• Mon, Feb 10 - 12:00 pm ET

The 10 Worst Things My Brother Did Growing Up Because Brothers Are The Worst

broI never gave much thought to having sons, but now I have two boys with a guarantee of no daughters. (Thanks, vasectomy!) As I was recently taking a trip down memory lane, I realized just how horrific it was to grow up with a brother. Though my brother was the youngest kid with two older sisters, it still didn’t stop him from doing the most terrible of boy things.

When I put the stories together with stories my husband has told me of growing up in a house with three boys, I am legit skurred. There are 10 specific things my brother did as an adolescent that I hope my sons never dream of doing:

TRIGGER WARNING: BOYS ARE GROSS!

1. Public nose picking.

My brother used to always cough to get our attention to make sure we saw him pick his nose. Every. Damn. Time.

2. Got fired from his first job at Chuck E. Cheese.

The reason? He was wearing the Chuck E. costume and humping customers.

3. Peed in all of my sinks.

This happened when my brother had had too much to drink at a party at my apartment. He strategically peed in every single sink and made sure we all knew about it.

4. Antiqued me.

If you’re not familiar with antiquing, it is a fun party trick where you flash-throw water and then flour on the sleeping victim. In this particular instance, his “antiquing” glued both me and my dog’s eyes shut.

5. Tricked me into sleeping in a dirty bed.

I’ll spare you the majority of the details, but as a teen, my brother still had his old bunk beds. He let a bunch of rando dirty friends and vagrants sleep in his top bunk for months, on purpose. One night, he begged me to hang out with him and sleep in the top bunk. I was so flattered. The next morning, as I woke up, he laughed in my face.

6. Stole my Bring It On VHS.

He used to watch Bring It On secretly in his room in the basement, and now I think I know why…

7. Ate his own poop.

I don’t even want to talk or think about this, but it supposedly happened on a drunk dare.

8. Got a BUI.

Yes, it is possible to get a DUI on a bicycle, especially in Colorado. My brother is living proof.

9. Had inappropriate relations with all of my sister’s roommates.

This is another one I don’t want to think about, but let’s just say, his wandering eye caused my sister a lot of personal drama.

10. Bragged about “maxing out” my toilet.

His latest offense was when I saw him a few Thanksgivings ago. Even as a grown adult, he made sure to tell me that he “filled up my toilet to max capacity” after a big meal to check that it worked. Thanks, Bro.

NOTE: Despite his gross boyness, my brother is a really awesome person. If he ever finds this article in the vast sea of the Internet—just know that I love you, Brother! You’ve taught me how to take life less seriously.

(photo: Getty Images)

You can reach this post's author, Bethany Ramos, on twitter.
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  • Robotic Arms Dealer

    You don’t wanna know what he did with your Cabbage Patch Doll

    o_0

  • Sarah

    We didn’t have a lot of money growing up (single mom, five kids) and when I was 8 I got the dollhouse of my dreams for Christmas. The very next day, my brothers (then 6 and 15) rammed it with giant firetruck toys until it was literally in pieces. I still haven’t forgiven them. They’re monsters for that.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      Grrrrrrr

    • jane

      That is the saddest thing ever. I want to send you another dollhouse right now.

      Mommish collection plate – who’s in?

    • Bethany Ramos

      Yes!

    • Sarah

      I’m down. Honestly, I’d probably play the shit out of it.

  • Lee

    Ha! My brother got a BUI too.

    • Bethany Ramos

      OMG NO! This has to be a guy thing.

    • Bunny Lucia

      I don’t know about that. I met a girl in my swim class that got a BUI. She was amazed it was even a thing

    • Bethany Ramos

      I wasn’t there, but I always wondered how drunk you have to be on a bike to get caught…? I did know someone that got a DUI on a scooter in CO as well. :(

    • Lee

      My brother got stopped because he was in trouble with the cops in our town a lot. They watched for him knowing he was probably doing something wrong. I can’t tell you the amount of times I got pulled over for no reason driving the family car because the cops thought I might be him.

