Aries are extremely action-oriented people, which means that when your kid’s teacher asks you to volunteer to be in charge of the class parties for the rest of the year you will happily do so. You will also stock up in advance on the most important supplies you need for this occasion, including disinfecting wipes, Advil, bandaids and vodka.
Fortune will come your way this week, when you discover two quarters and nine pennies hidden in the sofa when you are vacuuming Cheerios and Lego pieces that got stuck behind the cushions . You will also get a coupon for pizza and laundry detergent in the mail.
At some point this week, you will decide to have taco night. Sadly for you, you will forget taco seasoning at the store. No, you cannot make a homemade version, because it will never taste as good as what you can buy in the seasoning packet. If you are friends with a Gemini, they have a pizza coupon.
This is a fantastic time for Libras to sleep train their infants, and you can expect at least two nights when your baby will sleep through the night until seven in the morning. This will all change on the third night, when some asshole in the neighborhood has their car alarm go off at three a.m. and your baby remembers they are no longer sleeping in your room.
Scorpios are known to be suspicious by nature, which is why this week it is good to remember that you actually did buy a Hershey bar and hide it in your cupboard, its just that one of your children found it and ate it while playing Skylanders. You will find the wrapper hidden at the bottom of their clothing hamper.
According to your mother, this week those born under the sign of Sagittarius can’t get the baby to latch on properly because they are holding it in the wrong position. You will appreciate the gift of the Boppy Pillow, but you will end up throwing it across the room in frustration when you still can’t get the baby to latch on properly.
Capricorns are known for being practical, which is why you will remind yourself that just because you discovered your three-year-old eating things they discovered in their nose that this will in no way affect their chances of getting into law school.
Aquarius parents love water, which is why you will be super pissed off this week when you get five minutes alone to take a shower and you discover that your dumb partner decided today is the day they will run the dishwasher and wash all of the towels in the house.
Pisces parents need to remember that this week there is no shame in standing in their kitchen at 11 p.m. and eating frosting out of a can while crying.
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