Sex toys are super fun but I think most of us can agree that there are some things we don’t want anywhere near our lady parts. I guess sexy is pretty subjective, but I can confidently assert that there are several items that if given to me as a gift by a lover would shutter my fun box for good.

If any of you gets one of the following sex toys for Valentine’s Day, I suggest you run swiftly out the door and into the arms of someone who actually knows what sexy is.

1. Scorpion/Coffin Horror-Show Vibrator

ku-medium

lovehoney.com

Nothing says sexy like a scorpion crawling out of a coffin.

2. Jesus’ Feet All Up In Your Vagina 

JesusFrontMed

divineinterventions.com

 

“Jesus was a carpenter, now he’s the powertool.
He’s the baddest and the best in all of Nazareth.
The Jackhammer Jesus has just one safety rule:
Feet first, feet first, not the head, ya fool.”

I’ve got nothing to add to that.

3. The “I Really Don’t Like You” Vibrator

middle-finger-vibe

nerdapproved.com

Um, I think the message you’re looking for is “I want to f*ck you,” not “F*ck off.”

4. You Can Never Have Too Much Of A Good Thing!

3775-a-sqweel-2-black

babeland.com

Or can you? This pinwheel of tongues will haunt your dreams.

5. No Kitty, NOOOO

GW270H270

hellokittyuniverse.com

Hello Kitty is not sexy. I repeat, Hello Kitty is not sexy.

6. Zombie Dildo, ‘Nuff Said

Screen Shot 2014-02-06 at 10.40.14 AM

fleshlight.com

It’s Night Of The Living Dead all up in your vagina! Doesn’t that sound like a party? Oh, wait – the instructions on the website say, “Dildo is intended for external use only.” This dildo is disgusting and confusing.

7. Cornucopiacrotchweapon

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amazon.com

I just… I can’t. I’ll never look at corn on the cob the same again. Not every phallic item needs to be made into a dildo. Here’s proof.

8. My Vibrator’s Yelling At Me

bad-vibrations-vibrator

boxergifts.com

This one yells at you in a man’s voice, giving various reasons why it can’t perform. It also glares at your vagina angrily. Wow – that is HOT:

“Go away, I’ve got a headache”

“Mmm, you’re looking cute tonight honey”

“Sorry, I have to get up early tomorrow”
“Hell, can’t you get a real man?”

These are really the phrases this thing spouts out. Who thought of this? My vagina doesn’t want to be yelled at.

(feature image: Getty Images)