5 Hot New Food Trends Parents Must Try In 2014

184872708At the start of every new year, we always see stories about how new food trends people need to try. I know I am trendy, and I know you are too, because you once walked by the Hot Topic in your local shopping mall on the way to buy a cheese pretzel from the food court before you procured some new hand towels from JC Penny and you briefly thought to yourself “Yes, maybe I do need a stick on nose ring!”

That’s what us trendy parents do.

So in honor of this, I bring you hot new food trends parents need to try in 2014.

Locally Sourced Food 

(Image: getty images)

(Image: getty images)

Locally sourced food will be so hot this year. What exactly does this mean? It means that instead of going all the way across town in rush hour traffic to procure a sack of burgers because you forgot to turn the crockpot on in time and your chicken breasts are still frozen, that you instead go to your corner Circle K gas station and attempt to create a meal from a sad looking banana, a package of Saltines, and some Slim Jims.

 Upscale Comfort Foods 

(Image: getty images)

(Image: getty images)

Everyone loves upscale comfort foods. This can be anything from buying your lettuce at Whole Foods where it costs nine dollars a head as opposed to your local grocery which has it on sale for 67 cents. Another way you can make your comfort food upscale is by cutting your hot dogs up and putting them IN your macaroni and cheese rather than serving them NEXT to your macaroni and cheese. This recipe is ™ Eve Vawter, you are welcome.

Veggie Everything 

(Image: getty images)

(Image: getty images)

I LOVE vegetables, which is a good thing because veggies are so hot for 2014. The hottest part about this is that you will go to the store, spend half your grocery budget on buying purple cauliflower and kale, and you will forget to roast these items so they will sit at the bottom of your produce bin and then you will get to throw them out while your kids bitch in the background about how dinner isn’t ready yet.

Gluten Free

(Image: getty images)

(Image: getty images)

Gluten free items were hot last year and they will be hot again this year. Not only will more people be diagnosed with an actual gluten sensitivity, but other people will think that this way of eating will make them lose weight so they will go gluten free and then find a local bakery that makes gluten free cupcakes and eat twelve and not lose any weight. Meanwhile, parents who have a child with a gluten allergy will continue patiently trying to explain to their friends why their kids can’t eat Pizza Hut and these parents will roll their eyes and think the gluten free parents are exaggerating. All of this will end up with someone somewhere having a horrible bout of stomach issues.

Orange Foods 

(Image: getty images)

(Image: getty images)

This last one is my own prediction because kids are VERY trendy and most kids love orange food. You can expect to see orange foods continuing to be a hot trend in 2014, with everything from baby carrots to Goldfish cheddar flavor to  Kraft dinner to Halo clementines to Kraft singles made into grilled cheese to Cheetos to Sunny D amongst the items your kids will actually eat. There is a small chance that Doritos may come out with a Totally Kool Karrot Explosion flavor in 2014 so you will also be able to add that to the list. Also, orange candy. Including Tic Tacs, which my own daughter feels is a food group.

(Image: getty)

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  • http://www.ambiencechaser.com/ Elizabeth Licata

    I am so mad at you for posting those little bacon burgers at the top of this page right now. I’ve never wanted anything as much as I want that bacon burger. (Or maybe the macaroni with hot dogs.)

    • Véronique Houde

      I had the same thought. BOOOO Eve. I want a burger now. Well, my unborn child wants a burger. Does that make it more acceptable??

    • Toaster

      YES! My slow cooker chicken breasts don’t look as appealing now :(

    • AP

      I had a bacon burger like that over the weekend- an espresso-rubbed burger covered with bacon and fried onions.

      Unfortunately, the restaurant also thought bleu cheese was a key ingredient to said burger, so it was basically a high-calorie bleu cheese sandwich.

  • CMJ
  • G.E. Phillips

    I hear 2014 is the year of the “Deconstructed Sandwich.” This white hot food trend happens when your pre-schooler likes all of the ingredients that might go in a sandwich–bread, cheese, turkey, even lettuce–but when you put them together to make an actual sandwich, he throws the turkey at your back and then puts his head down on the table dramatically and cries about the fact that it now has “bread germs” on it.

    • Kay_Sue

      In our house, it’s the Broken Sandwich.

      That’s where he takes a bit, then devolves into a completely incoherent, sobbing mass because, with that bite missing, his sandwich is now broken and thus, inedible.

      Toddlers. Just…toddlers. WTF?

    • pixie

      That sounds like me when I drink too much and forget I took a bite of my pizza and then get really upset that someone would take a bite of my pizza.

      Drunk people and toddlers are very, very similar.

    • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

      They really, really are.

    • Kay_Sue

      You are so right. My husband and I have come to that same conclusion a hundred times. Especially when he is tired, he’s basically the equivalent of a tiny, belligerent drunk.

    • Sri

      I have seen the broken sandwich on many occasions. The worst offender is my nephew, who will gleefully pull the sandwich apart and eat one piece of bread and everything stuck to it, and then turn his sights on the other half. He’s old enough to be learning table manners, though, so messy sandwiches have a “eat it like a big boy” (aka don’t peel it apart and spread peanut butter everywhere, please, for the love of god, please stop smearing the peanut butter everywhere, including the dog and your little brother) rule. He will take one bite of the sandwich, declare it broken, and sob until he throws up on the table or someone lets him go watch cartoons. You can’t just take the sandwich away or anything, either. He will sit there sobbing and making himself sick until he can go watch cartoons.

