• Fri, Jan 17 - 4:00 pm ET

TGI Friday Open Thread: I’m Here To Help You Calm Your Ragey Self Down

166131884I’m stressed. Is anyone else? I’m not talking about the kind of intense stress that someone is under when they are going through something devastating. Nothing devastating is happening in my life right now.  I’m talking about the feeling of never fully being in a relaxed state. Does anyone else have this problem?

Yesterday, at the end of the day when I had finished writing, I realized that I hadn’t fully relaxed my neck and shoulders once all day. That is not normal behavior. I took a deep breath and sort of let my arms relax and thought, “how long have I been tensing up these muscles?” Then I let my face relax and felt the same feeling. Do I just stay in a perpetually tense state all day? I don’t even consider myself that high-strung.

So I took to the Internet and found the most amazing site that I have since shared with everyone in the Mommyish offices and want to now share with you: Calm.com.

I don’t want to call it “guided meditation,” because I always fail at that. Let’s just call it a “break.” It’s a site that plays some amazing, calming music and shows the most mesmerizing images. If you put on some headphones, let it fill your screen and zone out on it – it’s almost impossible to not feel a little more relaxed. Try it now. I’m serious. Do it for two minutes.

Did it work for you? Do you feel a little better than before? What’s stressing you out? Does everyone walk around like this – in a perpetual state of tense?

I want to know what people do to calm themselves down when they feel this happening to them. What do you do to give yourself a break? It seems like during the week I usually opt for my usual glass of wine when I finally finish everything I have to do for the day and get the kids down – but obviously I need to try a little harder.

But… TGIF! Is everyone else as excited as Eve seems to be to watch Flowers in the Attic on Saturday night? I never read it because my sister owned it and the image on the cover chilled me to the core. I’m going to have to get over my phobia and watch it though, because Eve will be live-tweeting it and I may be moved to join her.

Also, we will be covering the SAG awards so don’t forget to come check in on the site Saturday night so we can discuss.

(photo: Getty Images)

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  • Kay_Sue

    Bath and Body Works carries this amazing scent in their Aromatherapy line called “Eucalyptis Spearmint”, and I love it. With Christmas having just passed, I am stocked up and I am going to give myself a break tomorrow night when my Mom keeps the kids and I get a long bubble bath. It will be nice, since my partner got called in to work two thirteen hour days in a row and I am pretty much kid-ed out.

    I’m going to give Flowers in the Attic a miss. I just…the entire premise creeps me out. You guys let me know how it goes and maybe I will revisit it later, lol….

    • http://twitter.com/mariaguido Maria Guido

      That sounds amazing! Truthfully – we’ll see if I make the Flowers in the Attic… it’s always creeped me out.

    • Kay_Sue

      I just can’t wrap my mind around it. I’ve read creepy stuff…I mean, Sybil, anyone? But that’s a whole new level of creepy for me, somehow.

    • Natasha B

      Oh that eucalyptus spearmint is the only reason I walk in that store! Heaven!

    • Kay_Sue

      It really is. I like the cherry blossom well enough, but NOTHING tops the eucalyptus spearmint. Especially the foam bath!

  • LJ

    I have been spending the past FOREVER (maybe 1-2 hours) trying to figure out why I couldnt comment on anything. I finally figured out Chrome hates me. -.- Anyway….I calmer now.

  • G.E. Phillips

    Lately Face’s dad has been taking him for a few hours on Saturday afternoons (he’s always been sporadic about his visitation, and I don’t forsee a time when he will ever have Face overnight, but he’s been ok about things lately.) And I’ve been spending that time laying like broccoli on my couch, reading and watching TV (Yes, at the same time. Does anyone else do that? Maybe I’m weird.) Anyway, I don’t make any plans to do anything, I don’t do any shopping, I don’t cook, I don’t talk on the phone, nothing. Just indulge in completely pointless entertainment. It’s glorious. I don’t get that “after the kid goes to bed” time in the evening because Face is a night owl and I’m not, so we both wind up going to bed around 9:30 or 10pm. So I have to get it all in on Saturday afternoon. It’s taken me almost 4 years to not feel guilty about the time I “waste” doing nothing when I’m not working or being Mommy. So that’s been really nice….

