If One More Person Asks Me When I’m Going to ‘Try For A Girl’ I Will Lose It


86063074Before I even tried to get pregnant, I had an idea of the ideal family- one girl, one boy. Then infertility slapped me in the face and all I desperately wanted was just one healthy baby. I must have done something amazing in a past life, because I hit the jackpot and got pregnant with two boys. While pregnant friends and strangers would ask what I was having and the news was often met with disappointment. “Too bad it’s not one girl, one boy,” they’d say, “Then you would be done having kids.” Even then, hearing this made me want to punch something, since it felt like they were saying the two wee penises I had fought so hard for were somehow inadequate. At the time I chalked my rage up to momma bear hormones.

Other people seemed to think girls have cooties. We got many comments like, “Atta boy!” as though my husband had done something particular virile by producing more men. We heard things like, “your husband must be so thrilled/relieved.” Why would having a girl be any less cause for celebration? I know plenty of guys who love having daughters. I consider myself a feminist, and find it frustrating that males are still perceived by some as the preferred gender when pregnant.


My boys just turned one and friends, extended family and perfect strangers are asking me when I’m going to “try for a girl”. The question of more kids in general is a trigger for me anyway, because of the infertility and complications I had during my pregnancy. But beyond those hang-ups, I still see red at the suggestion that my family is somehow incomplete or imperfect without another female.

I’m often asked, “But who will you go to the spa/watch TV/go to the mall with if you don’t have a daughter? “  I won’t be a lonely middle-aged lady with a female teacup dog as her only companion simply because I don’t have a daughter.

I don’t consider it a crime against parenting to spend time with my adult girlfriends.   I’ll be perfectly happy watching reality TV by myself, enjoying the quiet and loving not having to share my popcorn. And why is it so impossible to fathom that guys like shopping? Both my husband and stepdad go to the mall and growing up, my little sister would look to him to pick out clothes for her because she liked his choices.


Another popular comment is “Your boys need a little sister to soften them up.” I hate broad gender stereotypes like this. Girls aren’t always quiet and soft, nor should they be. My sister jumped off roofs and punched boys in the nose as a little girl, while wearing pigtails and purple.  My husband isn’t a “sports” guy beyond watching the Olympics, but even if he was a UFC fighter I like to think that we could raise sensitive, non-barbaric sons without the help of a baby girl.

But by far the worst thing I’ve heard is, “A son will leave you but a daughter stays with you forever.”

I’m not planning on getting into a game of “You’ll never love him as well as I do” with any future daughter-in-law or son-in-law I may have and in no way do I want to be like that creepy mom from that kids book  Love You Forever who climbs into her adult son’s window to sing him to sleep. But I do believe it is possible for adult sons to have close relationships with their mothers that don’t compete or interfere with the relationship they have with a partner and I’m going to try my best to find that happy place.


The whole “your sons are going to abandon you” scare tactic aside, this comment raises my hackles because there is no guarantee that an adult mother-daughter relationship will be healthy. Personally, I am lucky to have a good relationship with my mom, but all relationships; ours included, have their friction areas. I know many mother-daughter combos that don’t get along or don’t speak at all, some because of the mom’s actions, some because of the daughter’s.

All these unsolicited nudges to keep trying until we get a girl make me defensive of the family I am lucky enough to have, the kids that were never a guarantee in the first place. I love having sons. Call me shallow, but I like knowing that I won’t have to share my makeup and that I’ll never have to shell out mega bucks for a prom dress.

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  • Margie

    Man, I hear ya. We never had infertility issues, but we do have 2 boys. I’ve had a few nosy neighbours ask when we’re having a girl. Considering I just decided to get my tubes tied, probably not going to happen. I love my 2 boys and while it might be fun have a girl too, I know I would be heart broken if we had another boy, so that pretty much answers it for me.

  • ted3553

    what???sons won’t leave you will they? I made up a song when mine was a new baby about how he’ll be my best friend forever. I sing it all the time.
    I am perfectly happy not having a girl and would be a little shocked at someone being so presumptuous as to ask when I’ll have a girl.

    • Mystik Spiral

      I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters, and we all have a pretty good relationship with our mother. My brothers are not and have never been “mama’s boys”, but they are ALWAYS there to help out when she needs some brute strength. And they’re all married. Such a bogus idea/stereotype/whatever that your son will “leave you” if and when he gets married. *eyeroll*

    • ted3553

      some people are ridiculous. I hope my son leaves me physically when he gets married-hopefully even before that. I’m having difficulty getting a step daughter out the door right now, I better not have my son and his wife living in my house. I have plans.

  • kay

    Two sisters who babysat me as a child both have giant families. One had 5 girls before having a boy, the other had 4 boys before having a girl. That’s a lot of babies in an effort to get both flavors.

