Has anyone been on Facebook recently? According to the popular ad-serving, personal-data-farming website, itâs been pretty cold outside recently! I guess theyâre calling it a Polar Vortex. It just seems like âJanuaryâ to me. Sure, itâs been a tough stretch, but still, itâs just winter.
Itâs icy, itâs wet, itâs snowy in a lot of places, but above all, itâs cold. Like, painfully cold. Which means going outside is not desirable. Unfortunately, when you have kids, staying inside isnât necessarily desirable either. BECAUSE THATâS WHERE THE KIDS ARE. But just because your kids annoy you doesnât mean you can open the door and let them freeze to death â at least, so says my wife. And the authorities. So, peace and quiet be damned, you have to keep them inside. Because if itâs painfully cold for a hardy adult like Yours Truly, itâs dangerously cold for my three-year-oldâs delicate, porcelain skin. Which means Iâve been forced to spend most of the Polar Vortex sequestered inside with my son for long stretches of time.
Iâm not about to explain hypothermia and frostbite and mortality to my kid, so instead I just have to distract him. And that ainât easy. Not shockingly, Iâve taken to calling it the Polar BORE-texâ˘! (Copyright Dad and Buried).
Hereâs a list of activities Iâve been employing to entertain my son and survive the latest cold snap.
MAN VS. CHILD
TV â Holy shit the amount of TV my kid has watched this winter is INSANE. Donât judge me; when you canât go outside youâve gotta kill some time! Besides, itâs therapeutic to sit back and enjoy a margarita while watching the sun-soaked adventures of âJake and the Neverland Piratesâ, and my son is learning TONS about doubloons!
Trains â I donât understand the obsession with trains. I donât know any adult men who are into trains, at least not the kind of trains that one can speak about in mixed company. Or any company. But every single little boy I know worships the fucking things. My son got like 4 new trains sets for Christmas! But itâs fine. They keep him occupied. I think heâd skip his meals to keep pushing those stupid toy locomotives around and thatâs fine with me. As long as he stops with the ear-splitting âchoo-choo!!!â
Drinking Our Own Pee â Come on, Iâm not crazy. This only happens by accident.( Donât judge. HEâS STILL FIGURING OUT THE POTTY THING!)
Building Forts â Every kid loves forts. But Iâm taking it to another level. The forts I build with my son arenât that big, but they are dimly lit and they have no exits. I throw the kid in there and Iâm able to hop in the shower and surf the net for a good two hours before he crawls his way out. It keeps him occupied, and all that crawling around looking for a way out burns off tons of energy. One time he even fell asleep in there. Itâs genius. You can barely even hear his anguished cries from behind all the couch cushions!
More Trains â IT NEVER ENDS.