    Oh, the audio on the calm.com website didn’t work for me for some reason?!?! But the images were lovely.

    • http://twitter.com/mariaguido Maria Guido

      Yes – the audio is VERY new-agey. But somehow I like it…

    • LadyClodia

      Probably once a week in the afternoons when my toddler is napping and my preschooler is at school I’ll just veg out for a little while.
      My husband and I are night owls, and the boys are usually asleep by 8:00, so we have a few hours at night. But that’s been coming back to bite us because our youngest is an early bird, so one of us has to get up early with him.

    • Oywiththepoodlesalready

      I do the same thing….2 times a week my son goes to preschool for a few hours and I have all these plans of getting stuff done then all I do is sit and watch Netflix stuff that I can’t have on when he’s around.
      Our 3 yr old is a super duper early riser (he sleeps 11+ hrs straight so we can’t complain) so my husband and I alternate every other morning with him so the other gets some sort of break.

    • Natasha B

      I ALWAYS read while I watch tv! I’m not sure why, but it’s usually the internets or a book. I thought I was the only one <3

    • tSubh Dearg

      I am usually either reading on messing about on the internet while watching tv. Clearly we are just some sort of expert multi-taskers.

  • LadyClodia

    I might watch the SAG Awards, but I’m definitely going to pass on Flowers in the Attic. I’ve never read it, and I don’t want to watch anything possibly psychology scarring because I’m at home with the boys by myself this week, and I already have enough problems being by myself as it is. My husband is in The Netherlands to surprise-visit his mom who just had (successful) breast cancer surgery today. Thankfully my mom lives right next door, so she’s able to help out with school mornings and bedtimes. I am a little extra stressed because my husband isn’t here, but a lot of my stress comes from not getting enough sleep, so I have to make a conscious effort to go to bed at a decent time. I’ll try to remember to check out Calm.com tonight after the boys are in bed.

    • Kay_Sue

      Woot woot! I am glad to hear about his mom. I’ve had two aunts that have gone through treatment, up to and including bi lateral mastectomies this year. It’s not fun to have a family member going through it.

    • LadyClodia

      Thanks!
      She had 2 rounds of chemo this fall that she had started just after we visited in September. It was hard for her because Johan was so far away through all of that. She’ll be super excited that he’s there to visit now, and I’m glad that he was able to go. :)

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      So great I love stories like these hope your ( well his)!mom continues to heal

    • http://twitter.com/mariaguido Maria Guido

      Oh – I know what you mean. When my man is gone I have to put American Horror Story on hold – which really pisses me off.

    • http://twitter.com/mariaguido Maria Guido

      Also – great that your husband gets to be by her side. That will probably improve her state of mind by leaps and bounds.

  • http://www.gamedevwidow.weebly.com/ Theresa Edwards

    I like to watch Hoarders and then be soothed by my own house. Sometimes my kid will walk down to the park by herself to score me some primo bash and that helps too.

    • Amanda Rene Slinger

      Hoarders makes me feel soooo good about my level of cleanliness sometimes when I stress too much about my non Pinterest worthy home. No dead cat under the couch cushion? Winning.

    • Kay_Sue

      I can’t watch Hoarders. It sends me into a fit of sporadically cleaning baseboards and crazy things, then showering afterwards…I envy your ability to watch it and feel soothed, honestly…

    • FormerlyKnownAsWendy

      It does that to my husband, which is why I love to watch it :) I gets me a clean house!

    • Kay_Sue

      I’m really glad not to be alone in that. All of my friends say that they put it on to avoid cleaning, and I just…can’t relax after I watch it until something, somewhere, has been scrubbed spotless…

    • FormerlyKnownAsWendy

      There used to be some show on I think DiscoveryFit or something called “Neat” with this perfect little host, Helen. I use to tease him that he was in love with her and needed a What Would Helen Do? shirt…. But he cleaned all our closets. It was like, watch an episode, clean a room….perfection.

