A few months ago the unthinkable happened – all three of my kids had reasons to be out of the house. My two older girls had sleepovers and a friend of mercifully babysitting my son so I could get some “me” time. And, though it was a moment every parent dreams of from the first time they go 36 hours without sleep, I was at a loss for what to do. Don’t let this be you! When the kids are away, YOU should play.

Here are my top 10 things to do when your kids are at a sleepover…or really anywhere that isn’t up your butt.

10. Pee…in private for once. 

With the door locked and everything! The fact that I would never go to the bathroom alone again was not something they included in the “So You’re Gonna Be A Mom” brochure, and I miss it desperately. So when the kids are gone, pee away, folks. Pee to your heart’s content.

9. Have some snacks

This might be the only time you can chow down on some Chips Ahoy or Pringles without a bunch of grubby little hands begging for some. Enjoy it while it lasts.

8. Ignore your housework

I mean, if you’re like me, you do that even when the kids are there, but dammit now you have quiet time to enjoy. Screw the dishes, and the vacuum will still be there in the morning.

7. Take a nap

This one is a no-brainer. It should be the first thing you do, or you’re a traitor to your kind (tired moms).

6. Get drunk

If that’s your kind of thing, of course. What better time is there to tie one on then when there aren’t a bevy of little eyes watching you pour yet another glass of wine. No one here to judge you, except your cat.

5. Surf the Internet

kids are away

Cat is optional ( lou.stanley)

Again, if you’re me then you do this anyway, but you can’t exactly watch YouPorn with the kids in the room, now can you. Not that I DO that, of course (*WINK*).

4. Have sex

kids are away

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Is your significant other around? Grab that sommabitch and take a ride to Bonetown, population, two (or more, if you’re into that sort of thing, I’m not here to judge).

3. Make some phone calls

kids are away

Virtua Kazama

Literally ANY phone call will seem like heaven when you don’t have a bunch of tiny little ears listening to every word you say, or interrupting you to tell you there is projectile vomit on the ceiling (again).

2. Curse

kids are away

Seven31Studios

Curse like you’ve never cursed before. Your neighbors will think you’ve gone nuts, but fuck em’ (see, CURSING IS COOL).

1. Watch terrible television

kids are away

Spring O’Brien

The Real Housewives series is made for times like these. In a pinch any version of Keeping Up With The Kardashians will do. You’re looking for brain rot material here.