Reddit Mom Considering A Daycare Gets Text Meant For Someone Else And Oh Boy Is It Judgy

97228745Oh man, I guess the Reddit user who posted this exchange won’t be going with this daycare after all when she received a text obviously meant for someone else after she expressed her concerns to the daycare provider she was considering. The Reddit user, who goes by the name drpetersen, posted this to the Reddit parenting forum:

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And here is the text she sent to the daycare provider and the responses she received:

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Awkwaaaaaard.

I mean, OK, this is all a valuable lesson that everyone needs to be extra careful when sending text messages, but I guess it is also a blessing in disguise because who would want to leave their kid with such a judgmental daycare provider? Nursing all night is “lazy?” I am sorry, but as someone who co-slept and nursed on demand it wasn’t lazy, it was exhausting. But it is also neither right nor wrong, it’s just a parenting choice that some people make for whatever reason.

I feel for the daycare provider because caring for an extra needy baby when they have other children to look after isn’t exactly easy either, but maybe they should have double-checked who they were replying to before they sent this text. Now drpetersen feels bad and obviously can’t go with this daycare option.

I feel for any parent trying to find affordable, safe, decent childcare for their children and babies and this all makes me wonder what the daycare workers think about parents and their babies behind their backs. I don’t think any parent is so naive to think that these people don’t think bad things on occasion, or that caregivers and teachers don’t judge us silently sometimes, but when you see something like this I think it strikes a chord with every parent because no matter how good of a job you think you are doing or no matter how insecure you feel about the parenting job you are doing, of course there is someone out there who thinks you are doin’ it rong. Doy.

It’s good that this came out before drpetersen picked them to care for her baby. I’m sure that this daycare wasn’t the right fit for her family. But I’ll be honest, even I cringed when I read that text because as she posted above, she was trying to be all open and honest with how her baby is and to see that reply, yeeesh. No one is a perfect parent. All babies have issues of one sort or another, no matter where they sleep or how they are fed.  Maybe the daycare provider does “bed (need?)  to be more selective ” so she only get babies who don’t cry a lot or need a lot of attention.

Good luck to her finding those babies. Because in my experience, even the most relaxed babies are going to have some unhappy moments.

(Image: Getty Images: This is one of the images I found while searching “daycare” and it totally belongs in the WTF stock images gallery)

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    • Kay_Sue

      Makes me wonder what they thought of my sister at daycare.

      They did an annual trip to a nursing home around Christmas, where the kids would sing and such. She was kicked out and asked never to come back after she started kicking and fighting the residents that tried to talk to her. She had major surgery at two, and was terrified of the hospital like smell of the place…That’s the most egregious example, but Mom says she wishes she could have gone in every day with a bag over her head. My other sister and I weren’t issues–she was just the exciting one, lol.

      This daycare provider sounds bitchy, and it’s probably a blessing the parents found out how she was before they left her kid with them. Nobody’s perfect, and everyone needs to vent, but all the assumptions make me think this daycare provider may not be as nurturing and understanding as I’d like, personally, for a small child.

    • lin

      Honestly, it sounds like the provider was just venting. What a horrible text to get, and yes, she does seem overly judgey, but she wasn’t trying to be hurtful. Sometimes we all need to vent. She may be really great with kids, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t going to have things that stress her out.

      • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

        I swear, it may be just how I feel today but even I blushed when I read that!

      • lin

        Though calling parents who cosleep and nurse all night long lazy is ridiculous, and I would expect someone working with kids to be a little more open-minded.

    • Kelly

      I wouldn’t call it lazy but if you nurse all night on demand how can you realistically expect a daycare to meet your child’s needs? They can’t do that.

      • JLH1986

        I would say nursing all night is the opposite of lazy. But I agree if the child needs that much a daycare might not be the best place.

      • Véronique Houde

        It’s a little bit like what I think… Like I mentioned earlier, I have no issues with co-sleeping and nursing on demand… But what about when you can’t be there? As a parent, I think you need to parent according to your child’s needs… And if this mom has a hard time with daycare settings, she might have to give on one or the other – the daycare setting (perhaps a nanny?), or the sleeping arrangements… I have no idea what this lady is going through, but napping seems to be an issue, which can be tough when you’re in such an actively stimulating environment such as daycare. The kids need to be able to sleep, and parents are responsible for making sure that their children are able to fall asleep on their own…

      • Jane Doh

        I think you (and the daycare provider) are making a spurious connection between the cosleeping/night nursing and the child’s ability to be in daycare during the day time. The mom in the article never said her child was unable to nap at daycare. I believe she said the opposite.

      • Paladina

        When I worked full time, my babies would barely eat and would sleep a lot at day care, and then would be up a little more at night and would nurse a lot. That was how we reconnected after a long day of separation. If anything it saved the day care some work.

        Needless to say it WAS exhausting which is why I haven’t worked for the last 6 years. :D

      • Kay_Sue

        My younger son was similar. It wasn’t all night usually, but it would be a good chunk of time after I got home from work. And he ate during the day too, he was just substantial, lol.

      • Paladina

        I would also go there and hang out during my lunch hour and nurse her, because for the first couple months she would barely eat from a bottle. Which was fine with them and fine with me, and she eventually got much better with the bottles so I got to start going out on lunches and she started sleeping better at night, too. Sometimes transitions just have to be worked through a little more with some babies.

      • EX

        But the baby isn’t at day care over night. What happens at night shouldn’t affect the daycare situation. Especially if the baby is not co-sleeping for naps. My daughter co-slept (at night) and nursed every 3 hours until we were finally able to sleep train her at 9 months. This had no impact on her when she was in the care of others during the day. Granted, she was never a good napper – but that was the case whether she was home with me, with my mom who watched her the first few months or in the day care center.

      • helloshannon

        my son nursed all night for a span of about 4 months. he was just fine at daycare. nighttime habits aren’t always the same as naptime habits. My expectations of his daycare were to try a couple of new things to get him to nap and eventually he did. that is their JOB. it’s a different environment than home and is more noisy, often the lights are still on, the crib is differnt, there are lots of problems to be troubleshooted. maybe it is just because it is early in the morning but this comment sounds just as judgey as the text

    • Véronique Houde

      AWWWKWAAAARD. I agree that this is a tough situation… And at the same time, I kind of understand where this daycare lady is coming from. In a sense. I have no issues with co-sleeping and nursing on demand WHEN IT WORKS FOR THE FAMILY. I have a co-worker who had a child a few months after I did. We all remember my debacles with co-sleeping and the crazy efforts of sleep training my child.

      Well, on a few occasions, she came to me asking for advice, and needing to vent. Co-sleeping and nursing on demand WEREN’T working for her, and were making her miserable. She didn’t want to do it anymore. Yet, she was so drilled into that AP was the way to go that she felt guilty if she wouldn’t do it. She was feeling massively anxious about coming back to work since she works the night shift, and knew that she had to change it up before then so as to avoid a massive meltdown on the part of her child at 1-no longer sleeping with her at night 2-no longer being able to breastfeed to fall asleep (which was the only way that she was able to fall asleep).

      Since I had been there and done that, I sympathized, and gave her some recommendations. Yet, a few months later, same complaints (and woe is me fb statuses), and no changes. “Incapable” of hearing her child cry, she never went through with the sleep training.

