• Thu, Jan 30 - 2:00 pm ET

Your Sex Life Isn’t Sexy Anymore: 10 Reasons Why It’s Totally Your Kid’s Fault

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My sex life is suffering since I gave birth to my second child. A three-year-old and a seven-month-old equals no time for ourselves. I know this is such a cliche´ and there are people who will inevitably say, you’re obviously doing something wrong! Our sex life hasn’t been affected at all! In fact – it’s improved since we’ve had kids! But I will just think you are all big, humblebragging liars because – wait, what was I saying? I’m so exhausted I lost my train of thought.

Exhaustion. Also, time. All of a sudden, it seems like time is just not on my side anymore. If you are the parent of young children, finding any time for yourself can be challenging. Finding time for sexy-time can be almost impossible.

What it boils down to is – I blame my kids. You should probably blame your kids, too. Here’s why:

1. You need sleep.

Yay! Kids are finally in bed! Your day is done! You’re exhausted.

2. You have to check your email.

All those things you used to have time for are getting crammed into the few minute intervals throughout the day when you are not needed. You’d rather be having sex, but your boss is going to kill you.

3. Stuff needs to get done.

Tedious obligations are happening during those precious moments when you should be getting down.

4. The Bachelor is fucking two hours long. 

The kids are asleep, but you’re spending two hours on this. Why Juan Carlos? Why?

5. There are constantly people trying to touch you.

Maybe it’s just me, but sometimes I just want five solid minutes when someone isn’t trying to feed off me or hold my hand.

6. You need sleep.

Did I mention this one already?

7. You walked by a mirror.

There is something distinctly unsexy about the vomit in your hair and breast milk on your shirt.

8. You find it hard to get turned on when someone is singing, Don’t Bite Your Friends! in the other room.

Certain things you find so adorable at other times of the day make your love shack close for business.

9. Having sex in front of a sleeping baby creeps you out and it’s too cold to move to the couch.

How long is this crib going to be in our room?

10. You need sleep.

Maybe I already mentioned this?

You can reach this post's author, Maria Guido, on twitter.
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  • Bethany Ramos

    I agree sooo much with all of this. CONFESSIONS:

    1. I just quit the Bachelor. I know the rest of America will be sad, but it is 2 HOURS! It’s like homework!

    2. My libido jumped as soon as I stopped breastfeeding.

    • Maria Guido

      Yet ANOTHER reason to try to get this child off my boob.

    • Jessica

      Whoops! Accidental down vote :(
      1. If you watch the bachelor on hulu (a week late) it’s “only” an hour and 25 minutes…

      2. I’m soooo hoping that happen for me too! Breastfeeding & Implanon have negated all interest

    • Bethany Ramos

      You have sex during the Bachelor, you can kill two birds with one stone — but it probably won’t take an hour and 25 minutes. ;)

    • Jessica

      Hulu does have ad time… :)

    • Andy

      #2 is soooo true. It’s not that I don’t want sex exactly, because I love feeling connected to my husband, but I do want a few hours with no one touching me-between the baby and the three year old I’m pretty touched out by bedtime most days. After this baby is weaned next fall I’m planning on asking hubby to take the kids to visit his parents for a weekend so I can have 48 hours of no one touching me, and I’m planning on shopping for lingerie during that time to welcome him back home :)

  • Kate

    It’s hard to stay emotionally connected with your partner, too, when 98% of your conversations are about your kids’ bodily functions.

    • Maria Guido

      Truth.

  • Terry Teague SF

    Whoever invents Viagra for women will be a hero to all dudes everywhere

    • pineapplegrasss

      Seriously? duh dumb. Viagra for women? Viagra for women is men who give the time of day to actually care and try not just to be a dipstick..
      And women can take Cialis if needed.

  • Jessica

    5. All day long. My daughter thinks I’m her personal jungle gym & hammock. Then my husband comes home & just wants all the cuddles & closeness.

    8. I’ve joked with my husband that we’re going to be conditioned to equate the Jake & the Neverland Pirate theme song to getting busy.

    • Jessica

      & oh Juan Pablo!

  • Marie-Michelle

    So glad you approach it with a bit of humor, but this is possibly one of the most depressing things I have ever read…doesn’t make me look forward to having kids at all :(

    • Maria Guido

      I laugh to keep from crying.

    • Marie-Michelle

      lol I see how that might be the only option for the situation

  • Kay_Sue

    Meh, I’m totally not willing to let my miniature terrorists come between me and bow-chick-a-wow-wow. That’s my own stubborn refusal, lol! ;)

    • Andy

      Love calling them miniature terrorists. I call mine minions, but some days my three year old does seem more like a mini terrorist, or at the very least a dictator. We’re working on that.

    • Kay_Sue

      We are too. Some days are better than others! ;)

  • Natasha B

    There’s def a lot more kitchen/shower quickies in our house than the old school hours in the bed….but I think we’re doing ok for having no less than 3 underfoot and one more on the way….

  • Lee

    Yesterday my 2 year old bit my big toe and then started singing don’t bite your friends. The irony.