• Tue, Jan 14 - 2:00 pm ET

Screw #DoingItAll, We Want To Hear About How Women Are #NotDoingItAll

183072479Last month, Maria Shriver started asking women what they would need to feel like they were supported. She pointed out, not only are women struggling with “having it all” they are also “doing it all.” A hashtag, #doingitall, evolved from her idea.

I know the “having it all” conversation is outdated because so many of you are already doing it all. I want to start the New Year with a new conversation — one that reflects the reality of the modern family, where women are at the center.

Millions and millions of women today find themselves being told to break the glass ceiling and yet they feel that there is no foundation for them to stand on. It’s hard to add another crack to the ceiling when you are standing on a cracked floor. We want to hear from you as to what would help you shore up your foundation. What do you want so that you can even think about the ceiling? What do you need to feel strong, stable and secure?

What do I need to feel “strong, stable and secure?” My go-to response always seems to be “more money.” But is that even true? Would more money magically add more minutes to my day, relieve me of guilt, and stop me from judging myself?

There are a lot of things that we as women can do every day to feel a little less like we’re #doingitall. I think it all starts with taking some time for yourself and not feeling guilty about it. Also, realizing that some of the stereotypes we’re trapped in only have power because we let them. For example, you can pry my glass of wine out of my cold, dead hands – and I don’t have to explain that to anyone. Also, my husband can clean the damn bathroom and make dinner without being touted as the most awesome man alive.

Every morning I make a point of getting my coffee first – before I do anything for my kids, my husband or anyone else. This may seem trivial, but this little action sends a message to myself – you’re important. And if I want to take a day off to myself, not fawn over my kids every second of every day and be unapologetically human sometimes – I think that is okay, too.

This “mom as superwoman” ideal isn’t doing anyone any good – least of all mothers. I don’t want to be #doingitall. I don’t have to. I’m happier #NotDoingItAll.

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You can reach this post's author, Maria Guido, on twitter.
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  • pixie

    I recently started following Eve on twitter, and I must say, when I was checking twitter as I walked home from the mall earlier, her #notdoingitall tweets made me laugh and made the walk way more enjoyable.

    Excuse me while I go creep others on twitter now.

  • Diya Naidu

    I’m with y’all, my #1 goal in life is to be a lump on the couch. Too tired to do it all!

  • EmmaFromÉire

    My go to is money as well. It can’t buy you happiness but it can secure your peace of mind.

  • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

    This is great. I like to keep in mind that adage about how no one on their death bed ever says “I wish I’d spent more time at the office” or “I wish I’d spent more time doing housework”. I mean, have a clean home, don’t be (too) gross, sure, but really, there are way better things to do than dusting your baseboards.

    What’s that poem that makes usually-tough-as-nails me cry? Something about letting the ironing go because you’re rocking your baby to sleep and babies don’t keep?

  • G.E. Phillips

    Not currently on Twitter (which maybe is another example of #notdoingitall?) but I get up every morning at 6, ostensibly to exercise, but 95% of the time, I just drink my coffee and watch a rerun of Roseanne. I’m a single mom, I work full time, my house is clean, so you know what, my body just ain’t gonna look like yours right now, Jillian Michaels. #notdoingitall.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      Roseanne is on Twitter. we are twitter pals

    • G.E. Phillips

      Not surprising, as you’re both the shiz!

    • SA

      Ugh. I had my Jillian workout this am and by the feeling of my inner thighs I am #notdoingitall tonight!

    • G.E. Phillips

      #notdoingsquat
      See what I did there?

    • Harriet Meadow

      I was just telling my husband that I’ve finally come to terms with my body. Because you know what? I’m (relatively) smart, I have good friends, I have a career I love (which involves working nearly constantly since I’m writing my dissertation), dogs that I take care of, a husband with whom I love to spend time, and I’m (I think) a good mom. I don’t need to have a perfect body. I don’t need to do it all!

  • ted3553

    tried to think of something witty to add because lord knows, I am a prime example of # notdoingitall but my brain is fried so #notdoingitall

  • Jen

    Does napping while pumping milk at work count as DoingItAll or NotDoingItAll? I am torn.

    • SA

      Definitely doing it all. Napping, working, and pumping all at once, mad multi-tasking. :)

    • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

      BOTH, because you’re just that awesome.

