• Wed, Jan 8 - 10:00 am ET

5 Real Life Vasectomy Fails That Make My Uterus Quiver In Fear

vasectomyEven typing the words “failed vasectomy” makes my vagina clamp shut like a clam and my empty womb turn to dust. Once I got so bold as to Google “failed vasectomy,” my worst fears were confirmed. It happens. Not often, but it happens enough to scare the hell out of me—a woman perfectly content with stopping at two kids.

Vasectomy success rates are estimated at more than 99%, which sounds great at face value. The reason my husband and I went for the big V instead of a tubal is mostly because of price. His vasectomy was only $1000, and it was an outpatient procedure that didn’t seem too uncomfortable for him from my outside perspective. In comparison, the Internets told me that a tubal ligation could cost up to $6000. We also figured that it was his turn to get his man parts smacked around for once. What a guy!

Anyhoo, in my world, vasectomy failure is the stuff nightmares are made of. While it’s highly unlikely to happen, there’s a slim chance I could end up with an unplanned baby after smugly assuming the baby factory is closed forever. Anytime you bring up the topic of vasectomy, there’s always someone who knows someone who knows someone that had baby #3 or #4 after their husband got snipped.

After checking out a few Internet forums, here are some of the scariest vasectomy failure stories I could find with real world consequences:

1. Failed vasectomy made husband’s penis shrivel up and die.

v1

I don’t have any sage advice for this guy per se, but I do feel his metaphorical pain. Even though I’d ultimately love any “surprise” baby that came my way, I probably wouldn’t be too psyched about P-in-the-V until someone could present me with an ironclad contract that promised I would never be pregnant again.

2. Failed vasectomy = baby #4 = depression.

v2

I really feel for this honest mother who is clearly distraught about having a much fuller house than she ever planned for. Even worse, it sounds like she and her husband did everything right and came back with a clear sperm sample but still fell into the minority “failure camp” of 0.6%. That just sucks.

3. Failed vasectomy led to I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant nightmare scenario.

v3

Whoa, just whoa. The back story on this couple was that they both didn’t want children by choice. What’s even more shocking is that this thin woman hardly gained any weight and didn’t even find out she was pregnant until 27 weeks! This couple ultimately stuck with adoption and ended up dealing with depression and undergoing therapy.

4. Failed vasectomies still happen to cheating douchebags.

v4

If a run-of-the-mill vasectomy failure occurred, the wife could possibly be blamed for cheating since the husband was “fixed.” In this unfortunate story, the husband was smugly banging his secretary and ended up getting her pregnant after a surprise vasectomy bust. Doh!

5. Even the best vasectomy couldn’t stop this super sperm.

v5

I don’t know what kind of bullets this guy is shooting, but they are powerful. After a vasectomy and three follow-up tests, his sperm just can’t take a hint. He may have to undergo a repeat procedure to boot. I don’t know if he should be proud or pissed.

(photo: Getty Images)

You can reach this post's author, Bethany Ramos, on twitter.
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  • LadyClodia

    We also only want two kids, and my husband had a vasectomy last spring after I had some serious complications from Mirena. It is scary to think that the vasectomy might fail, but I honestly haven’t thought about it that much, which is unlike me. After the crap with the Mirena, we figured that a vasectomy was the most convenient option, and while we don’t want anymore kids, I guess I’m prepared to roll with it if it does fail. I’m just kind of over the whole birth control thing now, so hopefully it doesn’t fail.

    • Bethany Ramos

      We have chosen to look at it like if we are in that 1% or 0.6%, then it was “meant to be.” I thinks that’s the only way I could cope with it…

    • LadyClodia

      Now I’m wondering if I should be more worried because after my husband had a pituitary tumor removed the endocrinologist didn’t think we’d be able to have any more kids, but we got pregnant with our second son shortly after. So my husband has already beat the odds once…
      But yeah, if it happens then it was just meant to be.

    • Bethany Ramos

      EEEP! He has the super sperm.

    • Kay_Sue

      I think we’d accept it as meant to be, but God and I would be having a handful of angry talks.

  • Moses

    That last GIF expresses my emotions perfectly after reading this.

  • StealthGent

    I think I just briefly considered a DIY hysterectomy, just in case D:

    • meteor_echo

      I think we can help each other with this one. I have medical textbooks and scalpels at home, you have great booze. Team Surgeons GO!