    (Once they’d each hit four my mom suggested if they really wanted both sexes they could just trade instead. )

  • whiteroses

    Everyone’s always telling me that I’ll have a new perspective on parenting “when I have my girl”. I would love to have a daughter someday just for the experience, but if my son is an indication of the kind of boys DH and I produce, I am all about having six or eight more of them. He’s awesome.

    Having a boy doesn’t make me any less of a mom, and I don’t think he’d be deprived if he never had a sister- because he wouldn’t know the difference. And just for the record- if you’re lucky, your kids (irrespective of gender) eventually move out. Kind of the whole point of parenting. Hopefully, once my son grows up he’ll still think I’m pretty cool. But a son can be as close to you as a daughter can be.

    • OhHeyDelilah

      I’m sort of having a similar experience – in that, we’re only planning to have one kid. People keep telling me that I’ll change my mind once the baby gets here – and following it with that smug, knowing look. It makes me SO irrationally irritated. Why do people insist on trying to force everyone to have an identical experience to them, in terms of number of kids/gender of kids/how you give birth/whether you breastfeed/blah blah blah? It is seriously depressing. Even my gorgeous and lovely mother has started saying ‘When you have the next one … ‘ even though I’ve told her a million times we’re only having one.

    • whiteroses

      Just ask them if they’re willing to pay for the second kid.

      We want another one, then we’re done, regardless of gender. My husband is the oldest of four. I’m an only child. I’d like our son to have a sibling because of how I grew up- and my husband, an observant Catholic, only wants two kids for the same reason.

      We’re currently going through some issues with my mothers family. I won’t go into them here. Suffice it to say- when it comes to dividing my grandmothers stuff, my grandmother has three kids who all want to be considered, with her two boys howling the loudest about how they want their fair share. When it comes to actually taking care of my grandmother, my moms an only child and my uncles are nowhere to be found. That’s pretty illuminating, I think. Kids aren’t a guarantee of anything. You can have dozens of kids and raise them the best you can, but that doesn’t mean they won’t be jerks when they grow up despite your best efforts.

    • OhHeyDelilah

      Spot on. My parents both had the same experience when it came to looking after their ailing parents and dealing with their estates after they passed. Despite both my parents having two siblings, they were pretty much left alone to do all the unpleasant stuff until it came time to dole out the money. Having a set number of kids or kids of a certain gender is no guarantee of anything at all. Oh, and yep – I’ve done the whole ‘Sure, if you want to pay for a second kid’ joke – but people then say inane things like ‘You shouldn’t make decisions about your family based on something like money.’ Er, really? Last time I checked, having kids was pretty expensive – so how am I going to fund this dream family you keep telling me to have?

    • Lauren Victoria

      Yes!! Same here!! I’m pregnant with my first child and luckily got what I wanted, a girl, and I already have people saying so when will you try for baby #2? Can I enjoy this one first?? And when I tell them I may be one and done it’s like I’ve just told them I plan to let wolves raise my baby. Oh well people!! Get over it!!

  • Bianca

    The saying is “a daughter is a daughter for life, a son is a son until he takes a wife”. In my own experience, with my husband, his sisters, and myself being an only child, this has been true. But I am smart enough to know that this is not always the case, ofcourse.

    • brebay

      That’s as outdated as “taking a wife” :) No, I know some people for whom this is true. In my family, it’s the opposite. I think children are generally more forgiving of the opposite-sex parent because they aren’t measuring themselves against them. My mom was a horrible bitch, my brothers still see her regularly, still try to please her, still never will.

    • Guest

      Personally, my husband has been closer to his parents then before he got married so I find that old saying funny. This is where personality and opportunity make a difference. My SILs are close to my MIL but both moved across the country and in my family I know my brothers would never move far from my parents where I would. Different strokes for different folks.

    • Toaster

      Does that mean if my son takes a husband instead of a wife I get to keep him?

    • brebay

      Eh, I’ll get judged for this but, seriously, when they were little, I wished one or both of my sons were gay because I’ve heard that stupid old saying so many times it had me worried. I don’t worry so much now that they’re older. They’ll do what they do, I’ll do what I do, families can stay close in different ways.

    • http://wtfihaveakid.blogspot.ca/ jendra_berri

      I would kinda love a gay son so (selfishly) I can be the number one lady in his life forever. I say this mostly tongue in cheek ;)

  • Jaclyn

    I also struggled with infertility and had to do IVF. With my first pregnancy, I desperately wanted a girl and was a bit disappointed to find out I was having a boy at my 20 week ultrasound. Then, at my check-up 4 weeks later, we found out that we had lost our son. When I finally got pregnant again, I did have a daughter (and in fact, just 8 weeks ago, I had a second daughter), but I could absolutely, genuinely say that with both of my daughters, I really did only care about them being healthy. When you have trouble even getting pregnant to begin with, and then especially after losing a baby, you don’t even consider gender anymore. Healthy, happy baby. That was all I cared about. Luckily, with my second daughter, everyone knew better than to ask me if I was hoping for a boy this time. They all knew better.

