• Tue, Jan 7 - 9:00 am ET

7 Things My Kids Did Yesterday That Make Me Think The Polar Vortex Is Really Hell Freezing Over

shutterstock_103003829In case you have been living under a rock — probably a nice spa hot stone — you’ve heard about the deep freeze blanket that is settling over parts of all 48 of the contiguous U.S.

A churning mass of record-breaking, life-threatening arctic air is pushing across the country, so broad that every state except Hawaii is expected to see freezing temperatures by Tuesday.

Twenty-six states were under warnings or watches for severe wind chill as the result of a weather phenomenon known as a polar vortex — essentially an arctic cyclone that normally sits near the North Pole but has pushed unusually far south.

Now you may think Donald Trump is the only one who is calling bullshit on global warming due to these insanely cold temperatures, but you’d be wrong.  I am too.  I don’t think this is about climate change.  I think Mother Nature was listening all the times I told some variation of this joke to my husband:

Husband: “How long do we have to wipe their butts?”

Me: “Probably until hell freezes over.”

No one wiped their own arse yesterday, but my kids did some pretty unusual things that I might have guessed would happen at least a year or two after hell was forming icicles.

1.  They woke up late.  

But not so late that we would have to rush to school like maniacs.

2.  They asked for breakfast politely and ate it.

My kids are not morning people.  It takes them at least an hour to find their normalcy as toddlers who have been taught manners.  My daughter wakes up and demands cereal before she’s even wiped the sleep out of her eyes.  My son, the opposite, refuses everything you offer him for twenty minutes straight.  Yesterday, they both sat down at the table and asked for their breakfast politely.  They knew exactly what they wanted to eat and no one whined about getting the wrong color bowl or spoon.

3.  They thought the torrential downpour that lasted exactly as long as it took us to walk from the bus to school was “fun.”

In more signs of the apocalypse, when we walked out of the house yesterday it was 50 degrees and calm.  When we got off the city bus about 12 minutes later we were pummeled by a torrential downpour of rain.  But instead of complaining or wanting to be carried, my kids ran and rejoiced.  If this one isn’t hell freezing over, at least all those Peppa Pig episodes about muddy puddles are paying off.

4.  They skipped dessert.

In our house dinner is just a device after which dessert finally arrives.  My kids will plan their desserts for the week.  They constantly ask how much more they have to eat before they get it and at what age can they start having dessert after lunch too like mommy does.  Dessert is big in our house.  So yesterday when they finished dinner and asked to watch TV, I kept waiting to hear their request.  It never came.

5.  They let me shower in peace.

It’s true they just got Leapster Explorer GS devices for Christmas and they are obsessed.  But it could just as easily be hell freezing over.

6.  They got ready for bed before asking for the 100 things they request to delay bedtime.

My kids — probably like yours — hate bedtime.  I can’t say I blame them since I hate it too.  It always comes too quickly after I’ve gotten home from work and so I often give in to their delay tactics over and over.  Yes, we can have one more race on your new Hot Wheels track.  Yes, we can have one more tea party.  The problem is by the time they have to brush their teeth and put on PJs they are overtired messes and I regret letting it slide.  Last night they voluntarily did everything required to go to bed BEFORE we played one more game.

7.  They were asleep before 9pm.

As I look back on the day I can only remark that it was nothing short of a miracle — especially given it was the first day back at school after a two-week holiday — unless it was really hell freezing over.

(photo: Elovich/Shutterstock)

You can reach this post's author, Carinn Jade, on twitter.
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  • Bethany Ramos

    I’ve heard people on FB bitching about the frigid weather, but I am ELATED here in Texas. This is probably the first legit winter I remember in a very long time, and I am happy – probably because I work at home. Sorry, North Dakota.

    • Carinn Jade

      What are your temps like today? We are a balmy 5 here in NYC.

    • Bethany Ramos

      OMG! I think it got into the teens here overnight (19), and it was in the 30s yesterday. That’s a BIG DEAL. ;) I have lived in CO too, so I swear I’m not a wimp!

    • AP

      It’s been record-warm here, in the 60s every day (SF Peninsula!)

      I’m a native Northeasterner and I’m wildly disoriented. It was 70 on Christmas Eve and very confusing.

    • LiteBrite

      We got you beat. It was -17 when I woke up this a.m. And that’s without the windchill.

  • keelhaulrose

    I woke up to -22 yesterday and -10 today, and I’m getting these kids out of this house for all our sanity, I don’t care if it’s just to a McDonald’s playplace.

  • Kay_Sue

    I agree. In our house, it’s freezing over because my husband’s dirty socks made it into the laundry hamper after work instead of my living room floor…..

  • Pumplestilskin

    I think it’s freezing over here too. Our school closed. The last time we closed was 2010. We got 4 foot of snow in one day then. Every single school in the area can close. There can be travel advisories and white outs, our school stays open. They called last night and cancelled. My kids were overjoyed. Facebook went nuts. We parents agreed, the apocalypse was upon us, lol

  • LiteBrite

    We had a high of -13 yesterday (without the windchill) and we might (MIGHT) make it to 0 today. Tomorrow it’s supposed to be 17. Where’s my happy dance .GIF?

    My kid also went to bed before nine p.m., but it’s not because hell was freezing over; it’s because after being with his wound-up behind all day (and knowing I’d have to do it again today) I was ready for peace and quiet. :)

  • SusannahJoy

    Woo! Hawaii! Although I have to point out that parts of the Big Island did have winter storm warnings a couple weeks ago. And I’ll keep hoping that maybe your kids good behavior is a permanent thing! Go good kids!