• Mon, Feb 10 - 1:00 pm ET

Reddit Dad Pens ‘Open Letter About Son’s Penis’ For His Wife’s ‘Sanity’

185069152Teen boys are creepy. End of discussion. I love my son, you all love your sons, but boys are full of all sorts of hardcore extreme hormones and chances are if their bedroom door is closed they are masturbating.

It’s just that simple. It doesn’t even need to be discussed unless you are like this dad on Reddit who felt the need to give his wife a list mansplaining teenage masturbation because for the life of her his wife just couldn’t fathom that this is a thing that happens. The list of eight things includes helpful hints for his wife about how to knock on doors before entering and the assurance that yes, their kid is viewing porno.

Never, under any circumstances, should you bare-hand any white clothes or tissues that are on the floor near his bed. Better yet, don’t bare-hand any white clothes or tissues on his floor. Even better, don’t bare-hand anything in his room. Best to wear a hazmat suit when you enter his room or do his laundry. And always wash your hands after.

 

I’m super duper not sure why the kid in question is only wiping himself off on white items, but OK. And if your kid is leaving a mess of mystery tissues around, you should probably splurge and buy him his own trash can.

I suppose it’s sweet that this dad wants to give his wife a letter explaining all this to her, but it also strikes me as sort of insulting that the dad assumes his spouse doesn’t know this already. His wife was once a teen who obviously went through puberty as well, and I sort of hope she writes him her own letter explaining that doy, teen girls masturbate too.

I find it hard to believe parents are actually scandalized by this. I also find it hard to believe the wife in question didn’t know this already. And I also find it hard to believe teen boys are just ejaculate-encrusted item litterbugs, or else maybe this is how it just goes down in this house. Here’s hoping the poor kid in question never discovers his dad writing about his personal business on Reddit. To me that’s far more damaging than his mom walking in on him by accident.

(Image: getty images)

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  • pixie

    I also question the need to do it publicly. I know open letters are apparently a thing now, but couldn’t he have just gone up to her and have a normal, adult conversation? Instead of going online and being “hey guys, here’s an open letter to my wife about our teenage son who is jerking off”, it seems a little…insulting? I don’t think that’s the word I’m looking for, but it’s the best I can come up with. I would think the same if it were a woman writing a similar open letter to her husband.
    I think just about everyone who is teenaged or older is aware that teenagers masterbate and that a lot of unexplained tissues in a teenaged boy’s room is probably what he’s using to wipe himself off with. But yes, if they’re really everywhere, he should probably have a trashcan in his room. (or just have a trashcan in his room in general, for non-jizz kleenex when he’s sick or has allergies or other things he needs to throw out)

    • CMJ

      I think we need to start a STFU, Open Letters site.

    • elle

      Please start it, CMJ. Also, I knew I couldn’t be the only one who despises open letters.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      it’s so creepy! hahaha

  • elle

    Ew first off I hate open letters. They just seem like condescending smug drivel to me, all of them. Second off why is a teenager not cleaning his own room and doing his own laundry? This bothers me more then a teenager masturbating, which is a totally normal thing to do. Is my mom the only one who as soon as I turned 12 stopped doing all that for me? We even had a house cleaner and if I did not tidy for her my room wouldn’t get touched. Seriously show him how to use the washer/dryer throw some garbage bags at him and wipe your hands off it. Just keep knocking before you enter his room.

    • Mikster

      In a house of 6 people, I do the laundry since I am not willing to work around anyone’s schedule. I do it when I want, as often as I want and I would rather not be inconvenienced by 5 other people. When I was young, we rented and only had 2 wash days a week- so I didn’t do my own. I grew up and learned very quickly how to do it. Oh, but they DO get the clean laundry and put it away themselves.

      Now their rooms? Yeah- I quit doing those (except the sheet laundering) around age 9 or 10,. They straighten up, dust, vacuum and the rest.

    • elle

      That makes sense sense. There was only 4people in my house and since my mom did my stspdads it wasn’t a battle royale like I can def see it being at your house.

    • val97

      My oldest has been doing his own laundry since he was 12. I generally don’t even go in his room, and it’s usually cleaner than mine. My youngest is 8, and he also is in charge of cleaning his room and bringing his dirty laundry into the laundry room and putting everything away.

    • elle

      Yep, even when my mom did laundry I still had to hang it. The worst part of laundry!