  • Lilly

    I always laugh at the try until you get the other sex because I always think of a woman that my husband worked with. she had 3 boys, tried “one last time” for a girl and got twin boys aka nature has a cruel sense of humour.

  • MerlePerle

    We have one of each, but even before we found out number 2 was a boy we always knew 2 kids was the limit. Before that we would’ve been perfectly happy with only having a girl. I’ll admit I’m glad we have both.
    In my experience, most people congratulated us on having a boy because we now got one of each, not because a girl was worth less.

  • Kara

    This article couldn’t have come at a better time. I’m pregnant with my 4th, I have had three girls so far and am constantly being bombarded with texts and phone calls from my husbands family asking if I am having a boy yet. I’m sick of it! My first daughter passed away as an infant so honestly just having a live healthy baby would be awesome, I couldn’t care less whats betwen it’s legs.

  • Bethany Ramos

    I did want a daughter, but I have struggled with many of the same body and self-esteem issues that you have. Once my fate was sealed and I had two boys, I was like, YAY, now I can focus on the boy train without having to worry about girl problems. I’m still dealing with female self-confidence for myself. :-)

    • http://wtfihaveakid.blogspot.ca/ jendra_berri

      I really wanted a girl, had a boy and am done. My new interest is in putting an excellent man into the world. He’s already a total angel puff. Wouldn’t trade him for any girl <3

    • Bethany Ramos

      I feel the same! :)

  • aCongaLine

    We’ve got two girls, and people are always asking us when we’re going to give them a little brother. Our response is always “Well, you get what you get.”

    • Remember Me, or else!

      Next time, say “S T F U”

  • FormerlyKnownAsWendy

    Some of this stuff where the people come off sounding sexist can just be attributed to small talk. Oh, you said you’re having a boy, better make some comment about who needs a girl anyway. Half of what I think we attribute as insensitive is just people not knowing what to say. I’m starting to feel like anything I say is going to piss off someone somewhere (this comment probably will, for example).

    At least they’re happy for you. I had a friend who when I told her I was pregnant responded with something along the lines of, “Well, I don’t like children, so I’m not going to pretend to be excited about it.” As long as they are *trying* to say something nice, I think we should appreciate it.

    • Megan Zander

      True. when it comes to strangers who don’t know about my fertility issues, I completely agree with you, and appreciate the effort to say something nice. I think the worst reaction I’ve had was when I called my BFF and told her I was pregnant with two boys and she said “Ugh, well you may as well go throw yourself off a bridge right now!” I know she was ( mostly) kidding.Thankfully for her, she is pregnant with her first- a girl.

    • Lauren Victoria

      Hey I love those boys!!!! You have to tell these people about my two insane, close in age brothers that are the reason for my irrational fear of boys. Your boys will be upstanding gentlemen!!

    • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

      You have a good point, I agree that most people don’t really think about it or mean it badly. But I also think it says a lot about our society’s attitudes about gender in general that saying this stuff is considered “small talk.”

    • Whatwhatque

      I do agree that as a person who doesn’t have/want kids, I have to kind of dig for the right things to say…I always ask “boy or girl” but why?! There is almost no reason I would need to know this information and it wouldn’t affect how I interacted with the kid aside from saying he or she. I like to think I would never bug someone about their future plans or desire to have a boy or girl unless it came up organically but I could also see encountering a pregnant person with 4 girls and saying something like “oh I bet you hope this one’s a boy!” just because that seems like something people say even though it’s totally dumb.

    • FormerlyKnownAsWendy

      Yep. I don’t think it’s as malicious as people jump to thinking. It’s just people looking for something to say. :)

  • LadyClodia

    We have two boys 3 years apart, and we didn’t have an easy time having them. I did want a girl, and was a little bummed when I found out that our second was also a boy, but I got over myself. Even before he was born, though, people would comment that we’d have to start trying for a girl after he was born. Usually I would say something about the doctors saying they didn’t think we’d be able to have any more kids even before we got pregnant with our second due to my husband’s medical crisis/condition at the time. That usually shut them up, and I haven’t had anyone I know comment about it in a long time.

    I always liked boys and girls stuff growing up, and I’m a pretty big nerd, so it’s not like I’m completely lost having boys. Now we just want to make sure that we raise two well-rounded people.

