• Sat, Feb 1 - 10:00 am ET

10 Reasons Your Toddler Will Never Compare To Bacon

Fun Fact – I’ve been a vegetarian for quite a few years. For the most part, I don’t miss it at all, but one thing I DO miss is BACON. Sweet, delicious, artery clogging bacon. No joke, I’ve had dreams about bacon, and my husband regularly buys it because he is a sadistic bastard sometimes. Bacon rocks my socks and I miss it terribly. Like, miss it more than Firefly terribly, which is A LOT.

You know what I don’t miss? The toddler stage. Now that my soon-to-be 4-year-old is finally out of that stage, I’m ready to hire a marching band to celebrate. So obviously bacon>toddlers, and I’m here to tell you why.

10. Bacon won’t talk back

bacon is better

FREAKMAN!

Your toddler’s favorite word is NO. Your order of bacon wants nothing more than to soothe your wounded soul.

9. Bacon tastes DELICIOUS 

Sorry atheists, but society looks down on people who eat toddlers. Bacon, on the other hand, is completely acceptable.

8. Bacon doesn’t need potty training

I mean, unless you’re into that kind of thing. Weirdo.

7. Bacon will behave at the grocery store

bacon is better

Unlike your cranky toddler, bacon will STAY IN THE CART FOR CHRISSAKES, and also refrain from asking for every single toy in the toy aisle, which is “conveniently” also in the pet food aisle, so you have to walk down it or totally Sophie’s Choice your pet this week. DAMMIT STOP AND SHOP!

6. Bacon won’t follow you into the bathroom

bacon is better

This joke NEVER gets old

With bacon, all your number ones and twos will be solo, as god intended.

5. Bacon likes REAL music, not kiddie crap or Justin Bieber. 

bacon is better

Getty Images

No Kidz Bop for bacon. NOPE. Bacon will gladly listen along to whatever embarrassing stuff you want to listen to, so hellloooo Eminem (don’t judge me).

4. You can totally curse around bacon

bacon is better

memegenerator.net

And bacon won’t repeat it in front of the mail man or your local church ladies.

3. Bacan can totally watch Family Guy with you

FamilyGuy.Wikia.com

FamilyGuy.Wikia.com

Finally, an end to your toddler’s tyrannical rule over the television. Just trade him for bacon!

2. Bacon is dog-friendly

bacon is better than toddlers doggy bacon

Unlike a toddler, when your dog bites bacon it’s totally fine. Unless it’s YOUR bacon. Then it’s war.

1. Bacon kisses are fantastic

bacon is better

quickmeme.com

Baby and toddler kisses are all fine and good, but only bacon leaves its bacony goodness for all to smell.

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  • pixie

    And now I’m sad that I forgot to take my bacon out of the freezer so I could have some this morning.
    Bacon is fantastic and one of the many reasons I could never be a vegetarian. Not that being a vegetation is a bad thing if it’s what you choose, but it’s just something I personally couldn’t do.

  • VĂ©ronique Houde

    There should be a law making it illegal to write about bacon on a saturday morning. It’s not fair to those who DON’T have bacon in their fridges! How cruel are you!!!!! :P

    • FormerlyKnownAsWendy

      Ice storm! Can’t go get any! Double cruel!!!!!

  • FormerlyKnownAsWendy

    You can still save the other animals with your vegetarianism. Everyone knows pigs are evil bastards anyway, though. :)

  • Kay_Sue

    Bacon for the win based on #4 alone, although the rest of the list is awesome too.

    • Kay_Sue

      This just occurred to me also: Bacon also trumps my seven year old, because it was will not charge me a quarter for swearing in front of it. Made the mistake of starting a swear jar.

      Now I’m going to need to start a Kickstarter to pay off my debt to my kid.

    • pixie

      Bacon pretty much trumps people in general. It doesn’t give you sass for wanting to sit on the couch and watch movies/bad TV all night in your sweatpants instead of spending time with loud and obnoxious people that you only like 85% of the time.

    • Kay_Sue

      So true. Bacon is awesome.

  • kay

    My aunt and uncle used to be vegetarians. Except when it came to bacon.

    I think that’s the only way to be a vegetarian and be truly happy.

  • DatNanny

    Vegetarian for about seven years now. Definitely for the first four or so, the bacon craving remained, even as all other meats began to disgust me. I could feel myself wavering. If I was going to fall off the vegwagon, it would be into a pan of bacon.

    Today? Not appealing at all. It stopped smelling good, it just smells porky and salty and fatty and not in ways which entice me. Oddly, I now like Morningstar ‘Bacon’ Strips which I hated in the first few years. They don’t taste like bacon, but they’re good, while bacon does not seem good to me anymore.

  • C.J.

    Now I want bacon, dammit!!