A churning mass of record-breaking, life-threatening arctic air is pushing across the country, so broad that every state except Hawaii is expected to see freezing temperatures by Tuesday.
Twenty-six states were under warnings or watches for severe wind chill as the result of a weather phenomenon known as a polar vortex ‚ÄĒ¬†essentially an arctic cyclone¬†that normally sits near the North Pole but has pushed unusually far south.
Now you may think Donald Trump is the only one who is calling bullshit on global warming due to these insanely cold temperatures, but you’d be wrong. ¬†I am too. ¬†I don’t think this is about climate change. ¬†I think Mother Nature was listening all the times I told some variation of this joke to my husband:
Husband: “How long do we have to wipe their butts?”
Me: “Probably until hell freezes over.”
No one wiped their own arse yesterday, but my kids did some pretty unusual things that I might have guessed would happen at least a year or two after hell was forming icicles.
1. ¬†They woke up late. ¬†
But not so late that we would have to rush to school like maniacs.
2. ¬†They asked for breakfast politely and ate it.
My kids are not morning people. ¬†It takes them at least an hour to find their normalcy as toddlers who have been taught manners. ¬†My daughter wakes up and demands cereal before she’s even wiped the sleep out of her eyes. ¬†My son, the opposite, refuses everything you offer him for twenty minutes straight. ¬†Yesterday, they both sat down at the table and asked for their breakfast politely. ¬†They knew exactly what they wanted to eat and no one whined about getting the wrong color bowl or spoon.
3. ¬†They thought the torrential downpour that lasted exactly as long as it took us to walk from the bus to school was “fun.”
In more signs of the apocalypse, when we walked out of the house yesterday it was 50 degrees and calm. ¬†When we got off the city bus about 12 minutes later we were pummeled by a torrential downpour of rain. ¬†But instead of complaining or wanting to be carried, my kids ran and rejoiced. ¬†If this one isn’t hell freezing over, at least all those Peppa Pig episodes about muddy puddles are paying off.
4. ¬†They skipped dessert.
In our house dinner is just a device after which dessert finally arrives. ¬†My kids will plan their desserts for the week. ¬†They constantly ask how much more they have to eat before they get it and at what age can they start having dessert after lunch too like mommy does. ¬†Dessert is big in our house. ¬†So yesterday when they finished dinner and asked to watch TV, I kept waiting to hear their request. ¬†It never came.
5. ¬†They let me shower in peace.
It’s true they just got Leapster Explorer GS devices for Christmas and they are obsessed. ¬†But it could just as easily be hell freezing over.
6. ¬†They got ready for bed before asking for the 100 things they request to delay bedtime.
My kids — probably like yours — hate bedtime. ¬†I can’t say I blame them since I hate it too. ¬†It always comes too quickly after I’ve gotten home from work and so I often give in to their delay tactics over and over. ¬†Yes, we can have one more race on your new Hot Wheels track. ¬†Yes, we can have one more tea party. ¬†The problem is by the time they have to brush their teeth and put on PJs they are overtired messes and I regret letting it slide. ¬†Last night they voluntarily did everything required to go to bed BEFORE we played one more game.
7. ¬†They were asleep before 9pm.
As I look back on the day I can only remark that it was nothing short of a miracle — especially given it was the first day back at school after a two-week holiday — unless it was really hell freezing over.