    • G.E. Phillips

      Hoarders is like my worst nightmare, I can’t even watch it because it’s so anxiety inducing for me!

    • http://twitter.com/mariaguido Maria Guido

      Hahaha. Hoarders has the opposite effect on me!

    • http://www.gamedevwidow.weebly.com/ Theresa Edwards

      I can’t believe you can’t relax to dark, flickering images of a decade’s worth of clipped toenails! Might be something’s wrong with you.

  • EX

    I could normally use help calming down but lately I have been so calm to the point of being comatose. I’m full term pregnant and appear to be experiencing the opposite of nesting instincts. I want to do as much of nothing as possibile. And I am maybe a little too excited that I recently introduced Friday night “movie night” at my house. This was an effort to cut down on my toddler’s screen time during the week which has been succesful (yay me). But I am like beyond excited that it’s Friday and by my own rules I get to plop on the couch with my wee one and watch a movie. Even if it is the same movie we’ve already seen a million times. I don’t care. See? Not stressed. It’s kinda awesome.

    • http://www.twitter.com/ilikeswears Dusty

      The absence of my own nesting instincts means we’re super behind on getting ready for baby, which is the primary reason I’m stressed. Not stressed enough to pick up a paintbrush, but just enough to be constantly nagging my older kid and husband about how behind we are.

    • KarenMS

      That was me in the last few months of pregnancy. I never did get that final physical burst of nesting energy but I sure got a mental one; so I was regularly pissed off at boyfriend for not doing things that I wasn’t doing either.

  • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

    Ok but can the TGIF open thread be about people telling me where my wife, kid and I should go on vacation? We are too broke to go to overseas right now but we want to go somewhere WARM but we don’t want to just fart on a beach for a week. Wife is afraid of spiders so has vetoed Costa Rica. Wife is thinking LA (well, we’d stay in Santa Monica) but we’ve been there twice already and I’m less thrilled about vacations where I have to drive all the fucking time.

    Help me wise mommyish readers?

    • Amanda Rene Slinger

      The Hoover dam and Grand Canyon would be educational and warm this time of year I think. But I’m a giant nerd so education on vacation may not be everyone’s thing lol.

    • http://www.twitter.com/ilikeswears Dusty

      What’s the deal with all the Canadians going to Costa Rica lately? I know Cuba is still popular, but CR seems to have replaced it as the new Canadian vacation hotspot. Also, do you say Cost-ah Rica or Coast-ah Rica? Eleven years later, Americans still make fun of the way I pronounce things, the latest being Costa Rica.

      As for your own vacation, could you swing Hawaii? We went to Oahu a few years ago and it was the best vacay I’ve ever been on.

    • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

      I don’t know! It really does seem like everyone I know has been going there lately. I say Cost-ah….my last boss was Costa Rican so I pronounce it the way she does I guess.
      I’m sure we will be able to afford Hawaii at some point but definitely not this year. :(

    • G.E. Phillips

      Mexico? Might be a nice compromise between Costa Rica and LA.

    • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

      I know! I have been to Mexico City twice and LOVED IT so much. But my wife is a bit apprehensive about going with a small child. :(

    • LadyClodia

      New Orleans is a great place, but I don’t think it’s super warm. It’s been (dear lord) almost 20 years since I’ve been there, and I’ve always wanted to go back, especially since I was only in high school then, and it would be a lot more fun now that I’m an adult.

    • Ally

      I live in New Orleans and, aside from the cold snap that effected everyone (we got down to 20, which is really cold for us) it hasn’t been too bad at all. Not like pool-and-sunbathing weather, but still.

      Of course in the summer it’s pretty miserable, soooo…

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      Are you on AHS coven ?

    • Ally

      ;) Shhhhh…

    • Justme

      When I grow up, I want to be Jessica Lange….not in the “I don’t have a soul” way, but the “I don’t give a flying eff” way.