  • brebay

    To be honest, I like that I can joke about my cellulite, put on makeup, color my greys, or put shorts over my swimsuit without worrying about the subliminal message I’m sending a female child. Of course a mother models a lot of behaviors for her sons, but they aren’t measuring themselves by you physically like girls are. And as for boys leaving and girls sticking around, that’s a bit antiquated. Some kids stay close to home, some take off and come back once a year. That has more to do with family dynamic and personality than it does with gender.

    • Katia

      Yeah I disagree with you and the author. Even of there is no daughter around to hear, we should always be mindful of saying these things. How do you think these things (in brief, high standards for women’s appearances and presentation) are perpetuated over generations? Or maybe you don’t care about the morality because all that matters is that *you* are not damaging your own child’s self esteem or altering their body image. But talk like that and your son may resent you when he falls in love with a girl with cellulite. Aside from that, yes we should all wear shorts over swimsuits, especially if we are swimming without enough advance notification to shave our bikini lines.
      Another thing, probably a personal pet peeve but noone should talk about their cellulite unless its actually relevant to the conversation or perhaps you have some true anxiety about it and want to unload. Otherwise there are sooooo many things that are more interesting to say. Being obsessed with your own looks is narcissistic, talking about it is rarely amusing.

      (This isn’t all for the poster above, no offence intended to her.)

  • Harriet Meadow

    What a great article. I just have one boy for now, but my husband and I are planning for one more kid. There is tons of pressure from his side of the family for us to have a girl, since there are no fewer than 8 (!) boys in my son’s generation, but no girls. Here’s the thing: I’d love to have a girl, but I’d also really love to have another boy, because I think it’d be fun for our little one to have a brother. In other words, I’d be happy either way, and I don’t think our family would be incomplete if we had two boys and no girls. But my husband’s siblings seem to think that their family won’t be complete without a girl, which is why they keep popping them out (his brother and his wife are going to have their 5th boy in April, and their oldest is 7. Meanwhile, his sister, who is due in May with her second boy, was so set on having a girl that she bought a bunch of “girl” clothes and was bawling when she found out it was a boy). I just don’t get it. Why does it matter what sex your baby is?

    • brebay

      Ugh! I don’t know why people even bother to “pressure” you into something over which you have no control! It’s bad enough to pressure someone into having kids, but when people comment about which gender the want someone else to have it’s just WTF? What do they expect you to do about it? Or are they just letting you know that they’ll be disappointed if you have a beautiful, healthy baby boy?

    • Harriet Meadow

      I know, right?

    • SNOWSCAS81

      That’s sad about your SIL crying over having another boy. There are many people who have infertility isues and would love a child regardless of what sex it is. I feel bad for your little nephew who hasn’t even been born yet and has already seemed to “fail” his mother simply for being the wrong sex. I hope that her reaction was mostly hormones and she doesn’t resent him his whole life. He doesn’t deserve that. :-( P.S. I’m sorry if I’m being harsh here but I don’t understand people with that mentality.

    • Harriet Meadow

      I don’t think you’re being harsh. I feel exactly the same way.

    • Crushlily

      My partner’s family has 5 boys and no girls in my son’s generation. Our second is due in a few weeks (eek) and we decided not to find out the sex since it will probably be a boy anyway and we figured we didn’t care since it will be a completely different child, regardless of its sex. My MIL wants a girl grandchild desperately because she has no relationship with her daughter so no-one to leave her jewellery to at present. There isn’t really a competition going for the girl like your family, we all agree it’s probably best if the female line doesn’t continue, since the current women in that family are NUTS.

    • bl

      No one to leave her jewelry to?? Never heard that one before. Even if I had a collection to rival the crown jewels, I can’t imagine caring that it left the bloodline when I died. I’d leave it to my sons or daughters-in-law. They can leave it to great-granddaughters if they eventually exist. Though I think I’d also include a note in my will reminding them to enjoy and get a fair price if they decide to sell it.

    • whiteroses

      Granddaughters in law would be awesome in that capacity :) Honestly, if the only reason she wants a girl is to leave her jewelry to someone, you might want to bring up the fact that any hypothetical granddaughter may not even WANT her jewelry.

    • whiteroses

      My in laws were pissed when they found out I was having a boy. My husband was thrilled, but my SILs have pretty much chosen to ignore my son, and if you were to ask one of them if she has nieces and nephews, she’ll say she has three nieces.

      As far as I’m concerned, that’s fine. If they’re going to pretend he doesn’t exist because he has a penis, that’s on them. My son has quite a few aunties, and none of them are biologically related to him. I’d rather he not know them if that’s the way they’re going to act.

    • http://ichasekids.com/ Litterboxjen

      That is very weird. I’m sorry you’re going through that.