    • Jen

      I’m putting this on my performance eval at the end of the year

  • Martyn

    You know what else sucks about doing it all? Few of us do. But by feeling like we do, we discount all the people helping us. My husband is pretty awesome. Our pipe froze and burst while I was on my first business trip since having our daughter (I was gone for two days and she is 6 months old… it was still REALLY hard). He did it all- turned off the water, cared for a baby with no running water, got a plumber in to fix the pipe, and everything was back to normal by the time I got back.
    I totally feel like I do it all, because I am crazy busy. I work, I have a baby, we have a new house, I try to cook dinner every night for us to enjoy together and we are running a half marathon in the Spring. But I don’t do it all. My husband is amazing. Much better at doing the dishes than me. Plus our friends and family are awesome. So when I act like I’m doing it all, I think that probably makes my husband feel like I do appreciate everything he is doing.

    • Bethany Ramos

      That makes me feel wayyyyy better because I am #notdoingitall and going on a girls’ trip in a few weekends. My husband Is definitely on the ball and splits all of the childcare stuff with me 50/50, but I feel like… the world may implode while I’m gone? Even if a pipe bursts, they will make it through the weekend, I’ll just keep telling myself that. :-)

  • http://www.twitter.com/ilikeswears Dusty

    I quit my second career right as it was taking off so I could have a midlife crisis, explore myself and my options while my husband supports me. Fuck the glass ceiling. I didn’t post this on twitter because I’ve already taken a lot of heat over the decision, especially from my largely female, “working mom”, family. I’ve been taking care of myself since I was 18 with a consistent focus on fighting to get by, finding success, gaining outside approval. My husband offered me the opportunity to take time to really focus on myself and what I want out of life, I accepted and I don’t regret it one bit. (I am super fortunate to have this opportunity and I know it!) Of course, then he knocked me up and now I’m about to turn 41, unemployed and pregnant. So, aside from sleepless nights and diapers, I still have no idea where I’m going next. I’ve always lived life on my own terms, so for me, this is just another chapter in the book.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      when are you gonna pitch me something you lazy unemployed slag? ;)

    • http://www.twitter.com/ilikeswears Dusty

      It’s on my to do list! I think I may have just stumbled upon the perfect idea.

    • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

      You HAVE to pitch a piece about this to Eve, because I would read the hell out of it.

  • Kay_Sue

    I do most of the housework (because I stay home), but my husband and I split parenting 50/50–there is no getting out of that. I’m lucky to feel supported most of the time, and to feel safe voicing when I don’t (as does he). When I was working, he helped around the house loads more.

    Mine would be along the lines of….

    Letting my toddler watch the Brave Little Toaster on repeat so I can get a bath and shave my legs. #NotDoingItAll // Deciding not to shave my legs because the bath is too warm and I don’t feel like ruining it by playing contortionist. #NotDoingItAll. // Haven’t brushed my hair in two days because it’s short enough to fingercomb and I don’t effing feel like it. #NotDoingItAll

    :-P

  • keelhaulrose

    I spent a couple hours yesterday trying to break up ice on the driveway so my kids don’t kill themselves walking out to the car. Today I woke up so sore, especially in my arms, back, and knees, that it took me three tries to actually stand up. Putting on a bra didn’t even happen, because my arms aren’t bending that way today. And I actually used a piece of cheese to get my two year old to her high chair so I could get her in and not have to carry her from the other room (I was fully prepared to use an Oreo, but I lucked out).
    Today I’m not just #notdoingitall, I’m #barelydoinganything

    • Blooming_Babies

      #ownedthatshizyesterday gotta enjoy those victories too

  • CW

    Love these! I don’t tweet, but my big one is limiting my kids’ extracurricular activities. I get a lot of heat over that from relatives who are upset my kids aren’t currently doing any team sports or music lessons. Sorry, but they’ve tried them in the past and showed no unusual amount of athletic or musical talent that would justify the expense and logistical headache.

  • Jessica

    I love how if you follow this hashtag on twitter, it’s one half funny moms and one half college kids who are frustrated with papers!

    • Kay_Sue

      I was just marveling at that myself! :)

    • Bethany Ramos

      Your tweet was hilarious!

    • Jessica

      Thank you!! :-)

  • AlexMMR

    Screw #doingitall, I’m too busy #doingwhatIwant

  • JAN

    My youngest turned three weeks old today, I have a one year old and a four year old. My husband has to leave town frequently and just today’s decided that something has to give, I can’t keep the house clean, keep myself and the kids bathed and cleanly dressed, run all the random errands, and take care of an aiming parent. It’s winter so I decided if everyone doesn’t get bathed daily, that’s ok, that if the house is a mess, that’s ok, if we eat leftovers or breakfast cereal for dinner on occasion, that’s ok. Right now I need to focus on a newborn who was just diagnosed with reflux (never ending nights of a child who needs to be upright for 30 min every time he eats…did I mention he eats every.single.hour? Plus giving attention to my other children who are feeling out of sorts with the new arrival. So why do I still feel guilty?