    • Kay_Sue

      She really needs to revisit the Costa Rica idea. I am *terrified* of spiders. Debilitatingly terrified, mind you. I spent summers down there for a while volunteering and never ran into one. It was gorgeous and is still one of my favorite places in the world. From one arachnophobe to the other, it’s totally worth the risk.

      Hell, I saw a volcano erupt! I walked in the rain forest! It was amazing. I’m a little biased. ;)

      We are planning a romantic getaway to Savannah, Georgia, but that will be sans crotchfruit because I want to do the ghost tours, after dark, and they would not be up for that. ;) Are you guys looking for historic getaways (we were, that’s one reason we picked it)? What kinds of entertainment options do you need?

    • http://www.gamedevwidow.weebly.com/ Theresa Edwards

      I lived in Savannah. Make sure you get a strawberry call a cab from wet willie’s. Make sure you DON’T go past broughton street at night unless you enjoy a good mugging. Not that I’d judge.

    • Kay_Sue

      Hmmm, I am long overdue for a good mugging….

      Thanks for the advice. It’s always nice to get that perspective and figure out where to go….and kind of more importantly where to avoid…

    • AmazingE

      I wish I could upvote this a thousand more times because the phrase”sans crotchfruit” made me laugh so hard I had to change my pants.

    • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

      I am trying but she remains unconvinced. Yesterday she actually said “I just don’t care about seeing the rain forest” and I was like WHAT THE FUCK and then we ended up arguing about dinosaurs or something.

      ANYWAY. I was looking at Georgia but we’ve got a bit of family there that we’d rather not visit (is that awful? I guess). I like historical stuff but not like, US history particularly. I’m Canadian, what can I say. Entertainment options – vintage clothing stores and record shops? :)

    • Kay_Sue

      Good luck with the convincing. And I completely understand the family bit. I have a few members that you’d think had the plague by how I avoid them. Sad, but true.

      The Shenandoah Valley can be a great place to visit. There’s some awesome bed and breakfasts, there’s places to visit (including many kid friendly ones) like Skyline and Laverne Caverns and the Natural Bridge, you’ve got DC there if you want to go to the museums (only if you take the Metro though–driving in is a bitch), and Alexandria, Reston, and the like have tons of awesome little shops and local vendors. It’s also gorgeous pretty much all year, although the winters are too cold for my liking.

    • nikki753

      What about something in Texas like Austin or San Antonio?

      If she isn’t completely crazy-style petrified of spiders, I do have to say, Costa Rica isn’t too bad for spiders and is really pretty kickass.

    • http://www.gamedevwidow.weebly.com/ Theresa Edwards

      Don’t do texas unless you want to die a sniffly, boogery, watery eyed death. Allergies en force.

    • Bethany Ramos

      Everyone here has cedar fever sooo bad!! Which I also call Beiber fever.

    • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

      I was thinking about Texas but I guess I worry about being queers with a kid down there. I know I’m basing this only on stereotypes though so perhaps my fears are completely unfounded?

    • Rachel Sea

      Depends on where you go. That you are women is safer, but you can guarantee that if you go anywhere but Austin, the occasional bible-thumper will still try to loudly, and forcefully pray the devil out of you.

    • Paul White

      Where are you (state-wise)? And how much time do you have?

    • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

      I’m in Canada (Toronto). Probably a week-ish.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      My house

    • Rachel Sea

      Disneyland is warm, and does not have spiders.

    • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

      We were thinking about it. Kid isn’t so much into Disney as of yet so I don’t know if we should just wait a few years for that. We were looking at the cheaper Disney knockoffs in the area (knotts and berries or whatever it’s called).

    • Rachel Sea

      Knott’s Berry Farm is where locals drop off their rowdy teenagers for the day, it’s kind of grungy, and not very small kid friendly. Most of the rides are rollercoasters, and drops, and the like.

      You don’t have to be very into Disney to enjoy the park because the imagineering transcends the movies. The rides that are story-based include enough of a narrative that you don’t need to know the story beforehand. It has gotten very expensive though, so if staying the whole day would be important to you, to get the most out of the entry fee, it would be better to wait until she no longer naps.

