Screen Shot 2014-02-06 at 2.50.55 PMWhoever designed the algorithm that carefully pulls images and posts from your timeline to make a sort of “life in pictures” documentary of the stuff you chose to share on Facebook should be fired. I watched my “Look Back” video yesterday, and all I could think was, “Am I that boring?”

I joined Facebook in 2007. I had my first child at the end of 2010. The first years I spent on Facebook before I had children virtually disappeared. There were a few photos of my husband and I, a few photos of the kids – and a collage of my husband and the kids. Apparently, I’m one of those people who only takes pictures of her family. There was no trace of my sister or any of my best friends – it was downright depressing.

Facebook, I didn’t really need to know how insular my life was – so thanks for nothing. If my life was so fabulously exciting I wouldn’t even be spending time online at all. This whole idea is just stupid. It’s even worse when you compare your life to people that you know who actually aren’t dull. The magnificence of those people’s lives are magnified by 1000 in these things; Oh look. Lisa’s movie had The Great Pyramids of Giza, The Great Wall of China, swimming with dolphins, and George Clooney in it. All of my photos were taken at the playground.

Also, these movies kind of serve as a litmus of how important you are to somebody. Whenever one of my friends posts their video all I can think is, “I wonder if I’m in it?” The answer to that is no, I’m not. Is anyone surprised? Clearly I’m too busy photographing my family and being dull to be involved in anyone else’s life anyway.

Moving collages with sappy music are the worst. It would have been a little more interesting if they could have picked up on your favorite band and used that – we all know Facebook knows everything there is to know about us anyway. Are you actually telling me I can surf the web for a sofa and that sofa can appear in an ad on my timeline in two-point-five seconds, yet Facebook somehow doesn’t know that I love Billie Holiday? Bullshit.

I’m not looking at any more of these. If you haven’t seen yours yet – save yourself. Unless you’ve spent a lot of time swimming with dolphins.

(photo: Facebook)