animal Planet? Every once in awhile an animal rescue team needs to sedate a wild rhino using a tranquilizer gun. The end result is a huge animal lying on their front with their business end pointed toward heaven. The wonderful thing about this position is that much like the wild rhino, you can be somewhat asleep while the love of your life gets freak nasty.
2. Multitasking Oral Presentation
Being a mom is all about juggling. We can help with homework, get a nutritious meal on the table, and cuss out a telemarketer all at the same time. Bring those skills into the bedroom with the Multitasking Oral Presentation position. What man doesn’t enjoy a little down under time? But by the time you get Junior in to bed, you probably just want to relax with Dancing With the Stars, am I right? R & R doesn’t just stand for Rest and Relaxation. It can also stand for Rowdy and Ready when you give a sideways B&J in the family room while watching television out of the corner of your eye. We’ll let you work out the details but there’s no reason why you both can’t be thoroughly entertained.
Bonus: During commercials…go all out!
3. Girl On Top Of Her Weight Loss Goals
Who has time to work out these days? Nobody. Who loves woman on top position? EVERYBODY. Nothing makes you feel like the queen of your castle like being physically above your man. Next time you’re showing him who’s boss, tighten those core muscles on the ascent and relax them on your way down. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Rep- you get the idea. Forget P90X. This is P-NASTY-X. P90XXX.
4. Reverse Corporate Cowgirl
This position has all of the benefits of the on-top position with an added bonus. Your turned away body leaves you free to check email using your tablet or lightweight notebook computer. No one is stopping you from jumping on Skype for a live business conference if you think you can swing it. In the words of Ginuwine: Jump On It!
5. Productive Dirty Talk
Sexy speech on its own is great but you can easily take it a whole ‘nother level. Turn on your lover’s genitals while tuning them in to tasks you need accomplished. Example:
1. Baby, I want to watch you handle this year’s taxes so hard…..
2. I just want to throw you down on the bed…like a load of whites from the dryer.
3. You look so sexy right now. Like how my car would look if someone vacuumed it. Sexy like that.
6. Standing Up & Wiping Down
So many of us have children in our beds and are therefore forced to find alternate places to get it on. And if you don’t have the luxury of employing domestic help, evenings are probably spent cleaning up. Sex while standing was listed as one the top “Sex Positions Men Love” by a popular men’s magazine and takes care of both your location needs and chores in one fell thrust.
Just grab a rag, your favorite all-purpose spray, and position yourself near the kitchen counter to make the session really count.
Find a cleaner that is free of harsh chemicals to incorporate a light spritzing of each other as part of your foreplay. The sexy and safe recipes below can be made in your own kitchen. Not only will they fight grime, they’ll leave your man fresh and slightly sticky to the touch (for traction).
Mix these together in any standard spray bottle.
- 2 cups filtered water
- 1 cup vinegar
- six drops lavender oil
Tea Tree Treat Yo Self
- 2 cups filtered water
- ¼ cup baking soda
- 1 cup vinegar
- four drops tea tree oil
The addition of the fragrant essential oils will make your steamy encounter scent-sational. Who says you can’t have dirty sex in a clean house? Certainly not us.
7. Proselytizing Missionary Position
We’ve turned this oldie but goodie on its head! Ladies: there’s always so much we want to share with our partners but so often their eyes glaze over. Why not wait until the car is in your garage? In this traditional man on top position, your mouth is literally inches from his ears. This is your chance to talk about anything. Whisper sweet nothings about how his mom was kind of judging you for your jeggings or the decorative pillows you pinned earlier in the day.
How magical is it that he can be inside of your body and mind for just a few minutes? It’s like sexual inception. This is what power couples are made of.
Women of the world, it is time for you take control of your sex life. These tips will take you from totally boring to totally boning by tonight. Don’t forget to report back.
Jasmine Iyer is a mother, DJ, and writer. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.