smartphoneI feel like Jerry Seinfeld whenever I talk about hashtags, but I have to say it. WHAT’S THE DEAL with the overuse of hashtags these days, anyway? And don’t even get me started on the hashtags that are completely made up and make absolutely no sense.

Justme put it best:

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Yup. If you could possibly imagine anything more horrible than hashtags and humblebrags (which either sounds like a really bad band name or a down-home country diner), just add a dash of “sanctimommy-ness” for fun. Yes, I’m talking about the worst sanctimommy offenders on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram that put even the most annoying hashtaggers to shame.

These mommy hashtags must go away now or be killed with fire. If you’ve used them in the past, I won’t judge you, but I beg you please to stop—for the children. (WON’T SOMEBODY THINK OF THE CHILDREN?)

1.    #momlife

I don’t know why this hashtag bugs me so much, but it just seems smug and annoying. “Hey, I got out late from a work meeting and was trying to squeeze in a gym sesh, but I had to run home to a crying baby instead. What can you do? #momlife” Just say it—you’re really irritated because your stupid baby messed up your schedule, and now you can’t work out. That’s a bummer. Don’t try to put a cutesy spin on it.

2.    #happyfamily

Ho boy, where do I even begin on this one? Happy family hashtags normally follow a very long list of wonderful things that happened with said family. “Brunch with grandma, afternoon at the park, evening movie with the kids, and a glass of wine to top it off. #happyfamily” Annoying, happy lists are just annoying. That is all.

3.    #perfectday

The perfect day hashtag is separate but equal to the ever-so-annoying happy family hashtag. In fact, you’re likely to find both of them side-by-side crowning a glorious happy family Instagram pic (#nofilter!!!).  Let’s be clear about this: #perfectday = #humblebrag, no matter how you slice it. This hashtag is also likely to come with a picture of perfect food cooked for a perfect family.

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4.    #momknowsbest

This hashtag is just not good, and it’s not even trying to be subtle. I also imagine it with a whiny mom voice if you were to read it aloud: “I told my daughter to bring her coat to school today, and what do you know, it snowed. #momknowsbest.” Yeesh.

5.    #mommytime

This hashtag may seem simple enough, but it usually goes hand-in-hand with #sleepingbaby. I shit you not. The mommy time hashtag gets under my skin because it seems to imply that a mom’s life revolves completely around her baby. When she finally, finally gets her sweet little one down for the night, then it’s MOMMY TIME (cue the jazz hands), and it’s well-deserved because “mommy” worked hard all day long.

6.    #sleepingbaby

Sleeping baby gets its own hashtag rant because there’s nothing that chaps my ass more than parents bragging about a sleeping newborn—especially one that supposedly sleeps through the night from 3 weeks on. While they’re enjoying a beautiful night of rest thanks to their #sleepingbaby, I’m up every hour on the hour to feed my #monsterbaby. Thanks a lot.

7.    #lovemyboys

This is another offending hashtag that always seems to follow some frustrating parenting situation disguised in a cloak of happiness. Example: “My two little guys have spent the entire afternoon arguing over who gets to play COD next. They’re just like their daddy! #lovemyboys” Barf. It may be time to admit that your house is overrun with videogame-obsessed dudebros, which sounds kind of like my house, come to think of it…

8.    #mamasboy

This one is fairly self-explanatory in its annoyingness, although it can easily go over the top. Think a sappy quote on Mother’s Day or a cheesy Facebook shout out for a son’s birthday, followed by “Mommy loves you! #mamasboy”

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9.    #babylove

You’ll normally find this offending hashtag right alongside a sonogram picture as some new parent-to-be gushes about their little bundle of joy. There’s nothing wrong with this hashtag per se, except it usually comes after a long string of useless hashtag proclamations next to a sonogram pic: #baby #mommy #daddy #sonogram #babylove. You get the picture.

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10. #mommy

Oh, the ever-present mommy hashtag. The main reason that I take offense to #mommy is because it’s often used when a mom is talking about herself in third person. And nothing makes me want to wretch more than that. I won’t get into a long diatribe about how a mom should keep her personal identity, even after popping a baby out of her vag-hole, but I will say that I’m starting to get confused on Facebook now that all of my friends have started calling themselves “mommy.” What was your name again…?

Even though hashtags are a somewhat new Internet trend, I’m pushing that we go back to basics. Use hashtags purposely and in a way that actually makes sense. Had I known then what I know now, this would have been my ideal pregnancy announcement—short, sweet, and to the point, with a hashtag to boot: “Think I might be pregnant again. #ballsdeep”

(photo: Getty Images)