    • Allyson_et_al

      Excuse me. I have to go sterilize my ice cream scoop. Can I join if I bring snacks or something?

  • Polyamorous Mom

    my boyfriend had the big V, now im nervous. lol. granted its been years and he never got his wife pregnant, but I am much younger and what if?!

    • Kelly

      If you’re worried, ask him to have his sperm tested again. It’s pretty easy and if anything’s gone wonky with his vasectomy, it’ll be obvious.

  • Zorbs

    Ladies..one word: BUTTSEX.

    • NotTakenNotAvailable

      By all means! Let me go get my biggest strap-on!

    • Natasha B

      Only way to be safe. Cilantro for all!

    • Bethany Ramos

      LOL!!

    • Natasha B

      My dinner prep tonight involved REAL, leafy green cilantro. I snort giggled the whole time I was chopping it.

  • Givemeabreak

    scariest failure store I’ve ever heard: Lady had 3 kids with ex husband, had tubal, got remarried & ended up pregnant with TWINS. Instead of her going in for another tubal her husband got a vasectomy and a couple years later she ended up pregnant again with another set of twins. That’s the stuff nightmares are made of.

    • Kay_Sue

      That sounds like the premise of a horror movie.

    • Givemeabreak

      I asked a gal I used to work with what in the world she had 7 kids for and thats what she told me. Scared the hell out of me. Must husband got the big V over a year ago and I’m still nervous.

    • Kay_Sue

      I do not blame you in the slightest.

    • Shannon

      Oh lord Jesus, this is so much worse than my friends.

    • Momma425

      I want ONE more child…I don’t know what I would do with multiples. Sell one? I genuinely have no good ideas. I asked my husband as a hypothetical, and his suggestion was to give birth to one and leave the other in there until we could afford it.

    • Givemeabreak

      To the women who have had multiples, CHEERS YOU ARE AMAZEBALLS! The idea makes me want to donate the kids I already have.

  • Kay_Sue

    I don’t know if they can do this by decision, but my mother shared (after too much wine) that there was a hiccup in my father’s procedure that caused one side to be shorter (I think? I was also drinking) and super decreased their chances of having a failure.

    I was ten when he got the procedure done, and it was the same weekend she quit smoking (really bad timing!). All I remember is her throwing a bag of frozen veggies at him and telling him the next time he could get his own damn peas….she may have scared any remaining swimmers out of him…

    Over and above that, remember, you only hear the horror stories. You’re not hearing from the other 9,999 that were totally successful and are having tons of guilt-free, baby-free sex.

    • Bethany Ramos

      LOL. I told my husband to tell the doctor to obliterate the little tube (or whatever) in the procedure – just mash it up! I am not very medical haha.

    • Kay_Sue

      Sounded like a medically enough explanation for me. If the doc can’t understand it, maybe he’s not the right doc? ;)

    • StealthGent

      This is like finding non-horror stories on recovery afterwards, because everyone who had problems is yelling about it, and everyone who went right back to boinking as usual hasn’t said a word.

    • Kay_Sue

      Probably because they are too busy boinking without fear of spawning.

  • Momma425

    This wants me to get my tubes tied, have an IUD, have H get a vasectomy, and still use a condom and spermacide. Yikes!

    • Bethany Ramos

      And trashbags.

    • Momma425

      Yes! Trashbags too!!
      AND THE PULL-OUT METHOD!!!

  • Véronique Houde

    My dad had a failed vasectomy which led to the ultimate demise of my parents’ marriage when my mom got pregnant and then miscarried, and my dad didn’t even believe it was possible for her to get pregnant. In his man-logic insensitive moment, he just responded to her that it was either in her head or that she had cheated on him (at this point, my dad was serving in the US army in an exchange, and we were already 7 hours away from home, my mom completely isolated with barely any friends around except my grandparents who would drop by unannounced once in a while and drive her crazy). Well, you can pretty much imagine that my mom insisted on a sperm count when they got divorced… And it turned out that my dad was still highly fertile.

    • Kay_Sue

      That is a sucky situation all around. :(

  • Shannon

    Our friends were satisfied with 2. He scheduled a vasectomy and within a week they found out she was pregnant. Turns out, WITH TWINS.

    You best believe he still got that vasectomy!

    • Bethany Ramos

      NO, NO, NO.