      And you know what? At some point, I was tired of her playing the sanctimartyr fb card, complaining to everyone she knew about how parenting is SO HARD, and how much she was struggling. I have loads of empathy as a person, but this… I mean, if you aren’t willing to make certain decisions, and the you complain endlessly, I just can’t be as empathetic.

      She once told me that it’s not her fault that my baby is “easier” than hers (*eyeroll*). I can’t deal with people who will blame their children on being difficult, instead of evaluating whether their parenting tactics work for their kids.

      In any case, going back to this article… I don’t know if this woman has issues with her child that she doesn’t know how to deal with – her daughter has a difficult time napping at daycare, and seems like the previous worker was frustrated with that. Perhaps new daycare worker needed to vent to a friend about being tired of having to deal with babies who just can’t nap independently, and then have to deal with them being grumpy all day. Such a shame she hit send before realizing she sent it to the wrong person. But hey, I have one kid (and one on the way) and am frustrated when just SHE doesn’t nap. Can’t imagine having to deal with all those kids at once!

      • Kay_Sue

        She does state in her Reddit post that the baby naps independently. My problem would be all the assumptions that the daycare worker makes about people that nurse on demand and co-sleep. A baby that co-sleeps can nap just as well as any other baby, and nursing on demand at night doesn’t mean that the mom nurses all night–just that she nurses when baby is hungry. It just seems like the daycare worker had issues with one baby, and now has projected those issues onto another family.

      • Véronique Houde

        Well, she did mention that she does have “issues”, I wonder what those were at the other daycare? Author does mention that her comments hit close to home because some of it was true (perhaps the fact that she doesn’t sleep long enough?) I don’t know. Like I said, if co-sleeping and nursing work for you, AWESOME. If it doesn’t, and you expect the daycare worker to “fix” the issue (which I don’t know if this is what the author was expecting or not), then that sucks. In any case, I would encourage the daycare worker to have a nap ;). She seems to need a break!

      • Kay_Sue

        I agree. I would just personally expect her to be more understanding, or at least to be more careful about how she vents. It’s part of being a professional.

        The simple fact is, not all babies nap well, co-sleeping or not. My sister didn’t nap well. She never co-slept, and would nap for 30 minutes at a time…or less. The willingness of the daycare worker to attribute any potential issues to the parenting is a problem, in my opinion. It indicates that she has a very clear idea of what’s right and wrong in parenting, and it would make me think, as the parent receiving the text, that she wouldn’t be willing to work with me or to try different things to help my kid adjust to the environment. I’d assume she’d write off any potential transitional problems as my parenting, without trying to adapt. Instead of trying to understand, she jumped to judgement, and that would not be someone I would want in charge of my kids, either. I don’t blame drpetersen in the slightest for looking elsewhere.

        She totally needs a break. A nap would do everyone in this situation some good (and me also, a good nap sounds awesome) ;)

      • Véronique Houde

        God, I wish I could nap right now and I woke up barely two hours ago :S….

      • Kay_Sue

        Me too, lol. Something about getting the kids up and the oldest out of the house to school just saps me!

      • Nicole Petersen

        Her current daycare provider complained that her naps are too short, and that she wants to be held too much. I wanted to be up front about those issues with any potential new providers.

      • kay

        my baby cosleeps part of the night. On my boob mostly. She takes better naps than most babies her age (Consistent on time and length, goes down easily, etc).

    • Jodi

      Oh my goodness…this daycare provider’s text really gets to me. I used to do mental health consultation to child care centers, working with providers on trying to bridge this gap between differing parenting styles regarding sleep/feeding with very young babies at home and the needs for schedule/structure in the child care center. Many providers were wonderful and receptive to working collaboratively with families to find solutions that worked for all. But occasionally I would hear these comments slamming moms for co-sleeping and nursing on demand. Gets me so infuriated. As if the family is deliberately trying to subvert the child care arrangement! And hello – co-sleeping and nursing on demand are HEALTHY for kids! It seems as though this provider in the text is projecting her own laziness onto the mother – she doesn’t seem willing to do a little bit of extra work to help out with a more high maintenance baby so she deems the mother lazy for what…not letting her child scream all night to “train” her for day care? Ugh. I feel terribly for all of those poor families who have to put up with day care centers/providers like these!

      • Véronique Houde

        Ummm…. Can i be honest for a second? (well, obviously I will – there’s no use asking is there…) I sense a little bit of judgement coming from your post on parents who use CIO-similar techniques with their kids – not by actually saying it, but by the tone of your message. I could be wrong, but I sense that you truly believe in co-sleeping and other AP practices and do your best to help daycare providers to find ways of making it work in their practices, but you are kind of demeaning another way of parenting (perhaps unintentionally…).

        I DO wonder why it is the daycare provider’s responsibility to “work” with the parents… I mean, they have sometimes 6-8 kids to take care of, all with their own parents who do things differently. Perhaps it’s asking them too much to adapt so much. Would it be more realistic for parents to adapt their parenting to the fact that their child will be spending a large part of the day with a group that doesn’t include his or her parents? The needs of one can never outweigh the needs of a group, and I just think that ovewhelming workers with all these demands isn’t necessarily a “best practice”.

        Perhaps it’s good that this woman choose a daycare whose philosophy more closely resembles her own parenting philosophies. Perhaps it’s best that this woman won’t become the daycare worker for the child – perhaps the way she structures her center wouldn’t work with this child.

      • Kay_Sue

        The simple truth? It’s their job to work with the kids because the parents pay them to. And all of those other kids parents pay them to, also. And daycare is expensive.

        Would it be okay if (retail drudge here) I had ignored difficult customers because I had fifty other customers in the store? Nope, because each and every one of them was spending their hard earned money in my store, and they each deserved attention.

      • Véronique Houde

        Well, running a store and a daycare aren’t really the same thing… I mean, yes, parents are paying daycares, but the daycare worker also has to establish routines and rules for her group so that the day can run as smoothly and safely as possible. A daycare worker’s responsibility, if met with 50 clients at once would be to 1-hire more workers or 2-refuse service to some clients since it’s not safe to have so many children at once. I do think it’s easier for parents to change CERTAIN things to a CERTAIN limit with their children than to assume that the daycare worker will adapt her rules and structure to EVERY child’s needs and preference. I mean, there’s a happy middle to be met, but I do think some of it has to come more from the parents than from the worker…

      • Kay_Sue

        Around here, a good daycare can run you $400 (US, obviously) a week. That’s a lot of change to have someone tell me I need to change the routines my baby is used to without even trying to find a compromise on their end.

        While yes, it’s different, the point is that they both center around taking care of customers–not on who would hire more people. If I’d had to deal with fifty customers by myself, I’d probably hire more people too. They’re both service industries where you are being paid to provide a service. If you think you’re incapable of providing that service to the best of your abilities, you need to rethink your presence in the industry. A customer is a customer, and these parents are customers.

        Not only that, but can you imagine the consternation of a child that has to simultaneously adjust to changes in their home and their childcare? It would be a nightmare for a baby to suddenly lose the majority of their security and routine in both places, I think.

      • Tinyfaeri

        Around us it costs more than that. I’m bothered by the daycare not even giving the kid a chance – a baby that doesn’t sleep well with his or her parents right there may do fine in a different setting after an adjustment period.

