• Mon, Jan 6 - 6:00 pm ET

A Day In The Life Of A Mother’s New Year’s Diet

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8 a.m. Small bowl of oatmeal. Coffee with the tiniest amount of sugar and some milk. I make my child waffles and bacon and cry inside. Applaud myself for not licking the syrup off the counter.

10:30 a.m. Handful of almonds. My husband is making the biggest breakfast I’ve ever seen which he will eat while complaining he never gains weight. Manage to walk through the kitchen without stabbing him. Again, applaud myself.

Noon Salad of greens, tomatoes, chickpeas, avocado, olive oil and jalapenos. I fix my son some chicken nuggets, carrots and pasta. Refrain from throwing nuggets atop the salad. Wonder where I get my iron will.

3 p.m. It’s hours until dinner. I’m starving. I eat an apple and watch my husband eat his second meal of the day – more hotdogs than any human should consume in one sitting. Tell him that just because he’s skinny doesn’t mean he should shovel garbage in his mouth-hole all day long. Feel superior.

6 p.m. Make dinner of Tilapia, broccoli and brown rice. Pour a delicious caper butter sauce on my husband and son’s plates. Look at my sad, undressed plate and frown. Decide that if there is a God, he’s definitely a man because no omniscient female being would forget to remove the calories from butter and cake.

Spend the next two hours alternating between nursing and trying to tire out my night owl toddler.

8 p.m. Nurse infant to sleep. Attempt to put toddler down. He demands a nighttime story. I read one. He gets excited and screams, “Yay mommy!” Infant now awake.

8:30 p.m. Nurse infant once again while remembering a conversation about how you are not supposed to nurse your infant to bed, lest they become dependent on the boob to fall asleep. Sigh loudly.

9 p.m. Toddler still talking to himself. Infant crying in her crib, as I’ve made a last minute decision to start Ferberizing her – at 7 months. Not sure it’s working.

9:30 p.m.  Google “calories in a glass of wine.” Decide to pour myself a half glass.

9:45 p.m. Toddler still awake. Decide I’ve earned the other half glass. Take a sip and read him another story.

10 p.m.  Both kids asleep. I look in the mirror and realize that I look more tired than I have ever been. Also realize that I have no plans for the next few months, and will never enter a bikini contest in my life. Pour myself another glass of wine. Grab bag of Goldfish crackers.

10:30 p.m. Google, “how many calories in 2 1/2 glasses of wine and a bag of Goldfish crackers?”

(photo: Getty Images)

You can reach this post's author, Maria Guido, on twitter.
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  • Véronique Houde

    Maria! Don’t diet while you’re still nursing hon… You’ll run out of energy :( :( You need those calories! Eat a cupcake for godsakes!!

    • http://twitter.com/mariaguido Maria Guido

      Haha! You’re so sweet – I’m weaning her now. This is obviously exaggerated for humor’s sake – don’t worry!

    • FormerlyKnownAsWendy

      So depressing and true. Time to behave myself after a ton of indulgence but…damn, it sucks.

  • Bethany Ramos

    Hahaha this was hilarious. I get so very irritable when I’m dieting, and I would have slapped the food out of your husband’s hands in this scenario.. ;)

  • aCongaLine

    Yep. This sounds about right. Every year, I tell myself this is my year- I’m going to do it, and lose the weight. I’ll take lasting a day longer than I did last year as a win, and eat the goldfish with you :)

  • Tinyfaeri

    Heh. I got T-25 for Xmas, took one look at the 5 day kick-start of 1100 calories a day and laughed. I then pointed out to my husband that he should thank me for not following that diet, because I would be homicidally hangry by day 2.

  • Kelly

    That just sounds like setting yourself up for failure to me. I genuinely don’t get why people diet so hard and so fast.

  • Kay_Sue

    By the end of that, I was chuckling and oh so ready to pour that second glass of wine for you myself.

    I don’t typically drink much, but our schools decided to start back January 2, which was hell. Even if we didn’t allow our kids to stay up until midnight on New Year’s (we do–I am undecided on where that places us on the parenting spectrum), our neighborhood was awash in fireworks at all hours of the night. No one slept well. The next night, trying to get back on our school routine was a nightmare. It wasn’t the toddler waking a baby up–it was the toddler keeping the first grader awake until he had worked himself into tears, with the child that had to be up at 6:50 for school up until 1:15. Oh, and the toddler? Yeah, it was about 2 before he finally stopped kicking me (he got to sleep in the big bed…).

    Interrupted bed times are the absolute *worst*. By the end of it, I had knocked back two of my little dinky Dailey’s frozen drinks….

  • Andrea

    OK, I’m sure you know this, when you breastfeed you actually need quite a bit more calories than a regular female. Please be careful! Eating healthy is awesome of course, but watch your caloric intake while you nurse. You need more than you would think.

  • DaJon

    I dont drink wine so replaced with doughnuts!!! WTH!!! Been working out since Jan 2013 but my eating habits SUCK balls!! Lol

  • Alexandra

    This will be me in about 4 months, not looking forward to it :( Still riding the pregnancy diet for now – EVERYTHING I WANT, ALL THE TIME. So yea, it’s gonna really suck. I feel for you!! xo

  • Harriet Meadow

    Haha this is so awesome! I’m still nursing, so I don’t want to drastically cut calories, but one of my New Year’s Resolutions was to eat more fruits and vegetables…so far that hasn’t happened, but my husband and I *did* get a bunch of processed, salty, fatty snacks at the Dollar Store that we’re working through! :/

  • Rachel Sea

    I’ve given up on eating “healthy.” For years I’ve tried to do the the whole hearty breakfast, lean lunch, and small dinner thing, and I put on 50 lbs. I went back to eating only lunch, and dinner, like I grew up doing, like I did until my mid 20s, and my sugar cravings went away, I’ve dropped 16 lbs in 6 weeks, and the pain in my hips is fading. Sometimes you have to say to hell with doing the right thing, and do what works for you.