Fun Fact – I’ve been a vegetarian for quite a few years. For the most part, I don’t miss it at all, but one thing I DO miss is BACON. Sweet, delicious, artery clogging bacon. No joke, I’ve had dreams about bacon, and my husband regularly buys it because he is a sadistic bastard sometimes. Bacon rocks my socks and I miss it terribly. Like, miss it more than Firefly terribly, which is A LOT.
You know what I don’t miss? The toddler stage. Now that my soon-to-be 4-year-old is finally out of that stage, I’m ready to hire a marching band to celebrate. So obviously bacon>toddlers, and I’m here to tell you why.
10. Bacon won’t talk back
Your toddler’s favorite word is NO. Your order of bacon wants nothing more than to soothe your wounded soul.
9. Bacon tastes DELICIOUS
Sorry atheists, but society looks down on people who eat toddlers. Bacon, on the other hand, is completely acceptable.
8. Bacon doesn’t need potty training
I mean, unless you’re into that kind of thing. Weirdo.
7. Bacon will behave at the grocery store
Unlike your cranky toddler, bacon will STAY IN THE CART FOR CHRISSAKES, and also refrain from asking for every single toy in the toy aisle, which is “conveniently” also in the pet food aisle, so you have to walk down it or totally Sophie’s Choice your pet this week. DAMMIT STOP AND SHOP!
6. Bacon won’t follow you into the bathroom
With bacon, all your number ones and twos will be solo, as god intended.
5. Bacon likes REAL music, not kiddie crap or Justin Bieber.
No Kidz Bop for bacon. NOPE. Bacon will gladly listen along to whatever embarrassing stuff you want to listen to, so hellloooo Eminem (don’t judge me).
4. You can totally curse around bacon
And bacon won’t repeat it in front of the mail man or your local church ladies.
3. Bacan can totally watch Family Guy with you
Finally, an end to your toddler’s tyrannical rule over the television. Just trade him for bacon!
2. Bacon is dog-friendly
Unlike a toddler, when your dog bites bacon it’s totally fine. Unless it’s YOUR bacon. Then it’s war.
1. Bacon kisses are fantastic
Baby and toddler kisses are all fine and good, but only bacon leaves its bacony goodness for all to smell.