    • Justme

      I echo Nikki’s sentiment – there are some great places in San Antonio/Austin area that are great for quick getaways. You don’t have to necessarily stay in the city; choose a place a little out in the country to get the relaxation and beautiful scenery.

  • tSubh Dearg

    Been stressed out all week at work as I work in the Finance Dept of a charity and while we are in the middle of year end there is quite the shit storm brewing because another charity in a similar field as us has been topping up its executive’s salaries with money from fundraising and donations. Yesterday we discovered that its ex-CEO was paid almost three quarters of a million euro as a golden handshake.

    This comes on top of not great publicity about our own CEO and her salary (the other Irish ladies will know exactly who I work for now). We get paid by our government to run services for them, they have been cutting the money they give us for this for the last 5 years and it is getting increasingly difficult to run the services without having to get rid of staff members so we rely heavily on our fundraising etc to do the fun stuff in the services – run programmes, take clients on trips etc. I think next year’s fundraising and donations are going to be severely cut and that makes me really upset for our clients who don’t deserve to lose out.

    Anyway, now that I have that off my chest I feel a little more relaxed but the knowledge that I have to do a pile of accounting homework tomorrow is nagging me a little, but a glass of wine (or three) should fix that. And after seeing Kay_Sue say that she’s going to have a bath, I am totally hitting Lush tomorrow to get some nice smelly thing for a bath for me.

    On the plus side it looks like this year will be the year my Beau finally gets divorced and we can start planning to get married!

    TL;DR stressed about piles of stuff, fix with wine & bath.

  • LJ

    I am calmer now that I am finally off my Vicodin so I am ALL CLEAR for a 3 day weekend and beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeers.

    http://2.bp.blogspot.com/–K9Og93Cx3I/UkmgqYrmuEI/AAAAAAAAD4o/JBm0hJlZev8/s1600/Everybodydancenowmichael.gif

    • Bethany Ramos

      This made me so happy.

    • LJ

      :) I do what I can.

  • TwentiSomething Mom

    I feel the same, I always feel tense and tight and I want to go back to yoga but its to far. Tonight its me, a bottle of wine and more binge watching Breaking Bad after the kid goes to sleep.

    • http://twitter.com/mariaguido Maria Guido

      That will do!

  • staferny

    Drugs, prescription drugs. Apparently my brain cannot be shut off by normal means, so says the doctor (or it’s just easier to give me a pill and call it a day). I’m wound up tighter than a nuns c…, errrr lady bits.

  • Natasha B

    So wait, is there a new Flowers out? I have read the books…and the old one is on Netflix so hubs and I tried to watch it one night but couldn’t handle it. The grandma :/
    I’m usually kinda tense throughout the day, but not too much. Once all the kids are down at 8:30 my shoulders get considerably more relaxed :)
    I guess I should be more stressed about adding baby #4 and the fact that we will either have to add on or do a remodel so this kid has someplace to sleep by June???but I’m kinda like, eh, we’ll just stick it somewhere for awhile, it’ll be fine…

  • Bethany Ramos

    I loved calm.com after you introduced it to me!! Now I am hooked and will have a stress meltdown without it. Also, I do 10 minutes of guided meditation before bed every night.

  • Cee

    I need meditation in my life! Anxiety is such a cunt!

    • Bethany Ramos

      LOL!

  • Véronique Houde

    Today, I relaxed in the bathtub with my 14 month old. Yes, totally possible ;) She just stood there in the bath playing with her toys while I lay down, hair immersed completely. It was marvelous. The only way I can take a bath when I’m home alone with her :)

  • Rachel Sea

    Carla Bruni’s Quelqu’un M’a Dit has been on repeat on my mp3 player while I’m in my office, I don’t think it’s possible to be tense while listening to that album. It’s the auditory equivalent of a lazy spring afternoon, sitting outside with a glass of wine. My most elderly dog is a source of some stress, but also my greatest relaxation, because I know he won’t be with us much longer, and I need to be wholly present when I am with him.

