157609199I don’t have more mom friends because they bore the crap out of me. Moms are boring. There, I said it. I’m sorry but I have NO interest in doing yoga or hiking or meeting for a coffee. I want some dangerous mom friends. If you want to smoke and rat your hair and drink some super boozy cocktails and throw the kids outside in the yard to possibly get bitten by snakes than I’m the mom for you.

My mom grew up with badass mom friends. She had friends who were feminist activists and moms with cocaine habits and mom friends who would try to kiss her during bridge games. I get invited for playdates where we discuss the pros and cons of public school. BORING. It seems like moms today are so terrified of being seen as BAD MOTHERS that they buy into this whole weird Hallmarkian version of what motherhood should be and the most risqué thing they do is NOT haul ass back into the Kroger when they get undercharged for teething biscuits.

There is a line between being a criminal and being a responsible human. I’m not saying I want to hang out with drug dealers or racists or moms who neglect their kids in any way, but fuck if I don’t need some mom friends who aren’t so scared of being seen as BAD MOMS that they have resorted to spelling out profanity.

Moms are boring. I’m a mom and I’m boring. But at least I’m not so boring that I have totally forgotten how to have fun that doesn’t involve playing Barbies or Legos or making a grocery list. And I don’t want to be boring! I am willing to try to remember me.  Where did we go? We weren’t always these women who cared deeply about what laundry detergent we use or what’s on sale at Gymboree. We used to DO STUFF! We used to have interests! We used to stay up all night talking about who we are and our hopes and our dreams for us, not just the people who came out of us.

I know motherhood is a big deal. It’s a huge deal – especially when you are a mother. I love my kids. I would do anything for my kids, but I’m at the point in my life right now where my entire identity as a human and a woman is not wrapped up in my kids. I care deeply about them. I take excellent care of them. I help with homework and prepare meals and pick out clothing and make sure teeth are brushed but I’m no longer spending every waking moment totally obsessed with my kids, like how I felt when they were toddlers. But the issue is, I know plenty of moms with older kids who are just as enraptured with them as they were when they were being adorable and shoving blocks in their mouths. I’m sorry, I love my teens, but one of the reasons I love them is that they can sort of start to develop their own interests without me having to be involved in them.

My kids won’t be little forever and as amazing as my husband is, he can only feign so much interest in MY interests, like exploring the wonderful world of tequila and various shades of glitter nail polish. It sure would be nice if I had just one mom friend who was interested in her kids, just not as interested as she is in things that don’t involve people who can’t even vote yet. And I love our Mommyish community and all of you moms seem like people I could have a lot of fun with, so I guess the only answer is we all need to move to the same neighborhood.

Get packing.

(Oh, and the cool mom friends I have, I don’t mean YOU obvs)

(Image: getty images)