  • Amanda

    I’ve only ever had one functioning ovary – I had my son after having my tubes tied, and had my daughter after having most of my tubes taken out, and the remainder snipped and cauterized. I sent a write-up of it to Mommyish (it didn’t get posted) so yeah, EVERY FORM of birth control fails… be careful!

    • Bethany Ramos

      I wanna read this!!

    • Amanda

      If there’s interest to see it, I will gladly resubmit so that everyone can experience their ovaries shuddering in fear!

    • Bethany Ramos

      I think you should! I am so intrigued.

    • Amanda

      I e-mailed Koa Beck to see if there’s any possibility of having my piece reviewed again – I’d love to get the word out there that sometimes babies just appear in your uterus, regardless of how badly you mutilate your tubes. They’re very persistent.

    • Bethany Ramos

      Oh, Eve is the editor now! eveevevawter@gmail.com

    • Amanda

      Oh geez! How did I miss that?? Thank you so much for the info, I feel like a dink.

    • Bethany Ramos

      No, no, I’m sure she’ll be excited!

    • NotTakenNotAvailable

      Okay, I was already going with celibacy + BC just in case God had any more funny ideas involving Jewish girls, but your story has made me leery of sitting down anywhere a man might have ever sat at any point in human history.

    • Amanda

      Yeah, for the first little while after the second mystical pregnancy, my husband just looked like one big ominous sperm to me.

      I’m on the pill (three tubals later!) and it still makes it hard for me to return the mindset of “YAY SEX” rather than “IF YOU PUT ANY MORE BABIES IN ME SO HELP ME GOD I WILL BE VERY UPSET WITH YOU.”

  • robbie

    Love the pics! Made me laugh every time!

  • Kelly

    I’m so confused by this idea that the failure rate is .6% right after it’s been done.

    I kind of wonder if their doctors really sat them down and talked to them. A vasectomy can reverse itself. The chances of it reversing go down every year but it does happen. These people sound like they had no idea what the risks were. I’m just glad we had a good doctor who actually talked to us about it.

  • val97

    Brb, going back on the pill right now.

  • 4under4

    Please Stop ! My husband got the PROCEDURE(after 4 years you can still hear the all caps when he mentions it) because we were surprised with#4 while and twins were four months old despite using condoms and the pill. If his vasectomy failed I think I would run away. Being a single mom to one has to be easier than have five with a partner.right?

  • Natasha B

    What the WHAT. I’m cooking number 4, and hubs has scheduled his vasectomy. Should I just go ahead and have everything removed when I have this baby?!?! Because, if I ever got pregnant again….I would sell a child.

    • Jessica

      this made me laugh harder than I should admit!

    • meteor_echo

      I think that, if I got pregnant after a tubal, I’d sell the uterus to that one museum that makes plastified slices of organs for people to see. I’d put a tag on the box: “Here lies Cecil the sabotaging uterus. It fooled me once, but I made the last joke.”

    • NotTakenNotAvailable

      Cecil the Sabotaging Uterus sounds like a good title for an Adult Swim cartoon.

  • Zoe Lansing

    I’m the living,breathing result of a vasectomy fail.So I’ve already informed my fiance that whenever we decide we’re definitely done with kids and he has a vasectomy, I better get my tubes tied AND continue taking birth control, as well.

  • Eileen

    Sometimes I think the only way to be sure you’re not going to get pregnant if you’re a cisgendered woman having vaginal sex with a cisgendered man is a radical hysterectomy. That’s 100%. Anything else…can fail. But seriously, how determined is your kid to exist that s/he managed to beat a vasectomy?!

  • meteor_echo

    And this is why I’m getting my tubes tied AND BURNED. Cauterization FTW.
    If my body decides to be a douchebag and I still get pregnant, I’m gonna Ctrl+X the damn invader asap. The only thing that gets to stay in my belly is food.

    • Amanda

      My cauterization failed D: Don’t trust it!

    • meteor_echo

      GAH. This is why I’m still going to take weekly pregnancy tests even after the Grand Snip. I’d rather have early alert!

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  • Chuck

    Those men should get a paternity test! In reverse women would demand it!

  • Alan

    I am the result of a failed vasectomy. My parents got £20,000 ($33,368) from the doctors who performed the operation plus the option for a free abortion. Luckily for me they decided to keep me.

    These days people are suing for half a million upwards – So a failed vasectomy isn’t all bad!

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