    • pixie

      I cleaned my room and put my laundry in the hamper as a teen, but in a house of three people, we usually just did all of our laundry together. Sometimes it was my dad, sometimes my mom, sometimes me. Even if I didn’t actually do the laundry, I often would put the clothes in the dryer/hang the ones that couldn’t go in the dryer and fold the dry clothes. Obviously, now that I don’t live at home I do my own laundry, and do my own laundry when I visit home and bring a load of dirty clothes.
      Reason why we did our laundry together is both my parents and I would probably run out of clean clothes to wear before we had enough dirty laundry for a full load and we’re all busy so might as well just throw everything in together.

    • elle

      Lol that would have NEVER worked at our house. We all loved clothes too much and had to many for that work. I still do. But it’s smart and conserves water doing it that way!

    • pixie

      lol, oh I know a lot of people it wouldn’t have worked for. My mom is also away a lot for work so a lot of the time it was just my dad and myself. So yeah, it was as much about saving water as not running out of pants. :P

    • Magrat

      When I was about 10 my mom decided I was grown up enough to work the laundry machines, and she never did my laundry again. On the other hand, I knew people in college who had never touched a washer before. So I don’t know.

    • elle

      Me too! My college roommate had no idea how to use a washer/dryer and separate clothes. It’s really a disservice I think.

    • ElleJai

      People still separate clothes? Huh. I chuck, say, brand new red items into their own wash, but apart from that everything goes in together and they all come out ok.

    • Ddaisy

      My first day moving into university dorms, my mom was down in the basement laundry, showing me how to use a washing machine for the first time. It was mortifying. So yeah, I definitely recommend people start their kids on the laundry way earlier than that :P

    • Kay_Sue

      My three year old knows what buttons to hit, but he is terrible at sorting and absolutely wrecks my delicates…. :-P

    • Maddi Holmes

      Yeah, my mother taught me how washing machines work at the age of 6. Granted she continued to do my washing until I was about 13, and she’s happy to wash my stuff if I chuck it in the hamper with her things. I’ve been cleaning my room since I can remember though.

    • Ennis Demeter

      Even if the parents still do the laundry, cleaning up your own dirty tissues is basic human decency. The letter reminds me of a Dear Prudie letter in which a man complained about his wife getting mad at his son for not wiping up his own urine splatters after peeing. Men: your wives aren’t supposed to wipe urine/ clean dirty tissues of the boys in the house just because they are women. Teach your sons.

  • Rana

    Ok this was just disturbing to read. I don’t think she needed an itemized list to grasp the concept that her son is masturbating. And how humiliating for the son that his dad wrote this! Yuck all around.

  • Tea

    5 Bucks says this dad acts like he’s a hip in the know hoopy frood who is the “Cool dad” and makes dirty and sexist jokes that make his kid and their friends grin awkwardly and try to remember that we tolerate this man because he lets us eat his hot pockets and ignores when the liquor cabinet is missing nips here and there.

    Totally don’t know this from experience.

    • Lackadaisical

      Anyone who uses the term hoopy frood is definitely awesome. Hitch hikers guide to the galaxy fan?

    • Tea

      Yep! I’m a fan of old scifi and the BBC before it had a budget, so it’s the best of both worlds.

    • Lackadaisical

      I am British and a geek so being a hitch hikers fan is mandatory for me. I have a copy of the original radio series on CD somewhere and will now have to listen to it again as your reminder has caused the theme tune to buzz around in my brain. Actually it is a good reminder to introduce my kids to it, so thank you.

    • Jayess

      Tea, you are so hip, I bet you can barely see over your own pelvis.

  • Sarah

    I, too, despise open letters, but I have to admit that this hit me pretty close to home. I have 2 boys (and 2 girls,) a 10 yr old and a 4 yr old and I am terrified and horrified by what puberty will bring. My husband humors me, and tries reassuring me, but I’m still totally unprepared, mentally, and I bombard him (my husband) with insane questions constantly. Strangly, I feel no trepidation concerning my daughters entering puberty (the oldest is only 5.) But boys….MY boys….plus puberty = more than I can mentally handle, lol.

    • Lackadaisical

      I also have a 10 year old. I found tackling it early and head on made it less embarrassing for us both. My husband was little help, he once tried a puberty talk with my son and the very next day my confused and worried son came to me to ask me to explain what his dad told him.

    • Sarah

      THIS! My husband’s plan is to do and say nothing, whereas I’m picturing talks, books, and buying new sheets in bulk. But the downside is, will my son want to talk to his *mom* about this???!

    • ElleJai

      Keep the conversation open throughout his life, rather than in a one-hour purpose session, and I don’t see why not.