    • whiteroses

      To be honest, it doesn’t bother me that much. My son won’t be hanging around with them unless they change their tunes, so no big deal. They don’t show much interest in him so he doesn’t know what he’s missing. One of his aunts hasn’t acknowledged any of his holidays or any of his milestones. That’s not an aunt, IMHO.

      My son has his Auntie Nina, Auntie Kay, Auntie Rose, Auntie Jenny, and Auntie Tiff among others. They love him, and he knows it. How many blonde haired, blue eyed kids have a collection of multicultural aunties who would do anything for him? He’s lucky as far as I can see :)

      Biology can go f itself.

    • Guest

      Why do they hate boys? Especially when they already have several little girls???

    • whiteroses

      God knows- especially because their brother was responsible for the fact that my son is my son and not my daughter.

  • Hibbie

    I get the same type of irritating questions and stereotypes except they are aimed at the dreaded “only child syndrome.” Gasp!

    Your boys will be just fine, sister or no sister. They seem to have a pretty cool Mom!

    • Megan Zander

      Why thank you!

    • http://mother--bored.tumblr.com/ Aimee Ogden

      Oh man, when we were only hoping for one kid before the twins, I was sooooo sick of being told that my kid would be congenitally selfish and lonely. Sorry you have to put up with that nonsense forever. :/

  • Rachel Sea

    I have a decent relationship with my mom…because I speak to her about once a month, and see her about once every three to six months. We only live about an hour apart, and we work in the same town, but there is very much about which we will never see eye to eye.

    Having a daughter is less than no guarantee of having a close relationship.

  • http://mother--bored.tumblr.com/ Aimee Ogden

    With our twins we got the same kind of things and it was SO annoying. “A boy AND a girl? Oh, good, that means you can stop now if you want to.” Yes, because if our original plan of stopping after one kid had worked out, our family would have been horribly flawed forever. I also went through a spell of infertility (thanks for babies, Science!) and just having kids at all is so great, I don’t know why people have to be so concerned about their genitals!

    Also that “girls stay with you foreverrrrr” thing – what kind of creepy Carrie’s-mother business is that?!

    • JLH1986

      ha ha. I told the hubs if we can get pregnant we’re having 2. 2 boys, 2 girls, one of each I don’t care. We’ve been struggling to conceive so at this point I’ll take one of whatever!

  • Guest

    I try not to open my mouth about gender at all other than to say “Congratulations!” I’ve met so many folks who tried so hard just to have a baby that I would never offend them by making it seem like they could “just keep trying” for a different gender if they wanted. I also know many people that were so opposed to having another boy/girl but got one that it was a sensitive subject for them to even discuss.

  • Sam Inoue

    Oh god that creepy book! The first time I read it, my niece and I laughed so hard at the idea of stalking your kids beng like this romantic notion, when kids are grown they can have space.
    Also I know all three of my kids will love me and be there for me, both the boy and the girl.

  • CallieAnna

    At my sister and BIL’s wedding, the Best Man was giving his speech (older brother to my BIL). Best Man has 3 lovely daughters. Practically his ENTIRE speech was how my BIL needed to have boys, because Best Man hadn’t had any. It was totally bizarre. My sister and BIL currently have 2 little boys, and his family just celebrates and hollers and rejoices that they’re boys!!! I do not get it, but that family just ADORES boys. I feel sorry for the 3 little girls, they’re 9 and 7 and 5 now and I wonder if they feel like they’re not as special to their grandparents as my little nephews are. It makes me sad.

  • Véronique Houde

    It annoys me so much when people ask what my second is, and when I tell them, they respond with “OH! That’s great! Now you have the set!” Yes… I now have a salt and pepper sibling combo… I never really cared about having one child of each. It bothered me when my father in law answered when he found out that I was pregnant “let’s hope it’s a boy!!” I mean, if it were a girl, you would love her just as much so STFU.

  • Andeli63

    I have four boys (17, 16, 12, 8) and STILL get the occasional, gonna try for a girl? When it happens, I point to my #3 ’cause he was the try and #4 was the surprise.
    And that book, omg that book! Love You Forever– My MIL gave it to my husband when our first was born and eeewww, creepy! The other one he raised his eyebrows at was The Runaway Bunny– “Why doesn’t she just leave him alone??”

    I have 3 nieces, one from each sister and a SIL, and LOVE to take them shopping, for manicures, etc, and I am ready and willing to pitch in a little for a prom dress if they take me shopping with them, but most days I am glad that it’s not my lot in life. Boys are great, you still get some drama and sometimes it’s hard to get them to open up, but when they do, it is so awesome. Oh and I have sooo many hand-me-downs it’s not even funny so when my 4th puts on something my 1st once wore, it is absolutely adorable and he thinks it’s cool, too. So yeah, everyone that thinks you need one of each to feel “fulfilled” or “complete” or whatever? suck it. All boys or all girls is awesome.