      • JLH1986

        If the provider has experience with other kids with similar parenting styles they may know that it’s simply not going to work, or the mother doesn’t go into depth on Reddit as to what the “previous issues” were. I think it’s perfectly acceptable for a provider to say that’s out of my depth, or in my experience that’s simply not something we can provide here. I do think she could have left it at that. I know she thought she was venting to a friend but the nastiness behind the text is worrisome to me. Not so much the fact that she doesn’t want to take on a child who might require so much attention/needs.

      • Nicole Petersen

        The “previous issues” were that my daughter takes short naps and can only play independently for about 10 minutes before she wants attention.

      • JLH1986

        I don’t find that taxing…but I’m not a daycare provider. She definitely went off base with the moral judgment call.

      • Véronique Houde

        How old was she when this happened? Because, with everything that I have said, that sounds totally normal to me!

      • Nicole Petersen

        5 months.

      • Cee

        The thing is that all parents are paying the same amount, so the same amount of care needs to be given to each child. When a child’s demands are more than another, it is very difficult.

        I have never worked in a daycare, but I have worked in schools with students who have been extremely difficult for one reason or another. This disrupts the education the other children should be receiving. How would you feel knowing that every day you send your child to school they, along with their peers are disrupted daily for about half an hour to an hour?
        You are seeing this as if you are the parent of the child who is being talked about. Now, try seeing this as the parent or paying customer of one of the many children that will need to be neglected in order to pay attention to that one child.
        Should a daycare cooperate with different parenting styles? Yes! But a parent should put some forethought when their parenting style is one that can be very dependent on their presence and prepare their child for this change.

        It is the care givers job to try to meet the demand, but here it is also the parents responsibility to prepare the child.

      • Kay_Sue

        I’m looking at this from every point of view, believe me, and merely pointing out the answer to Veronique’s question.

        The reason that this parent, and every parent that sends their child to daycare, expects an attempt at accommodation to be made is that they are paying *a lot* of money for someone else to watch their children. If the daycare situation isn’t working out, the daycare has the option to refuse to take the child. If they don’t want to deal with it, they can say “no”. But if they accept the child, yes, it is their job to accommodate as much as they can, and to do so professionally. It is their job to work with the family and to try to balance the needs of many children within the framework that they have. That’s the nature of the job, and it’s a bitch. Period. It’s not an easy job, which is why they can charge as much as they do for it.

        Every customer/client interaction has its limits. There are points where you have to say “enough is enough and we can’t accommodate you”. But without even trying, this childcare provider has made a snap judgement. I’m not okay with that, not from anyone. If my dog were being boarded with someone that made a snap judgement like this, I still wouldn’t be okay with it. Maybe from my doctor, based on my lifestyle choices, but I think that would be about the extent of it.

        Do I think this childcare provider is evil? No. Nor do I think this child should be subject to two or three HUGE changes in routine because of the childcare provider’s judgement. Because going to a new daycare, ceasing co-sleeping, and moving away from feeding on demand are world-rocking changes for an infant. Not to mention, as has been stated multiple times, seemingly excessive nighttime feedings are sometimes baby’s way of saying “I miss you, hold me, I need to be close to you”.

        The best case scenario here–and this is why that text was a blessing–is that the family in question can now pick another childcare provider, who will hopefully be willing to at least attempt to accommodate before making a judgement.

      • TngldBlue

        There is a big difference in the laws that apply to a store vs a daycare facility. The day care center has to structure their day and every component of it based on the best care practices set forth by their state or they face ramifications. That makes it far more difficult to be as flexible as a store employee is able to be when dealing with a difficult customer (or child).

      • Kay_Sue

        I really hope you understand that I understand this.

        The point being made isn’t that they are the same. The point is that they are both service-related, and as such, you’re paying for service. Period. This childcare center is in business to provide a service, period.

        There are limits to what you can do for customers in any situation. If she truly felt this child was going to be so difficult, they needed to make the decision, and not the snap judgement, and be professional enough to relay it to the parents. If there were things the parents could adjust, it would be professional to also relay that to the parents…

      • TngldBlue

        Eh I was going to argue with you but let’s just agree to disagree because the sassyness is more than I can handle on this Tuesday feels like a Monday.

      • http://www.gamedevwidow.weebly.com/ Theresa Edwards

        Not weighing in either way but your kid’s primary caregiver at a center won’t be raking in 400 bucks a week for each kid. I worked at a super expensive place and got about 8.50 an hour. My own opinion is that you should work with the parents to keep the children comfy–makes everyone much happier.

      • Kay_Sue

        I understand that, but it doesn’t change the underlying principle: This is a provider/client relationship. You have to approach it from a customer service standpoint.

      • Cee

        I don’t know. I think you’re being overly simplistic about this. As a person who works in education, I can never view a child as a transaction, just as I am sure that most parents don’t send their kids to school thinking they’re transactions.
        I never thought I was just providing a service If I saw it that way, I truly would not care about a child and just see them as numbers, test scores and bench marks.

      • JLH1986

        I get what you are saying, but I think some businesses get a little more wiggle room. For example, mental health field, client’s can pay up to $120 a hour depending on insurance etc. But if I only have ONE counselor who has competency in PTSD and that counselor has a full client load and a client has PTSD, it’s possible that the client will have to be turned down. Now that depends on if other counselors want to try to become competent, supervision availability etc. etc. But I think a daycare provider is similar, if they know that child with whatever history the mom referenced simply won’t be a good fit or that it’s possible that this child could require a lot of hoop jumping to make it work with the other infants, they are under no obligation to accept that child. They are as a business professional obligated to be polite and professional and address it with mom not talk smack in text and make judgment calls on parents based on minimal information.

      • keelhaulrose

        In our daycare we accommodated, to a point. But we had a lot of things we had to do, by law, and law trumps a single child’s routine. By law we had to do a certain number of enrichment activities every day, and most would happen in morning. A child who was used to wandering and doing what they want was encouraged (at a younger age) and, not forced but it wasn’t optional, at an older age to participate. It’s part of school readiness.
        We had to take the kids outside or to a large-motor area twice a day for half an hour each time. Because we were a large facility we had certain times for each room, and it didn’t matter if Susie takes extra time for snack, we have to go. We’re required to have nap time, and we’re required to keep it quiet so kids can rest. If Bobby doesn’t want nap, that’s fine, but he can’t do whatever he wants, even if he’s allowed to play instruments at this time at home.
        Reasonable accommodations can be made, but we’ve got a room full of kids paying the same rate, most of whom are already on our schedule, and they (and our center’s policies) also deserve consideration.

      • Kay_Sue

        I agree that there should be limits. There are always limits to any customer interaction. There’s only so far you can go before you have to say “no”.

        But you still have to be willing to at least make an effort to accommodate. That’s what customer service is.

      • brebay

        When I did daycare (in a center) years ago, I had parents who wanted me to “accommodate” their parenting style by hitting the kid’s hand or backside as discipline. I told them I could not. “No, really, I want you to.” “Oh, really? Well the center can lose it’s license for striking a child regardless of whether it’s legal for a parent to spank (which it is) so I’m glad you’re cool with it, it won’t be happening.”

      • ElleJai

        Oh man, I would have showered those kids with extra love to make up for that crap at home.

