82098621CES 2014 is underway; a yearly technology and consumer trade show that many look to for a heads up on technology trends. There is always some product for parents that is the talk-of-the-show; last year it was the iPotty. This year, it’s the Mimo onesie – a onesie that monitors your baby’s vital signs and sends updates to your mobile device. You know – so you can relax as a new parent. Ha. There is nothing relaxing about this idea. Whoever created this is not a parent.

With our temperature sensor, you can know that you’ve got your baby dressed properly, and that the A/C is working.

 

With our medically backed sleep algorithms, know when your baby falls asleep, and how well they’re sleeping.

 

The body suit records the motion of your baby so that you can tell how active they are.

 

Does this sound relaxing to anyone? Because having all of this information texted to me would do nothing but freak me the eff out:

She’s sleeping, but not well. The algorithm says so. 

Her body temperature is not perfectly regulated! I told you not to buy flannel! 

Don’t talk to me right now I’m waiting for an update that she’s moved.

Here’s the thing; new parents worry. That’s what we do. That is our job. I can’t say with certainty – because I don’t own one of these – but I’m pretty sure I would still be constantly checking to make sure my baby was breathing, even if she was wearing one of these things. That’s what parents do; we obsess about our kids breathing. I’m pretty sure I’ll still be checking for the rise and fall of my kid’s chest when she is a teenager.

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Mimobaby.com

So here’s how it works: the two green stripes act as respiratory sensors. The cute little turtle tracks the baby’s temperature and movements. I would just use all of this technology to be freaked out by something else. I would probably assure myself that these “sensors” were giving my child tumors or that she would be the only baby with a mouth big enough to get that giant turtle in it. There is no end to my paranoia. I repeat, there is no end to my paranoia.

I recognize there are some parents with children who have health issues who would consider this a godsend – and I’m not belittling the help it could give. But for the rest of us, spending $200 on a few onesies that will probably just make us more obsessive than we already are is maybe not the best idea.

(photo: Getty Images)