10 Snarky Baby Onesies That Are In Undeniably Poor Taste

I’m a snarky parenting blogger, so I’m not really one to talk… But in the spirit of hypocrisy, I figure, why not? I’m sure you’ve all seen these baby onesies before—either on Pinterest, on your Facebook newsfeed, or in a hip parenting boutique.

These irreverent baby onesies are marketed to the cool parent with a cool baby, i.e. the hipster baby that is born with a skinny tie and pencil mustache. Though off-color onesies like this are supposed to be tongue-in-cheek, some of them bug me. They’re a little over-the-top, and they focus way too much on the baby cool factor.

While it may be funny to put your baby in a jokey onesie and parade them about the town, these snarky onesies take it a little too far:

1. I Only Cry When Ugly People Hold Me



Cute or rude—I can’t decide.

2. My Mom Thinks She’s In Charge…



Mommy is an idiot, says the Almighty Baby. We get it, we get it.

3. My Aunt Jenny Is Smart, Funny, Sexy



Maybe Aunt Jenny should grow some balls and wear this T-shirt herself. #babyonesiehumblebrag




This one made me do a double take. But considering the MILF, please, for the love of God, don’t ever call your baby a BILF. Just, no.

5. I’m This Many



A baby giving the middle finger is always funny. Right…? Right…?

6. My Mom Is Hotter Than Your Mom



Please do not ever take your baby to the playground wearing this.

7. Proof That My Dad Sucks At Pulling Out



This got a chuckle out of me, but I don’t see it making an appearance in real life, except as the gaggiest of gag gifts. Barf.

8. Cuter Than Baby Jesus



Slap this onesie on your baby and take them to Vacation Bible School to see the hilarious pearl-clutching that will ensue.

9. What Baby Wants, Baby Gets!



This onesie is merely an advertisement that you are raising a monster. Congratulations.

10. Titties, Get Ready For Action!



My children will never use “titties” and “action” in reference to me. Ever, ever, ever, ever. EVER.

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  • Alexandra

    Although I would never never buy, some of these did make me laugh :)

  • Guest

    You missed a goldmine!! (I totally want some of these though)

  • http://mother--bored.tumblr.com/ Aimee Beff

    The most offensive thing about a lot of these is the bad capitalization and grammar. You don’t get to Randomly pick which Words in a sentence start with capital Letters, yo.

    • Bethany Ramos

      AGREE, self-made onesie fail.

    • Ife

      Yup. Back when #2 was little, some charming person gave me a bib that said “who’s boob do I need to suck to get a drink around here?!?” Needless to say, she never wore It. Honestly, the apostrophe catastrophe bothered me more than the mental image of my sweet baby screaming “yo, can I get some tit up in here?” that got stuck in my head every time I read it.

  • http://ultimatemamacat.tumblr.com/ Hana Graham

    I see now you did not miss this goldmine…


    I’m totally tempted to get the “Don’t Baptize” one though. The drinking ones would probably go over well here in Belfast, actually.

  • G.E. Phillips

    Someone gave us the “I only cry when ugly people hold me” one and I threw it away. Not nice! However, that last one gave me a good chuckle.

    • Jallun-Keatres

      I would feel SO uncomfortable with mine or ANY baby wearing that! I had slight self-esteem issues because every baby I’d ever held (all what, 5 of them lol) cried and I internalized it. Seeing that on the baby would piss me off and make me not want to hold him/her.

  • Natasha B

    I was searching baby boy onesies on etsy (don’t judge, ok) and was totally grossed out. Yeah, I’m planning on BF this guy too, doesn’t mean he needs a onsie that says ‘I had titties for breakfast’ or something that talks about his future sexual prowess. I’m looking at you, ‘playground pimp’.

  • Heather

    The middle finger one genuinely made me laugh, because, as Bethany pointed out, babies flying the middle finger is always hilarious.

  • aCongaLine

    I’m not a huge fan of crass or dirty humor on a baby… it just seems really inappropriate. But that’s coming from a girl who has a onesie wrapped up for BFF that says “My mother doesn’t need your advice.” WHich I guess is the same type of deal. There’s smartass, and witty, and there’s crass. I don’t think I’d want my kid in an outfit with dirty humor. Smartass, though, yep. Even if it’s just lounging around the house.

    Not to say I didn’t laugh, though :)

  • Shelly Lloyd

    I think Picard sums it up for me:

  • Tinyfaeri

    I have a framed 8×10 (B&W, of course) of my daughter giving me the finger when she was about 7 or 8 weeks old. It’s one of my favorites. The rest… meh. I always feel like parents dressing their child in provocative or crass onesies are trying too hard to be cool.

    • Rachel Sea

      Babies actually flipping the bird: hilarious. Insinuations that kids would intentionally give a one finger salute to be cool: meh.

  • TwentiSomething Mom

    Some of them weren’t so bad but the middle finger, “my dad sucks at pulling out” and titties one were pretty offensive and definitely not funny or cute at all.

    • Guest

      Yeah those are just gross. I’ve seen many “funny” onesies talking about boobs too and it just seems so nasty to me.

  • http://wtfihaveakid.blogspot.ca/ jendra_berri

    And to think I felt weird putting my son in his Handsome Like Daddy onesie. About a 1 out of 10 on the obnoxious scale from what I see now.

  • candyvines

    I love, love, love cute graphic onesies for babies, but have never been fond of slogan tees (for anyone, really). Gnome Enterprises has really awesome designs – I bought the boy that I take care of the Bigfoot/yeti ultimate throw down for Christmas.

    • candyvines

      This one:

    • Bethany Ramos

      That is really cute!

  • kay

    In the box of hand me downs from my SIL was a pink onesie that said “does this diaper make my butt look big”

    I threw it away, because putting it in my goodwill pile would mean someone might put it on their baby.

    • Jallun-Keatres

      Your last line. Golden.

  • Jallun-Keatres

    A huge pet peeve of mine is onesies that belittle the father and make him out to be a total f’n moron. My sister (not on purpose; she has no idea) happened to get me one. Yeah, Mini Keatres is not wearing this.

    • Bethany Ramos

      Hahahah love the face!!!

    • Jallun-Keatres

      I have a pro WTF face!

  • Jallun-Keatres

    Here’s another one I found on pinterest. It’s not the same kind of vulgarity but it’s wayyyyyy up there on the annoying scale. Your baby is not going to wear this.


    • Bethany Ramos

      THAT IS SO ANNOYING! No, no, no. I’d just put a post-it on the baby.

  • Kay_Sue

    I uh…I would never put these on my child, but I laughed. I laughed so hard.

  • Ife

    Yeah, those are all pretty terrible. I’m going to stick with my current plan and convince my husband to name InsideBaby Frances so I can buy her a “Frankie says relax” onesie. Oh, who am I kidding….a series of onesies in various sizes so she never outgrows it. But that’s about all the slogan-y nonsense I can tolerate on my baby.

    • candyvines

      If she’s named Frances a “Nobody puts baby in the corner” onesie would also be appropriate.

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