      • ScienceGeek

        $400 a week, is that all? My daycare is $86 a day, and it’s considered very reasonable, even cheap, for such a good centre. A co-worker pays $120 a day, has shorter hours, and even has to provide the food for her baby.
        Which brings me to my point, I suppose. If you want to see this as a transactional process, then you have acknowledge Supply and Demand as well. If you don’t like having to change your child’s routine to suit the child care operators, that’s really not a problem for them. Not when there’s plenty of kids on the waiting list who can take your child’s place.
        When they don’t need you nearly as much as you need them, they dictate the level of ‘customer service’, not you.

      • LifePerspectives

        Retail, I’ve worked that before. Never had infants needing different things from me there though…
        So, speaking to you on a retail level…

        How would you handle several customers who were rude and loud. Your job depends on not making them angry and going to your boss.

        Two want your undivided attention and are very loud about it.
        Two want to check out emediatly… one of those just can’t make up their minds on which color suits them… There is a sale and it’s buy one get one free.
        How would you handle it? You are paid to make customers happy. You are the face of that store. How you speak, dress and act will effect them directly.
        You can’t be in all places at once… what do you do? Your paid good money to wait on these customers. Hurry!

        Walk a mile in a persons shoes before “demanding” your rights.
        I also suggest you work for about a month non stop in a daycare before you start judging. Those Corporations don’t pay the providers very much. Trust me, I know.
        Some Daycare Director/Owners are not the nicest people in the world and if you as parents knew some of what goes on you wouldn’t leave your child in one.
        Not all are bad. But there are many.

      • Jodi

        I never co-slept with my kids and definitely not a hard core AP person (I nursed and wore them sometimes but co-sleeping never worked for us). I am not judgmental about particular parenting practices – you gotta do what works for your kid/family! I have 2 very different kids who are being parented very differently b/c of their needs so I am the farthest thing from judgmental when it comes to parenting. Having my own kids has helped give me perspective in my work as well. I brought the co-sleeping/nursing on demand issue up b/c this directly relates to this story. I don’t necessarily favor these practices (although they are not generally seen as harmful and often seen as beneficial) and I don’t judge others for NOT co-sleeping and/or nursing on demand. I AM, however, judgmental when it comes to rude and unprofessional child care providers who criticize parents who are already working really hard and doing their best for their kids. As I said in the previous comment, I enjoyed working with and helping parents and child care providers to come to a middle ground and work out these issues. Loved it! But when someone is rude and judgmental (as this texting provider appears to be), I lose my patience. Unacceptable. Working parents, ALL parents, deserve better for their children than this.

      • helloshannon

        well i guess that is the difference between a shitty ass daycare and a good one. a good one will work with each child and their needs on a 1-to-1 basis. a shitty one just barely makes sure your child lives, hopefully.

      • JLH1986

        I wouldn’t say that. I think quality daycares do have to tell parents that their wishes can’t be accommodated because there are x number of other kids who would be disrupted because Susie needs to eat at 1115 and not 11. I don’t think this provider vented appropriately but I also wouldn’t say if a provider says sorry that’s not going to work that they are a shitty daycare.

      • EX

        As someone who both co-slept (at night) for nine months and then sleep trained using modified CIO I just want to say that the situation is not always what it seems. I had no intention of co-sleeping but had a child who would not allow me to put her down day/night, awake/asleep for the first few months of her life. So baby wearing and co-sleeping it was. I was very aware that this was going to be a problem when she started day care so we worked hard (to varying degrees of success) on getting her to nap independently. As for night time – she started day care at 4 months old (so too young for CIO) and then, within a week of starting day care caught her first cold which lead to 4 months of chronic ear infections which eventually ended in PE tube surgery. I would have loved to sleep train her at 6 months but she was sick and you cannot sleep train a sick child. So, she co-slept and nursed on demand for 9 months. There really wasn’t any other option. Sometimes it’s not so easy to change a routine or adapt your parenting to fit with the day care situation.

      • Véronique Houde

        I commend you for doing your best for your child, which meant both doing what was right in the moment, and trying to adapt the situation to help her at daycare as best as possible. My baby sounds a lot like yours – in the first few months, she refused to sleep unless it was in our arms. I started sleep training her at about 5 months, which was right about when she started teething. That meant that it took a lot longer to sleep train completely because her teeth would hurt her most at night! Trust me, I get it :).

        I’m just coming from a place where a lot of parents who I work with co-sleep and are miserable about it, and complain about it, and then refuse to do anything to change their situation. I admit that this might have nothing to do with this parents’ situation. My sole point was that for my coworker, she’ll have no choice but to change things up since she works nights, and yet doesn’t do anything because “she can’t tolerate her child crying”.

      • EX

        Understood. I guess the point is we really don’t have all the information about this family and their parenting choices and, it sounds like, neither did the day care. It would just be so nice if we could all go through life assuming that everyone is trying their best and save the judgement. Yes, I know this is a fantasy world I’m talking about!

      • Whatwhatque

        I think you said it all there- you tried to do what you could within your power to make them have an easier transition to day care. Didn’t work out as planned but you were conscious. Obviously, we all agree the day care person came off as callous but if a co-sleeping parents does nothing to prepare their child for the structure of daycare, that’s on the parent and I’m sure day care providers get frustrated with that mentality.

      • Nicole Petersen

        Funny you should mention mental health — the daycare provider who sent the accidental text is also an LMFT.

    • EX

      I would really hate to know what my daughter’s daycare teachers really think of my parenting. I definitely feel judged sometimes, like when she’s going through a difficult phase but I tend to think that’s because I’m too sensitive and not because they’re really judging me. I’d like to keep it that way!

      • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

        I know it’s like, better off NOT knowing right?

      • EX

        The way I see it, I’d rather they silently judge me for being a shitty parent than take it out on my kid for being “bad.” But I’d still rather that judgement be silent!!

      • Ana

        The ladies at my daycare talk about me in a foreign language while I’m standing right there. I don’t know why people think that just because you don’t understand the words you can’t tell that you’re the one being talked about. But they take good care of my daughter and she loves them and is happy to be there, so I ignore it. I could give a damn what they think of me as long as she is healthy and happy.

      • Alfreda Wells Morrissey

        I made the mistake of going to a forum to ask if it is normal that daycare refuses children, and kick out children who no longer nap at 4 and up. After reading how the daycare ladies talk about their parents, it really made me want to pull my children from care. You can’t un-see that. Apparently all children nap until 5 and if yours doesn’t it is because you are a lazy parent who doesn’t have your kid on a schedule. If you say you have your kid on a schedule, you are either lying or doing something wrong. YIKES!!! It was awful.

      • Kay_Sue

        Napping until 5? HA! That ha is from me.

        And HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAH! That is from my (now) seven year old who gave up napping when he was 2 and a half. That was it. There was no going back. I could have tied him to the bed, and it would not have helped.

        Now my three year old? He naps like a champ. Sleeps all night, 8 to 7, then wants a three to four hour nap mid afternoon. Every day. Every kid is different. It’s sad that childcare providers, especially, don’t seem to understand that.

      • Alfreda Wells Morrissey

        My eldest stopped napping at three was not able to sit and color or look at books for the 2-3 hour required napping period. For some reason they would also not let her watch TV while the other kids napped. She was kicked out of two daycares for this reason. The second one I had even informed them that she was kicked out of her last daycare for not napping. Thankfully she is in grade 1 now and there is finally no nap.