    • Tea

      I had to look up if this is a risk in my state. For… reasons.

    • Bethany Ramos

      EVERYONE must watch out! ;)

    • Lee

      I do believe he was riding my mom’s pink bike at the time also.

    • Bethany Ramos

      Hahaha

    • ted3553

      I know a guy who got a BUI and one who got a HUI?-drunk on a horse. seriously. My ex boyfriend also got fired for humping his buddy while they were dressed like characters for a store on the side of a busy road. Only boys.

    • Bethany Ramos

      I am dying!!!!

  • momjones

    My brother cut all the hair off my Ringo doll (this would be 1965). I found him in my bed with his little bald head sticking out, covered up to his chin with the bedspread. I sure wish I had that doll now.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      I am so jealous of your week and you know why. I will need many pics.

    • momjones

      I wish our other C could come too! I will take many pictures, and I am sure C will as well. I’m thinking I should write about it. Title: “What Made Me Think Taking 3 Adult Children On A Trip Would Be Easier Than Taking Them When They Were All Under 10?”…or something like that!

    • CMJ

      IHTM: I went to DisneyWorld with my adult children and lived to tell the tale.

    • AP

      Look it up on eBay, send the link to your brother, and tell him he OWES you the appreciated value.

  • Jessie

    Dear gods, this makes my older brother look TAME. All he did was run me over with his power wheel once, and then do the obligatory “beat up little sister and steal her toys” thing.

    • Guest

      This really does make me feel so much better about both my brothers. :-/

  • evilstepmom

    And this is yet another reason I am sooooo glad to be an only child. Yikes!

  • Guest

    I have three younger brothers (I’m the only girl), and they have never done any of this kind of stuff. Actually, having brothers was pretty great and even though we aren’t as “emotionally close” as sisters might be as grown-ups, they are still pretty awesome and we’re always there for each other. Also, it’s like have a three-guy comedy show all the time- can’t beat that for entertainment. :)

  • Danyelle

    These are hilarious. BTW I also live in CO and have a friend that was convicted of a BUI! It is possible and does happen.

    • darras

      Kinda glad that the worst that happens to you in the UK is a stern telling off from a policeman who will then watch you for a while to make sure you’re walking with your bike and not getting back on. MANY was the time I wove my way home through central London on a bike while a little spinny in the head. I blame studenty stupidity.

  • Tea

    Welcome to why I moved out of the dorms as soon as I could. Try being crammed into a hall with thirty of them.

    • guest

      Yes please!! I too, have a sister and she’s done some weird stuff lol!

    • Bethany Ramos

      He should submit!!

  • gothicgaelicgirl

    Yeah my brother once down a 2 litre carton of tropical juice beause he found out I wanted some.
    He then projectile vomited bright orange all over MY bed.

    I got revenge. I hid rib bones in his pillowcase so he woke to find all 8 of our cats patting his face and sitting on him

    We’re famous in the town for our pranks on each other lol

    • gothicgaelicgirl

      My mother always played the best pranks on him though lol
      She still declares the fake nappy as her “Moment of Glory”, with her Grudge prank a close second.
      How we’re not in therapy, I’ll never know lol

    • Alicia

      My brother drank a few cups of melted garlic butter when he was working at a chicken shop that sold Chicken Kiev’s. Needless to say, it didn’t stay down for long. Glad I wasn’t there to witness it!

    • gothicgaelicgirl

      LOL that is fantastic!!
      My mam let my bro watch the Grudge when he was about 12, she got sick of him complaining non stop that he hadn’t seen it, all his friends had, etc, so she gave in.
      He was TERRIFIED so my mother, in her infinite maternal wisdom, put on a long white nightgown and pulled her jet black hair over her face, waited til he was brushing his teeth and crawled up the stairs, making her voice creak and groan.
      He actually wet himself lol it was the best thing ever!

      She also terrified the life out of me, I had just started sleeping in my own bed aged 3 (Yup, slow to leave the ‘rents bed) and was JUST dropping off when this horrible smelly hairy warty hand crept up from under the bed and grabbed me.
      I screamed the house down, my mother broke her bollocks laughing. My father, not so impressed haha.

