We here at Mommyish Enterprises™ in no way condone locking your kids up for years and years, unless of course you are a beautiful widow who needs to move back home to your family’s estate after your wealthy husband is killed in a car accident and your creepy parents hate children. Then it’s sort of like a moms gotta do what a moms gotta do. Plus, if you keep your kids locked up in a room it will give you plenty of time to try and win back the love of the dying patriarch of the family so he puts you in his will. And also time to go whore around town with your new rich lawyer husband. Here are some great ideas to keep your kids occupied if you decide to lock them in the attic.
1: Tissue Paper Flowers
If you decide to lock your kids in the attic, they won’t be able to enjoy things like fresh air, grass, and flowers. To combat the boredom that will obviously set in from spending years and years locked in an attic you can give them the supplies to make paper flowers, just like the children in the Dollanganger family! I Heart Naptime has an excellent tutorial.
2: Laundry Supplies
You need to keep the kids looking clean and neat, even though no one will ever see them anyway. If you expect them to do laundry in the bath tub, a nice gesture would be to buy them some detergent. Get the kind that also removes tar from hair.
3: Copies Of Sex Ed Books
Make sure this one has a very long chapter on incest and why it is not the best idea.
4: Medical Books
So someone knows what to do in case of arsenic doughnut poisoning.
5: A ballet barre
6: A chemistry set
Just in case the evil grandmother discovers one of your daughters inspecting her naked body in the mirror and decided to inject her with morphine and cover her head in tar. Your son can try to whip up something with this to remove the sticky substance. But if that fails…
7: Hair cutting supplies
8: Food other than blood
If their grandmother refuses them food for a week, they may start drinking their older brother’s blood. You should probably have something shelf stable on hand to feed them other than blood, like granola bars.
9: A pet mouse
Just in case grandma brings them any powdered doughnuts to eat and they need to check them for arsenic.
10: Your discard wedding and engagement rings from their father
So when you run off and marry your new layer boyfriend your kids have something to remember you by.