    • Lackadaisical

      I found starting young helped, but then my hand was forced when at 7 a classmate of my eldest told him about a sex scene he saw in a film (the kids parents don’t care about ratings and the friend was definitely was allowed to watch 18 films at 9 years old). My son came back with a jumbled description that was wrong but containing enough mixed up truth that I sat him straight down and explained it all properly. Most people think I was a bit early for the first talk but he was fine and it was better than bad info. His own littlke brother is now 7 years old and sits in on some of the sex talks and puberty talks for much the same reason but I go into more detail with my older kid. As a warning, if you do the talk young you need to go over it more than once.

      My sons have never had a problem talking to me about it but then I try to keep it honest, straight forward and factual. They feel weird talking to their dad about it because he is obviously embarrassed and awkward about it himself. That may change as they get older.

    • brebay

      Definitely! The key is to let them know that this is a perfectly acceptable topic of conversation in your home BEFORE they’re old enough to be embarrassed. They’ll still get a little squeamish as they get older, but you will have already let them know you’re up for any questions, and even though they may be embarrassed to ask you, you’ll never be embarrassed to answer (lying is ok here,) that there’s nothing they could possibly ask that would shock you as a grown woman, and that you’ll never judge their curiosity.

    • Karen Milton

      My aunt is a public health nurse and had some recommendations for good books about boys and puberty and sex. I grew up with only girls, so I’m not exactly a fountain of knowledge, and my son wasn’t comfortable asking his biological dad or my husband. I gave him the books and said that he could read them when he was ready and then if he had any questions we would talk about them. Well, darned if the kid didn’t stay up until all hours reading. The next day he did indeed have questions, so we talked about it. It was kind of anticlimactic, really – we’ve always had a really open relationship so it wasn’t out of the ordinary to talk. My philosophy is that if they’re old enough to ask they’re old enough to get an answer. The books were really good – they made it so we didn’t have to start the conversation from scratch, we could just move forward to the smaller details. He still asks all kinds of great questions, like “why are boys players and girls sluts?”, and I love our talks. Sometimes it’s awkward, but I’m not going to tell him that.

      Now, despite our open door policy, puberty has started kicking my ass. Apparently the books didn’t cover things like “your mother is going to become the stupidest person you’ve ever met” and “glowering is exactly the same as giving a verbal answer, and if she doesn’t get it it’s because she’s the stupidest person you’ve ever met”. Sometimes he’s my sweet baby boy who shovels the driveway without being asked and scoops the cat box every morning and sometimes he’s a walking bag of hormones who finds the suggestion “could you please bring down the dishes in your room” extremely offensive – and it seems to change on a dime. I think it’s my turn for a reference book.

    • brebay

      Hopefully your husband will be around, but if, god forbid, something happens, you’ll have a glass of wine or two and have the sex conversations; because they need them, they deserve them, and it’s your job. I think the biggest mistake nuclear 2-parent families make is leaving the sex ed exclusively to the same-sex parent. Ideally, both should keep an open dialogue with kids of both sexes.

    • Kay_Sue

      I agree. It is a mistake. Relationships are generally a two-way street, and especially if your child will be having them with the opposite sex, that perspective is important to share also.

    • Maddi Holmes

      It’s super important you get to them and educate them properly not just on their own sexy stuff, but on sex in general. Sex ed at schools is useless and if they’re not educated properly, they’ll learn from porn, which is riddled with sexism and straight up lies.

      The worst thing a parent can do is say nothing, just have an open environment where everyone is comfortable talking about sexuality. It’s natural and apart of life and shouldn’t feel awkward or weird, if you start the dialogue now hopefully it will never be strange to them and you’ll all feel comfortable talking about it.

    • gothicgaelicgirl

      oohhh girlie puberty is the BEST! *sarcasm*

      the eldest girl JUST started her period, her mother didn’t explain anything to her so the poor kid was too embarrassed to say anything to her father. convinced she was dying til i came home and calmed her down.

      For the record, there are these awesome period kits for girls close to starting, called a Ready Girls kit.

      I got it for her and she LOVES it, looks just like a glasses case/pencil case, comes with two mini pads, two hygiene wipes and a pair of cotton throwaway panties. Best tenner I ever spent!

      http://www.readygirls.com/blog/

  • Mikster

    LOL- I wondered about the white thing too.

  • Marci

    Also, while I understand rule 5 about not making them get up, “Now, now, now,” I also know, “I’ll do it in a few minutes,” is code for, “Ugh. I don’t want to do it now or ever and I’m hoping you’ll forget you’ll asked if I stall long enough.”

