I never gave much thought to having sons, but now I have two boys with a guarantee of no daughters. (Thanks, vasectomy!) As I was recently taking a trip down memory lane, I realized just how horrific it was to grow up with a brother. Though my brother was the youngest kid with two older sisters, it still didn’t stop him from doing the most terrible of boy things.
When I put the stories together with stories my husband has told me of growing up in a house with three boys, I am legit skurred. There are 10 specific things my brother did as an adolescent that I hope my sons never dream of doing:
TRIGGER WARNING: BOYS ARE GROSS!
1. Public nose picking.
My brother used to always cough to get our attention to make sure we saw him pick his nose. Every. Damn. Time.
2. Got fired from his first job at Chuck E. Cheese.
The reason? He was wearing the Chuck E. costume and humping customers.
3. Peed in all of my sinks.
This happened when my brother had had too much to drink at a party at my apartment. He strategically peed in every single sink and made sure we all knew about it.
4. Antiqued me.
If you’re not familiar with antiquing, it is a fun party trick where you flash-throw water and then flour on the sleeping victim. In this particular instance, his “antiquing” glued both me and my dog’s eyes shut.
5. Tricked me into sleeping in a dirty bed.
I’ll spare you the majority of the details, but as a teen, my brother still had his old bunk beds. He let a bunch of rando dirty friends and vagrants sleep in his top bunk for months, on purpose. One night, he begged me to hang out with him and sleep in the top bunk. I was so flattered. The next morning, as I woke up, he laughed in my face.
6. Stole my Bring It On VHS.
He used to watch Bring It On secretly in his room in the basement, and now I think I know why…
7. Ate his own poop.
I don’t even want to talk or think about this, but it supposedly happened on a drunk dare.
8. Got a BUI.
Yes, it is possible to get a DUI on a bicycle, especially in Colorado. My brother is living proof.
9. Had inappropriate relations with all of my sister’s roommates.
This is another one I don’t want to think about, but let’s just say, his wandering eye caused my sister a lot of personal drama.
10. Bragged about “maxing out” my toilet.
His latest offense was when I saw him a few Thanksgivings ago. Even as a grown adult, he made sure to tell me that he “filled up my toilet to max capacity” after a big meal to check that it worked. Thanks, Bro.
NOTE: Despite his gross boyness, my brother is a really awesome person. If he ever finds this article in the vast sea of the Internet—just know that I love you, Brother! You’ve taught me how to take life less seriously.
(photo: Getty Images)