    I’ve worked more this year than I have in my entire life – I averaged less than 1 day off per week – and the lack of down time has gotten to me. Stress sits in my shoulders, and back like rocks (literally, the knots in my back tend to calcify). I’m looking forward to getting a serious massage in March.

    I’m sad that I won’t be able to watch Flowers in the Attic, I read way too many V.C. Andrews books as an adolescent. But I’m going to go watch Saving Mr. Banks with some of my best friends, and then go home and stitch another giant stuffed squid, so it’s going to be a delightful evening nonetheless.

    • candyvines

      More squid?!? Eek!

    • Rachel Sea

      My friend lent me a sewing machine to make the first one because she has four. She decided that I can keep the machine if I make her a slightly smaller squid, therefore, SOLD!

    • candyvines

      That’s a good trade right there. I really want to learn to sew. There’s a super cute fabric store that offers sewing classes near me, and I registered for one but got too sick to go and they were kind of assy about it and now I hate them. Was it easy to teach yourself?

    • Rachel Sea

      Super easy. I got my friend to show me how to thread the machine, wind the bobbins, and end a row of stitching, and the rest I figured out myself. If you are attentive enough to detail, and decent at math, and you can figure out the funny shapes fabric items start as, you can draw basic patterns and sew them. I did the squid freehand, without a pattern, and he came out great.

      Plus, with the internet there are a million people instantly at hand who are thrilled to show off their knowledge to a beginner, so if you get stuck, you can always find someone to help.

    • candyvines

      Thanks for the response, this is encouraging. I love the squid. Freehand sewing sounds fun. I hated knitting – it made me so tense! But I do like to be creative and make things.

    • Rachel Sea

      Fleece is forgiving, while also being slightly tricky, because it stretches. I’m glad to have done my first machine project out of it because I learned a lot as I went, but my mistakes were invisible in the finished product. Pick something fun that doesn’t need to be perfect, and just have at.

    • candyvines

      The fleece cat bed should be finished just in time for summer :)

  • Ally

    Guys, I need to solicit some advice from you. I know we’re complete strangers, but I adore this website and everything that goes down on it, and I know that 99% of you are amazing from reading the comment sections.

    Here’s the problem — I don’t have children. I’ve never even wanted children. I have never once in my life ever wanted to have kids. It’s not that I don’t like them. I actually love my nieces, my goddaughter, and the offspring of my friends very much. And kids like me too. (I was at my father’s Xmas party, and his girlfriend’s son’s little baby latched on to me like glue. He kept nestling into my neck and kissing me and snuggling into my arms. It was so sweet, I loved it. I had never met him before though, so his mom was a little creeped out and kept saying things like, “He’s never like this with ANYONE!!!”) I have just never felt any sort of longing or hesitation with giving the kids back to their parents. Nor do I feel like I’m unselfish or mature enough to be a proper mother.

    Now, my husband has heard me proclaim all of this since day one. From the moment we started dating, he knew I didn’t want kids. But he married me anyway. I thought we were on the same page here. But I was wrong; he DEFINITELY wants children and, though he isn’t pushy about it, he has started to frown and pout lately when we get on the topic. He isn’t trying to start a family right now (we haven’t been married long and he wants to enjoy some traveling and career boosts first) but I know he does want them in the future.

    I feel totally flabbergasted about this. When I brought it up to his mom, she said, “Oh, he has talked his whole life about having a family.” WHAT?! Not with me! I feel like he only went along with it this whole time thinking that at some point I’d change my mind. But, guys, I’m in my 30s. If it hasn’t changed in 30 years, I doubt it will change anytime soon.

    So I don’t know what to do. On one hand, I am completely appalled with the idea of having a child that I never wanted. My mother never wanted kids… I was a mistake, and she NEVER let me forget that fact. I am terrified of resenting my children like she did. Also, it’s my body, and I don’t want to be forced into doing something with my body that I didn’t completely consent to. That goes against everything I stand for.