    Honestly, I’m looking forward to the nest emptying a little in the
    next 3 years, and once they are all gone, I just want to travel
    everywhere with no kids in tow! Abandon away, boys! I’ll call you when
    we need to move the furniture!

    • Allyson_et_al

      I Love You Forever is the creepiest book ever written! My 10-year-old son and I have a running joke about it. I say I’m going to get a ladder when he turns 40 (the better to sneak into his house and rock him in his sleep, of course!), and he responds that he’s getting a restraining order. Yeah, he and I share an odd sense of humor.

  • http://wtfihaveakid.blogspot.ca/ jendra_berri

    I know a family of six boys. They’re a happy crew. I know of another family that actively did try for a girl, when they would’ve stopped already. Hectic house and the girl was no softening influence. She gets physical.
    Everyone thinks they get a say in your family size. Only the people who have had two, a boy and a girl, appear immune.

    • dy

      I have a second cousin who has been trying forever to get a boy. They finally decided that after 5 girls, maybe they would just stop.
      My great-great grandparents desperately wanted a girl, and they stopped when my great grandmother was finally born. She was baby #16. Yikes.

    • whiteroses

      That’s confusing as all get out to me. A girl is no guarantee that she’ll like girly things. Wow.

    • OhHeyDelilah

      HAHAHA nope, I have friends who think it’s important to have the boy and girl in a specific order (like, ‘It’s better to have a boy first so he can look after his little sister’ or ‘It’s better to have a girl first so that your son will have a positive female role model’). I wish people had something better to do that make endless enquiries about other people’s reproductive plans. Ugh.

    • http://ichasekids.com/ Litterboxjen

      Hah, when I got pregnant, my husband said he sort of wished we were having a boy first, so that he could then look after his potential future little sister. I asked, “Y’mean like your nephew, whose favourite game is bonk baby?” He clarified he meant down the line, when they were both older. Well, niece and nephew are older now, and nephew seems to spend an awful lot of time beating up niece or getting her riled up when I see them together.

    • Guest

      I hate the have a boy first to “take care of his sister” as if girls just can’t fend for themselves or take care of their brothers.

    • http://ichasekids.com/ Litterboxjen

      Yeah, I thought it was somewhat throw-backy of my husband to say (who’s otherwise pretty on board with equality — and he agrees with me about not overly girlifying our kid). We’re teaching her to be ‘tough’, but also allowing her to feel her emotions — and it’s my hope that any future boys we might have be raised the same way.

      (One of the things she repeats whenever she’s carrying big things around or walking up stairs is “big, strong! big, strong”! Sometimes I’m told I’m “big strong” too, which is very kind of her. ;)

    • http://wtfihaveakid.blogspot.ca/ jendra_berri

      Good grief… but how on earth do they think the parents even have control over that?

    • OhHeyDelilah

      I really, really don’t know. People confuse me. And they have such wild, and wildly strong, opinions about EVERYTHING. But why???

    • whiteroses

      Feel free to tell them about my mothers older brother, who is quite possibly one of the most selfish people who ever breathed and once punched my mom in the face because she took the last dinner roll.

    • OhHeyDelilah

      I have no words. My mouth is literally hanging open after reading that. Your poor mum!

    • whiteroses

      She punched him right back, in the eye, the night before his senior prom. He unfortunately hasn’t changed much, but my mother is to this day the only person on the planet who can call him on his bullshit without severe repercussions.

  • CMP414

    Loved this article! I have a 2 year old girl and am pregnant again. My grandmother in law keeps saying this is going to be a boy. umm we don’t know that and does that mean she will love this baby less if it’s a girl? that hurts and irritates me at the same time.

  • Katie L.

    We have one girl. My husband once had a friend tell him that he (my husband) would probably only have girls because he didn’t really have a gender preference for our hypothetical second child. The friend on the other hand was apparently a Real Man because he has two boys. Because that’s what determines sex: whether or not you “want” it enough.

    • Guest

      Your husband may want to ditch that “friend”. What an idiotic thing to say.

    • Katie L.

      It’s an old high school friend. He has since moved far, far away. He was kind of known for saying things like that and he would get all pissy when called out on it.

