10 Things A Puppy Can Do Better Than Your Baby

puppyI’ve heard of this thing called football before, but shut up, the Puppy Bowl is on. The Puppy Bowl X airs at 3 PM on February 2, 2014, right before the Super Bowl. Spoiler alert—the Puppy Bowl is way better.

In fact, there are many ways that puppies are superior because puppies can do no wrong. You’ve heard the old adage that you should try to take care of a house plant and then a pet to determine if you’re fit to have a kid. If you starve your puppy or set your house plant on fire, or vice versa, then maybe you’re not ready to take on human life.

But what if a puppy is enough? What if you don’t really need a baby because a puppy is better in every way? I have two kids of my own, but I’m still a sucker for a good puppy. Here are 10 ways puppies beat babies every time:

1. Puppies chew on rubber toys, not your nipple.

2. Puppies spend nine weeks in the oven, not nine months. If a baby only took nine weeks, I’d have a whole litter.

3. Their teenage years are spent as man’s best friend, not locked in their room only communicating through social media.

4. If they cry at night, you can put them in a cage (for a little while).

5. You can leave them at home all day while you work, save for a few accidents.

6. Puppy poop is easy to clean up with a paper towel versus projectile diaper blowouts that may never come out of your hair.

7. Puppies drool less than babies and kiss more. (D’AWWW)

8. Puppies adorably play fetch, while throwing a ball at your baby could be considered child abuse.

9. Puppies simply cannot cry at ear-piercing decibels (for hours and hours and hours).

10. Choosing a puppy name is easy and hardly matters. Choosing the right baby name could determine their future career—no pressure! The art of puppy naming is easy: Just pick any ole name or inanimate object and add an “ie” or “y” to the end. True story, I had dogs named Blackie and Brownie as a kid because I was very literal.

(photo: Getty Images)

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  • Natasha B

    I would dare to challenge you on the drool. Have you ever met a bulldog?
    Puppies are so adorable though. Gimme dem allllllll

    • libraryofbird

      I have a bulldog and everything I own or wear has a drool streak. EVERYTHING. But she is worth it.

    • Natasha B

      We have a pit bull, so I am with you there. Every pair of pants I own has a drool swipe at the mid thigh level. Or if it’s summer….there’s a crust of dried drool there. But wouldn’t trade him for the world :) or a less slobbery dog

  • Guest

    I lol’d at #6. #7 makes me miss my malamute :’-(

  • Shelly Lloyd

    But babies usually do not chew up your expensive designer shoes.

    • Tinyfaeri

      You’re one of the lucky ones, I see.

    • CMJ

      My husband was a shoe chewer as a baby. My dog has never touched my shoes. HM.

  • Abbie

    I take issue with the crying one – my husky could out-cry my baby anyday!

    • Rachel Sea

      Yeah, boy. I have a wolfdog, and they mature slower than domestic dogs. He had a puppy voice for two years, and when he wanted something it was the loudest highest pitched AWOUWOUWOUWOUWOUWOUA.

  • kay

    Have you ever put a baby and a puppy in the same room together? It’s an understand-off of epic proportions. Last time we did it my baby was all “yay giant kitty-wait this is terrifying i shouldn’t try to eat this thing!” and constantly crawling to the puppy then retreating while the dog was all “the small big thing can’t walk, why is it broken? WTF, WHAT IS THIS AMAZING TOY I SHOULD EAT IT” and proceeded to put ever pacifier in the house into her puppy mouth.

    Neither could successfully navigate the stairs.

    • Bethany Ramos

      My two Chihuahuas hate both of my kids so, so much that it is almost funny.

    • kay

      I have cats. I think they’re still holding out hope this small thing will go away. And we got chickens last month and ruined their yard too. Small things everywhere! They’ve taken to sulking in the laundry room full time.

    • SarahJesness

      My dog LOVES little kids, and if she sees someone carrying a baby she tries to jump up to get at it. Kids are fun-sized people to her, I think.

  • Kay_Sue

    Bethany, my husband is mad at you. I’ve had puppy fever for WEEKS and this is not helping one bit…

    Although, if someone used my house plant care abilities as a judge of my parenting, they would never have let me have children. I can kill those things like nobody’s business.

    • Bethany Ramos

      Did you show him this as proof that you need one now? Also, what kind?

    • Kay_Sue

      Whatever would be available at our local shelter, most likely. I adopted my Boo Boo from there and he’s been the most amazing dog. My in laws were in town and they brought their much younger dog–it was so cute to see how he played with the pup. He seemed so young again. It made me want to get him a companion…*sighs*

  • Tea

    They’re also cheaper and slightly less invasive to adopt, depending on the shelter/agency.

  • staferny

    Well, not getting anything else done today, my brain is filled with too much cute.

    • Bethany Ramos

      Mission accomplished.

  • MerlePerle

    Have you ever tried getting puppy diarrhea out of the cracks of a hardwood floor? My puppy’s also the only one who’s ever taken a pen to the couch….

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  • SarahJesness

    11. The average puppy can beat a baby in a fight.
    12. Puppies cost less to raise and maintain.
    13. There’s less pressure and judginess over how you decide to raise your puppy.

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