  • Alex Lee

    Additional things I learned on Reddit relevant to this post:

    1. Cumbox – this apparently is a tissue box that the male ejaculates into. Why go through the effort of removing a tissue when all the absorbancy is already built-into the box?

    2. Tube Socks – another convenient vessel for semen. These can get stale quite rapidly. Possibly made famous by The Red Hot Chili Peppers.

    3. Panic Wank – where the son yells “MOM” and must reach orgasm before the mother opens the door.

    you have been warned.

    • Tinyfaeri

      Great, now I have an image of someone goofily screwing a tissue box.

    • darras

      Must admit I found the idea of the Panic Wank FAR more traumatic than the cumbox :P Then again.. I knew a guy in college who had a Cum Drawer. So maybe I am just desensitized.

    • Tinyfaeri

      All my brain could think there was “oh thank goodness I have a girl”

    • brebay

      Yeah, because if there’s one thing teenage boys definitely don’t want to get off in it’s a…..oh, wait.

    • Tinyfaeri

      That was at the Panic Wank – that’s the only one I actually find disturbing. The image of a person frantically screwing a Kleenex box is just funny.

    • Bunny Lucia

      YAYY FOR RHCP reference!

    • brebay

      Learned about “jerk socks” on Weeds. Also best masturbation lecture ever by Uncle Andy.

  • Lackadaisical

    Good grief. My son is on the brink of puberty so despite just being a mere mum I did take him aside for a masterbation talk (my hubby gets awkward about these things). I was happy to point out that while everyone who hits puberty does it and it is nothing to be ashamed of that it is a private thing that none of us want to witness it and there are no excuses for not clearing up after. Also I showed him where the clean sheets are and said I would never question any sheet he puts in the wash. Am I cold and showing a lack of understanding of boys that I consider a kid old enough to masterbate to be old enough to work out subtlety and cleaning up after himself?

    • brebay

      Yeah, did it twice. They were a little embarrassed, but your ears still work when you’re embarrassed. They got over it. If you’re old enough to make a baby, you’re old enough to figure out periods and masturbation. This guy seems like the kind who calls his wife “the little woman.” puke.

  • Robotic Arms Dealer

    We’ve all been crusty socked!

  • Kay_Sue

    Clothes hampers and waste baskets…are they not a “thing” in this man’s household?

  • Janet

    I bet he’s the kind of dad who thinks his son needs some good ole porno to go with it!!

  • brebay

    I bet this guy calls 911 every month when his wife is hemorrhaging.

    • gothicgaelicgirl

      You LEGEND lol

  • ElleJai

    Number 5 was the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard: “If you ask him to get up and to do anything and he says he’ll do it in a few minutes, please don’t make him get up. Let him stand up when he’s ready.”

    Seriously, if he’s wanked so much he can’t stand up then I have small sympathy.

    • AnastasiaMcNally

      I think maybe that one was like being a bit embarrassed to stand up with a boner and waiting until it has died down before he stands…

    • ElleJai

      Yeah DH said that AFTER I commented… In that case I’ve decided that he can take a cushion with him. Stuff still needs to get done, and knowing teen boys, I can’t wait 5 odd years for the constant random boners to stop before he can do anything.

    • Karen Milton

      Constant random boners. Beautiful.

    • brebay

      This is why I think it’s cruel for schools to have a shirt-tucking rule in their dress codes. Why not just make the girls wear white pants at all times too?

    • brebay

      Yeah, but ElleJai’s answer is WAY funnier!

  • thrillho

    This reminds me of the time my ex’s step mum told me this great story about how when he was in his mid-teens he was a complete slob (to be fair, he was still a slob when I dated him) and so when he was out she would go into his room and pick stuff up. Apparently she went in the one time and picked up discarded tissues he left everywhere. She complained about it to his dad who informed her they weren’t snot rags. She was so grossed out that years later she continued to tell this story to the women he dated.

  • gothicgaelicgirl

    LOL this is the best Dad ever!!!

  • darras

    Can I just say.. I almost woke my son just now laughing at the second comment on the reddit post – namely “The other day, I almost cut my hand on a sock.” :D

  • http://wtfihaveakid.blogspot.ca/ jendra_berri

    My mom had us do our own laundry when we turned 13. It was not because of masturbation, simply because we could and thus should. I’ll be doing the same with my son. He can de-gross his own stuff.

  • Kashmir1988

    You really don’t get why he mentions not touching anything WHITE because the kid may have wiped himself with it after masturbating? Lol