        My youngest (5) naps like a champ, but then can’t fall asleep at night time. I am thankful at least it puts the problem on my plate so she won’t get kicked out of daycare. Just 7 more months and she can start kindergarten. Then it is only a 15 minute nap. Oh but the teacher says it is meditation time not a nap. They have to lay down on their blankets for 15 minutes quietly, but it is not a nap.

      • pixie

        My parents tell me that I pretty much stopped napping (on a schedule) once I started sleeping through the night, which was a pretty young age. I spent a lot of time in the car where I would fall asleep, so I did kind of nap, but not at any specific time or specific amount of time. I don’t remember having to do naps in preschool, junior kindergarten, or kindergarten, but knowing myself, it probably would have been a disaster trying to get me to lie down quietly for a specific amount of time to “nap”. Playing quietly would have been no problem, but lying down was not really my thing (except, of course, when whatever I was make-believing required me to lie down).

      • Spiderpigmom

        My son also gave up napping most days around 2 and a half. I was so bummed: I assumed he’s be like his cousin who was still having a long daily nap at 4 yo.

      • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter
      • C.J.

        That’s ridiculous, I don’t know any kids that napped until they were 5. Where I live kids start school at 4. My kids had a quiet time for 30 minutes at school when they were 4 but they weren’t expected to nap, if they did that was ok too. Quiet time was there to help the children that needed some wind down time adjust to going to school. The next year when they were 5 there was no more quiet time.

      • TngldBlue

        Most states have laws requiring nap time at day care centers until age 5 if the child is there full day. My 4 year old doesn’t nap but she has to lay on her cot and read or play quietly in the room with the other kids during nap time (although sometimes the director lets her sneak out & sit with her instead). Kicking out seems rather extreme geesh. I didn’t know about the law until I asked them to stop having her lay down as it was obvious at home she no longer need her mid day siesta!

      • auntiea

        In Missouri the law is (roughly) that they must be “provided” nap time. You can have the children on their cots for 30 minutes, but if they are not sleeping, or do not want to be on their cot after this time you cannot keep them on there.

      • keelhaulrose

        We loved all the kids in our room, even the difficult ones.
        Yes there were parents we couldn’t stand. The one who took the girls out of one twins mouth to give it to the other comes to mind. Our the one who brought her son in wearing pajamas and the same diaper we sent him home in. Or the one who thought it was “cute” their toddler was a biter.
        Some of the kids had frustrating behaviors (the aforementioned biter), but we loved them.

      • EX

        Frankly that’s all that matters. And thank you – it was nice to hear that!

    • Alexandra

      OOh that’s really awkward, however, it seems that if a parent is going to co-sleep, nurse all night and the baby cannot sleep on its own, that is an impossible situation for a daycare! Daycare is not the parent. They’re going to keep your child safe and fed for 8 – 10 hours, but they’re not going to replace you by doing all the things you do. So if you have a very needy child (not saying that’s a bad thing!) maybe daycare is not the right fit for you.

      • Rochelle

        In the mother’s defence, sometimes these things are out of our control. My second baby was extremely high needs. I didn’t plan to cosleep, or nurse all night, that was the only way I could get him to sleep. He only napped for around half an hour at a time. I tried everything to change this situation, nothing worked. Finally, at 5 months old my mom finally managed to convince him to take a soother, which helped a tiny bit, but he was still very difficult until he was 9 months old, then, for some unknown reason he became a good sleeper.

        I’m fortunate, I live in Canada and had a year off, but if I’d had no choice but to go to work sooner and had to choose a daycare, I would have hoped to find one with compassion and not judgement.

      • katia

        even if they are compassionate, they have standards and limits. i would never want to sleep train my kids but that might be the better thing to do before daycare starts, for the kid’s sake. i didnt think the lady lacked compassion for the baby, only for the mom. (and she is entitled to her opinion) im glad the daycare lady thinks about what she can handle, and the baby’s feelings, instead of just taking the money and saying its fine

      • Nicole Petersen

        Hi, I am the mom from the story. My daughter isn’t particularly needy, but she does take shorter naps (30 to 45 minutes) and it isn’t working for her current provider, so I wanted to be up front with any future providers. This is what I got in return.

      • http://ichasekids.com/ Litterboxjen

        My kid was always a 45-minute napper when she was on multiple naps throughout the day. I asked our pediatrician about it, and she said that kids’ sleep habits often come from the parents — so if you have one parent who doesn’t need as much sleep (which my husband would say is me), then the kid’s the same way.

        Now that she’s on one nap a day, our daycare provider will wake her around the 1-hour mark if she isn’t up already. If I’m home with her, I let her sleep/stay in her crib as long as I can. ;)

    • chickadee

      The main problem I have with this is the misdirected nature of the text. Yes, calling the parents lazy was very rude, but she was clearly venting. I have sent texts to my husband regarding some of my students that make them sound like troglodytes.

      I suspect that this woman has had some difficulties with AP parents, particularly with sleep schedules. Based on location, the best ratio of infants to adult is 1:3 (Massachusetts), so I can see where a poor sleeper could cause problems.

      In Texas, the ratio is 1-11 month olds….1:4. 12-17 months…..1:5. 18-23 months…..1:9. Those are some pretty horrible numbers…and that’s only if the day care abides by regulations.

      • Véronique Houde

        OMG imagine taking care of 4 infants by yourself… :S

      • chickadee

        Yeah, NO. I have a friend who had twins, and she was exhausted throughout their infancy. I can’t imagine caring for infants at a daycare. And think about trying to keep track of NINE babies under 2….walking, falling, trying to climb on things….I think I would gouge out my uterus with salad tongs.

      • Véronique Houde

        It kind of puts things into perspective doesn’t it? If I were a daycare worker with those kind of ratios and a parent came in with a child that would potentially throw off my previously crafted routine, I would TOTALLY flip out :S

      • chickadee

        That’s what it sounded like to me….that a crabby sleeper, or a baby that cries often, would upset the other babies. Some children just don’t do well at day care. I was so glad that I didn’t have to put my eldest into day care when she was a baby, because I am pretty sure the employees would have kicked her out!

      • Ana

        Totally. Running a daycare would be like a nightmare to me. I love being a mom, but there is no way I could handle a whole bunch of kids all day (here it is 1:5 infants, 1:10 toddlers). I think we should cut them some slack. Everyone complains about their job sometimes, and daycare seems like a pretty stressful one.

      • keelhaulrose

        That wasn’t that bad. The infants I worked with could be easily entertained by puzzles, bubbles, or the flashlight game.
        10 two year olds by myself nearly killed me.

      • JLH1986

        Perhaps it’s because I have worked in the legal field for 12 years, or because I work in mental health field now but in my head I keep correcting the text message so it comes across as less judgmental and more “I have some concerns about this child’s routine impacting our current clients”. Which I *think* is what the employee was trying to convey. She just did a poor job of it. Though I think where she really loses credibility is when she calls the parents “lazy”.

      • Véronique Houde

        OMG I totally understand that, but this was meant to be sent to a friend as a way to vent. I think my friend would totally laugh at me if I started bitching about a potential client and said “I have concerns about the child’s routine impacting our clients” ;)

      • JLH1986

        ha ha true. From working at a law office, I do send personal emails that way. lol My friends just tell me to put professional Jen away.

