register

Dear Babies”R”Us Team Member:

Thank you for taking part in our registration journey. As you well know, this is a big day for my husband and me, and of course, my baby to be. To make the experience as straightforward and uncomplicated as possible, these are our requests. Since babies “R” your business, we know you’ll be glad to oblige.

Baby Registry Mission

To us, an online click-and-add-to-cart registry didn’t sit well. Scanning in-store lets us be part of the process. The type and quality of products we choose could determine the course of our son’s life.

We will not tolerate BPA. We assume that all products on the shelves are not currently under recall and that product inventory is regularly updated in this respect. Strangulation hazards are a no-go, as are death trap drop-side cribs that are supposed to be off the market—and out of your store. Please don’t lead us astray.

Setting

We know that it isn’t feasible for you to close down the store and let us register after hours. We aren’t Kim and Kanye, so that just makes sense. But we do trust that your support staff will escort other customers away from our area of interest so that we can stick to the task at hand—registering.

We will also need ample cellular support within the cavernous store that is Babies”R”Us so that we can check and cross-check our registry choices with friends on Facebook and celebrity moms on Twitter. We use AT&T, so please confirm towers in the store proximity. If not, the use of an in-store laptop or tablet can substitute.

Suggestions from staff members are welcome but may not be taken into consideration.

Budget

We are not well-off by any means, but that doesn’t mean our son can’t have nice things. We have taken a Facebook poll in a private group for friends and family and have concluded that all gifts on the registry must be greater than $100 and less than $200 (median poll bracket).

“Disposable” gift items, i.e. diapers and wipes, will not be included on the registry. Family and friends will bring these add-ons to the baby shower separately, if desired. Technically, diapers are not a gift.

Comfort

Please have bottled water on hand as I will be seven months pregnant and am prone to low blood sugar and dizziness. My husband has the number of my OB/GYN on speed dial in the event of fainting. (See “Setting” for instructions on cellular support.) If OB/GYN is unavailable, DO NOT call an ambulance. Contact the following individuals for emergency assistance in this order: doula, birthing coach, chiropractor, acupuncturist, Reiki practitioner.

*Note: A Reiki practitioner may attend the registry event for on-site support; if so, do not call in case of emergency.

Snacks need not be provided, unless the registry runs long. (We were guaranteed a two-hour window.) It should go without being said that I am currently on a gluten-free, sugar-free diet under the recommendation of my doctor.

Day Of The Registry

We will arrive at the designated cashier station in Babies”R”Us at precisely 10:00 AM. We will come alone, wearing comfortable shoes. As mentioned above, we will be in contact with various family members and will consult Amazon reviews exclusively throughout the registry process.

We would prefer that all “staple products” and specialty registry items are placed at the front of the store to expedite the process.

*Note1: Staple products may include but are not limited to a temperature regulated baby wipe warmer, 100% organic white cotton crib bedding, and up to three crib options in varying sizes. Specialty registry items may include but are not limited to a fully robotic Diaper Genie; a stain-resistant, reversible Boppy; and a bottle warmer with car plug-in components, for example.

Registering will be completed in a front to back, left to right formation, aisle by aisle. We would prefer the support of two salespeople (one male and one female for varying counter-views) at all times. Other sales staff may accompany, if desired. If extra staff members choose to attend the registry event, please keep chatting and “tips” to a minimum out of respect.

*Note2: We assume that all crib hazard products will be removed from our store route. We know that we don’t need to reiterate the danger that is SIDS. Please consult APA sleep guidelines and arrange products accordingly.

*Note3: At the end of each aisle, we will check our progress in the following sequence: Facebook, Twitter, mother, MIL, and Amazon reviews, respectively.

Outcome

Once all items are purchased from our registry, at least six weeks prior to our scheduled baby shower, we will consider this event a success. We will then write a potentially glowing Google review of your Babies”R”Us location to confirm our satisfaction. We thank you for your cooperation in advance.

(photo: Getty Images)