    But… I also feel like a horrible, selfish bitch now that I know my husband has always dreamed of a family. I want to help him achieve everything he wants. But this is a direct conflict with what I want. So do I cave to him, or stand firm? I don’t think he would ever force me, or leave me if I didn’t give him children. I know he loves me more than anything. But I am saddened by the idea of him feeling unfulfilled, like he is missing something that everyone has but him. I worry that he would resent me for it. I have asked him about this before, and he always just kind of laughs it off with a joke… but I know it is serious to him, and he just doesn’t want to fight about it.

    So there’s my long, rambling problem. I don’t know what to do anymore. He is not very confrontational and he doesn’t like to fight or even talk about his feelings, so I don’t think a big conversation would help. So any advice is appreciated. Sorry for the length of this post, and thanks in advance.

    • LJ

      Firstly, If you care enough to worry about damaging your non-existant child. Then I think you would be an alright parent. That being said, if you do not want children. Do not have them. You were open and honest at the beginning of your relationship, I am not saying your husband is a lying liar pants, but….he maybe should have been more open about hoping to change your mind. Maybe talk to him about why he needs to have children? What it means to him? How much it means to him? Does he want to nurture something (Dogs and cats are lovely!) You are wonderful for caring so much about him and his feelings. But you already know the feeling of being an unwanted child and they are kind of forever and stuff…

      P.S. you are not a selfish bitch.

    • Ally

      Thanks for the reply and the kindness, LJ. We actually do have a dog (a 60 lb, 7 year old rescue), and my husband is amazing with him. He is so affectionate and loving with the dog (he even calls him “my son” haha), so I know he would be a great father. He is really a very kind, wonderful man. But I think he considers having a child as passing on his “legacy”… His sister has four children under five, and sometimes I think that he feels like he is missing out on what she has (which, to my eyes, is CHAOS! lol) And I agree, he should have been more open with me about the wanting kids issue. He completely blindsided me with this, and I was extremely upset. I felt thoroughly lied to.

    • LJ

      Having children is Chaos. It is beautiful and messy and gross and disgusting, but it is great, IF you want it. If not it is horrifying. If you are amendment about not having children, then don’t. You COULD maybe change your mind, you COULD maybe learn to deal with the challenges, but that is no-way to go into parenting, especially just to make someone else happy.
      Do you watch your SIL’s kids regularly? like for extended amounts of time? I am not trying to get you to change your mind, but maybe you can take 1-2 of them for a long weekend so your husband can see the challenges himself as well. Maybe he has a jaded idea of what bringing up children would be like and thinks it’s all cupcakes and adorable baby farts.

    • Ally

      Unfortunately my SIL lives all the way across the country, so we don’t see them much. But you are totally right, he has a very illogical view of what it means to be a parent. When his nieces are in full meltdown mode, he is the first to be like OKAYBYEGUYS!!! Like, do you not think your own children will have meltdown moments? LOL. He tooooootally thinks it’s just cupcakes and baby farts (hahaha), but then again I don’t have any experience with watching children for a long time either so maybe I have an illogical view too.

      LMAO I totally want to punch him in the penis right now!!!! He is asking so much of my vagina, HELLO!

      ETA: You have totally given me a brilliant idea… next time we visit his family, I’m totally going to send him out with the nieces alone for a few hours. It’ll give me and his mom some time to drink a bottle of wine and enjoy the silence. lol

    • Vicki Lewis

      That is a really good idea! And I think if you made it clear before you got married that you didn’t want kids then it’s absolutely not selfish for you to stick to that decision now..

    • Rachel Sea

      It is seriously uncool for your husband to bring it up now, it should have been the topic of a serious conversation before the wedding. Whether he likes it or not, it HAS to be a conversation now, because you are not a mind reader and you cannot know what it is he wants if he does not tell you. Unless one of you is totally infertile, this conversation is highly relevant to your sex life, as it determines what birth control you use, and what you will do if it fails and you get pregnant. If you don’t know why he wants kids, then neither of you can compromise, or come to a solution. Maybe he’d be satisfied with a puppy, maybe he could be a sperm donor, maybe he could volunteer with a youth group, or you could foster homeless teens. There are more avenues to satisfying the yearning to nurture or parent than soup to nuts reproduction.

