• Thu, Jan 9 - 11:00 am ET

Top 5 Reasons I’m Glad I Didn’t Breed With A Professional Wrestler

francesfeatureimageAh, the Mommyish community. I’ve told you about my sordid Juggalo past, my love for all things Star Wars and probably a ton of other things most people would keep to themselves. Why? Because I’m a giver.

Seriously though, I’ve had a strange, strange ride into parenthood, with a lot of weird stops. And one of those stops was dating (however briefly) a wannabe professional wrestler. Actually, I dated a couple of them, because I’m a glutton for…punishment? Hilarious ice-breakers for later in life? Anywho, having a child with a Juggalo was one thing. For one thing, I got a great kid out of it. For another, he’s a pretty good dad and was also really cool about me writing about him on the internet and calling him a Juggalo (the pictures don’t lie, though).

The whole professional wrestling thing is a whole different story. I will be the first to admit, watching the WWF (or E, or whatever they legally have to call themselves now) was NOT my cuppa tea. Not then, and not now. Between the silly costumes, the outrageously cheesy story lines and the oh-so-obviously staged “wrestling” I thought (and still think) that the whole thing is ridiculous*.

So I’ve put together a list of the reasons why I’m glad I didn’t  breed with a professional wrestler (wannabe). Honestly though, this is just the tip of the iceberg. The reasons are endless and will go on till the end of time.

*Obviously I’m not talking about real wrestling. You know, the type of wrestling that gets you to the Olympics. That’s some serious business and not to be trifled with. Or so I’ve heard.  

5. Misogyny…DUH

Let’s get the most obvious thing out of the way. Most “professional” wrestling today is filled with misogynistic bullshit. Women in skimpy costumes being objectified left and right. If they do get a legitimate storyline, they’re usually being passed around as a wife, daughter, sister, etc. And the whole “hero/heel” aspect that you see in the male side of this industry is a great partner for the always present Madonna/whore complex. And I’m not the only person who thinks so.

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  • NicknamesAreDull

    I always imagined that some of those guys can’t turn off their wrestling personality. So during sexytime, they’d announce “I’m going to wreck your vagina and make it wish it was never born.” Then, I’d dry up like the Sahara desert and nope the fuck out of there.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      ARE YOU READY TO RUMBLE?

    • NicknamesAreDull

      NOT ESPECIALLY, BUT MAYBE LATER.

    • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

      NOPE *EDITED to say that this scary ass spider is supposed to nope the fuck out, instead of just sitting there looking ominous and frightening. *

    • NicknamesAreDull

      That is an accurate representation of how I would make my exit. It would creep the VaginaWrecker out enough to never call me again and it seems like it would be quicker.

    • http://twitter.com/mariaguido Maria Guido

      AHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh, that was amazing.

  • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

    coming in 2015: Men I Am Glad I Didn’t Breed with By Frances Locke

    • NicknamesAreDull

      I would buy that book and display it on my coffee table.

    • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

      This could be a series. I’ve also dated a hardcore scene guy and a wannabe rapper. I’m from Queens, we’re a salty bunch.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      checking my inbox furiously

    • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

      Mine would be 37 different versions of Dirty Jesuses. Hippies LOVE me.

      I would read the shit out of Frances’ book.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      I would also like to read this book

    • Kay_Sue

      37 Different Versions of Dirty Jesuses should be a book. It just should.

    • lizinthelibrary

      My exes are all politicans, some of the newsanchor hair and traditional handshaking campaigns style. One however became an ecoterrorist (arrested, made national news, the whole nine yards).

    • http://twitter.com/mariaguido Maria Guido

      Woah!

    • Kay_Sue

      That is impressive.

    • LiteBrite

      I went right to Amazon to see if I could pre-order that.

    • http://twitter.com/mariaguido Maria Guido

      I would buy that in a hot second.

    • Bunny Lucia

      Can I add in a story or two?

      Oh Lawdy the ex boyfriends that I have…

  • Bethany Ramos

    Okay, but I LOVE the Miz from Real World. And Frances, you are the best.

    • Pumplestilskin

      My son is obsessed with “professional wrestling”. When I saw The Miz on there I admit to getting a little excited. I was so happy for him. I remember the 18 year old scrawny kid from The Real World who insisted he would be a wrestler someday and everyone laughed at him. He sure showed them, lol

    • Bethany Ramos

      He was in a Hallmark holiday movie too!!! The Miz wins.

    • http://twitter.com/mariaguido Maria Guido

      OH my god -he’s a wrestler???

  • Julia Sonenshein

    Goddammit Frances I love you.

  • Kay_Sue

    I mated with an actual(?) (I don’t know if that is the right way to phrase that?) wrestler who despises professional wrestling. Which is good, because I can’t stand it either. My best friend is an avid wrestling fan (who now hates the Rock, because she’s been madly and unhealthily in love with John Cena for…forever, it seems), and I just…I can’t. I’ve tried. I really have. But no.

    And the thought of producing a child with one. I imagine my whole life being narrated in THAT VOICE–you know the one. “That child is ready to RUUUUUUUUMMMMMBBBBBLE!” “I’m going to wipe the floor with this baby shit like no one’s ever cleaned shit before!” “And now it’s off the ropes and down the hatch with this little ass-kicker of carrots”. (while spoon feeding our hypothetical child because he doesn’t give a crap that it will, obviously cause him to be morbidly obese!) ”

    And again I say: No. Just no.

  • CrazyLogic

    I watch wrestling at times. Not for the mind numblingly stupid story lines though. It’s actually impressive how they make most of the matches look passingly real most of the time, and the stunt work is impressive.

    Also, buff guys. Lots of buff guys in tights.

    • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

      The guys in tights would have been the only plus to breeding with one of those guys. Mmmm, tights….

  • lizinthelibrary

    In college I dated a college wrestler. There were benefits, many fun benefits. Real olympic style wrestling is awesome and has great potential outside of the arena. I would have bred with him, but life had other plans.
    Also he’s a lawyer/politican now so I probably dodged a bullet there anyway. (Two of my exes have run for political office, my husband wants to, there’s clearly something good wife vibe-ish about me.)

  • Canallie

    HA – I have been with MY pro-wrestler for 7 years, and now we own a comic book store together. This article definitely does not apply to me. You forgot about the confidence, great voice, hot muscles, flexibility and athleticism that comes with the job ;)