    • Jessica

      I have been where you are, and it does get better! Your focus is rightfully on your baby and on adjusting to three. Your kids won’t remember if they had cereal for dinner (or if they are like mine, they will prefer it!) And you have to let some of the house stuff go so that you can focus on the living things. If you feel like you must have goals, make them small- today we will all wear pants. Today we will all sit around the table to play play dough for 30 mins. Today I will wash stuff that has spit up on it, but screw everything else. Anyway, all of this is just to say I can relate- hang in there!

  • AP

    I hate the “doing it all” cliche. I don’t have kids and I can’t “do it all.” My husband can’t “do it all” either. My friends who all have cool things going on in their lives? They’re not “doing it all” either. Some picked homeownership, some picked career, some picked family and relationships, and some picked travel. It’s just not possible to do it all, and no one should aspire to!

    • SarahJesness

      Yeah, especially annoying in that it’s much more geared toward women than men. You never see articles about whether men can “have it all”. Still in a transitional period to gender equality, I suppose. We’ve hit a point where women can be independent, have their own goals and nice careers and make their own money… But they still have to do all of the “women” stuff they were expected to do prior to that. You can have a career, but you still need to be a super-involved parent, do the majority of the housework and the childcare, and preferably still be pretty!

  • annonomama

    I watch all the Teen Mom versions AND read the gossip blogs because I’m sure #notdoingitall.

  • Blooming_Babies

    Hell most days I’m barely doing half of it all #marriedtoagoodman

  • meteor_echo

    I don’t even want to “do it all” – mostly because I don’t give a fuck about having kids or having a career. I just want to have a stable job, and to live with my man-friend in a small house full of pets – and to have enough free time to pay attention to our relationship and to have hobbies.
    Some of the people I tell it to are pissed that I’m not interested in having kids (because obviously a mint condition uterus is a crime against humanity), and some are pissed that I don’t want a career, because what else should I want if I’m not even popping out kids?

  • Véronique Houde

    I let my child eat a vegetable off the floor yesterday, because, duh, at least it was a veggie. #notdoingitall

    • SA

      I’ve been turning a blind eye to the cat food eating. It is the only activity my cat and toddler can do together that doesn’t result in scratching, howling, or crying.

  • Jezebel76

    Was teaching close to fulltime by working for four colleges, being a mom, being a wife, being super close to a breakdown…then I had one. Down to two colleges…then my mom, my best friend, the woman with whom I and my son spent part of every day, died suddenly. A thin, energetic, seemingly healthy 63-year-old who hadn’t been to a doctor in over a decade. Heart attack AND stroke. My beautiful and graceful 89-year-old Grammie (my mom’s devastated mother) developed lung cancer after a stroke; I and my mentally ill uncle took care of her in her final days. She died in November, one year and 11 days after my mom passed. My aunt dropped dead, literally, 10 days before my Grammie did. I spent my days cooking, cleaning, massaging my sweet Grammie’s legs and feet, changing her diapers, lifting her in and out of the shower, grading papers, commuting to teach, trying to mother my broken-hearted six-year-old effectively (our nightly bedtime conversations revolve around whether I’m going to die as well and my feeble assurances that I won’t), mothering four kittens produced by the stray I took in, unaware she was with child/kittens, taking meds to stay awake so I could get by on three or four hours of sleep…..and now? I am absolutely committed to #notdoingitall. I’m still pretty busy, but my God–I’m going to read, write, take walks, stare placidly at nothing and daydream, color in these glorious complex coloring books with my expensive set of new colored pencils, catch up on The Walking Dead and Downton Abbey, go to a movie for the first time in close to two years. Going to spend time with my son doing all those things we set aside. I’m committed to wasting some time, getting sleep, healing my body, crying. Allowing myself to, finally, do the grieving I put to the side to get everyone else through. Finally, FINALLY, I’m getting my body ready to try to conceive a much-longed for second child. What I’m decidedly NOT doing? It all. Anymore. I am seriously committed to #doingas littleaspossible. For awhile.

  • Oywiththepoodlesalready

    I gave up on doing it all years ago. I think I’ve fallen into the category of just not giving a shit!