We’ve all heard the expression, “You think your shit don’t stink,” delivered metaphorically, but did you know this foul idiom actually applies to some parents literally? Yes, there’s a small-to-medium-sized crap-happy subset of parents out there who not only pleasantly sniff the aroma of their baby’s poop, but remark upon its sweet fragrance on Facebook. Believe it or not, some people find this completely disgusting. And yet, for every dozen (or thousand) people who think that shit just smells like shit, there’s an unsuspecting parent who thinks her baby’s poop smells like roses. Well, okay, not like roses exactly, but some other specific scent or odor, and the more fascinated the parent is with this smell, the less inhibitive she is about sharing her smelly little secret.

 

Call me crazy, but the last thing I want people whispering about behind my back is my self-professed affection for smelling my kid’s dirty diapers. I’ve heard the rumors before and posted several examples on STFU, Parents. I’ve even halfway come to terms with the fact that some parents simply enjoy smelling their tot’s bodily waste. Funnily enough, the parents who doo do are usually breastfeeding moms who claim that their munchkin’s poop surprisingly doesn’t smell bad, and they want confirmation from other moms who feel the same way. But considering breastfeeding mothers directly influence their baby’s diet with their own, this is just a glamorized way of confirming that sometimes, people really do think their shit doesn’t stink. When a breastfeeding mom is saying she likes the way her baby’s poop smells, to a certain extent she’s saying, “I like the way my own poop smells.” Why the hell would anyone post that on Facebook, much less reveal it in a doctor’s office? For some parents, poop pride is real. And they will defend their baby’s “odorless poop” right up until that kid starts eating solids. Ew. Let’s check out some examples.

1. Poop Smoothie

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No, Jennifer, you’re not the only sicko out there. Don’t worry. There are FAR, FAR worse sickos like Holly who wouldn’t mind spooning (a verb) her daughter’s shit into a blender to make a delectable poop smoothie. This hypothetical concoction is equally as gross as a placenta smoothie, except the contents are derived from a baby’s ass. Y’all know how hippie moms are! Always spooning shit out of their baby’s ass, throwing in some flax seeds, raw kale, and a little fish oil to enhance the flavor. Ha. Don’t knock it ’til you try it!

 

2. Newborn Breastfed Baby Poops 

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I shouldn’t be surprised that Chrissy gleefully “released” the information that she likes the smell of her newborn’s “baby poops” considering she also voluntarily named her children Larz-with-a-Z and “Elihka” (which translates to “exotic yooniqueness” in several languages). Still, I’m amused that she only received a single ringing endorsement of her pro-poop status before the rest of her friends admitted to nearly losing their breakfast. You can’t win ‘em all, Chrissy! Hahaha!

3. Buttered Popcorn

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If there’s one particular scent often associated with pleasant-smelling baby shit, it’s popcorn. Some people, like Aimee, even go so far as to call it “buttered popcorn,” which adds a richness in description that’s entirely unappealing to think about. The thing I enjoy most about this exchange is the way her friend is just like, “Giiiiiiirl. You need to get out of the house more, FOR REAL. Take a walk. Get your nails done. Go to a movie. Just don’t talk about how your baby’s ass smells like buttered popcorn when you’re in the movie before no one wants to hear that shit, seriously.”

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“I can’t put my finger on what it smells like exactly” is probably not the best phrasing for this discussion, Liz. I get it, it’s an expression, but that’s nasty. Almost as nasty as calling the smell of breastfed baby poop “comforting.” You know what’s comforting? Cuddling under a nice big blanket by the fire on a cold winter’s night. Sleeping with a stuffed animal you’ve had since you were a child. Hugging your dog. NOT smelling a batch of freshly baked shit that’s apparently two parts buttered popcorn, one part vinegar. Gag me.

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I sort of feel like Rachelle takes things full circle here. Her baby’s poop, which is, again, directly influenced by Rachelle’s own dietary habits if she’s breastfeeding, evidently smells like buttered popcorn. But obviously Rachelle isn’t going to eat her baby’s buttered popcorn poop, because that would just be suuuuper unsanitary. So what does she do? Why, she went with the next best thing! Real buttered popcorn that she can eat whilst thinking about her baby’s crap! It’s like the subliminal, Jocasta complex way of eating. How sweet. How salty.

How loving.

How revolting.

I’m gonna go throw up now.