    • Alicia

      Oh my, your Mum is awesome!

    • gothicgaelicgirl

      LOL I love her to bits, she’s totally bonkers.
      Her very best was, she used to pretend to throw my baby brother’s dirty nappies at us when he was very very young. One day she was changing him and started chasing us with the nappy. We found refuge in the bathroom and tried to creep away.
      She pounced on my brother and rubbed the nappy all over his face, in his mouth and stood back and basked in her moment of glory.

      He was purple in the face, gagging until my mother revealed, with glee, that she had gotten a clean nappy and spread PEANUT BUTTER in it before chasing us.

      LOL to this day my brother cannot even SMELL peanut butter without going green.

  • http://www.gamedevwidow.weebly.com/ Theresa Edwards

    OMG I want to do a follow up post on all the ways my brother was a massive d-bag to me back in the day. It’s like a freaking art form to them.

    • Bethany Ramos

      You must!!

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      TOTALLY

  • ILoveJellybeans

    He got fired because he was humping customers at work? Ate his own poo?
    What?

  • darras

    Hahaaa! Your brother is hilarious! From the outside, to you he was a dick.
    I have four brothers, one of them found a half rotted horse skull on the moors and decided to leave it in my bed when I was twelve. Maggots and all :/

    • Guelettis

      Oh god… HOW did you sleep after that?

    • darras

      I didn’t, for a while! Still have somewhat odd horse head dreams on occasion..

    • Guelettis

      That is the worst thing. Grossness with a touch of trauma.

    • Bethany Ramos

      HOLY GOD!

    • cabecb

      You have moors?

    • darras

      I was about to make a quip there about Othello, but then realised it’d probably sound hideously racist. So I changed my mind! But yes, we do. He found that on Dartmoor.

  • Guelettis

    Wow. I guess I got lucky. My brother was more of an evil genius type and less of a massive douchebag type.

    None of my toys were destroyed or anything, but he went the route of turning my mother against me and looking like the golden child. To be fair though, it’s pretty impressive to convince your mother it was somehow your 11 year old sister’s fault that there’s porn all over the family computer.

    I was always shocked he didn’t go into politics.

  • libraryofbird

    I have 3 older brothers and they weren’t too bad, but my sister? Holy hell! Talk about psychological warfare.

  • Natasha B

    Good lord. The worst my little brother ever did was rip off a few Barbie heads, maybe. He was never a douche. He’s still pretty cool, we hang out a lot

  • ChickenKira

    Within the first couple of months of us dating my husband gleefully told me the story of the time he was drunk and was dared to eat a cigarette, so he ate the cigarette and vomited up the cigarette and the park we were driving past at the time was where it happened and he pointed out exactly where he vomited.

    My brother is much younger than me, so while he was living out these glorious years of teen boy idiocy I was living elsewhere. I missed the joy, apparently.

  • TheGiantPeach

    My brother was so disgusting growing up. Getting him to take a bath was like pulling teeth. He used to hock loogies, spit them into the air, and catch them in his mouth. I would gag every time. Also, we moved when I was about 13 and he was 12. When my dad moved his bed out of his room, there was a collection of hundreds of crusty boogers on the wall! OMG I was scarred for life after seeing that! These are the things I have to look forward to raising my son.

  • momma425

    My brother opened the bottom of my advent calendar, took the plastic part out and ate all of the chocolates, and then put the empty, chocolate-less plastic back in and folded over the cardboard. When I went to open December 1st- no chocolate. December 2nd? Nope. On December 7th I told my mom. He did the same thing to my sister.
    My brother threw up on me in the mini-van. Worst. Car. Ride. Ever.
    He had a house party when he was in high school. Mom and dad showed up home early, and when busted, my brother tried to blame me (despite the fact that I wasn’t home).
    He hit me in the head with his yo-yo while I was sleeping (I had the bottom bunk- what were mom and dad thinking?!).
    But then, he made up for it by baking “special” cookies just for me! Hahaha

    • Bethany Ramos

      LOL you have your own top 10 list!

