Screen Shot 2014-01-19 at 9.22.52 PMMy world is a dark place, and it is all thanks to E!‘s new reality show, #RichKids Of Beverly Hills, inspired by the popular Tumblr, Rich Kids of Instagram. The Mommy Wars are officially over. No one could do a worse job than these parents – so now the rest of us are pretty much united in our superiority.

My name is Dorothy Wang, I’m 25-years-old. I was born and raised in Beverly Hills California, the best city in the world! (#alwayssunnyinbeverlyhills) My occupation is being funemployed and fabulux. (#funemployed #fabulux)

When I grow up I want to be… Asian sensation of the world.

In what universe is a 25-year-old a kid? I hate to break it to you Dorothy, but you are a grown up. Also – I’m pretty sure “Asian sensation of the world” is not a job. But what the hell do I know? I’m just one broke adult who after watching an hour of these horrible humans is pretty convinced there really is no such thing as Karma. Or justice. Or fairness.

The next “kid” we meet is 26-year-old Morgan Stewart. She has a blog called “Boobs and Loubs.” Thank god she explained how she came up with the name – she has big boobs and loves Louboutin – because I never could have figured that out on my own. I’m not kidding. How the hell was I supposed to know Louboutin was spelled that way? (Please see earlier reference to financial state). She estimates that she owns about 200 pairs of Louboutains, that each average around $1500.

That’s $300,000. In shoes.

The show progresses the way reality shows always progress; we follow people around and see how they manage to spend the minutes of their days. But these people are vapid, boring and they have nothing interesting to say. So we just follow them around doing what spoiled Beverly Hills kids would be expected to do – can anyone guess what that is? If you guessed shopping on Rodeo Drive and drinking Crystal directly from a double-magnum bottle – congratulations on figuring out the most obvious thing in the world. They also throw in a fair measure of bragging about how worthless they are constantly, because apparently being worthless is the mark of success in super-rich “kid” circles.

I’ve never opened my own bottle of wine before. 

Opening wine is the hardest thing in the entire world to do.

A few other major players make an appearance. There’s Morgan’s millionaire real estate mogul boyfriend Brendan, there’s Roxy – Persian princess, there’s Johnny – Dorothy’s self-proclaimed “very opinionated” friend, and there’s Magic Johnson’s son E.J. He makes an appearance in a sweater cape and Dorothy calls him a fashion icon. So – bonus; sweater capes are in.

You know the sounds an iPhone makes when people don’t turn the text volume option off? The incessant clicking of letters? Isn’t that the worst? The producers of this show thought its contents weren’t annoying enough – so they added that, too. Every time a scene changes – it’s presented in a “screen shot” of a text message composition. Blech.

25 and 26-year-old women are not kids. Dorothy and Morgan are able to fart around all day acting like kids because their parents endlessly fund their ridiculous lifestyles – so I guess the show’s title kind of fits. I’m just going to call it, Parenting Fail: Super Rich Edition.

I love reality TV and even I can’t bring myself to watch another episode of this.

(photo: Instagram)