      If you need to bring this up in front of his mom, or a therapist, or someone else who can make him spill it then do so, because otherwise you’re at am impasse.

    • Ally

      You make some really great points, Rachel. I do need to get it all out of him, you’re right on that. Honestly, I have been on BC since I was 16 and am quite serious about it (you have to be when you don’t want kids, lol). I have thought about what I would do if I got pregnant on accident. I sometimes think that I would just have an abortion as quickly as possible before he could find out… but I know, absolutely know for certain, that I could never keep such a thing from him. And if he knew I aborted his fetus, I don’t know if he would ever forgive me. So I think if it happened on accident, maybe I would just suck it up and have the baby. But I don’t know if I could ever plan for conceiving.

    • Confused

      Can I just ask….seriously wondering. Not trying to be sarcastic or snarky AT ALL. I have been so curious as to why several people who do not have kids and/ or do not want kids are on this website. Seriously – not trying to be a jerk. Help me understand. Thanks!

    • Ally

      Aw, that’s not a jerky question at all! Honestly, what drew me here was:

      1. because it is very supportive of women’s issues

      2. because I have always been very opposed to the idea of pregnancy and being a mother, and I am trying to learn as much as possible so that I can have a more educated opinion about it
      3. for some reason, the Mommy Wars fascinate me and I love reading the different arguments involved in it, while keeping an open mind about all of it

      4. B from STFU Parents, which I read long before I started coming here, writes a column here and I love everything involving her

      Hope that makes sense! :) They may not be the greatest reasons, but there they are. I’m always striving to be more open minded and educated, so I love reading about perspectives and situations that don’t apply to me. Plus, I mean, the cilantro post had me ROLLING. ;)

    • Confused

      Thanks! I totally get it- I love stfu parents too! She is the best! :) and I love that you want to be more open minded and educated! Thanks for the info! :) and best of luck!

    • Muggle

      Honestly? STFU, Parents. That’s at least what brought us here.

      We stay for the awesome community and support for all women, regardless of maternal status.

    • Bethany Ramos

      What you said about your mom really stuck out for me. I DON’T think you should have kids if you don’t want to – but maybe your mom telling you that you were a mistake has impacted your POV? Just a thought or maybe something worth exploring for yourself. It’s hard to hear stories like that because I understand, in a way. I hope you work this out! :)

    • Ally

      Thanks, Bethany. I hope so too. And you may be right about my mother. Not only did she not want us (I have a little brother… another “mistake”) but she basically hired a live-in nanny who raised us. I didn’t see much of my mother for my childhood. I love her, but I always thought she was very self-centered, and I worry that I’m becoming more like her. I would hate to pass that on to my kids.

    • Bethany Ramos

      Awww that hurts my heart to hear that, but thanks for sharing!! My parents “wanted” me, but still had a terrible time bonding, so I also felt very unwanted. That is so painful for anyone. You don’t ever have to have kids, but I really understand the fear of passing all that crap down to them. :)

  • libraryofbird

    Tonight I made breakfast casserole for a friend that just had a baby on Tuesday, cooking can be relaxing for me. Then I ate cereal out of the box and cleaned out some dvr space.

  • Ptownsteveschick

    Calm.com is cool! Never seen it before. But really, if I can get alone time, I will hop in the car and park somewhere and watch the ocean, because I am a beach living bitch. I’m tense a lot but my chiro and massage therapist have helped me a lot in relaxing. I will miss it when my health insurance doesn’t cover massage anymore.

  • Vicki Lewis

    I just checked out calm.com and it has a free app for the iPhone so now I can listen to it as I fall asleep, it’s very nice! Thanks for sharing! Also the tag line for the app is ‘a sanctuary in your pocket’ which made me laugh.

  • Justme

    This week has been awful. I pride myself on being the positive and upbeat 8th grade teacher at my school, but damn. Grading final exams from kids who have no desire to learn really bummed me out. But wine helps.