If I had to compile a list of the worst “first world problems” in the world, the abomination that is Kiz Bop would definitely make the top ten list. In case you’ve mercifully lived in on a desert island for the last 14 years, Kidz Bop albums are compilation albums comprised of kids singing the latest hits. It’s like an even more terrible “Now That’s What I Call Music.”
Kidz Bop albums are the WORST. Thankfully, due adamant refusal to have them in my home and my kid’s decent taste in music (as decent as a kid’s can be), I haven’t had to deal with this shiz much, but when I was a teenager, ALL of my younger cousins loved it. Apparently they are still being made, and they are just as awful as I remember. I’ve listened to them, so hopefully you won’t have to. Because I’m a giver.
8. Ke$ha – Tik Tok
If you’ve listened to the original, then you know that Tik Tok is NOT a children’s song. Ke$ha sings about things like gargling with Jack Daniels and getting tipsy. Only Kidz Bop changes those to “brush my teeth and then go and pack,” and “getting silly.” *FACEPALM*
7. Carly Rae Jepson – Call Me Maybe
Isn’t this song awful enough without hearing a bunch of squeaky voiced pret-teens singing it?
6. Mackelmore – Thrift Shop
This song is surprisingly “mature” for a song about buying used clothing. The Kidz Bop version makes me want to punch myself in the groin until I throw up and pass out.
5. Bruno Mars – The Lazy Song
The only thing worse than Kidz Bop + Ke$ha is Kidz Bop + Bruno Mars. Also, it’s disturbing to hear a 10-year-old call himself a “man” in a sing-song voice. NOPE all over this song.
4. Miley Cyrus – Wrecking Ball
Yes, this is a thing that happened. Whoever allowed this should be shunned from society forever. Check out the high-pitched, almost cracking puberty-laden falsetto at around 0.38. You’re welcome.
3. Icona Pop – I Love It
“I crashed my car into a bridge /I don’t care” is changed to “You drove your car across the bridge /I don’t care.” Why would you freaking care? I love how they have to change who is driving, because ya know, KIDS! Also, the video makes Rebecca Black look like Madonna.
2. Maroon 5 – Moves Like Jagger
Isn’t this whole song supposed to be about sex? What genius decided that this would be a good song for kids to song? Even with the changes it sounds dirty and wrong. “I put on a show/ Now we’re jaded,” “You say I’m a kid/my ego is big.” This makes Adam Levine look less creepy by comparison. How is this even possible?
1. LMFAO – Party Rock Anthem
Like Call Me Maybe, this song is annoying on its own, but Kidz Bop really outdid themselves with this monstrosity. It seems like they literally had to cut half the song out to make it not sound like a drug and drinking anthem. Why didn’t they do this with Moves Like Jagger? So many QUESTIONS!
*BONUS SONG* Robin Thicke – Blurred Lines
This song isn’t technically Kidz Bop, but it’s in the same genre, that is, terrible kid renditions of already terrible songs. If any song should NOT be made into a kid-friendly tune, I think Blurred Lines is it. What better for your pre-teens than a rapey ode to misogyny. amirite? I do have to say, the lyrics ARE an improvement on the original. But only because anything would be an improvement.