      I guess my nephew is more of a cross between a drunk dude and a Eurasian roller (it’s a bird that barfs on itself to protect itself from predators- scienced!)

      He’s not even a toddler anymore, really, he’s a preschooler. It’s become a genuinely difficult thing to contend with, because no one can teach him any rules because he will make himself sick rather than follow them. If you put him in time out, he just throws up in time out. You can’t threaten to send him up to bed, because he’ll just barf all over his room. If he were my kid, I would make him sit in the puke until his punishment was over, but I don’t rule the world and I can’t tell my SIL how to parent. I do tell her to bring extra clothes when I watch him, though, and then I don’t put up with it in my house. I have two cats- my rug is no stranger to puke, kid.

    • Zoe Lansing

      I vomited whenever I was upset and/or didn’t get my way back when I was little.I’ve always thought I was just a temperamental brat with an amazing gag reflex.Apparently,however, I was a trendsetting evil genius.

    • Ana

      Lol. I purposely smash my daughter’s sandwich together so she will spend an extra five minutes taking it apart and I can finally get the damn dishwasher unloaded.

    • LiteBrite

      I remember those days. The boy liked hot dogs. He also liked mac-n-cheese. I needed to put them together, right? WRONG. Cue uncontrollable sobbing because there are HOT DOGS in his MAC-n-CHEESE!

      Now he thinks hot dogs in mac-n-cheese is like the height of gourmand living. But only the Kraft version of mac-n-cheese. God help you if you take him to a restaurant that serves a different version. That’s not “mac-n-cheese”‘ it’s just “noodles and cheese.” Whatever kid. [LiteBrite rolls her eyes at the logic of kids.]

  • Kay_Sue

    Homemade comfort foods. Now I want a big bowl of mashed potatoes, Spam, and creamed corn, all mixed together…

  • Rachel Sea

    The pictures of the sliders and the mac n’ cheese are making my lunch of PB&J on a flour tortilla look really sad.

  • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

    Fucking Cheetos man. I will never be vegan as long as Cheetos still exist. And considering the shelf life of those things, that means I will never be vegan. Sorry cows.

  • Bethany Ramos

    I will eat all of this as soon as I finish my cleanse, LOL. We tried to put my son on a gluten-free diet for a minute there because he had really bad eczema. Overall, it didn’t help because he had totally different allergies, so yay. Shopping gluten-free was the worst thing ever – especially for a toddler.

    • Kay_Sue

      I have a friend with an extreme gluten sensitivity. She doesn’t know if her son has it–he’s never been evaluated for it–but they are still a gluten-free household for everyone, period. She says shopping for her is hard, and for him is 10x’s harder…

  • LadyClodia

    My kids definitely love orange foods including baby carrots and oranges. We’ve had many “orange lunches” at our house, which usually consist of oranges, baby carrots, and cheddar cheese goldfish crackers.
    Food stresses me out to no end. There are very few things that either of them will eat, and most of their preferences don’t overlap (with the exception of orange foods.)

  • Bunny Lucia

    Oh Gawd. The gluten free. Otherwise known as the reason I bailed on my father’s Thanksgiving

  • Ptownsteveschick

    I’m doing a fucking detox vegan diet for the next 4 days. Those burgers in the picture were not even fair. Not even fair.

  • Peggy

    If you really want to upscale your mac ‘n cheese/hotdog combo, add some peas, and dip the whole sumbitch in ketchup, otherwise known as “the only thing peggy would eat as a toddler (and still craves when she’s home sick or hungover)” TM. Best. Meal. Ever.

  • Sri

    I feel like the hot dog mac and cheese was supposed to be self deprecating in some way, but damnit if we don’t have an “upscale comfort food” restaurant across the street from us that has that on the menu. Technically, I guess it’s hot dog and sauteed pearl onion, and they do make their own cheese sauce, but still. I’ve never eaten it because they also have a Buffalo chicken mac and cheese and wagyu beef meatloaf, but it’s supposed to be pretty amazing.

  • http://twitter.com/mariaguido Maria Guido

    I throw away so much lettuce. I should just stop buying is and lighting some money on fire instead. It would be more fun.

    • Aussiemum

      My kids looooove lettuce…..till I buy it and it’s in the fridge, so I buy bagged lettuce. Saves me time. I don’t have to chop it up, (3 days after I bought it,) before I give it to the chickens. I just rip the bag open and dump it on the floor. Snitzel and BBQ appreciate the colour variety of the lettuce. (Lettuces? Is that a word? Of course it is, it’s Friday night!!!!

  • Toaster

    The other day the guy in front of me in Starbucks was whining because they didn’t have any gluten free food because Starbucks is totally where I think of to get my gluten-free baked goods fix.

  • aCongaLine

    I’d be a lot more patient with the “Gluten-Free” preferences of my In Laws if there was an actual health issue among them. Alas, no. GF only because it’s trendy. We’re vegan… and they’re always giving us shit about it. Le Sigh.

  • Natasha B

    Our closest gas station actually sells pizza & soups & salads. Not that I’ve ever stopped there for dinner….or anything…
    My kids freak the freak out if I mix their hot dogs & Mac n cheese. ITS TOUCHING ITS RUINED ITS BAD NO NO NO NO NO

  • Raquel

    i want to know when macaroni with a can of condensed tomato soup mixed in will be trendy.