      • chickadee

        It sounded, though, as if she were texting someone with whom she was in full agreement. It didn’t sound like it was meant to be a professional assessment.

      • Jen

        1:3 sounds amazing to me! I just put my son in daycare at 10 weeks old and here in Georgia, the ratio of infant to caregiver is 1:6.

      • auntiea

        Holy cow! As a former infant/toddler teacher (now nanny) I could not imagine 6 to myself! Here it’s 1:4. When they were all having a rough day and crying and I was alone with them, I wanted to cry too.

    • Aja

      While the provider was definitely wrong for not making sure she was sending the text to the right person, how many of us who work full time don’t vent about their jobs? I work around educators all day, and *newsflash* as precious as your kids are, they can also be challenging and annoying. It is incredibly difficult for someone tasked with taking care of say 6 kids at once to completely restructure the day to manage the needs of one child. Attachment parenting may very well be the best for her daughter, but with the daycare provider probably has already experienced it being a pain in the @$$ before, which is why she reacted this way.

      If we’re going to make the comparison between daycare centers and other service oriented industries, as someone who worked in those industries forever I could tell when something was going to be a nuisance. Did I accomodate the old ladies who took 15 minutes writing a check when my line was backed up? Yes. Were they wrong for writing checks? No, it’s what worked for them. But it didn’t stop me from venting about it later or thinking “crap!!!!” When they showed up in my line.

      • ChillMama

        I see your point, but I think this is somewhat different. Here, the daycare provider didn’t state (as you did) that it was ok for the mom to do what she did, but that it made her life more difficult. Rather, she made a moral judgment about the mom herself (she’s “lazy” etc.). I think there is a big difference between the two, and the judging of the lady’s parenting skills is what makes it so hurtful.

    • ChillMama

      If I were that mother I would be very sad-angry. I’d be sad because I would be second-guessing myself and thinking I was a failure, and weirdly angry because I felt like someone was judging my child as somehow inferior.

    • keelhaulrose

      I worked for years in daycare, and I won’t lie, we vented about parenting styles a lot. Especially with new children who weren’t accustomed to our routine, or any routine, yet. We got parents who put breakfast out for their children and let them come to it when they wanted. In our room (older infants/toddlers) we had tables for the kiddos. Letting them wander back and forth to eat violated a dozen or so rules, but of course the kid hates the change to his routine, and it’s frustrating because you don’t want them to go hungry.
      We’d vent about parents who were weaning their kids off the pacifier and insisted we not give them one… who would often pop one in baby’s mouth as soon as they walked in.
      Or the ones who want their kids held whenever they cry, and the kid cries whenever they aren’t held (and I’m alone with four other kids and it’s diaper change time).
      Yes, it can be very frustrating when we got a kid who didn’t nap. We had things to do during that time, such as disinfecting the toys, and we don’t want a kid getting a hold of a bleach bottle.
      The worst were the parents who didn’t seem to know we had 11-14 other kids in our room, because their snowflake has a schedule and we must adapt the schedule we’ve used for years to match their schedule.
      It can be frustrating for because some people don’t realize exactly what goes into running a daycare, especially a licensed one. It’s not just playing with babies all day. This doesn’t excuse the horrible text. We don’t talk about every parent, but when a difficult one comes in we vent the way anyone else vents about their job.

      • Fed up

        “People don’t realize exactly what goes into running a daycare?!” Really? Um…it is a business. Running a business requires work. Sometimes a lot of work. It requires making customers happy and giving them what they pay for. Millions of business owners do this every day. I love how *some* day care centers/providers think that they are exempt from these principles, and instead expect their customers (parents) to acquiesce to THEIR needs. Seriously. Parents are paying good money for day care. And these are their children for crying out loud! Adapt. Figure out a way. Good day care centers and providers accommodate to families needs. Bad ones don’t. Enough said.

      • keelhaulrose

        It’s not the same as running a business, and if you think so you’ve never really been in a daycare.
        You’re not just providing a service. It’s not like a movie theater where you pay admission and you’re entertained for a few hours. That would be a great way for the center to go Lord of the Flies really quickly.
        We’re required to be more like a school. Every activity has to be planned out, at least a week in advance. I can’t just have them finger paint, I have to justify why finger painting is an enticing activity and how it helps them develop. And I have to monitor their finger paintings over time to see if they’re developing properly or if they’re still using an immature form. If they are I have to find different activities to help them develop, and if that still doesn’t work I have to write a recommendation for an intervention and explain to a parent why I think it should be a concern that their eighteen month old isn’t standing on own. And I have to do this for fifteen different children. Name one other business like this.
        The center must provide them with a strict nutritional menu. You can’t just give them cheese sandwiches and an apple every day. And you must follow the guidelines and needs of every different age group or child. Toddlers and infants can’t have grapes and need their food cut up into tiny pieces, Billy has a lactose allergy but he loves grabbing good off other kids plates, Jenna is transitioning to solid food so I need to know how thin to make her cereal so she doesn’t choke.
        The room itself is strictly designed as well. All the art has to be at the kids level, which occasionally means taping it to the floor. Babyproofed is just the start, everything has to be washed/sanitized twice a day. Cribs and cots have to be individually labeled. Things hung on the wall must be informative and engaging. We have to have sixty minutes of gross motor time every day, circle time, art, fine motor activities, music, and reading. We have to diaper according to standards, and it was a 12 step process for each child, including washing hands twice and sanitizing the area for each child. We could lose our job if we skipped a single step. We also have to toilet train the older kids, and figure out what to do if you’ve got ten kids outside and one says they need the potty. Even older children must be prepared for school, and eventually transported there
        On top of all this every child has at least one parent, and many of these want special considerations for their kids. We’re pacifier free in the two year old room, then a new parent comes in who insists their child gets their pacifier during the day, and suddenly I’ve got a war for the One Binky on my hands, and I’ve got six incident reports to write up.
        Tell me again how it’s just like running a business. I can’t think of many other businesses run like this. I haven’t seen a bookstore determining the reading level of each client through testing and selecting books based on the results, but I’ve done that in my center.

      • Fed up

        What do you expect? Of COURSE you have to to these things. You are taking care of PEOPLE! Little people with lots of intense needs. I have spent LOTS of time in daycares, actually for my former job. I have seen the work that goes into it. But again, this is the nature of the job/business. This is what is expected from paying customers. No, it is not like a bookstore. Because it is day care. I really don’t see how just because it is a lot of work for providers, that means that families and children should have to alter their lifestyles and/or put up with less than stellar service. Enough with the excuses. I have seen wonderful centers make the accommodations for individual children and families. And with a smile to boot! It is more than possible. It just requires a little bit of organization, motivation, kindheartedness and work.