    • Sara

      King Henry the VIII disagrees on the whole want determining the gender thig :)


    I have a son who is almost two. He’s great. I don’t get the obsession with having a specific gender child.Why does it matter? Either way they are your child. I also don’t get this fantasy that some women have about their daughter being their best friend. I don’t know anyone who has that type of relationship with their mother. I don’t. My mother and I don’t talk. She was emotionally distant for my whole life and we were both emotionally abused by her husband. I don’t talk to my dad either because he’s a deadbeat. I was essentially raised by my grandparents. Because of this I really want to have a close relationship with my son. We are now ( we read and play games all the time) but I want to continue that way because I don’t want him to experience the pain that I have because of my own parents failings. I am grateful every day that the man I married is a loving husband and excellent father. :-) I’m also grateful that he has loving parents that are also wonderful grandparents.

  • spacewoman

    I had a random hospital volunteer ask me that while I was holding my two hour old baby boy in my arms. As if I were going to say, yeah, can I trade this one in?

    • SNOWSCAS81

      What? Well I hear that apparently sex almost immediately after giving birth is a “thing” now. You should have told her that you were going to start that night. ;-)

  • K.

    One of my cherished mentors is intersex–born with both female and male biological traits, raised as a girl, lives as a woman today, has a loving wife. She is well-adjusted and successful today, but went through a lot of difficulties growing up because her parents insisted that she was a girl before they acknowledged she was an individual. Maybe that’s an unorthodox example, but it strikes me as remarkably stupid when people say things that suggest they have no idea children are individuals beyond their genders. Case in point:

    Sons don’t leave their mothers because they’re sons; an individual son might leave his mother if she’s a jerk.

  • Bailey

    This was the main reason we chose to not find out the sex of our 3rd baby. We have 2 boys and after a year and a half of infertility I didn’t want to deal with anyone’s negative comments if I was having another boy. I was just so thrilled to be pregnant. I was barely even showing and people were bombarding me with questions about the sex of the baby and whether I was desperately hoping for a girl. It drove random strangers crazy that I didn’t know! She did turn out to be a girl and I often get asked if we are done now that I’ve got my girl. The truth is, I’m not sure if we are done or not but I do hope now that I have boys and a girl people will lay off the comments the next time. At that point I’ll probably be blowing their minds with the fact that I’m having a 4th child and they won’t even ask about the sex.

    I come from a family of 3 girls and I have a good relationship with my mom so of course I wanted to experience having a daughter but I truly would have been just as happy had I gotten a 3rd boy. He most definitely wouldn’t have been a consolation prize.

    • http://ichasekids.com/ Litterboxjen

      If it helps? any, I had people upset with my husband and me that we did find out the sex of the baby. People are strange.

  • dy

    Holy crap, you have seriously written my life story. I also struggled for years with infertility, then got pregnant through IVF with twin boys (now 2 yrs old.) My husband and I did not find out the genders prior to birth, so we were flooded with “I hope its one of each so that you can be done.” Um…excuse me? But I’m sure that my husband and I will be the ones to decide that, thank you very much. With the prospects of a third child quickly diminishing, I’ve heard from several very close friends and family members “well, maybe one of the boys will be gay so you can do girl stuff!” I will love my children regardless of their sexual orientation, but are you fucking kidding me? I’ve had people ask me since the boys were born about when we were going to have another one, or if we were doing IVF again. I didn’t realize that having two boys is just an abomination. Apparently I where a name tag that says “Ask me about my uterus.” People are just plain assholes…

    • Jayamama

      Wow. I can’t believe people who think that others’ reproduction is everyone’s business to freely discuss. But that they’d think it’d be okay to talk about a child’s sexuality is just shocking.

  • Ashie

    my life story. I have 2 boys and I have fertility issues too and I could careless what I have as long as its a healthy baby, thank you. I know someone who had 2 boys and 2 girls and says that now they have “the perfect” family. When she was pregnant with the last one (a boy) I asked her what would she say if it was a girl? She said she would be severely disappointed because that didn’t fit into her “perfect” family situation. I never knew that a certain sex for a baby is the basis for a perfect family. I love my boys and although if I had a girl im sure it would be fantastic, I would be perfectly content on having just boys!

  • Daniela Escobar

    I like this post. I’m one of those people that always ask, If they are gonna have more kids or are they going to try for girl or a boy, etc to look for conversation. After reading this I will think twice before ask those silly questions again


  • Gangle

    How do you ‘try’ for a boy/girl anyway? Is there some crazy sex move you are meant to do that nobody told me about? Or are you meant to think girl/boy thoughts when the scientist is inseminating your eggs with the sperm? Should your husband/partner/donor think about the colour blue or pink while he is doing his solo performance? I do not understand.

  • Jayamama

    I just had my second daughter a few months ago. I’ll admit, I was sorta hoping for a boy because then I’d know what it’s like to raise each gender, but I couldn’t be more thrilled to have two girls. They are so sweet together, and I’m jealous because I didn’t have a sister. I couldn’t imagine it any other way.