    • Momma425

      Omg, I do!
      I forgot to add: popped heads off barbies, poured kechup down the neck, twisted their heads back on, and then threw them against the wall.
      Horrific!

    • Alicia

      O_o where do they come up with these ideas?!

  • jo

    Hahahaha omg hits way too close to home!!! Why do they have to be so gross?? And why do they always have to make sure we know about it? Lol

    • jo

      Oh and I should add that one of my roommates caught my brother googling “teacher sex videos” on her computer….love having those fetishes out in the open

    • Bethany Ramos

      WHAT!!!! Hahahah

  • FormerlyKnownAsWendy

    Anybody else’s brother give them swirlies? Oh, and they would take me out in the woods and tell me about the “other brother” we had that died out there before I was born that still haunts that woods to this very day. He even had a name, Gregory Steven. They were very f*ing convincing. They had my other sister believing he was buried in the fireplace for years.

  • Melissa

    Worst thing my older brother ever used to do to me was sit on me and fart. My little brother, 10 years younger than older bro and me, got it much worse from both of us. Once, when he was four, we pretended we were dead and kept it going until he grabbed the phone to call 911. We also convinced him a witch lived under our basement stairs. When he got too old to believe us any more, older bro hid under the stairs and when little bro ventured down to prove there was no witch, big bro did hideous witch cackle and little bro peed his pants and wouldn’t go back down there for years. Sisters can be evil too! He only still hates me a little bit.

    • Bethany Ramos

      Hahaha! My brother is younger than me. I should have used more scare tactics on him!

    • Guest

      My brother kept daring me to dial 911 (when the phone was off-old school landline) and then turned it on when I wasn’t looking so I accidentally called. I hung up. They called back. We didn’t answer. Dad was pissed.

    • Alicia

      My brothers did something similar. They were in the front lounge room calling 000 (I live in Australia) and hanging up. My mother was at the back of the house and answered the phone when they called back – she was not impressed and also embarrassed.

  • Maddi Holmes

    I’m the youngest child of 3. I have 2 brothers. Save me.

    • Maddi Holmes

      I JUST WATCHED ONE PICK HIS NOSE AND WIPE IT ON THE COUCH MAY THE LORD HAVE MERCY ON MY SOUL.

    • Bethany Ramos

      NOOO! That’s even more frightening. :)

    • Maddi Holmes

      Oh you have no idea. Not only are they disgusting, they’re also bigger than me and have that whole “age authority” thing going for them. It is awful.

  • CleaK

    My mother had three brothers and she could go on for ages about the awful things they did. Beat up dates, used her bras as slingshot, etc. The best story took place on a family road trip to Mexico. My family is Anglo (older brother is redheaded) but my mother had dark curly hair and brown eyes. After spending some time on a Mexican beach she had tanned dark. When they get to the border crossing my uncle tells the guard that she was a little Mexican girl that my grandparents had taken because they had always wanted a girl. It took sometime to sort out.

  • thefluter

    Ugh, my brothers would pin me to the ground and tickle me mercilessly. I still love them, though!

  • CV

    The farts! Oh my god, the farts! Why has no one mentioned THE FARTS!! My brother made it his life’s mission to perfect the craft of long, loud, sticking farts. The man is 32 years old and will still letr’ rip as soon as we are alone in a room or, god help me, a car.

  • Alicia

    My brothers are 3 and 7 years younger than me so I didn’t really have them playing pranks or anything. When Brother #1 was a baby I pulled down a hot iron onto his leg and burnt him. He still has the scar today (24ish years later). I also bit him a few times, one time it was quite hard so my mother bit me back as punishment and I never bit him again.

    Brother #2 went through a spitting phase when he was younger, probably around 8 or 9. If you did something he didn’t like, he’d spit at you OR chase you around the house with a metal baseball bat, he was a massive shithead. There were quite a few holes in the walls/doors from his rampages (and sometimes it was just his fists!).

    Thankfully he grew out of it and is now a great brother. Both of them are.

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