Even typing the words “failed vasectomy” makes my vagina clamp shut like a clam and my empty womb turn to dust. Once I got so bold as to Google “failed vasectomy,” my worst fears were confirmed. It happens. Not often, but it happens enough to scare the hell out of me—a woman perfectly content with stopping at two kids.
Vasectomy success rates are estimated at more than 99%, which sounds great at face value. The reason my husband and I went for the big V instead of a tubal is mostly because of price. His vasectomy was only $1000, and it was an outpatient procedure that didn’t seem too uncomfortable for him from my outside perspective. In comparison, the Internets told me that a tubal ligation could cost up to $6000. We also figured that it was his turn to get his man parts smacked around for once. What a guy!
Anyhoo, in my world, vasectomy failure is the stuff nightmares are made of. While it’s highly unlikely to happen, there’s a slim chance I could end up with an unplanned baby after smugly assuming the baby factory is closed forever. Anytime you bring up the topic of vasectomy, there’s always someone who knows someone who knows someone that had baby #3 or #4 after their husband got snipped.
After checking out a few Internet forums, here are some of the scariest vasectomy failure stories I could find with real world consequences:
1. Failed vasectomy made husband’s penis shrivel up and die.
I don’t have any sage advice for this guy per se, but I do feel his metaphorical pain. Even though I’d ultimately love any “surprise” baby that came my way, I probably wouldn’t be too psyched about P-in-the-V until someone could present me with an ironclad contract that promised I would never be pregnant again.
2. Failed vasectomy = baby #4 = depression.
I really feel for this honest mother who is clearly distraught about having a much fuller house than she ever planned for. Even worse, it sounds like she and her husband did everything right and came back with a clear sperm sample but still fell into the minority “failure camp” of 0.6%. That just sucks.
3. Failed vasectomy led to I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant nightmare scenario.
Whoa, just whoa. The back story on this couple was that they both didn’t want children by choice. What’s even more shocking is that this thin woman hardly gained any weight and didn’t even find out she was pregnant until 27 weeks! This couple ultimately stuck with adoption and ended up dealing with depression and undergoing therapy.
4. Failed vasectomies still happen to cheating douchebags.
If a run-of-the-mill vasectomy failure occurred, the wife could possibly be blamed for cheating since the husband was “fixed.” In this unfortunate story, the husband was smugly banging his secretary and ended up getting her pregnant after a surprise vasectomy bust. Doh!
5. Even the best vasectomy couldn’t stop this super sperm.
I don’t know what kind of bullets this guy is shooting, but they are powerful. After a vasectomy and three follow-up tests, his sperm just can’t take a hint. He may have to undergo a repeat procedure to boot. I don’t know if he should be proud or pissed.
(photo: Getty Images)