      • keelhaulrose

        Unless you have 15 other children in your house you cannot expect a daycare to cater to your exact schedule. Accommodations should be made, but it is not your house. And, frankly, some of the behaviors we see parents letting their kids do around their house would get us shut down as a center. As much as I want to, I can’t sit a two year old down in front of a TV in a center. And I shouldn’t be able to, daycares are held to a higher standard than letting kids watch TV. But parents do it all the time.
        I know many parents let their five year olds help cook. I bring a five year old to the kitchen of the center and of course the state will close our doors. It’s not safe.
        Should I have to significantly disrupt an entire class because a new two year old prefers their naps from three to four, when our usual time is one to two? Or should I put their cot out and try to let them sleep when the other nineteen kids in the room are awake, active, and used to being able to make as much noise as possible?
        Every daycare I’ve ever worked at has a daily routine that becomes more structured as the child ages and is pretty set when they’re two, with minor tweaking as to who gets to be out on the playground or who has music class when. That is the routine that parents agree to follow when they put their child into the center. Accommodations can be made to an extent and not to the detriment of other kids at the center. If you kid absolutely as to nap from three to four perhaps the office will allow them to put their cot on the floor and do some quiet work, but I’m still going to expect him to play quietly while all the other kids are napping from one to two. But if you want your kid to follow the exact same routines as you do at home, and if you want them to have the same sort of freedoms and access they do at home, then a daycare center isn’t for you and you should look into in-home care. Part of the reason a daycare structure is preferable is because there is that routine. You wouldn’t expect a school, which also takes care of children, to stop class from one to two because your six year old still naps. You wouldn’t expect them to stop every half hour because your child does better if they can play for fifteen minutes after doing half an hour of work. Accommodations can be made to a point, but you can’t go in there demanding everyone cater to your child only.

      • Ana

        Good points. I for one appreciate the routine, and try to follow the daycare’s nap & meal schedule on the weekend. I figure they know what they’re doing and she can’t get away with as much over there. We just had my daughter out for most of last week because MIL was visiting, and my husband and I said we couldn’t wait for her to get back in daycare and on her routine. She starts to think the world revolves around her when she’s away.

      • http://ichasekids.com/ Litterboxjen

        I’ve checked in with our daycare provider to get a sense of when she feeds the kids and puts them down for naps, too. That way I can keep a similar schedule on weekends — one, for my kid’s sake, since she’s used to eating/sleeping at that time, and two, for our provider’s sake, so Monday isn’t hell for her with my kid all off-schedule.

        We’re still recovering from Christmas, from what I can see. Argh.

      • Fed up

        I understand there needs to be a structure and schedule. That is important at home as well. But you keep talking about children napping on cots. This text was about INFANTS’ nap and feeding schedules! By nature, very young infants feed and sleep frequently and NOT at regularly “scheduled” times. This is a problem when centers and providers (such as the one above) are frustrated that the baby “only” naps for 30-45 mins. You know what? Sometimes babies go through stages like this. There isn’t much parents can do to stop this (I am talking YOUNG ones, like 4-5 months old). So we are comparing oranges and apples when we are talking about older kids. I agree that they can be helped to move onto the center’s schedule. But I get very protective of those babies in the infant rooms who are being bullied into sleeping on a schedule and those parents who are being made to feel badly for feeding their babies as they would like to (e.g. nursing in general, nursing on demand, etc). THIS is the focus of the piece and THIS is what I take issue with. Centers can and should keep infants on their own unique schedules, hold them when needed, and meet their needs promptly without forcing them on a schedule. Have you ever heard of evaluation tools for child care called the ITERS and ECERS? If not, you should check them out. Here you will find all you need to know about how to meet children’s social/emotional/developmental/mental health needs in child care. And yes, the ITERS clearly states that infants should be on their own schedules and should be accommodated to. Best practices. And yes many high quality centers do this.

      • keelhaulrose

        Even infants have to accommodate to the center at least a bit. If you have 12 infants and 3 staff in a room, and all the infants are scheduled to eat at 9 some are going to have to wait. If you’re an attachment parent it’s unrealistic to think a staff member will always be free to hold your child. Yes, you keep to their schedule the best you can, but sometimes it’s just not possible. If you expect your child to be near someone when asleep and be fed the moment they wake up you have to realize even the best centers make babies wait on occasion, and aren’t set up for a co-sleeper unless they’re an independent napper.

      • carosaurusrex

        What I don’t understand is why someone would plan on putting their infant in daycare and not get them into some sort of routine in preparation.

      • Nicole Petersen

        I spent the better part of a month desperately trying to get her on the daycare provider’s schedule to no avail. If you want details I actually started a blog to document the process:

        http://mamaandmaya.wordpress.com/

        Just look for the tag “nap training.”

        I would have started earlier than a month beforehand, but at that point she was 3 months old, so her schedule was completely different, and I was writing my dissertation.

      • LifePerspectives

        Actually rule of thumb is at 3 month they eat every 3 hrs (formula fed babies), 4 mo eat a little more and should be trying to go 3 1/2 – 4 hrs.
        I don’t think she was comparing apples to oranges. She was talking about a provider and attempting to work with parents who have unrealistic expectations.
        Our childcare works around the infants feeding schedule. They come first. But, I have one baby who cries constantly unless I hold him. I really can’t do that. Not and take care of the other children. Teaching self soothing methods are needed.
        It is hard. Trust me, as a provider and I think MAYBE others can agree with me?…. we don’t do it for the money?
        We do it because we love children and enjoy working from home so we can be there for our sons after school.
        Infants aren’t being “bullied”… they need that time to sleep so their brain has the chance to grow.
        It would be nice if you didn’t use such target terms such as Bullied.
        Yes every infant has their own schedules but not as much as you think. You mentioned evaluation tools… I’ve never heard of those tools but we do have evaluation tools.
        Developmentally each infant has a norm. THAT norm is the schedule. If a child doesn’t sleep, then put them on tummy time (they will cry because they don’t like it), swing time and bouncy seats are limited to a very short time per event as per state rules.

        A provider should be allowed a “down time” to catch her breath a bit. Here an infant can stay in their bed for up to one hr awake. there are all sorts of things we can put in the bed with them that aren’t choking hazards or smothering hazards.
        Maybe the provider wasn’t trained very well?
        But attacking and being forceful and even sharing half the story isn’t going to do anyone any good other than to use providers as a punching bag.
        Not smart if you want a common ground for communication because in the end, who is this about?
        The Parents? NO
        The Providers? NO

        It’s the child.

        If Parents can’t work with Providers and Providers aren’t plugged into an Association or other legal Providers and get training the only one who is harmed is the children.
        Sorry, but there isn’t ONE good answer. Not ONE person is at fault here. There are two. Mom and the Provider.

      • AS

        The problem is that not every center can make every accommodation. If my child was having serious problems at day care, I would definitely be up to altering our schedule at home so she would be happier when away.

      • Fed up

        I guess that is my issue. Day care is SO expensive. Centers should be able to accommodate, especially very young infants sleep and feeding needs. This should be an expectation that parents can have. It is sad that in this country we have such abysmal standards for child care.

      • keelhaulrose

        There is no way that daycare centers would be able to be profitable if they completely tailored their schedule to each individual young infant, because that would require one-on-one care. Sometimes infants have a sudden change in schedule, they’re sick, they’re teething, whatever, and even the most well-run room with a perfectly worked out schedule is going to be messed up.
        If you want your infant to get someone who will immediately respond to whatever need they may have, and ensure that they will never have to wait while another child gets changed/fed/rocked to sleep first you have to spring for private care. As you’ve pointed out so many times, it’s a business. Unless they’re going to start charging $800/wk for an infant, and charge that until they’re ready to adapt to the center’s schedule and can handle waiting a few minutes to have their wants/needs met, there’s no way for a daycare to have that kind of one-on-one attention.