    My husband’s family is friends with a Chinese family, though, and boys are very important to them. We didn’t find out the gender with our first daughter, and they had a very pitying look when they first met my older daughter. The mother kept bugging us about the gender when we were pregnant again, and even after we found out we were having a girl, I didn’t tell her. I didn’t want to have to defend her to them, especially when I was thrilled to have another daughter. I haven’t taken her to meet them yet, mostly because I can’t stand the thought of those pitying looks again.

    One thing, though: I can understand you coming up with reasons why you don’t feel you need a girl, especially since others’ comments have put you on the defensive. But you don’t need to make it sound like boys are so much better, or you put people in my position where others have put you. That just isn’t fair. Both genders are fun, and there are more differences within each gender than between them. All that matters in the end are healthy, happy children.

    • Jane

      My parents are Chinese- and that’s a very old fashioned view your husbands friends have!

      We’ve got mostly boys on either side of us so when my parents found out we were expecting my dad’s first reaction was “ooh hope this ones a girl!”

    • Jayamama

      Well, when I say Chinese, I mean they just came from China. Like, ten years ago. The mother barely speaks English, and they’re really hard to understand. (But my FIL owns the building their restaurant is in, so they’re friends.) That may have something to do with their opinions.

  • Elizabeth

    I’m really glad to see this. I see a lot of women who are all about having a girl. And I’m completely fine with men or women admitting they’d like to have this gender over the other. But only when it’s within reason. Now with people actually paying to increase their chances of have a girl (or boy) I think it’s going to far. And it makes me really sad.

    I remember being a kid and hearing about how Chinese families only wanted boys. I was so devastated. Now when I hear people say they need to have a daughter I’m reminded how I felt. Children, regardless of their gender, are something so exceptional that all of the words I could use sound cliché. To devalue one over the other is inherently wrong.

    • whiteroses

      When I was pregnant I desperately wanted a girl. I figured she’d love purple and reading and shoes. You know, the same stuff I love. And I thought she’d have curly blonde hair like I did.

      Instead, I gave birth to a boy who headbutts people like a goat as his main form of greeting. He runs around like his ass is on fire and sticks his fingers in your mouth if he really likes you. I’m firmly convinced he’s 97 percent rubber.

      Funny thing though- he loves shoes. And purple. And reading. And he’s got curly blonde hair. But at this point I couldn’t care less. He’s my baby, and I can’t imagine it any other way.

  • http://ichasekids.com/ Litterboxjen

    My first is a girl, and I was happy about it — I figured I knew better how to handle girls, and the idea of baby boners (and their penises in general) freaked/freaks me out.

    I’ve been asked if I would want a girl or a boy next, and while having a boy would be nice to have the two, the idea of a girl next is great because then I can reuse all of her clothes. :/

  • val97

    My parents had 4 girls. My mother is a widow and in her mid sixties, and has 3 grand kids now, but I think she STILL gets questions about why they never tried for a boy. People are so weirdly nosy. How do you even answer that question? We kept having girls because I didn’t hang upside down and eat a high salt diet (or whatever the right old wives tale is)?

  • BW2

    Megan, can we hear more about your fertility issues? There are many of us that have issues and it brings comfort to hear success stories.

    • Megan Zander

      I felt the same way when I was trying too. I write about it a lot, I think even when you have success the pain of infertility stays with you, and Eve is an amazing editor for letting me share my stories here on mommyish. I think I have a piece on IVF coming up soon, but you are more than welcome to contact me on Facebook if you want to delve in and talk, I’m fairly open with my process because I had so many feeling and questions when I was in the thick of it and I think there isn’t enough support for those trying from those who have been there.

  • MammaSweetpea

    Sometimes women can’t win. If you don’t try for a girl, you’re a failure because your family is incomplete without a girl. Or you’re a winner in some people’s view because a houseful of rowdy boys makes your husband look good. And if you do try for a girl, and have another boy, then you have a house full of kids that you can’t handle, and people judge you for having too many children….dafuq.
    When were trying to have kids, we wanted one of each. We had a son first, then about 3 years later we had a girl. Cool sez I, now we’re complete. Guess what? The universe had other ideas. While I was home on mat leave I got pregnant again…another girl. Oh no what do I do??? Tied my tubes, is what I did, because I was done having kids no matter what gender they were. Don’t give a flying fig if I had 6 of one or a bakers dozen of the other. All 3 were healthy, and that’s all we needed to know.

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  • Christina

    Very true…but as far as gender stereotypes, I think you just made one! Growing up, I never wore make up (and still never do) but my brother was the one who got into wearing make up and would frequently spend an hour in the bathroom putting on make up and styling his hair! You never know what you’ll get with either gender.