10 Things You Need If You Decide To Lock Your Kids In The Attic

fitatitleWe here at Mommyish Enterprises™ in no way condone locking your kids up for years and years, unless of course you are a beautiful widow who needs to move back home to your family’s estate after your wealthy husband is killed in a car accident and your creepy parents hate children. Then it’s sort of like a moms gotta do what a moms gotta do. Plus, if you keep your kids locked up in a room it will give you plenty of time to try and win back the love of the dying patriarch of the family so he puts you in his will. And also time to go whore around town with your new rich lawyer husband. Here are some great ideas to keep your kids occupied if you decide to lock them in the attic.

1: Tissue Paper Flowers 

(Image: Pinterest/I Heart Naptime)

(Image: Pinterest/I Heart Naptime)

If you decide to lock your kids in the attic, they won’t be able to enjoy things like fresh air, grass, and flowers. To combat the boredom that will obviously set in from spending years and years locked in an attic you can give them the supplies to make paper flowers, just like the children in the Dollanganger family! I Heart Naptime has an excellent tutorial.

2: Laundry Supplies 

You need to keep the kids looking clean and neat, even though no one will ever see them anyway. If you expect them to do laundry in the bath tub, a nice gesture would be to buy them some detergent. Get the kind that also removes tar from hair.

3: Copies Of Sex Ed Books

(Image: getty images)

(Image: getty images)

Make sure this one has a very long chapter on incest and why it is not the best idea.

4: Medical Books

(Image: getty images)

(Image: getty images)

So someone knows what to do in case of arsenic doughnut poisoning.

5: A ballet barre

6: A chemistry set

(Image: getty images)

(Image: getty images)

Just in case the evil grandmother discovers one of your daughters inspecting her naked body in the mirror and decided to inject her with morphine and cover her head in tar. Your son can try to whip up something with this to remove the sticky substance. But if that fails…

7: Hair cutting supplies

8: Food other than blood

If their grandmother refuses them food for a week, they may start drinking their older brother’s blood. You should probably have something shelf stable on hand to feed them other than blood, like granola bars.

9: A pet mouse

Just in case grandma brings them any powdered doughnuts to eat and they need to check them for arsenic.

10: Your discard wedding and engagement rings from their father 

(Image: getty images)

(Image: getty images)

So when you run off and marry your new layer boyfriend your kids have something to remember you by.

(Image: http://www.jabootu.com)

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    • Bethany Ramos

      I LOVED Flowers in the Attic as a tween, but I barely remember the plot now. :( Anti-incest textbooks are always recommended.

    • Alexandra

      This scared the CRAP out of me as a kid….can’t remember if I read the book or just watched the movie…ah VC Andrews….

    • Andrea

      Dear GAWD I just saw a commercial for this movie while I was reading this article! What fresh hell is this???
      I have never heard of this movie..dare I ask exactly what on earth is the premise?

      • Zettai

        Daddy dies and Mommy Dearest can’t support herself so she takes the kids to her parents house because they’re rich, grandpa is dying, and she wants to get back in this will. Then you find out that the grandparents hate her because she married her uncle and the kids are his. So she locks them in the attic until she “charms” grandpa enough to get back in his will and only grandma knows. It’s a downward spiral from there… they end up spending about 3 years in the attic.

      • Zettai

        Oops, I meant half-uncle. Even though you find out in the prequel he’s actually her…. DUM DUM DUM!

      • Paul White

        …dafuq?

      • Zettai

        It’s pretty crazy. Sexual dysfunction and twisted family legacies and torture are VC Andrew’s trademarks. Definitely a horror story.

      • Andrea

        OMG this sounds horrifying. I just cant even…

      • Sara

        It is also a wonderfully horrible series of books by VC Andrews!

    • G.E. Phillips

      I feel like I read the whole series as a teen, but now I’m looking it up on Wikipedia, and I can’t recall if I read anything after FITA. (BRB, adding them all to my Kindle wishlist.)
      However, I do remember reading “My Sweet Audrina.” That’s a good one.
      How much do I want like, a week or two off from my entire life just so I can re-read all of the books I loved growing up? *sigh*

      • Zettai

        I think My Sweet Audrina was one of the scariest, because it shows how easy it is to truly screw up a kid’s mind.

    • ChelseaBFH

      I had forgotten about the blood! Just the mental image I needed now that I’m breast feeding.

    • Zettai

      You ain’t right!
      And yes I meant ain’t! :) Can’t wait for this movie!

    • libraryofbird

      Flowers in the attic was the first scandalous book that I read. It was all sorts of what the fuckery, and planted the seed of hatred for incest plot lines. With all that being said, my gawd I want to see this.

      • Zettai

        I had a friend who didn’t like to read, but I was a super bookworm. When we were in our teens I gave her this book and the what the fuckery, as you described :), made her zoom through it. Then she jumped on all the others in the series.

        So she credits me with inspiring her to read, I credit her with teaching me how to pronounce “Corrine”.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      Tomorrow night you guys at 8!

      • TngldBlue

        I saw a commercial for it this morning and thought “I must dvr this as I know Eve will be holding discussions on it next week”.

      • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

        You are the best student in class always

      • tSubh Dearg

        This makes me sad. It will not be on tomorrow night at 8 in Ireland. :(

      • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

        I wish we could get you a copy :(

      • tSubh Dearg

        Just discovered that the 1987 version is on Netflix. Might have to watch that tomorrow when I should be doing homework for my accounting course.

      • SusannahJoy

        Its DVRed!

    • Megan Zander

      Ok, so I’ve never even heard of flowers in the attic before yesterday, but based on this article I need to go out and get a copy RITE NOAW!

      • Pappy

        Do it. Then get a copy of “The Painted Bird” by Jerzy Kosinski. I read it at Eve Vawter’s suggestion and my Mind. Is. Broken. Thanks Eve!

      • Pappy

        I mean, sincerely, thank you for suggesting it. It’s profoundly disturbing, but what an experience!

      • Megan Zander

        Ek! Ok, I’m in, have both books on hold at the library

      • Pappy

        Three cheers for libraries!

      • SusannahJoy

        Oooo… I haven’t heard of that one! I’ll put it in my list!

    • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

      Man, I forgot how messed up those books are. I remember my friends and I passing them around with post-its marking the dirty parts when we were like, 11.

    • AmazingE

      Eve is totally gonna kick me out of the treehouse for this, but I’ve never read these books. I saw the old movie a few times, and was so squicked out by it, I haven’t been able to bring myself to read them.

      • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

        but are you watching true detectives on hbo?

      • AmazingE

        Sadly the answer is no. My computer crapped out two days before Christmas and I won’t have the extra cash to fix it until taxes come back. I’m missing everything because the only TV I have access to is what I can stream from Amazon on my PS3, and even then only what you get for free with prime. I can’t even check my e-mail. I never realized how much I needed my computer until it broke.

    • http://wtfihaveakid.blogspot.ca/ jendra_berri

      Would it be weird to read this for the first time when you’re 31? Because that’s where I’m at right now.

      • SusannahJoy

        Better late than never!

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