      • LifePerspectives

        You, ma’am, need a NANNY! Rude.
        Enough said!

      • LifePerspectives

        No one should have to change their schedules… If you as a parent can’t make your child’s schedule mesh with the existing one for the many other children, then I guess there are two options… 1. Become a stay home mom or 2. Hire a nanny who has no other children’s needs and can conform to what your child’s needs are.
        Never expect others to change just for you. If you read up that is exactly what she said. New parents expecting things the way they want it. Not a good attitude.

      • http://wtfihaveakid.blogspot.ca/ jendra_berri

        I spent my entire childhood in a daycare. From six months til 3, I was in home care. Then I went to a centre from 3 til 10 years. I am intimately familiar with it all. I fully appreciate and agree with everything you’re saying.
        Kids have to go with the flow of the program. Otherwise there is chaos. Why does that kid not have to nap? Why doesn’t that kid have to go in time out? Why does that kid not have to sit at the table for the whole meal?
        In my experience every child will adapt and then help new children adapt. I can still remember other kids hissing at the new kid to say “Yes, please” and “No, thank you” during snack.
        It’s not like a normal business. Caregiving for children is more than that. There’s so many factors, so many things to do, so many rules and so many variables. Almost anyone can work retail, or serve, or prep food. It takes certain types of people to work at a daycare. It’s a skill not everyone can learn and it takes know-how to juggle that many children in a regulated way. My hat is off to you and your kin.

      • LifePerspectives

        Ohhhh I LIKE you! Well said again.

      • LifePerspectives

        Yes it’s a business. But how many of those businesses have infants crying at them? If you as a mother were to sit in a chair doing something and had to ignore the cries (which rip at your heart) wouldn’t it wear on you? It’s not like any other business. I’ve been working in childcare for over 31 years. Mostly in my home. Yes I get frustrated. I vent just like I’m sure you vent to someone about what happens to you at work. What the provider did wasn’t smart. She shouldn’t have texted anything. What she put in print wasn’t for the mothers eyes though. What is the saying about people who listen to conversations seldom like what they hear? Yes it was sent to her phone. Accident.

        (( Fed up)) , I strongly suggest you try working in a daycare for a month after getting the proper training and see if you think just a little less strongly about the situation.
        Walk in our shoes. Most of us are moms ourselves. We raise our own children AND yours since we have them more hours in the day than most parents do.
        A little more Grace would come in handy. And a little less judgment.

      • LifePerspectives

        Well said!

    • 502 Bad Gateway

      Something tells me that wasn’t “an accident”

    • AP

      A woman I worked with had her baby, who was about 6 months old, kicked out of daycare on the first day because he didn’t nap enough. He was an incredibly placid, even-tempered baby, so we all thought it was hilarious that he got kicked out of daycare for being too rowdy. It turned out that it was a small daycare, and the woman only took babies who slept all day- she wanted the income, without having to “bother” with caring for the babies.

      That said, I teach preschool/elementary school swim lessons and I definitely feel the pain of kids who aren’t used to structure because a parent/nanny is at home and they only do part-day nursery school, so they don’t get that I can’t have all 20 of them telling me their super interesting story during rules time, or that they can’t just wander off because they don’t like front crawl and want to play with the ball instead. But these are babies- of COURSE they’ve never been in a structured environment. What does she expect?

    • L

      As a preschool teacher in a daycare setting, I can tell you I work really hard to not judge parenting styles, so long as they don’t affect the other children and you are actually working with me to help your child.
      However,
      The mother who lets her two-year-old run rampant in my classroom, destroying other kids’ projects, banging on the computer, and coloring on my tables with permanent marker because “she doesn’t like to say the word no”? I judge her.
      The father who gets a note home that his 4yo daughter hit another child and we request his assistance in talking to her to make better choices, and he comes in the next day ranting at the teachers about how the other child was “making fun of her” and that he told her to “defend herself” and wouldn’t tell her not to use her words? I judge him.
      The mother who insists that her baby, who cries a pain cry the entire day, passes man-odor-like gas all day, and spits up non-stop NEVER does any of that at home, it must just be us (turns out his formula was KILLING his stomach)? I judge her a little too.
      If you are honest with us and try your hardest to make sure you’re doing your best for your child, I promise to never, ever judge, but sometimes, when it affects others, it’s just human nature.

    • SA

      1) Be careful who you you are texting
      2) If you are having a problem with a child in your center discuss with the parents things they can do to help without belittling their parenting syle
      3) If you are sending your child for someone else to watch you must realize that you may have to alter the way you do things at home to make your child’s life easier when they are away.

      I have worked in daycare centers and BOTH the parents and the employees can be total bitches. However, having that experience, when I had my baby, I made sure that she experienced time in a bouncy chair, laying by herself, etc b/c I knew that if I held her and wore her 24-7 she would not be ready when the day came and I did not want to do that to her. Even recently, even though I was not ready when they switched her to allowing only one nap a day, I kept with it at home so her body could get used to the routine she has to be on for 5 days a week. There isn’t anything wrong with wanting things done your way as a parent, but you’ll have to find the caregiver that will provide that.

      • ElleJai

        Wait, how old was she when they “allowed” naps? At my centre, in the baby room, the kids nap as often as needed. During transition to the toddler room they still have access to naps as they need them.

        Who on earth only “allows” an exhausted child only one nap at a specified time if they need more?!

    • Jallun-Keatres

      Night nursing is lazy?? F that! My back is still messed up from lifting my baby wrong and I can barely sit up in bed. I’m not standing up and walking to the P’n'P, bending over, picking her up, etc….

    • brebay

      It never occurred to me to tell the daycare provider that I was co-sleeping, I never thought it was her business. Obviously she isn’t going to bed down with him in a daycare center. I’ve worked in daycare and what many parents don’t get is that, to the kid, it’s a whole different plan at daycare, there is constant stimulation, other kids, they do things differently as far as sleep. etc. and the kids do just fine. Babies and toddlers are more flexible than you give them credit for. They may love co-sleeping at home but love being in a crib where they can see other babies or laying on a cot like all the other toddlers while at school. It does not confuse all but the youngest infants. They DO understand two different schedules in 2 different places.

      • Nicole Petersen

        When I told her my baby took short naps, she asked if I coslept. Otherwise I wouldn’t have volunteered it.

    • brebay

      I don’t know that this was accidental, could just be a passive-aggressive way to lose a potential customer she doesn’t want and be a bitch in one step.

    • Nicole Petersen

      It was a little bit strange to see this here. This was my story. I posted my response to the accidental text on my blog:

      http://mamaandmaya.wordpress.com/

    • LifePerspectives

      Yes and as a provider of 31 + years (15 of those are in home) I say the problem was that the provider needed a little more caution. How open was their communication?
      It takes more than just the parents and it’s more than just the provider to care for children.

      Many parents see us as *shudders* “Babysitters”… there is no respect in this.

      I’ve seen things taken out of per portion many times. What is the WHOLE story?
      The texts look bad, but obviously she was talking to someone she felt she could vent to… but why did she feel she had to vent?

      What was the relationship between the parent and provider? Did the provider feel she could go to mom for anything? Or did the mom, like a few do, just not see what the problems were.

      Many parents think only of their children & that is how it should be but many times they forget that we have other children as well as other parents to please.

      I’d be curious to know the whole story.