8 Of The Most Disturbing Valentine’s Day Sex Toys You Should Never Give Anyone (NSFW)

Sex toys are super fun but I think most of us can agree that there are some things we don’t want anywhere near our lady parts. I guess sexy is pretty subjective, but I can confidently assert that there are several items that if given to me as a gift by a lover would shutter my fun box for good.

If any of you gets one of the following sex toys for Valentine’s Day, I suggest you run swiftly out the door and into the arms of someone who actually knows what sexy is.

1. Scorpion/Coffin Horror-Show Vibrator



Nothing says sexy like a scorpion crawling out of a coffin.

2. Jesus’ Feet All Up In Your Vagina 




“Jesus was a carpenter, now he’s the powertool.
He’s the baddest and the best in all of Nazareth.
The Jackhammer Jesus has just one safety rule:
Feet first, feet first, not the head, ya fool.”

I’ve got nothing to add to that.

3. The “I Really Don’t Like You” Vibrator



Um, I think the message you’re looking for is “I want to f*ck you,” not “F*ck off.”

4. You Can Never Have Too Much Of A Good Thing!



Or can you? This pinwheel of tongues will haunt your dreams.

5. No Kitty, NOOOO



Hello Kitty is not sexy. I repeat, Hello Kitty is not sexy.

6. Zombie Dildo, ‘Nuff Said

Screen Shot 2014-02-06 at 10.40.14 AM


It’s Night Of The Living Dead all up in your vagina! Doesn’t that sound like a party? Oh, wait – the instructions on the website say, “Dildo is intended for external use only.” This dildo is disgusting and confusing.

7. Cornucopiacrotchweapon



I just… I can’t. I’ll never look at corn on the cob the same again. Not every phallic item needs to be made into a dildo. Here’s proof.

8. My Vibrator’s Yelling At Me



This one yells at you in a man’s voice, giving various reasons why it can’t perform. It also glares at your vagina angrily. Wow – that is HOT:

“Go away, I’ve got a headache”

“Mmm, you’re looking cute tonight honey”

“Sorry, I have to get up early tomorrow”
“Hell, can’t you get a real man?”

These are really the phrases this thing spouts out. Who thought of this? My vagina doesn’t want to be yelled at.

(feature image: Getty Images)

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  • ShanLea

    I’m suddenly not feeling so bad about not getting any Valentines presents…it could always be worse!

  • Bethany Ramos

    JACKHAMMER JESUS!!! There are just so many things that I can’t look away from…

    • meBhung

      You know you want it,

  • http://www.gamedevwidow.weebly.com/ Theresa Edwards
  • Kay_Sue

    Dear lord, that Jesus one…WTF, people? WTF?

    • Psych Student

      You might not want to know this but people who sell the Jesus one sell a lot more choices as well. Let’s just say, you can stick any religion up where you want.

    • Kay_Sue

      Well, I do like having options. Is Odin available? Or Thor? ;)

    • Psych Student

      Unfortunately they do not. I feel offended and robbed! I demand more choices!! :}

    • Kay_Sue

      I feel like my religious freedom has been seriously infringed upon. *sighs*

  • Julia Sonenshein

    I literally cannot stop doing defensive kegels.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter


    • http://www.gamedevwidow.weebly.com/ Theresa Edwards

      I feel like there should be a defensive kegels class that someone teaches. “How to Clench Your Way Out Of Uncomfortable Situations” just for posts like this one.

    • Julia Sonenshein

      I would clench the hell out of that!

    • Jessie

      *Hands over the Comment Gold Star* You just made me spit coffee all over my screen, thank you!

    • Julia Sonenshein

      thank YOU! I’ll wear it with a sense of responsibility.

    • Maria Guido

      OH my god. hahahahahah

    • Robotic Arms Dealer

      For the uninformed, what’s a kegel?

    • Itpainsmetosay

      Vaginal exercises. They are done after you have a baby to tighten everything back up and for people who have poor bladder control.

    • meBhung

      they dont work, someone came up with it to make a woman feel better about herself.

    • Itpainsmetosay

      Its one of the recommended solutions for women how pee when they laugh. Why would someone make up muscles for helping with bladder control? In what way does that make women feel better about themselves?

    • meBhung

      Responding to the comment to tighten everything back up.

    • Itpainsmetosay

      I don’t think you understand that if what I said was wrong about one thing it was wrong about both. Kegels are exercises to tighten vaginal muscles, end of story they exist and work for many people. Some people need them for bladder control and some need them for varied issues after birth. Its not just for vanity, that’s why doctors recommend doing them.

  • Lee

    I am dying at the corn. I was kind of hoping to open this and see a picture of a power drill.

  • Rachel Sea

    There is a fetish for everything.

  • NotTakenNotAvailable

    After seeing # 2, all I could hear was Mercedes McCambridge’s voice in The Exorcist bellowing, “LET JESUS FUCK YOU!” And now I actually want Seizing Death Throes Jesus for Valentine’s Day, because the porn parody just wrote itself.

  • gothicgaelicgirl

    I’d totally get the zombie one just to leave it on the coffee table =P

  • RayneofCastamere

    Oh wow, #7.


  • Michelle

    The zombie one is very creepy, but just FYI it’s not meant for the ladies – it’s a flesh light.

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